Diary of a Matchmaker
Getting married is tough for the vast majority of Muslims in the West. We know because we’ve been there. My (Zaid) journey spanned nearly nine years. It was filled with rejections and self-doubt. While I (Hiba) didn't know there was a journey to be on in the first place. After we got married we decided to create something different to help single Muslims complete their deen. And so our matchmaking service Halal Match was born.
After a few years of interviewing singles, a friend suggested we journal our stories. We tweaked that idea and turned it into a podcast. In ‘Diary of a Matchmaker’ we’ll take you through this unfamiliar world of matchmaking. We’ll share our stories, experiences, and much more. So say Bismillah and tune in.
Do you have a story to share? Email us at: info@halalmatch.ca
Diary of a Matchmaker
Why You Should Start Your Search Early
In this episode we tackle the evolving dynamics around marriage timing within the Muslim community. We share candid reflections on how cultural expectations and economic pressures are pushing many to delay marriage.
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba. And I'm Zaid, you're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2:A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.
Speaker 1:We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.
Speaker 2:So let's dive in. Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode. My name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host Hiba.
Speaker 1:That's me Assalamualaikum.
Speaker 2:I feel that the idea of getting married at an early age is becoming old-fashioned.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:Something that we saw in our parents, even though I know your parents got married at a later stage in life, but my parents got married at a later stage in life, but my parents got married at a relatively young age. But in general, just from talking to people, talking to parents, and constantly hearing the same thing finish your education. Finish your education. It just seems like people are just.
Speaker 2:The norm is now get married in your late 20s, early 30s right, yeah, the economy has a big part in it yeah but also it's just parents societal pressure yeah, the pressure to finish your education, yeah, this idea of success, achievements reaching high financial stability financial stability being in high positions, and all of that and that's coming at the price of marriage.
Speaker 1:That's coming. Yeah, because you want to make a lot of money, because we turned into this super consumer society.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And to obtain that lifestyle you need to make a lot of money.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so when did we get married? I got married. How old was I? 34?.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you were 30. 30.
Speaker 2:Yeah uh, yeah, yeah, and you were 30, 30, yeah, um, but I was as I've mentioned in previous episodes, I started my search in my mid-20s, so alhamdulillah I was putting in the work. But you've mentioned that one of your regrets was starting your search late yeah, uh.
Speaker 1:Well, I don't know if I would use the word search, because I didn't know I was supposed to search, like I said before, coming from an Arab background. You don't search as a girl, you just like wait for things to happen to you right right so I wasn't aware that there are options out there.
Speaker 2:So that was kind of quote unquote, your way of being proactive. So you're being proactive without being proactive.
Speaker 1:So there's like honestly, there's nothing a girl can do right um, but do I regret it. Like do I wish I got married earlier?
Speaker 2:yes, 100, but do I regret it um do you regret not putting in the work earlier?
Speaker 1:if I knew I had options, I would have put in the work. 100 percent, yeah, but I just didn't know. Yeah, but I I feel like I don't know if using the word missed out on my prime years is the right word here, because, alhamdulillah, we are still young. We, like we did things when we were younger. It's not that we were sitting around, but I 100% wish I got married earlier.
Speaker 2:So this brings me to my next point, which is where we're seeing most of our success as matchmakers. Alhamdulillah, a lot of our matches have moved on to marriage. In fact, a very recent one is quickly moving towards marriage, and we've looked back and and tried to analyze the data, I guess, and see what. What's going on. Are there any patterns? And the thing that stands out to us most is that the people that are finding the most success through our service are people who are below the age of 30. And the clients who are over 30 are the ones that are giving us the hardest time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so what I mean by that is that we'll have a double date and in most cases the double date will be successful, meaning that both the matches will say, yes, I want to move forward, and we release contact information and then, after a week maybe a month in some cases it was even just a matter of days both clients will come back to us saying, oh, can you find somebody else? It didn't work out. And let's try to use a specific example. I think there was one match where the double date was successful and then the client came back to us saying that, oh, it didn't work out because our timelines didn't match and we were a bit surprised because, at least the way I see it, you can make small compromises and sacrifices to make sure your timelines match up and to make sure they align right.
Speaker 2:Right, or what was another one.
Speaker 1:Well, there was a case where the guy didn't actually connect with the girl, she didn't connect with him. They were both waiting for each other, for the other person to make the first move, and then it just fell apart yeah, and keep in mind these are all cases where the clients are above the age of 30.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I don't want to make a blanket statement, but, based on what we're seeing as matchmakers, that people who are uh, that are finding the most success through our service, that are moving on to getting married, are people who are young, who are have a flexible mindset, who aren't fixed in their ways, who are receptive to feedback, and it seems like the older people are getting and the more rigid and inflexible they are and the more difficult it becomes to match them.
Speaker 1:Which is strange, because I would have assumed that it's going to be the other way around the older you get, the more compromising you become, the more flexible and the easier it would be to find a spouse right. But it's honestly the other way around.
Speaker 2:I thought the same thing too, but it's honestly the other way around. I thought the same thing too, and we were thinking about changing our service to make it more geared towards older professionals, people who are in the mid-30s, but the numbers were just so clear to us that people who are under the age of 30 are just so much easier to work with.
Speaker 1:And we decided that that demographic should be our focus. Yeah, I have my theory. I think that, um, like, once you get to a certain age and you achieve like some things uh, whether that's achieved, uh like some level of success in your career or financial success then you start feeling like, okay, I worked hard for this, now I'm here. Why would I give it away? Why would I compromise on this? Why would I just for marriage? So people get stuck in their ways.
Speaker 2:You know what that reminds me of what? The three stages of marriage.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And what stage are you describing Reasonable?
Speaker 1:Reasonable.
Speaker 2:Yes, I've achieved a certain level of success. Hence I deserve this Right right.
Speaker 1:So actually the Prophet SAW Said in a hadith mentioned in Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim, that Like it covers like Getting married, like the financial aspects of marriage. So whoever has the financial means to get married, get married, because it would be more secure and stable for your desires and for your eyes, to protect your eyes and your desires.
Speaker 2:What does man istata'a mean?
Speaker 1:Man istata'a, whoever is able, yeah, whoever is able, okay, yeah, whoever is able. And, uh, subhanallah, like living here in the west, you can't deny it, you know. You can't say no, no, I I'm a guy. I'm just not thinking about that.
Speaker 1:I'm not thinking about like I don't have the desires and I don't have no it's, it's a fitra like it's a fitra allah put in you as a guy and as a girl, right, and it just makes it much easier living, even living, in the east. Actually, you dean, you do need a companion. It just makes life much more stable yeah, regardless of age.
Speaker 2:In fact, we just had um an uncle reach out to us. A much older uncle in his 60s reached out to us saying, hey, can you help me find a companion? So it doesn't matter what age you are, you know that's that need that fitra.
Speaker 1:It remains with you yeah, yeah, and if you do get married young, then you get the advantage of growing with this person as in uh, like I don't know, maybe you're still pursuing your education, so you get to experience that with a companion you get to find emotional support yeah, like there is something beautiful and having a companion throughout the multiple stages of your life as as opposed to getting married after you have achieved everything else and now it's like a.
Speaker 2:Checkbox.
Speaker 1:A checkbox, exactly.
Speaker 2:And um, also, if when, like you do get married young, then you have the luxury of waiting a few years before having children, right, so it comes with a lot of advantages yeah, and like we said in in our workshops, we've mentioned this and I think we've said this in previous episodes that, um, you know, marriage does not have to come at a cost. Getting married early does not have to come at the cost of your education, doesn't have to come at the cost of your career. And I'm speaking specifically, especially to the girls.
Speaker 1:Actually, we were just having a conversation with two young, very lovely young girls and we mentioned the topic of marriage. They're family friends. We mentioned the topic of marriage. There are family friends. We mentioned the topic of marriage and they're like no, I need to finish my education, or at least be like halfway through university, because I'm afraid that the guy will prevent me from continuing my education right and as a disclaimer to girls, you can put that as a condition on your nikah contract.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that the guy has to support you through your education or has to allow you to finish your education.
Speaker 2:Yeah, your education yeah, so there are ways around that. Um, I mean, the first step is assessing compatibility and and seeing whether or not the guy has that supportive mindset. Um, but yeah, inshallah, you know, if you're young and you're listening to this, we hope that you start exploring the idea of marriage. Start that conversation with your parents. If you're a parent and you have a child that's 19, 20, we hope that you start that conversation with your children, because, it takes time.
Speaker 1:So even if you're like 22 right now and you start looking now, it might take a year or two years or three years to find the right person and then it's going to take time to assess the compatibility and all of those steps that come before marriage. So, yeah, take advantage of your prime years. It is a beautiful thing. There is a movement actually in the christian community where they also don't have premarital sex and they advocate for young marriages. I was following a youtuber, canadian youtuber and she and her now husband they married. I think she was like 19 and he was 20 or something. They're white Canadians and they had their four children before they turned 25. They're advocating for family values, for conservative values. So it's not just a Muslim thing, right, right, use. So it's not just a muslim thing, right, right, yeah, right. So, on a side note, what are the struggles one would face, uh, when they're trying to get married at?
Speaker 2:an older age. So we kind of already mentioned this where we said you know you become more inflexible the older you get um, and that's naturally going to carry over into your selection process, right, because you're going to become more picky um no, no, but let's say, somebody is open he's like, doesn't have strict requirements, they're still going to face challenges trying to get married.
Speaker 1:Let's say they are 37 or so right.
Speaker 2:well, to be quite frank, whether you're a guy or a girl, you're less sought after at an older age, so you're just creating more difficulties upon yourself. There's a certain level of stigma that comes especially if you're a girl that's 37. I mean, guys are naturally going to be thinking about children.
Speaker 2:They don't want to feel pressure and rushed into having children was actually one of the reasons. Uh, one match didn't work out because the girl was much older and he was concerned about having children. So there's multiple challenges that come the more you delay marriage.
Speaker 1:Um I think that also, uh like, if you seek marriage at that age and let's say you are a guy, then there's gonna be a high expectations from you um, financial expectations because you are established, you are successful, right, so the expectations are gonna be, are gonna match that level. But if you get married at a younger age, you're still in your early 20s, well, the father of the girl realizes you're still in school or you're still, I don't know, looking for a job. So his expectations, financial expectations and demands and requirements are going to be more reasonable I didn't think about that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're going to make it easier upon yourself when, if you're pursuing marriage at a younger age plus, you have your health to enjoy marriage at that age.
Speaker 1:You have the advantage of having children younger to enjoy their young years. When you're still young, you can still run after them, and all of that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 1:But this doesn't mean that you are. If you are older, you're not going to get married, just like we mentioned in the beginning of the episode. I was 30, zaid was 34. Um, what we're saying here, that be proactive. Whether you're young or you're old, be proactive, take the first step yeah, ultimately, your marriage is written by Allah.
Speaker 2:So, whether you're you know, you get married at 25, 35. You can't change Qadr, but what you can do is just put in the work and leave the rest up to Allah. And with that in mind, with that in mind, we leave you here we'll leave you here thumbs up, five stars and hopefully fan mail fan mail, anything.
Speaker 1:Help us grow this, guys.
Speaker 2:Help us grow it and reach more people, and we appreciate it yeah, if you're on apple podcast, I believe there's a way you can leave a comment yeah, you can leave comments on apple podcast and you can rate it also on spotify.
Speaker 1:You can rate it. If you heard something that resonated with you, do send it to that one friend you think will benefit from it, share it and help us spread the word. Until next episode, inshallah next episode assalamualaikum.