Diary of a Matchmaker
Getting married is tough for the vast majority of Muslims in the West. We know because we’ve been there. My (Zaid) journey spanned nearly nine years. It was filled with rejections and self-doubt. While I (Hiba) didn't know there was a journey to be on in the first place. After we got married we decided to create something different to help single Muslims complete their deen. And so our matchmaking service Halal Match was born.
After a few years of interviewing singles, a friend suggested we journal our stories. We tweaked that idea and turned it into a podcast. In ‘Diary of a Matchmaker’ we’ll take you through this unfamiliar world of matchmaking. We’ll share our stories, experiences, and much more. So say Bismillah and tune in.
Do you have a story to share? Email us at: info@halalmatch.ca
Diary of a Matchmaker
Let's Talk Sex Education w/ Amirah Zaky
Prepare to revolutionize your understanding of intimacy in marriage with insights from Amirah Zaky, a faith-aligned sex educator and vaginismus expert. Amirah shares her personal struggles, shedding light on the significant gaps in sex education within the Muslim community. Through her journey, she highlights the vital importance of educating couples to prevent marital discord and divorce, dispelling harmful misconceptions and cultural myths that have no basis in Islam. In our conversation, Amirah recommends invaluable resources to support Muslims, both before and during marriage.
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba. And I'm Zaid, you're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2:A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.
Speaker 1:We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.
Speaker 2:So let's dive in Bismillah.
Speaker 1:Assalamu alaikum everyone. Welcome to another episode. My name is Hiba and on the other mic is my husband and co-host, zaid.
Speaker 2:Assalamu alaikum.
Speaker 1:Wa alaikum assalam, today we have a special guest with us, amira Zaki, a sex educator out of all professions.
Speaker 3:Welcome, amira how are you? I'm good, alhamdulillah. Thank you so much for having me Thank you for accepting our invitation.
Speaker 1:Let's just get right into it. Why sex education out of all the professions out there?
Speaker 3:yeah, it's something that I never thought I would be doing when I was growing up. I wanted to be a doctor and, alhamdulillah, that's not something that happened for me it's. You know, it wasn't part of my qadr and um when I got married. I got. I got married very young. I was 18 years old when I got married.
Speaker 3:When I got married, I struggled a lot when it came to sexual intimacy with my husband and I'm sure you know we'll discuss different reasons why that was the case quality faith, aligned sex education to try to prevent some of those struggles that Muslim married couples go through. I really believe that a lot of this education, this type of sex education, is needed before marriage so that when you know when a couple get married, they feel more prepared. And so I saw when I, when I started this work several years ago, I saw that there was a big need for it, because I do believe in good quality Muslim marriages and I believe that it's important for us to do whatever we can to have happy marriages, and a lot of that does come from making sure the man and the woman are very well prepared years before they get married, subhanallah.
Speaker 1:Do you notice that some marriages fail or some couples struggle just because they didn't have proper sex education prior to marriage?
Speaker 3:Yes, unfortunately, in a lot of Muslim marriages, sexual struggles are one of the main causes for not just issues, but can also lead to divorce, and it's very, very sad. And, like I said, if there was good education and good understanding about these topics before marriage and during marriage too, I think there would be a lot of divorces that could be prevented and I believe that the marriages would be a lot happier and healthier.
Speaker 2:So what are some specific misconceptions and kind of misnomers that people carry into marriages that can kind of be filtered out with proper sex education?
Speaker 3:There are so many and so I'll just kind of say the ones that come to mind straight away. From a woman's point of view, a lot of women tend to go into marriage. You know this is, you know, obviously in Islam we're told to wait until we get married to engage in sexual intimacy. We're told to wait until we get married to engage in sexual intimacy. But a lot of women, when they are kind of maybe, teenage girls, they hear stories that when they engage in sexual intimacy for the first time it's very painful for them. They might also hear stories such as female sexual pleasure is not important and sexual pleasure is just something for the man, just something for the man. They might hear stories that, you know, the purpose of the woman is just to get pregnant, have kids and raise the kids, and her sexual satisfaction doesn't really matter. And it's very important for the woman to make sure her husband is sexually satisfied, but it doesn't really matter if the husband satisfies her or not. So those are kind of the misconceptions that women tend to go into marriage with, and I have to state that all of those things I just shared, for all of those things there is no basis in Islam. For any of those things I shared.
Speaker 3:Those are very cultural perspectives From a man's side. Men go into it thinking similar things. They go into it thinking, you know, the pleasure is just for me and it's a woman's job to satisfy me. Anytime I demand sex from her, she needs to be ready and available for me, things like that. Some men might have false misconceptions that you know, if my wife enjoys sex, maybe it means something about her past or her history. So he might like have negative views about his wife if she enjoys it, if she enjoys intimacy. Um, some men also believe you know that, uh, engaging in sex is just for procreation or to have kids, that sort of thing. So there's lots of different misconceptions that that exist in both men and women subhanallah.
Speaker 1:You know, I remember when my sister got married I kind of asked my mom indirectly, like did you have that talk with her? Just like, no, no, no, I feel so awkward. I would never do that. And I remember when I got married I wanted some guidance. I tried to ask my sister about certain things and she said, no, just Google it, just do your own research, just Google it. Yeah, I don't know why we Muslims feel so awkward to talk about it, even between, like I said, a mother and a daughter, when thinking about the previous scholars, they felt like they didn't feel this much awkwardness talking about sex, right?
Speaker 3:yeah, no, definitely I think it is changing in the muslim community. There are um changing attitudes happening, but I do feel like there's still quite a lot of work to go in continuing to adopt those beliefs about sex that are more positive and truly more faith aligned, because I I I know from experience, because I went to an Islamic school, an Islamic primary school, um, I know that there was no sex education in my Islamic primary school. Um, and especially, I guess, whether you grow up in the west or whether you grow up in, you know, a Muslim majority country, I know that sex education, you know, is either not non-existent or it's very, very basic and doesn't really go into depth and a lot of the time, people won't study it. From a truly Islamic perspective, it requires some deep learning. There are many hadiths regarding the importance of sexual satisfaction for women within marriage. Um, there are ayahs in the quran itself regarding intimacy, and so this is just to show that allah himself talks to us about the importance of intimacy within marriage, and our prophet, muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, also talked to us about the importance of intimacy within marriage and the importance of satisfaction for both the man and the woman. So that is where there is a basis in Islam.
Speaker 3:So, and I like to remind Muslims especially that Allah tells us that sexual intimacy between spouses within a marriage is a form of worshipping Allah you getting rewarded and getting you know good deeds from Allah. Most people, you know, when they think of getting rewarded, they think of you know. If I read Quran, I'll get rewarded. If I give to charity, I'll get rewarded. If I pray, I'll get rewarded. And of give to charity, I'll get rewarded. If I pray, I'll get rewarded. And, of course, all of those things you do get rewarded for.
Speaker 3:But not a lot of people associate sexual intimacy in a marriage with getting rewarded by Allah. So I think you know if there is a huge emphasis in the Muslim community on increasing our knowledge in terms of learning how to recite Quran better, learning how to understand the Quran better, learning how to pray with khushu better, you know all of those kinds of things which are important. But I believe that it is also important if Islam emphasizes the fact that sexual intimacy is a form of worship. We need to make sure we are making it more easily available for Muslims to educate themselves about this topic and, like I mentioned earlier, as much as possible before marriage and also during marriage? Is it's really really important to to either prevent issues or to help Muslim couples overcome issues, if they do go through those issues?
Speaker 2:Definitely, definitely. So what should sex education look like from an Islamic perspective, and how do you balance that with haya and modesty?
Speaker 1:Yeah, because a majority of our listeners, if not all, are singles and hopefully, inshallah, are going to get married soon, so they might be asking the same question when can I get my education about the topic?
Speaker 3:Yeah, so one of the number one resources that I like to recommend are some books by an author called Habib Akande. He's a Muslim author and he has several books that are on sex education from an Islamic perspective. So that is kind of where I would start. There are also a few sex education books that are aimed at Muslims. You can literally just do a google search sex education book for Muslims. There is even a book on by the author Feroza Osman, which is about how to talk to Muslim kids about the topic of sex education. So you know, we have very easily available to us the internet. You can search for good quality resources and books and even things like videos on YouTube that are said from an Islamic perspective, to educate ourselves about it. I also have courses that I offer. The courses I offer are for men, women and for parents. So there are resources that are available, but it just requires Muslims to make that effort to go and find those resources or ask someone you know.
Speaker 1:Doing a quick search, you'll usually come across some way to educate yourself on those topics doing a quick search, you will usually come across some way to educate yourself on those topics. We can testify to it ourselves your sex education course. It's one of a kind, covers everything from a to z, all in a professional, um islam aligned manner and highly, highly, highly recommended yeah, definitely, yeah, can you?
Speaker 2:can you share some gems from your courses that would help people um that are seeking premarital training?
Speaker 3:yeah, so, uh, my, the first course that I created is called confident marital sex and that the reason I created that course, first of all, was because of my experience in my own marriage. At the start of my marriage, I struggled with penetrative sex. I struggled with a condition called vaginismus, where where sexual intimacy was extremely painful and I essentially and I got married like many, many years ago, so it feels like you know a long ago, but I remember when I was going through it it was very, very painful and I felt very alone. It was like I couldn't talk to anyone about it. It was just me and my husband that knew about it. And then I discovered that the condition I was going through had a name. It's called vaginismus, and so I had to learn how to overcome that.
Speaker 3:And the process that I had to go on to overcome vaginismus was literally educating myself about sexual intimacy, about how to get my pelvic floor muscles to relax. The pelvic floor muscles are pelvic floor muscles, exist in both men and women. In women, the pelvic floor muscles surround the vagina and the vaginal opening, and if those muscles are contracting because a woman is feeling nervous about her first time, or feeling anxious or fearful, it will cause her vagina to become very narrow, and that's something that no one had ever told me prior to marriage, and so learning how to relax my pelvic floor muscles was one of the very most important steps in being able to educate myself about my body so that sexual intimacy became easy and comfortable and pain-free, and I realized that I really wish that more single Muslim women took that course before they got married. So so I created it to help women who were married and going through vaginismus, which is important. I wanted the women who are already married to overcome vaginismus so that sexual intimacy could be easy and pain-free and comfortable for them. But equally, I really do believe in this phrase known as prevention is better than cure. If we learn about this before marriage, it's going to save us a lot of you know emotional turmoil once we are married, because we'll feel more prepared and confident. So that is a course that I recommend for women to just really get to know their body and feel confident and excited for first, for their first time when they do get married, by educating themselves beforehand.
Speaker 3:I have a course for men. The course for men is called intimacy for men, and it's aimed at men, whether they're married or single. So some of the lessons in that course aimed at single men is really teaching them you know how to manage sexual desire before they're married, because that's a very normal thing. You know, both single men and single women do experience, naturally, sexual desire before marriage. So I do educate how to manage sexual desire before marriage. I also educate in that course things to prepare yourself before you get married, things that men need to know about women, what the man can do to make her first time more comfortable, those sorts of things. And then I also have sections in the course that are aimed specifically once the man is married, on, you know, helping his wife if she does go through vaginismus, how to support her in overcoming that, how to provide satisfaction to his wife, those sorts of things.
Speaker 3:So I have another course for women called the pleasure is yours, which is more on how women can embrace their sexuality within their marriage so that engaging in intimacy with their husband is more enjoyable for the woman. Because I noticed a lot of issues where sometimes the women wouldn't enjoy the intimacy and let's say the husband had a really high desire for sex but the woman wasn't enjoying it. She might regularly come up with excuses or not really want to engage in intimacy because she doesn't know how to enjoy it. So the course called the pleasure is yours teaches women how to put their own sexual pleasure first in the marriage, because I really believe the more that the woman enjoys intimacy, the more that she'll look forward to it and the more that you know the couple will be able to satisfy each other and get both of their sexual desires satisfied. And then I have another course which is aimed at parents, because I mentioned a moment ago that I believe in prevention is better than cure.
Speaker 3:I believe starting sex education from a very young age, from around the ages of three to five, which for some people listening to this might sound very early, but sex education isn't just about sex, it's really educating, really educating.
Speaker 3:You know children and teenagers about their bodies and you know when thinking about a teenager they go through different changes related to puberty and those kinds of things.
Speaker 3:But our teenagers, after a few years they're going to be at an age where, technically, they could get married, where, for in most countries it's legal to get married at the age of 18. And if we haven't prepared not that I'm saying all teenagers should get married at 18. What I'm saying is we need to make sure our children, by the time that they are aged 18 to 20, they feel prepared to engage in sexual intimacy If they do get married. Example like if they, if, uh, if like my daughter's only 11, but when she reaches that sort of age 18 to 20 I want her to feel that if she met someone who was a good Muslim man, I want her to feel ready to be in a marriage and ready to engage in intimacy and not feeling fearful about it. So I do believe that sex education is a journey that does start from a young age, rather than trying to learn everything the night before you get married, because you know it takes some time to learn all the things that you need to know about your body.
Speaker 2:Right right, yeah, mashallah, your courses sound very comprehensive.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah and subhanAllah. I was just thinking about what you said about vaginismus. It's such a common condition that many people don't know about and like it's so common. But yet, because we put this taboo label and we don't discuss this topic, a lot of women go into marriage and they don't know that they have this and they just struggle with their husbands.
Speaker 1:So if we just remove this taboo-ness, then a lot of problems would be solved. Which leads me to my next question how did your family and your community react to your decision to dedicate your career, your career?
Speaker 2:I'm curious to know. I'm curious to know if anyone pulled a haram card on you.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, oh, absolutely, in terms of the haram card or the haram police. That happened at the beginning and it still happens now, and I kind of have a filter that I've made where I kind of ignore those kinds of comments or messages. They don't really faze me anymore. I think I've just gotten used to them and actually I feel like, you know, those kinds of comments have died down a little bit. They still happen from time to time, but I don't get them as frequently as I used to when I first started, which is a good thing, alhamdulillah. Used to when I first started, which is a good thing, alhamdulillah.
Speaker 3:In terms of how my family reacted, um, it was, uh, my husband who was actually very supportive in me starting this work, especially with helping women with vaginismus. Um, my parents were also very supportive. They could tell that I had sincere intentions, and still do, alhamdulillah. I have sincere intentions and still do, alhamdulillah. I have sincere intentions on the fact that I really care about Muslim marriages and I want the couples in those Muslim marriages to be happy. And if one of the main causes of unhappiness in a marriage is, you know, lack of sexual intimacy or problems with sexual intimacy, if I can help those couples in that area, then that is, you know, the work that I feel like Allah wanted me to do, um.
Speaker 3:So, alhamdulillah, my, my, my parents, um, like my dad, is Egyptian. Alhamdulillah, he is, uh, less cultural in terms of how he practices and he's more kind of Islam based in how he practices. Um, so he knew that, with that intention of me wanting to help Muslims, then this was good work that I was doing, and so my family, my parents, were very supportive, my siblings very supportive. In general, the Muslim community, because most of my work that I do is online. So, in general, the Muslim community, you know, on my social media pages, they have all been very supportive, apart from, as mentioned previously, a few odd comments from you know, the Haram police.
Speaker 2:That's great, that's great Mashallah.
Speaker 3:Alhamdulillah.
Speaker 2:So should a couple who is considering marriage and they've assessed compatibility and they want to move forward. How do they go about talking about sex and their expectations while staying in the lines of sharia?
Speaker 3:like I talk a lot about sexual topics on my social media. I'm like a visibly muslim woman and I'm talking to people online, and the people who see me online are men and women and I really believe, if you have the right intention, um, and there are men who watch my videos and learn from the education I share, which I have no problem with. I believe that I speak online in a respectful way. I don't use vulgar words. My intention when I am delivering that information is, you know, respectful, non-vulgar, and I try to be educational. So I feel like that same, those same kind of principles, can apply, when you know, to when a Muslim man and woman are getting to know each other for marriage. If you have the right intention that I'm asking these questions because I want to prevent future problems and you make that clear to the potential spouse, then there usually shouldn't be any issues, and it's also a case of like using common sense as well. So what I mean by that is an example of an appropriate question in my, in my opinion, is something along the lines of if a woman discovers that she has vaginismus before marriage, which is possible, so a woman might, you know, try to use a tampon, for example, and she might really struggle with it and that's an. That's a type of vaginismus, an example of vaginismus if she discovers that she has that before marriage and she wants to talk about that in a respectful way with her potential spouse, simply to inform him and simply to see where he's at to see if he's going to like completely call it off because he doesn't want to have to go through that, or if he's at to see if he's going to like completely call it off because he doesn't want to have to go through that, or if he's going to be understanding. That's useful for her to know. I'm sure, as a woman, she would want to be getting into a marriage with someone who would hopefully be understanding and patient with that and someone who would say I understand, I'm here to support you and help you with overcoming it, that sort of thing. So that is where I would say, okay, that's common sense and that has an Islamic basis to it.
Speaker 3:Whereas I got a message recently from someone, a woman, and she was basically saying can I ask my potential spouse what his penis size is? And in my head I felt like that would be un-Islamic, because Allah tells us to cover our body and to cover, you know, our sexual private parts to cover, like for a woman to like to not show the shape of her figure, to not show the shape of her chest area, or you know that sort of thing. And equally, a man has to cover parts of his body to not show the shape of his private area. So I feel like it would be un-Islamic for a woman to ask a potential spouse, a man, what his penis size is. So this is what I mean by have a little bit of common sense and bring it back to your intention.
Speaker 3:What is your intention for asking that question? Is it because you want to make sure you are marrying the right spouse for you, someone who's not going to um, where you're going to kind of wish that you discuss that sort of thing before marriage? And the same applies to men. Sometimes a man might realize that he has a sexual disorder before marriage or he might have a certain kind of addiction. Is important for him to mention that sort of thing before marriage? So he might have a certain kind of addiction. It's important for him to mention that sort of thing before marriage. So use a bit of common sense and if a person is in doubt. They can go and speak to a trusted scholar of their choice to see is it Islamic for me to talk about these sorts of topics or not before I get married.
Speaker 2:If the sister's intention was to find out whether or not that potential match would be able to satisfy her sexually, would that still qualify as a legitimate question, or do you feel like that would still be inappropriate?
Speaker 3:Personally, I feel like it's inappropriate. It would be the same as a man asking the woman what is the size of her vagina. I feel like it's inappropriate because and it's also a little bit misinformed, because a lot of women have a misconception and actually men have the same misconception. There is a misconception that the size of the penis is has a correlation to sexual satisfaction, and that is actually there's. There's not a lot of truth to that, because it's not the size of the man's penis that leads to sexist satisfaction. It can do, but it's not the only factor in sexual satisfaction, because a man could be, you know, could have a large penis, but he might not know how to satisfy his wife. And, equally, a man could have a smaller size penis and knows how to satisfy his wife, because it, a man, could have a smaller size penis and knows how to satisfy his wife.
Speaker 3:Because it's not just about penetration. There are other types of non-penetrative sex that can be very satisfying to the woman. And it's also realizing that, true, truly satisfying sexual intimacy isn't just about the physical and is it. It isn't just about the meeting of the physical body parts. It's really bringing together physical plus emotional, plus mental plus spiritual in that moment of sexual intimacy. So if there's just the physical body parts, but let's say the woman isn't emotionally turned on or mentally turned on, then no matter what size the body parts are, there isn't going to be any sexual satisfaction, especially for women. Women tend to need a lot more emotional intimacy in order for the sexual intimacy to be satisfying.
Speaker 1:I see that makes sense, makes sense, okay. Is there such a thing as sexual compatibility?
Speaker 3:So different people define sexual compatibility in different ways. Some people think that sexual compatibility is about knowing if both spouses can satisfy each other, or trying to figure out if the sex is good. And that's actually one of the reasons why some people Muslims included, unfortunately, you know engage in sexual intimacy before they get married, because they want to figure out if they enjoy the sex with each other, because they believe that if they don't enjoy the sex with each other and then they get married and then they don't enjoy sex, they're kind of doomed for life, you know, doomed of being married to someone that they're not satisfied with. So I don't believe that, that I don't believe in that type of way of doing things to try and figure out if you're sexually compatible based on just satisfaction. I believe in sexual compatibility more in terms of values. So what I mean by that is what I was kind of talking about earlier on in in what we were discussing is if a man has a belief that, you know, sexual satisfaction is only important for him and it doesn't really matter if his wife is satisfied that, but the woman believes that it is important for her to be satisfied and for him to be satisfied, then that is where there is a clash and that is where, potentially, that couple, if they were to get married, they would be not sexually compatible because there is a clash in their values. So what I believe is important is if they are going to have discussions before they get married about sexual intimacy. It's really about seeing if they are sexually compatible in terms of their beliefs and values when it comes to sexual intimacy, because, as mentioned previously, sexual satisfaction whether or not the man and woman are satisfied in terms of sexual intimacy is based on trial and error.
Speaker 3:So what I mean by that is a lot of people feel like you just have to be good at sex, you just have to know what you're doing. And that's not the case, because when it comes to knowing how to satisfy your wife or satisfy your husband, it requires a bit of experimentation, trial and error, figuring out what turns them on, what makes them feel good, what is pleasurable to them. And you can only really know that from an islamic point of view. You can only really know that once you are married, because islam tells us you can only engage in sexual activity, not just sex. I'm talking about activities that have a sexual nature to them. You can only engage in those sorts of things kissing, cuddling, touching, massaging those things once you are married, and so you can if you have the same values when it comes to sexual intimacy, you both believe in the same sorts of things.
Speaker 3:It is very easy to then learn how to satisfy each other, even if you don't manage it the very first time. You are, inshallah, as a couple going to be married, hopefully for the rest of your lives. You have plenty of time to figure out how to satisfy the other person, and so in in that realm you can become sexually compatible by learning how to sexually satisfy each other, because good sexual intimacy is a skill and requires all the other elements of a good relationship, requires good communication, requires love and trust, really caring about the other person. All of those kinds of things are important for good sexual compatibility within the marriage too.
Speaker 1:Now, what would you say to a single person who watches porn just because he wants to get educated? He's like my niyyah is clear. I'm not watching this for enjoyment, I just want to know before I get married. Do you think it's a good idea?
Speaker 3:From an Islamic perspective. We know that we're not allowed to look at someone who is not, you know, our mahram, for example, someone we're not married to. We're not allowed to look at someone else's naked body and already you know, within porn or pornographic scenes, there are naked men or women in those scenes. So already that is us going into something that is haram education from an Islamic point of view. If if someone had an intention to do something good, it doesn't mean we are allowed to do something haram in order to achieve that good. So we need to achieve the good by doing it through a halal means, and it is possible to get educated. As mentioned already previously in our discussion, there are halal resources, books and courses and videos that are aligned with islam, where you can educate yourself about sexual topics without needing to turn to porn. Now I have to add on to that in the work that I do, I highly recommend as much as possible for men and women, especially if they're single, but and even if they're married, to avoid porn at all costs, to not even dip your toe into it, to not even like, to not even take a glance at anything pornographic, because as soon as you do, you switch your, you change your brain chemistry to where you become more and more curious about it and eventually it could lead to an addiction to porn. And I've seen in a lot of Muslim married couples. Addiction to porn is extremely damaging to the marital relationship. So that is why I say to literally avoid it at all costs. Now, if someone is already watching porn, consuming porn or addicted to porn, then my advice is to seek professional help in overcoming that addiction. Just like any other addiction to any other substance, for example, addiction to porn is serious and is damaging to the person's own mental health and is also damaging to any relationship or marriage that they might be in. So it's really important for them to seek help as much as possible to overcome that. So it's not necessary to watch porn. And another thing I want to say is with something like, with something like porn. It is basically porn is created for entertainment, it's not created for education, and so, and a lot of the times, there are very disturbing things that happen within porn, things that, like I said, can damage your sexual experience when you do get married. A lot of the things in porn are quite degrading to women. A lot of the things in porn are actually things that are haram to do. So it might involve anal sex, which is something that is haram. It might involve things like urinating on the other person. I've heard things like that very disgusting, but what I'm saying is you're not going to get a halal sex education from watching something haram. In order to have a halal sex education from watching something haram In order to have a halal sex education, you need to turn to resources that you know are either from an Islamic perspective themselves or there are some books that are from other faiths.
Speaker 3:So I have a few sex education books that are from a Christian perspective, and I chose those books specifically because there are elements of the Christian faith that are in alignment with the Islamic faith, and so sometimes, if I don't find a resource that is from an Islamic perspective, I might go and find a resource that's from the Christian faith, and if there's anything in the Christian books about sex education, if I notice anything that isn't fully in alignment with Islam, I'll just ignore those parts. That's completely fine because on the whole, it will mostly be in alignment with what Islam teaches to with regards to marital intimacy and that kind of thing, and in addition to that, there are some secular books, some books that are not from a religious perspective but are just sort of general sex education books. They are not pornographic in any way. They don't have pornographic images in them. If they do have images in them, they tend to be like scientific diagrams of the body parts, which is completely fine to look at for educational purposes.
Speaker 3:Like I said, it's not. It's not seeing a real human body part, it's seeing a diagram of the body part to educate yourself. Such as you know, you might need to see a diagram of where the pelvic floor muscles are if you're educating yourself about that, for example. So what I mean is you can't even look at secular sex education books. If there is anything in those books that are out of alignment with Islam, again you can just ignore those parts and take from it the bits that are in alignment with the Islamic faith. So steer clear of porn is my big message. Overcome that addiction with help. If you have an addiction to it and if you have never looked at porn, avoid it as much as you can.
Speaker 2:If I'm not mistaken, you also offer courses to help people have these addictions correct.
Speaker 3:That is correct. So I have two courses that talk about overcoming porn addiction. It's basically lessons within that course are related to overcoming porn addiction. The one for women, because I've noticed that there are women that are also consuming porn. So the one for women is called the Pleasure Is Yours. There's a few lessons in there on how to overcome porn addiction. And then the one for men is the one I mentioned already. It's called Intimacy for Men. There's some lessons in there on overcoming porn addiction. The lessons I offer are fairly in-depth. However, if someone feels like they need extra specialist support, then again, doing like a google search for you know therapists to overcome porn addiction, you will come up with some solutions. I can also recommend a Muslim who he's a shaykh. His name is Wa'al Ibrahim. He is the founder of something called the the aware academy and in that he offers coaching and and courses to overcome porn addiction as well wonderful, wonderful.
Speaker 1:Um. Now a question that some people might have. Like, I'm a single person, I'm trying to get married, but I'm I can't find the right person, but I am very sexually driven. What can I do? I want to avoid porn, I want to stay within the lines of halal. What can I do? How can I control my desire?
Speaker 3:So I recommend a few things. I recommend being physically active as much as possible to release sweat. So one of the things with sexual desire is some people, when they have so much sexual desire, they might turn to masturbation, and masturbation is a form of release, a form of releasing a fluid, essentially, whether it's in women or in men. And so if the more physically active you are in terms of being able to release a different type of fluid, like through sweat, that can help with the managing sexual desire. I also recommend, wherever possible, allowing yourself to cry. I feel like people don't cry enough and I think that allowing yourself to cry is another form of releasing fluids from your body. I believe in people trying to be as healthy as possible, so making sure they're sleeping well, nourishing their body well. I've mentioned being physically active. I've also. I also want to mention the importance of keeping yourself busy as much as possible.
Speaker 3:So, for example, when someone is like busy working, they're unlikely to be like feeling all of this sexual desire, unless they are working in an environment where there's like a lot of temptation around them. Unless they are working in an environment where there's like a lot of temptation around them. If they're busy working, whether they work at home or work in an office, and they're just focused on getting their work done, usually they won't be experiencing a lot of sexual desire, because they'll be like feeling a bit of stress to get their work done. It tends to be when a person is at home by themselves, they're bored, they've watched everything on Netflix or watched everything on the TV and they have nothing to do. And you know they might not be physically active and so they feel bored, they might start to feel sexual desire and so then it can become unmanageable if they don't have a form of release.
Speaker 3:So doing whatever they can to release stress, that's a big one as well. It might be through physical activity, it might be through prayer, it might be through meditation, it might be through boxing, whatever the case may be. So doing whatever you can to release stress and keeping yourself as busy as possible, trying not to be by yourself if possible, trying to, you know, meet up with friends or meet up with family, that sort of thing. And another big one is having like a passion project or a creative project where, let's say, you finished work and you know you're home and you have nothing to do, if you have like a side hustle or a passion project or something that you can really allow your creative juices to flow. That's also really important because sexuality and sexual desire has a link to creativity as well. So doing whatever you can to be creative in building a project, creating a project, maintaining a project, can be very important as well.
Speaker 1:Alhamdulillah, I didn't know that. I also believe that the Prophet said that whoever is unable to get married, so to relieve that stress, that desire lent them fast right yeah.
Speaker 3:so, um, a lot of people will tell me that, even though, of course, that's a hadith and it's a great thing for people to try to do, a lot of people who do struggle with sexual desire struggle with the idea of fasting to curb their desire because, you know, apart from like, obviously, in Ramadan, most people fast in Ramadan because it's like an obligation. But extra fasts that are not an obligation a lot of people find very challenging to do, and so if they're struggling with their desire, there's that's already a challenge for them. To then ask them to do something such as fasting, which is another challenge, it kind of makes them feel like, oh, I have to do something such as fasting, which is another challenge. It kind of makes them feel like, oh, I have to do something challenging to overcome this challenge already. Versus, if I tell someone you know, go for, like you know, go for a gentle walk or go for like a nice run, they feel more likely to do that because it's not as huge of a challenge as fasting For a lot of people.
Speaker 3:This is my experience from Muslims telling me this the idea of fasting when it's not Ramadan is challenging for them. So they can try it, it might work for some people, but for people where they still struggle, then maybe following some of the other suggestions that I shared might be helpful for them too. And also, the thing I forgot to mention is making lots of dua about it. If it's something that you're really struggling with, make daily du'a about it. Allah knows what's in your heart and knows your intentions, and Allah can help you to overcome that struggle.
Speaker 1:Does that make sense?
Speaker 2:Yeah, also to add, I think in many cases if somebody is, you know, struggling with a struggle of sexual desire and they just want to get married but they can't, oftentimes, they can have that conversation with their parents and see if there's a way that parents can support them, kind of alleviate that, find a way to get them married, whether it's through financially supporting them, emotionally supporting them, whatever it might be. So in many cases I feel like where there's a will, there's a way. We add so many cultural barriers that make the journey so difficult that we think, oh no, we have to accomplish X, y, z in order to get married.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, no, that's so true. I believe that, you know, if the Muslim man and woman have been raised well, I do believe in getting married early, married young. It is important. Like I said, it is dependent on if they know their rights and responsibilities and if they have been raised well. And if they haven't been raised so well, it's about unlearning things that might have been, you know, a bit damaging to them in terms of how they were raised and learning the things that will help them to be a better spouse. I know there are, you know, many Muslim marriage workshops to prepare Muslim couples before they get married. So things like that are very, very important.
Speaker 1:Last, question, amira, or maybe one before the last Can you share maybe some stories, of course preserving the confidentiality of people, clients who were maybe on the brink of divorce and through some coaching and some help their marriage was saved, or any other stories?
Speaker 3:Yeah, so I can't say specifically if their marriage was saved because of it, but I know that it helps their relationship in the marriage. So I, alhamdulillah haven't. I haven't had any clients who came to me specifically saying my husband is going to divorce me if I don't overcome this. But they have come to me and said things like I'm really struggling in my marriage, the relationship is not very good, and so obviously you can kind of deduce from that if things continue to be negative in the relationship it might have ended in divorce. But I've never, alhamdulillah, I've never had anyone say like I'm on the brink of divorce, please help me overcome this.
Speaker 3:But they have come saying that the fact that they're struggling with intimacy, it is severely impacting their relationship in their marriage, and so what happens is when a woman, for example, is going through vaginismus and then she overcomes it, she tends to tell me how much the husband is relieved and how much she is relieved too.
Speaker 3:It also a lot of women do come to me saying that they want to overcome vaginismus so that they can get pregnant, and so when they overcome vaginismus, they that they can get pregnant, and so when they overcome vaginismus they feel really excited that they can now try for a baby, and so that is, you know, really touching. I've also had lots of messages from women who I helped to overcome vaginismus. Usually within a few months they'll be messaging me and saying Amira, I'm pregnant, and so that really touches my heart, that like I kind of helped that couple to get pregnant, even though I'm not a fertility person. But it's just like quite amazing and emotional that Allah blesses a couple with a baby and I was kind of part of their journey in helping them to experience that.
Speaker 1:I can't imagine how that must feel Allah using you to literally change the lives of people.
Speaker 3:Any last words, amiraira, to our single listeners, um I would say make sure that you are educated is very, very important, um. Educate, education is part of our deen um. You know, we experience more and more like light, nor from within, when we educate ourselves properly, like it is so important. I'm sure many muslims know this, but just to remind everyone, like, seeking alam is part of our duty as muslims, and we shouldn't think that, you know, we we disregard sex education, um, because we think it's not important. Actually, if sexual intimacy between spouses is raised to the ranks of a form of worship and it's also raised to the ranks of a form of charity too and we know how highly regarded charity is within Islam if it's that important, surely we should make sure we are seeking knowledge about it with the right intentions, to make sure that we are being the best husband or wife within our marriage.
Speaker 1:Just a word, amir, about your service. If anyone wants to reach you, work with you. How can?
Speaker 3:they do that. Yeah, so they can find me, you know, on Instagram, or they can find me on my website. I have all the services and courses that I offer can be easily found on my website, too.
Speaker 1:Okay, thank you so much, Amira. We learned a lot. I hope your listeners out there you learned as well. Reach out to Amira if you have any questions, if you'd like to work with her and, inshallah, see you next time Assalamualaikum.
Speaker 2:Assalamualaikum, thank you so much.
Speaker 1:Thank you.