Diary of a Matchmaker
Getting married is tough for the vast majority of Muslims in the West. We know because we’ve been there. My (Zaid) journey spanned nearly nine years. It was filled with rejections and self-doubt. While I (Hiba) didn't know there was a journey to be on in the first place. After we got married we decided to create something different to help single Muslims complete their deen. And so our matchmaking service Halal Match was born.
After a few years of interviewing singles, a friend suggested we journal our stories. We tweaked that idea and turned it into a podcast. In ‘Diary of a Matchmaker’ we’ll take you through this unfamiliar world of matchmaking. We’ll share our stories, experiences, and much more. So say Bismillah and tune in.
Do you have a story to share? Email us at: info@halalmatch.ca
Diary of a Matchmaker
I Wish I Could Say This To My Clients
Things we wish we could say to our clients, but find ourselves bound by the lines of courtesy and professionalism. This episode might sound like nothing but insensitive ranting but we promise you it's not. Listen to the end to understand why we decided to make this risky move and share what we had to share.
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba. And I'm Zaid, you're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2:A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.
Speaker 1:We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.
Speaker 2:So let's dive in. Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode of Diary of a Matchmaker. My name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host, hiba.
Speaker 1:Assalamualaikum.
Speaker 2:So you guys already know by now, of course, that we run a service-based business, which is obviously matchmaking. So for anybody that's a business owner, whether you sell a service or product, it comes with a whole slew of frustrations, expectations, the usual tantrums. You know I get frustrated almost monthly about clients. I never take it out on clients, even though some days I do feel like doing that.
Speaker 1:Please don't. And working with Muslims doesn't make it easier as you've heard in the previous episode about frustrations. The downside of working with Muslims doesn't make it easier, as you've heard in the previous episode about frustrations, the downside of working with Muslims. Yeah, but are you a self-hating Muslim?
Speaker 2:Some days I feel like that, like I don't hate my identity, if that's what your question is Like I hate self-entitled Muslims.
Speaker 1:Okay, yes.
Speaker 2:And that I mean that's another episode in and of itself.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But these are some things that I wish I could say to clients, but I can't. Number one, number one why did you start your search late? I mean, I could dedicate another episode to this question. We get clients scheduling calls with us who are 35, 40, even older than that sometimes, and they're just beginning their search, or they started their search just a few years ago and they have no idea why they're struggling.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just recently a guy in his 40s. He just started and he kept referring to his mom and dad. You're?
Speaker 2:in your 40s.
Speaker 1:So unfortunately we couldn't take him on, we couldn't help him.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:But we see this with guys and girls.
Speaker 2:A lot. Yeah, why did you change what you put on your form? So what do I mean by that?
Speaker 1:uh, people, clients, they put something on their form. This is what I'm looking for and then, when we suggest someone to them that meets those criterias, they start changing their answers and after we've done all this work, we we've talked to that person. Now you change your preferences.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So, for example, a girl could put on her form I'm okay with someone that just has a high school diploma. And then we find a guy who has a high school diploma but he is financially stable, he's working on growing a business. We schedule a call with the girl and the girl will say actually, he, you know, I'm a bit concerned about his lack of education. I don't think it's going to work. Then why did you put it on your form?
Speaker 2:exactly right, drives me nuts number two number three um, why would you like fries with that?
Speaker 1:That's my favorite.
Speaker 2:What do I mean by that? What I mean by that is people have these expectations and they put these things on their form as if we're creating human beings for them. You know, blonde hair, blue eyes. I want fair skin, slim body.
Speaker 1:No, no, that's not what we get. I'm exaggerating a bit.
Speaker 2:But the kind of um you know, requirements we get on the registration form makes me want to say to them would you like fries with that? Because it seems like they're just ordering a burger what kind of toppings exactly number? Four, Exactly Number four. Do you know how to talk to women?
Speaker 1:Do you?
Speaker 2:I feel like I do, okay, but apparently some guys do not, because I always assume there are just simple, no-brainer things that guys know they should or should not say to women. But on this virtual double date we were in for a bit of a surprise.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So our virtual double dates. The way they go is that we put our clients into a separate breakout room where they have some privacy and they play certain activities and through those activities they get to know one another. And of course, we check in periodically. During that time and towards the end, we spoke with the girl privately, uh, just to check in how and see how things went. And she mentioned that the the guy has some very strong feelings about finances and that he basically said that, um, she had one of two options either a she's working and she contributes 50-50 to the expenses, or B she doesn't work, stays at home and takes care of the home and he fully supports the home and the family 100%.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and if she chooses to do that, then she has no say in how he earns his money.
Speaker 2:Whether that's halal or haram means yeah, so it could be drug money. It could be anything. She has no say in the matter, so you can imagine how off-putting that can be for a girl guys, you don't say to a girl in the first meeting I expect you will contribute 50%.
Speaker 1:You do not say that exactly you position yourself.
Speaker 2:You introduce yourself as a leader, as a caretaker, as a maintainer exactly, yeah okay, would you submit a job resume the way you submitted this form?
Speaker 1:I'm thinking of a few cases right now.
Speaker 2:Yes, Actually, a recent one just a few weeks ago. Literally most of his answers was one word answers.
Speaker 1:Yeah, broken.
Speaker 2:English one word answers.
Speaker 1:I can't remember what the pictures were like and then filling the rest with symbols and dots, because we have a minimum number of characters.
Speaker 2:Yes, so they had nothing else to say and they just wanted to move on.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Not more I can say about that. Do you know how sexist you sound on this form? I mean, some guys just really let loose on their registration form.
Speaker 1:They don't hold back, they don't hold back.
Speaker 2:I've seen forms where guys will say you know, if somebody chooses to go, if the girl chooses to go back to school and even consider hiring a nanny, then I will marry the nanny. I will marry the nanny. Yeah, we saw that. Yes, I saw that one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or there was another form where the guy had no problem showing that his job as a husband is to what did he say? To discipline, to discipline the wife.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and of course we didn't take that client on. There were too many red flags.
Speaker 2:But yeah, some forms. Sometimes I just wonder they're oblivious or they just don't care, or they just feel like you know we're gonna find somebody that can really fit into this mold. Uh, the next one stop emailing me asking for an update.
Speaker 1:This takes time do you have someone? Do you have somebody? Do you have someone? Yeah?
Speaker 2:and this usually happens for the first month. I remember this I think it just happened a year and a half ago guys signed up would email me almost every week asking for an update and it does take time and I believe after a month or two months I I found somebody and he stopped replying. And then I kept emailing him, I texted him and finally he said oh, by the way, I found somebody else. I'm like oh, thank you for the update, Thank you for letting us know and thank you for wasting our time.
Speaker 1:This gets me every time, like, have the courtesy to let us know to stop spending time and trying to match you, since you're talking to someone right, like, is our time worth nothing to you? And it's not just our time, because we're speaking to people about you and they're getting excited about getting to know you and we have to get back to them and say, oh, sorry, turns out he's talking to someone or she's talking to someone like, come on you know it's frustrating, yeah, uh, you scheduled a call with me and can't tell me what you're looking for in a match.
Speaker 2:Seriously. A lot of times and actually this happens a lot with girls.
Speaker 1:So what are you looking for in a spouse? Oh, I haven't actually thought about it. I mean, this is such a big question. And then they take five minutes and they come up with the most basic things.
Speaker 2:Oh, somebody who doesn't take drugs.
Speaker 1:Yeah, somebody who's not abusive, Somebody who's, like, you know, romantic.
Speaker 2:I'm like, okay, wow, and that makes you different from the last girl. How Come on, man Like specificity is so important.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but if you haven't taken the time to do self-assessment, think about what you need, what you want in a spouse, what's your expectations then you're going to be stumped. But I'm assuming you scheduled this call with matchmakers because you are ready to get married. You've done all the legwork right. Apparently, it's not.
Speaker 2:Okay, next one Thank you for sharing your entire childhood, but I just wanted to know what you do. So our discovery calls, on average, shouldn't go more than, I would say, 15 to 20 minutes, but then, every now and then, we get that one call that goes 40 45 minutes, because the guy just wants to start all the way from the moment he was born to everything he's doing now and and everything he's experienced in his entire journey, which is great, uh, and maybe some parts of that we can use to help you find a match, but 90 of it we can't I don't have time exactly.
Speaker 2:So please be respectful of our time. Please try to be succinct with your words and try to be relevant to you. Know the topic of marriage.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But okay, this is my next one. This is your first rejection. Get over it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's harsh, I know, but rejection is the name of the game. You know, some of you guys that are listening probably are pursuing grad school, maybe considering grad school, and chances are you got rejected the first time you applied. So getting married is no different.
Speaker 1:You got to grow thick skin. This is part of it.
Speaker 2:It's part of it and it will help you refine your search. It will help you get a better sense of who you're compatible with actually we've done a previous episode.
Speaker 1:Uh, how? What it was is called the transform, the transformative power of being rejected.
Speaker 2:There's a lot of good in that okay, next one uh, perfection does not exist. What do we mean by that?
Speaker 1:Well, people sometimes don't realize that you're not going to find everything you need in a spouse. And a lot of things that you think you need. It's actually you want and you don't need them. We're not creating a human being here. People come with their faults, with their strengths, with their weaknesses. You're not going to find everything. It's a full package.
Speaker 2:Exactly weaknesses. You're not going to find everything. It's a full package, exactly. Just remember the defining quality of a human being is that we are flawed. So what you're looking for is somebody that you can tolerate somebody that can tolerate you, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So, zaid, do you see yourself saying something like this to the face of a client or a potential client?
Speaker 2:um, I think my level of tolerance has unfortunately diminished okay as the years have gone on. Um so I I think I would word certain things differently, but I do see myself saying something like this to a client who is showing glaring signs of that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, a lot of times like, honestly, we are conflicted between saying something to the client, not because we want to criticize, but because there is something they're not aware of, there is something they should know and between keeping it professional and none like not judging and not making them upset with us. But a lot of times we say things and a lot of times, actually, people are open and they welcome the, uh, the remark yeah, I'll give you a quick example.
Speaker 2:There was a call we had, um, I think, a girl in canada who scheduled a discovery call with us and for some reason she thought it was wise to schedule a call during work and she was in what looked like some sort of storage room. There were people walking around, there was noise, she was clearly distracted and it was just the worst environment to take a call. And I told her very, you know, very um bluntly that would you take a job interview like this in a setting like this?
Speaker 2:yeah, right, I think I said something along those lines and I told her straight to her face that unfortunately, we're not going to take you on as a client because of the manner in which you you know scheduled and conducted yourself for this discovery call, because we, we just didn't see a sense of maturity in her another girl.
Speaker 1:She took the call actually on the bus yeah do you remember? And the voice?
Speaker 2:was a guy did that on a train too, yeah yeah, the, the voice was cutting.
Speaker 1:She was talking quietly because there were people around and we send you a link to schedule a call at your convenience at a time that works for you. So take it seriously.
Speaker 2:I remember a lady once a much older lady scheduled a call with us and she took it in her PJs on her bed.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah. So those kind of people. We wish them the best of luck, but we don't see ourselves working together. We're not a good fit for each other. But regardless, I hope this episode didn't come off too insensitive. And question of the day. Do you think we are terrible people?
Speaker 2:or are we just human? And fed up and fed up and burned out leave a comment below.
Speaker 1:Be honest, we're not gonna take it personally but, I do love seeing five stars, so appreciate that, and we will until next time inshallah, assalamu alaikum, assalamu alaikum.