Diary of a Matchmaker

Parents: Dictators Or Overprotectors?

• Halal Match • Episode 20

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If you're a parent with a son/daughter at the age of marriage, then this episode is for you. In this one we explore the complex dynamics between parental approval and the matchmaking journey, sharing personal stories and client experiences. Tune in for invaluable advice to parents on upholding their child's happiness and rights, grounded in faith and love.

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Speaker 1:

Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba. And I'm Zaid, you're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 2:

A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 1:

We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 2:

So let's dive in Bismillah.

Speaker 1:

Assalamu alaikum, warahmatullahi wabarakatuh, welcome to another episode. This is your matchmaker, hiba, and on the other mic is your matchmaker, zaid. Assalamu alaikum everyone I have a feeling we're gonna piss off a lot of people in this episode um no, I don't think so I think the title of the episode are gonna make some people intrigued, which is parents, dictators or over protectors?

Speaker 2:

yeahectors. Yeah, sorry, go ahead.

Speaker 1:

Why did we choose this strong language? Because of what you're about to listen to. So what do you think? Are parents, dictators or overprotectors.

Speaker 2:

Well, alhamdulillah, we're fortunate to have very supportive and understanding parents. This episode, like you said, is entirely dedicated to parents because we had a few specific incidences with potential clients that made us focus on this episode. So, in regards to our personal experiences, alhamdulillah, when we were first talking, we were very fortunate to have supportive parents, parents that were open-minded. As you guys already know, we are an interracial couple, right.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, okay, you got this.

Speaker 2:

look on your face like are we? So that was actually actually. I remember this. When I was first talking to you, I thought you know your parents aren't going to be open to you marrying a brown guy, because I thought that was like a big thing with palestinians and syrians, that you guys just really aren't open to somebody out outside of your ethnicity I think it's a problem for Palestinians, for Arabs in general living in the West, like, once you get out of the village, you want to start looking for people who come from the village for some reason.

Speaker 2:

I get it. I get it. So when we were first talking and you told your mom and your dad that, hey, I'm talking to a guy that's a pakistani, how did your parents react?

Speaker 1:

uh, cool, like it wasn't. It never came up as a problem, honestly like they cared about your personality, your dean, your family, not about your ethnicity yeah, okay I think their only concern was the language barrier, because how would they communicate with you and your parents?

Speaker 2:

yeah, but alhamdulillah you were able to convince them and we were able to make it work it didn't need much convincing.

Speaker 2:

Honestly, they like yeah and on my end, the crazy thing is I don't know if I mentioned this before, but you already know this that mom so mom is a frequent visitor of al-qudsh and she would always make a dua that I marry somebody from that area. Right, and I didn't know this. I think I found this out after we got married and uh, and here we are today so your mom's dua always come true, like you know so to the listeners.

Speaker 1:

When goes to pray, we call it her magic carpet, because whatever she prays for on her like what do you call it Janamas? Yeah, it always comes true, yeah.

Speaker 2:

So, yeah, my mom was supportive. I mean, she had some concerns that you know you might be somebody that's trying to scam me for immigration or something. But aside from that ridiculous concern, she was open-minded and, alhamdulillah, here we are, married today. So in our case, we neither had dictators nor overprotectors. We had supportive, flexible parents Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. Supportive, flexible parents Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. But in the case of some of our clients, that isn't necessarily what we're seeing.

Speaker 1:

Unfortunately, unfortunately, a lot of the cases we listen to, honestly, it boils my blood and like I want to say so much to this person like talk to your parents, like you're being controlled beyond what's allowed by Islam and like of course you got to be professional, so we got to find a way to convey it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so let's start with the most recent call Recent as in. We were just rewatching it to collect some notes, so I will keep it as private and confidential as we can. And we'll call this girl, zainab, uh, who is from the middle east, and uh, so we took her call and, um, you know she's in her mid-30s and uh, she was sharing a lot of her struggles trying to get married, and it was actually sad and funny at the same time listening to her call. What was she saying in the beginning?

Speaker 1:

Well, first of all, she said I'm extremely busy. I don't have time to network and all of that. I'm like just finish being busy and then look for marriage Right Like.

Speaker 2:

The best analogy is like you go to a doctor and say I'm fat, I don't eat right, I smoke all day, I drink all day, I sit on the couch and I need you to fix me and I don't want to change, and I don't want to change but I need you to fix me.

Speaker 2:

That's basically what the call was like, and we had to remain calm and professional and give some sincere advice and the cherry on top was that she just started looking yes, in her mid-30s, she just started looking, and so we asked her the same question that we ask all people on these calls, which is what are you looking for in a potential spouse? So we asked her, okay, are you open to someone outside of your ethnicity?

Speaker 1:

and she said no, and she said she is, but her parents are not.

Speaker 2:

Well, she, yeah, sorry, you're right. She said she is, but her parents are not. And then we said okay, so what are your parents' preferences? They said they want someone from the Middle East.

Speaker 1:

And specific countries in the Middle East, not all the Middle East, even yes.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. And then we asked okay, are you okay, are you open to someone younger than you? She said no, my parents would not be okay with that. And every question that we asked her the most, the immediate response was my parents are not okay with that. Oh no, I don't think my parents would be okay with that. And it got to a point where I just couldn't take it in what I said. Go ahead, what were you gonna say?

Speaker 1:

and now I was just gonna say that even her parents are not okay with her pursuing matchmakers yes so she was gonna keep the search private, and then come up with some lie exactly, yeah, and honestly I do empathize and sympathize with this girl because, like, what are you gonna do? Like disobey your parents and go marry someone and let them disown you, and like we don't do that right and we're not, of course, encouraging anyone to do that right and this is why this episode is directed to parents not to like their children to rebel against their parents.

Speaker 1:

But parents have some common sense, remember. Like, like we're muslims. We are muslims at the end of the day this is against your children. Exactly it is.

Speaker 2:

You can't oppress your children like this yeah, you're going to pass away at some point and you put your children are going to have to deal with the, with the fact that they don't have a companion and her parents.

Speaker 1:

Uh, they're like, no, like just keep waiting and keep making dua and have patience and and like you are, like you said, making dhulm against your children. And then you expect them to have like birr alwalidain and like you can't demand them when you're doing dhulm to them, right?

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

So to anyone who's listening, if you find yourself in this position, we're not advising you go rebel against your parents, do something behind their back, disobey your parents? Not at all. That's not our message here. We'll get to the solutions towards the end.

Speaker 2:

But in this specific case, there was so many layers and layers to this problem that we had to unpack. And I told her that you need to seriously have a heart-to-heart conversation with your parents. And she says I speak to my parents every week and they're just not budging, that they're very stubborn.

Speaker 2:

And we had to wrap up the call and let her know that unfortunately, with your restrictions and the the difficulty in regards to your age, we won't be able to help you or that at the very least we can put you on a wait list and if something comes up because we know what it's like working with out of men out of men are very picky and difficult- and they don't. They're not very open to somebody who's crossed 30 years old they want somebody who's like at least five years younger.

Speaker 1:

I don't know what's up with you, arab guys, if you're listening, like what's wrong with you. I'm sorry, but it just boils my blood yeah, okay this. This girl was, mashallah, very beautiful, like, highly educated, intelligent, successful, and he did again.

Speaker 2:

Yet when it comes to her parents, she doesn't have a say and the second thing and this was boiling your blood more than mine was the fact that she said I'm so busy. And then on her registration form it said what? She wants to be a housewife that she's okay with being a housewife, so you invested the last 10 years building your career, only to become a housewife after marriage not.

Speaker 2:

We're not downplaying the role of being a housewife not at all but it's just a glaring contradiction that you are investing so much into this. For what? For what?

Speaker 1:

I don't understand I mean, if you want to be a housewife, which is very, very admirable, then you should have started your search early and, like, compromised on your career.

Speaker 2:

But to each their own, exactly right, yeah, so let's move on to case number two. Um oh, this one is even harsher yes, so um this girl will call her fatima.

Speaker 1:

We always find ourselves choosing the same names, by the way Fatima, aisha or Zainab. Okay, let's call her Khadija for a change.

Speaker 2:

Okay, let's say Khadija Khadija, who is?

Speaker 1:

in her 40s.

Speaker 2:

Early 40s. Early 40s. She's the sweetest girl ever, very sweet girl told us that she's never been married before, so when she started sharing um what her journey has been like, a lot of things stood out that really boiled my blood and, uh, one of them a few of them was my parents were not okay with someone outside of the family. They weren't even okay with someone outside of the family. They weren't even okay with someone outside of the ethnicity.

Speaker 1:

So in the beginning they wanted someone in the family and then, when she crossed her 30s, they became more flexible. It has to be within the ethnicity, which is a sub-ethnicity, and now, when she turned like four, she's over 40.

Speaker 2:

Now they're like they don't care.

Speaker 1:

She said they don't care who I get married to, they don't care even if I get married and like what a great zulum.

Speaker 2:

These parents have done like she's missed out on the prime years of her life only because her parents were so stubborn like yeah, and the cherry on top is that she said she wanted to stay close to her parents to take care of her parents. So now she's creating another restriction on top of her age and with geographical location. So she you know I'm not going to say specifically where she resides, but um at during that call she mentioned that she would not like to relocate.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, we tried to give her sincere advice and it actually worked, because she told us later that she reconsidered and she's open to relocating. But, honestly, if I put myself in her shoes, like I admire her for having such great love and respect to her parents Me myself honestly, honestly, it's gonna sound harsh, but if my parents did something like this to me, I wouldn't sacrifice my future to look after them oh, that is a bit harsh, but I'm not saying right upon them I'm not saying I'm not gonna talk to my parents or anything, but I'm not gonna miss out on a good opportunity to to get married yeah

Speaker 2:

like they did this to her yeah, I mean, at some point you have to decide and I've said this, I think, in private conversations with you that me personally, and this is just my personal opinion that you, in certain aspects of life, you as a son or a daughter, have um the right to overrule your parents. All right, the person you marry, the education or career you choose, things like that, things that will remain with you after your parents pass so overruling, that's like the last, very, very, very last resort right and it's only like in extreme situations.

Speaker 2:

So I'm not talking about the Islamic perspective, I'm just talking about my personal perspective yeah, even Islamically, which we'll get to in a second. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

There's always room for conversation, for involving a third party, for just like having a sincere, loving conversation with them and let them see where you're coming from, in a loving way, right, like Prophet Ibrahim with them, and let them see where you're coming from in a loving way, right like prophet ibrahim. When he was calling his father to islam, he kept telling him, yeah, and abati means my loving father, my dear father, right, and his father was rebelling against allah, subhananahu Wa Ta-A'la, and he was threatening him and at some point, like with the breast of the people in the group in the village, tried to throw him in the fire. And he kept saying so there's always room for conversation and involving someone who they have high respect towards, maybe an uncle, an imam, like a community leader somebody, so I was just about to get into that.

Speaker 2:

In most, cases, this would work yes, so let's talk a little bit about the islamic perspective. How can girls overrule their parents if injustice is happening? Are they allowed to, are they not allowed to?

Speaker 1:

and what is the right method to go about doing that so, like I said, the first step is always conversation, involving a third party, making dua do all of that, because in most cases this would work. If there was nothing wrong with the guy, with his deen, he wasn't a drug addict, wasn't an alcoholic, he wasn't an abuser, like if he was a good person. In most cases people would just come around right. Conversation didn't work. Like we said, involved a third party. It still didn't work. You need to think about this Is it worth it for you to go against your parents and to marry this guy? Are you so sure of this guy? Are you willing to bet your relationship with your parents on this? If the answer is yes, then you can uh, like you said, overrule your parents, and if you were living in a Muslim country, that would happen through a judge. The judge would become your wali right.

Speaker 1:

And he would marry you to this person and, since we don't live in a Muslim country, you can involve an imam or a community leader, somebody and they would take on the role of being your wali and marrying you to this person. But they're gonna do their due diligence to make sure that this person is a good person, that your parents are being totally unreasonable, right yeah this is a way. Uh, like we said, this episode is directed to parents. What advice can you give parents?

Speaker 2:

What advice I would give parents. I think the right one piece of advice is that your children have rights over you caretaker. Um have a responsibility to not deprive your child of what is due to them, which is a righteous companion. So there is a framework that and our alhamdulillah, our religion is very flexible and easy to implement and there is a basic framework that goes into solving this problem. If the guy is righteous, if the guy is practicing, and if your daughter finds him attractive, if he meets these certain basic requirements, then there is no reason for you to say no, yeah, exactly yeah, I would say honestly, just go back to the dean, like our deen, you'll find answers to every situation, every question.

Speaker 1:

The Prophet, peace be upon him, told us إِذَا جَاءَكُمْ مَنْ تَرْضَوْنَ دِينَهُ وَخُلُقَهُ. If someone with a good character and good deen proposes, than marry them. He didn't say if they come from this ethnicity. He didn't say if he earns this much. He didn't say if he has this degree or he is this height or he lives in this area, right. So know that when you are prohibiting your daughter or son from marrying someone for unreasonable reasons, you are going against the Prophet alaihi reasons.

Speaker 1:

You are going against the Prophet you are going against Islam, you are committing a sin, basically. You're committing a sin against Allah and you're doing injustice against your children and you will pay for this. Allah will hold you responsible and accountable for this. Do you really want to meet Allah with this burden on your shoulder? On your shoulder?

Speaker 1:

right like you think you, your child will forgive you, like on the day of judgment and all of that. But allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, says in the quran on that day, people would be running away from their like, parents would be running away from their children, children would be running away from their parents. Everyone's just me, me like. It's such a nefsi. Nefsi. Exactly like everyone will be worried about themselves and your child will come after you on that day to take from your hasanat in terms of her specific practical things that parents can do.

Speaker 2:

Um, if your daughter, if you have and I know we're focusing a lot on daughters because they, in most cases, the victims of these situations If you're a parent and you have a daughter, please start the search early as young as 20, I would say 19, 20. Just start the search, start the conversation. If your daughter is about to cross 30, that is a matter of concern, and we're talking as professional matchmakers, because it is very, very challenging for a daughter to get married past the age of 30. Okay, and, and just to add to that, and if there's any girls listening that are still single, um, make this a priority early on in your life. What were you gonna say?

Speaker 1:

I was gonna say that even if your daughter hasn't brought up the topic to you, the subject to you, you bring it up with her. Like you said 19, 20, 21. Don't say, oh, let her finish her education and then we'll start looking. Time doesn't wait for anyone and it's only getting harder and harder. So start that conversation, encourage her and uh, yeah, yeah and um.

Speaker 2:

Your daughter or even your son, has a right to find someone that is compatible for them, and not you. I understand family compatibility does play a part, but when you're living in the west and you're living as a minority we've said this in workshops and previous episodes you don't have the luxury to pick and choose. There are more important things than status, ethnicity and education and treat people as a whole. I don't know if that makes much sense, but no, it does.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, holistically holistically, you know, don't like try to, you know, customize a takeout order when it comes to, you know, trying to find a good, suitable spouse for your son or daughter. Yeah, and this, this isn't how it works. We're human beings, we have our flaws, and if you raise your children right, then allow them to make their mature, sensible decision, while, of course, being a source of wisdom and guidance, but don't impose. Be a source of understanding and compassion and realize that it is very difficult finding somebody in the West, and the more restrictive you are as a parent, the more injustice and more difficult you're going to make it for your children. So be easy on your children, be a source of guidance and support.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 2:

Anything else you want to add?

Speaker 1:

no, just send us some fan mail. If you know someone who's been through similar situation, or a few yourselves, you're looking for some advice, uh, send us a fan mail. It's completely private. Uh, also, rate this show. Come on, we do it every single. Rate this show to keep us going.

Speaker 2:

It helps us stay motivated. Inspired.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, but if you're going to rate it at one or two stars, then don't rate it.

Speaker 2:

All right Till next time guys, inshallah All right.

Speaker 1:

Assalamu alaikum.