Diary of a Matchmaker
Getting married is tough for the vast majority of Muslims in the West. We know because we’ve been there. My (Zaid) journey spanned nearly nine years. It was filled with rejections and self-doubt. While I (Hiba) didn't know there was a journey to be on in the first place. After we got married we decided to create something different to help single Muslims complete their deen. And so our matchmaking service Halal Match was born.
After a few years of interviewing singles, a friend suggested we journal our stories. We tweaked that idea and turned it into a podcast. In ‘Diary of a Matchmaker’ we’ll take you through this unfamiliar world of matchmaking. We’ll share our stories, experiences, and much more. So say Bismillah and tune in.
You got a story to share? Email us at: info@halalmatch.ca
Diary of a Matchmaker
How To Choose The Right Husband? w/ Zahra Hasan
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Zahra Hassan, a seasoned relationship coach with a transformative personal journey, shares her insights on building fulfilling marriages. After navigating the complexities of her divorce and remarriage, Zahra reveals the essential ingredients for choosing the right partner. Join us on this truly inspirational and informative episode to learn how to: identify the 4Cs, use rejections to your advantage, identify red flags, and understand subtle cues.
A podcaster herself, Zahra and her funny husband AJ dive deep into the topic of relationships and marriage on her podcast. Follow the Muslim Marriage Podcast on YouTube and the different podcasting platforms.
For quick tips and advice you can follow Zahra on Instagram.
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Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba. And I'm Zaid, you're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2:A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.
Speaker 1:We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.
Speaker 2:So let's dive in Bismillah.
Speaker 1:Assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode of Diary of a Matchmaker. My name is Hiba and this is my husband, zaid.
Speaker 2:Assalamu alaikum everyone.
Speaker 1:Today we are joined by a special guest, zahra Hassan. Welcome, jazakallah khair. Well, thank you, thank you. Thank you for joining us. Zahra is a marriage and relationship coach. And Zahra, what got you into this field?
Speaker 3:That's a really good question, jazakallah khair, thank you for having me. Actually, it's a bit of a long story. It was my first divorce from my first marriage. That is actually what got me into relationship coaching. After that ended in the process of recovering from that divorce and trying to understand what it was that happened and trying to put the pieces of myself back together and learn everything that I could. All of that progress, I would find communities of people who were looking for help, so the more I learned, I would spend more and more time trying to tell people what it was that I learned, eventually coaching them, and I became very good at what I do, and I did that for two or three years, and so that's how it started, alhamdulillah.
Speaker 2:Alhamdulillah. So what were things that you, or some lessons that you learned from your divorce and that you were able to kind of put together to start developing your coaching service?
Speaker 3:To be honest, in the process of trying to understand what it was that happened, all of the books that I read, all of the counselors, therapists, all of the people who have created content in many different ways counselors, therapists, all of the people who have created content in many different ways really were not asking the big question that I had of what does it take to make a successful marriage? What are the actual ingredients? A lot of the books would focus on things like that felt more superficial, right. So they would say things like you know, make sure that you keep dating. It was just like little bit lists of superficial advice.
Speaker 3:Another thing that I didn't couldn't really find in the books and literature is we I know in the previous marriage there was an issue of conflict resolution. How is it that you actually work through problems in a marriage? So I sort of compiled all of that information to answer it for myself. What I think it takes to build a successful marriage is two things. First, you need to have the right partner who shares with you the same vision, the same commitment, the same idea of what they want in this marriage and is invested in the same way that you are. And the second thing that you need is the right set of communication skills to be able to problem solve. When problems do come up, in a way that is healthy and doesn't result in what I call trigger coping cycles, where people's wounds get triggered and then they're able to, they're unable to really engage in a healthy way to actually solve the problem. Instead they instead they get stuck on what hurts within them that's interesting.
Speaker 2:You talk about finding the right partner. That's very much the work that we do, which is assessing compatibility, understanding what your values are. So what would you say is the first step in trying to find the right partner?
Speaker 3:I think the most important step is understanding what you are looking for. So, before you actually go out into the searching process unique because they have a unique amount of access to our inherent core wounds that we developed growing up. So if you're not consciously looking for the right partner, what's happening is that subconsciously, you're looking, in terms of your core wounds, for somebody who's the best at soothing my core wounds Right, and that's the mistake that many, many I've worked primarily with women now Muslim women and that's the mistake that so many of us sisters make is that we look for who is it that gives us the best connection, who is it that gives the most validation, who is it that makes us feel best Right and who's able to soothe those core wounds? Unfortunately, that's a mistake. That's a mistake that a lot of us make. So the first step is understanding what are actually the characteristics in a right partner that will give you the best chance at building a successful marriage. And those are things that I outline over and over again for my audience, but primarily, just shortly, it's four things that you want to try to use to conceptualize what you're looking for.
Speaker 3:First is compatibility, and under the umbrella of compatibility is a very long list, you know, in financial compatibility, in terms of attraction, in terms of logistics, values, religion. It's a long list of compatibility. The second thing you're looking for is somebody who has the capacity. Do they have the ability to be able to build a happy, healthy relationship? Not everyone does at every point in their life. Sometimes somebody's struggling with things like mental health issues, maybe depression, anxiety. Maybe a person is very skewed on the attachment spectrum, maybe they have a very strong attachment insecurity that's incompatible with yours. There's many reasons why somebody doesn't have the capacity. So you want to make sure the person has the ability to be able to build that with you. Thirdly, good character. So somebody who, if you had a child that was the same gender as them, would you want your child to grow up to be just like them, somebody you admire their character.
Speaker 1:And then fourth is connection good connection, and then fourth is connection good connection, and unfortunately most of us are focusing only on connection, whereas you have these other three things that you need to also be paying attention to pass on very good opportunities and prospects just because they didn't feel the chemistry and, on the other hand, some people make the mistake of marrying somebody just because of the chemistry and the connection, when they're in fact, not compatible at all. So it's very interesting that you mentioned that as well.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think, like on the other spectrum, I've had clients who come to me who because an issue in most, in a lot of Muslim clients, is that we're really naive in terms of the whole process, of what are we supposed to be looking for. So people develop different approaches. One common approach is almost like a very clinical approach of I have this list of things, I'm looking for somebody who has these lists of things, I'm going to ignore everything else and focus on the list of things and quite often I've had clients who come to me who have been divorced because they have blocked off that side of looking for a connection, because connection is important but we shouldn't overemphasize it and we shouldn't underemphasize it. It should be in balance by also paying attention to the compatibility, like you mentioned so it's four things you mentioned compatibility, capacity, connection and character four C's yes, you have a good memory.
Speaker 1:I like how you put that so, from doing the work you're doing for many years, mashallah, you probably coached, I would say, close to a thousand clients.
Speaker 3:Yes, because of the way that I started and because of the platforms that I was using, the majority of my clients throughout my career have been people who are non-Muslim men and women. But over the last year um, yeah, over the last year, I would say I I really shifted my focus to specifically focus on muslim women, because that was the area that I thought that I could do the most good.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah, inshallah so what are some common patterns that you're seeing that are hindering marriages from being successful?
Speaker 3:And just in general. I think actually a lot of the information that we talk about is applicable for Muslim versus non-Muslim. I think the mistake is going to go back to those two issues. I think the mistake is going to go back to those two issues, but what it takes to make a successful marriage is to have the right partner. Number one and number two is to have the right set of skills communication skills to be able to navigate your marriage in a healthy way. So I think what the issue that leads to the breakdown of a lot of marriages is that one of these two is missing. One or both is missing. Either somebody was, for one reason or another, did not choose the right partner or they did not develop the communication skills that they needed to be able to actually build that marriage. So if we talk about the right partner to actually build that marriage, so if we talk about the right partner, at best we have this issue of people's marriages breaking down within the first few years. Right, and those are the clients that come to me. And I found that this pattern that at best it was the wrong partner because there was incompatibility, simple incompatibility. At worst there might be abuse. So just somewhere on that spectrum, but in either way, it's not the right partner.
Speaker 3:In fact, whenever I have a client coming to me who's because I also help I do marriage coaching for people who are already married the first question that I ask them is does your husband want you to be okay? Is he interested in your well-being? It's a simple question, but it's very important, because too often the answer to that is no or I don't know Right, yes, yeah, and what that tells me is that the person that she's married to is not invested in the marriage in the same way that she is and, first of all, is not invested in her well-being, but is not invested in the marriage. And those are the clients that I do what I can to help, but those are the clients that I usually cannot help, because if it's only one person who wants the marriage to work, it's not going to work. You need two people, and that's what I mean by choosing the right partner. Work. You need two people, and that's what I mean by choosing the right partner, choosing someone who wants you to be okay, who's committed, who is invested, who shares the same vision that you do when it comes to the communication issues. That's something we can work on. So she tells me that, yeah, he wants, yeah, of course he wants me to be okay, but we have no idea how to talk to each other. Those are the couples that I can help them develop the right communication skills.
Speaker 3:Because the truth is so many of us walk into marriage thinking that that's just going to happen. For many, many of us, that doesn't just happen, right, because you're coming in with your own emotional baggage. He has his own emotional baggage, you his own emotional baggage. You have your triggers, he has his triggers. And women we have a way of talking to each other as women and we talk to men. We're not going to try to talk in that same way to men, to a man, right, and it's not going to work. And vice versa, men have a way of talking to each other and he's going to try to talk to you in that same way he talks to his brothers, male friends. That's not going to work. So it's a good recipe for misunderstandings, hurt feelings, eventually resentment, and then you start going into the territory of contempt and stonewalling and all the things that lead to marriage breakdowns. So, those communication skills.
Speaker 1:When you mentioned that question I thought it's a trick question. It sounds so trivial. But then the shocking thing is some people they don't know if their husband wants them to be okay?
Speaker 3:Yeah, absolutely. I work primarily with Muslim women, but I'm sure it's the same as well for brothers, who are going through this issue of crisis and they're not sure if their wife is okay, but in general, if you're because this is my second marriage, alhamdulillah I have a vantage point where I can see clearly see the difference of what it feels like when somebody is not interested in where your well-being and somebody is, and I can now because I have that understanding. I can see that it would have never worked with somebody who was not invested in the same way that I am, and it can only work with somebody who is invested. So that difference makes it so important to make sure that you are choosing the right partner the first time around, because you can't change that. You can learn how to communicate, but you can't switch them out for someone else.
Speaker 2:It's interesting to point that out. So my search it spanned a very long time it was about nine years and the one thing that I would see over and over and over again is that the measure of compatibility or at least there was an overemphasis on the partner's occupation and career and just general income, and that would usually be the main measure of compatibility. So in your work, are you seeing an overemphasis on that as a measure of compatibility?
Speaker 3:I would say that I have seen across the board, because now I work with women, but before I did work with men and women as well, but I could see that I can tell you that that might be the case sometimes, but it's not as emphasized over the population of people who are going to come and see me. Right, because the people who are going to come and see me are people who are serious about trying to find a partner, who have done a lot of the work, and it's a whole different mindset. So it's going to be a different type of population of people who are going to come see me versus who are just the representative of the population sample in general. But what I usually tell people who have that experience. So, from the point of view of women, they might say something like you know, I'm having a really hard time. I blur my picture like this might be a story, right? I blur my picture on the, on the dating apps, matrimonial apps, and as soon as I am blurred they disappear right, which suggests that, for whatever reason, a population of people are not finding her attractive, physically attractive, and then something that's very heartbreaking it takes a toll, but what the advice that I would give to her is um, just tell her that happens to many of us.
Speaker 3:I know it happened to me. It happened so to so many of my clients, because the truth of the matter is, um, you're not going to be for everyone. You, as a human being, because you're a unique person, you're not going to be compatible with every single person, just like many people are not compatible with you, and that's okay. That's okay. My financial state is not going to be compatible with everyone, right, and their financial is not your state, and that's perfectly okay. You're going to have to have this overall understanding that this is just part of the process, right, that you are compatible with somebody and these people who are blocking you because you unblurred your photos are honestly just saving you a lot of time because they're just giving you the information that you need that it wouldn't have worked with them, and that's okay.
Speaker 3:Somebody who turned somebody away because of their financial status, that's perfectly fine. They're saving you a lot of time and they're telling you I'm not one of the ones that you'd be compatible with. So just having that understanding is the first thing, and the second thing is to do a little bit of the work, because if you have an underlying fear of rejection, a core wound around not being enough, all of these things are going to be triggered as part of this process. So just do a little bit of the work to try to soothe those wounds and try affirmations journal, try to stay in the perspective of I am good enough, I'm going to meet, I'm compatible with somebody, and my job is to select for and keep looking for that somebody, and it's okay that that's not everybody but yeah, it's very much the same thing we share in our workshops too, that basically there's not a one-size-fits-all formula to finding a spouse.
Speaker 2:It starts with yourself, who you are, like you said, knowing what your wounds are, and the journey begins with yourself and not with some general, idealized version of who's compatible for you.
Speaker 3:Exactly For sure.
Speaker 1:Let's talk about red flags. The majority, if not all, our listeners are singles and, of course, the topic of red flags is very important when trying to find the right person. So, in general, what would you say red flags are? How can I distinguish between red flags and just things I don't like about the person?
Speaker 3:And this is actually a really good question that I spent a long time trying to answer for myself, answer for myself. And along the way, I met a lot of people who are marriage counselors and marriage therapists and who do this for their living, and I would ask them this exact question. The first thing is to understand what is meant by a red flag. Right, it's saying what is an indicator of this thing I'm trying to avoid. So the thing that we're trying to avoid is an unsuccessful marriage. So I'm assuming you mean red flags, that would be an indicator that this person is not going to be able to build a good marriage with me. Yeah, so when I would ask them that question, they would say when I asked them that question, it was mostly in terms of people who were manipulative and personality disorder, people who didn't have my best interest at heart. What I was trying to avoid is a situation of being married to somebody who was unsafe, right, unsafe. That was the red flag that I was primarily concerned with when I was asking them and when I asked them this question, they said there are two that are consistent over and over and over again. The first is to somebody who is not able to accept accountability All right. So somebody who's not able to apologize in a real and sincere way and really accept accountability? And second, is somebody who is not able to accept boundaries or respect your boundaries, right? So those? I would keep those two things in mind for trying to avoid somebody who's abusive in general, because that's very important. It's something that happens in a lot of communities, including ours. So, first and foremost, when we talk about red flags, I always mention those so that people have the information that they need to avoid that area.
Speaker 3:When it comes to red flags in terms of unsuccessful marriage in general, there's a very long list, but if we keep an overall theme, it goes back to that question of does this person want me to be okay? Right? Does this person want me to be okay? Everything that doesn't fit with that is a red flag, right. Those are the red flags that matter.
Speaker 3:So, for example, you are in some kind of talking stage with somebody and their communication is inconsistent. Their communication is inconsistent. You were in that talking stage long enough that you've mentioned it and you brought it up and you said something like I'm not going to be able to take you seriously unless I see that that consistency is there, right, and they say yeah, okay, and they then continue to be inconsistent. So that is a red flag, because what that's telling you is that that person has information about what they need to do to make this relationship work and for you to be okay within the relationship, and they're ignoring it. That would be a red flag, right? So all of the things that would go under the umbrella of this person's not really invested in the relationship and, by extension, my wellbeing, those are the ones that really matter.
Speaker 1:How can I tell if this is a red flag or if this is just me being needy?
Speaker 3:That's a really, really good question. I actually spent an hour going through that with my clients a few days ago. Well, they're very good, because it's a very, very good question In a nutshell. In a nutshell, if you're somebody who and I was definitely one of these people who has a background of things like codependency and things like some level of core wounds and has a fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, is a little bit anxiously attacked, there's that person, a people pleaser, just that type of person who has a little bit of emotional things that you need to work on. And you're now meeting people looking for the right partner for marriage, looking for the right partner for marriage. The truth is, both will be happening at the same time, right? The truth is, even if there's a red flag here, you're going to be part of the equation is that you are triggered and you all still have to do this work on yourself. If you meet somebody and there isn't a red flag there isn't any red flag and they were a genuine person in some way you might still be triggered and you might still also have to do so, regardless of what's going on with him or what's going on with her, the other person. The truth is you you probably will be having to do that work on yourself in the background. You are probably being needed in the background as well, right? So now, when it comes to taking a look at them and trying to understand what is this person? A red flag or not a red flag? What I give my clients is I teach them a list of basic red flags to keep in mind. I tell them if this is on the list, it's a red flag, walk away, right? So there's and it's a bit of an extensive list. It's organized in terms of the different intentions that people might have.
Speaker 3:So, for example, one common prototype is there's people who are looking for a companionship without commitment. Right? Whether it could be subconsciously or consciously, intentionally or unintentionally, the truth is they're not ready for commitment, they're not ready for marriage, but there is this need of underlying validation. Maybe they're feeling lonely, so they download an app and just start meeting people. They're not ready for commitment, but they're looking for companionship. And the way that you are able to recognize people like that is primarily through inconsistency and hotcold behavior, so that whenever you start to pull away, they start to draw you back in by making promises. And you know, I want to meet your family, etc. Etc. And then when you say, okay, let's do that, let's meet my family, and then they start to pull back away because they're trying to manage your expectations, they're trying to teach you I don't want you to expect anything from me, but I still want you to be available to provide the validation, all these other things that come with a talking stage.
Speaker 3:So that is one type of red flag, right, one type of prototype of a person who's insincere with their intentions. Another prototype of a person, it happens, is someone who is looking for a tangible gain, like whether it's monetary, right, maybe somebody is looking for a financial gain, maybe he's looking for somebody to help with their citizenship, just something tangible that they're looking for Somebody who's like that. They're going to be a little bit harder to spot because they're 100% consistent. They're going to make sure that they're fully. They're, in fact, over-communicating because they want to make sure that you are staying looking only at them. So the red flags you pay attention to in that case is they'll be doing something called love bombing, where they will over, overcommit quickly. So they will be saying very big words quickly, like they're going to.
Speaker 3:You know, I just met you, but there's no one who's like you. You're the most beautiful person in the world. I've never felt anything like this. And it's been two hours. You know, you see it. You see something like that. So it's been two hours. You know, you see it. You see something like that. So it's the over commit. Quickly and as part of the over commitment, they also want to give you their whatsapp information, give you the instagram information. They want to tie a lot of things up very quickly. So that's another red flag. Um, there's, it's a very long list, but I find the way that I usually teach people, teach clients and audience members, is that we go according to the prototype of individual and how they will present, rather than just a long list of random things that are not really organized. Hopefully, that makes sense.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's interesting that that last point you mentioned, I think it's true Girls can smell desperation from a mile away, right. So guys need to manage that carefully, especially in the beginning recording phase, because, yeah, that can definitely scare off a bunch of girls. But I like how you go deep with the red flags, because I mean, we usually refer to them as deal breakers when we talk to our client. But, um, but yeah, it's usually just no drugs, no, no riba, usually the basic list of haram things. Nobody really spends the time to go much deeper the way you're talking, yeah yeah, I appreciate that.
Speaker 3:No, I appreciate that because, like, that's, that's just a.
Speaker 3:Whenever I was going through this information for myself and talking to all the different types of people, I found that this is information that's accessible, that you just google red flags and you you have the lists, but it doesn't really sink in and when you meet somebody, even though you you have something that's on you might have five or six things on the list you're going to start excusing your way out of it, and the reason why is because you're not really understanding what is this person's intention.
Speaker 3:But if you have a list or indicators that is organized according to the person's intention, you're like you know what he's doing. This he's doing this, he's doing this. He might be somebody who is just trying to get rebounding, trying to get past their ex-wife or their previous long relationship, and I don't know if I really want to be involved with that. So when you have a clearer picture of the person's actual intention, of why these red flags are presenting, then it gives you deeper information that allows you to walk away instead of reflexively excusing it and then coming to see me three, four years later.
Speaker 1:Well, this leads to my next question, which is what should one's reaction be when they spot a red flag? Should they just end it immediately, or should they discuss it, discuss their concerns with?
Speaker 3:the other person. I'm assuming this is just all people who are not married, who are single and meeting people. Yeah, walk away. I wouldn't say to ghosts, but I would give them something generic, right? So what I did for myself and I find it's helpful for a lot of clients is because I use the dating apps, the metronomy apps that's how I was looking for people is that I saved on my notepad two sentences and every time it was time to walk away, I would copy and paste it into it because it just it reduced the barrier of, it gave me a little bit more courage to walk away, because it reduced the barrier of what am I going to say and how is he going to react, and then all of these things, because you just copy it and paste it and in terms of I know sometimes people, they have a lot of guilt of not trying to hurt people right but the best thing that you can do for a person number one is not waste their time.
Speaker 3:If you decide that someone is not good for you, the best gift that you can give them is walking away. Um, yes, and the second thing is to remember that, just like you're an adult, these are adults that you're dealing with and as adults, people are responsible for their own emotional well-being. So they're going to be okay because it's their job to be okay. And if they're not okay because you, they've just met a couple months ago, that's just somebody who probably is not ready for marriage.
Speaker 1:Anyway, Speaking of red flags, have you seen any difference between red flags amongst men versus?
Speaker 3:women. In the beginning of my career, I mostly coached men, and then there was a lot of women that came in, so I did coach men for quite a bit of time. Um, but they're because they were non-muslim men. It was, uh, their red flags might be different than the red flags for muslim men, but in general, there is a pattern that has emerged, and I know this. This is one of those controversial takes, but it I'm just presenting the evidence as I see it. So, after going through the process with hundreds and hundreds of these individuals, you start to see patterns that develop. And what are the patterns that I do I noticed is that sometimes men would choose women who are not ready for marriage not ready for marriage, and the best indicator of this would be being a lot younger.
Speaker 3:Now these men were non-Muslim and they were primarily choosing non-Muslim women, and that might be different, for in our Muslim communities, women tend to be ready for marriage earlier because it's socialization, right, but not ready for marriage, and I think it's the reason might be because, as you know, marriage is not easy, right? Even if you're married to the right person, their life is still going to life. Challenges don't stop coming and throughout facing the challenges with this other person. Marriage is not easy, and particularly as women Muslim or non-Muslim everywhere that I've seen them a lot is required from women to make marriage work. There's a lot of responsibility on our shoulders in terms of keeping the house running, if there are children, keeping the children running. There are amazing men out there who are wonderful fathers, but the reality is a lot of that responsibility falls onto women's shoulders Keeping the relationships with the in-laws on both sides and going to work on top of that.
Speaker 3:There is a lot of burden that falls on the shoulders of women and in order to be able to carry that burden, a woman must be really rooted in who she is, who she is today, have a really good, solid understanding of who she is, because the pattern that I've seen is that sometimes men would choose women who are, who still are not rooted there, because that takes a time Right, because now, in my old age, alhamdulillah, I know who I am, but I know when I was 20, when I was 19, it was a very different story. I had no idea who I was. It was something that was still being developed. So when you choose a woman who still is not quite sure of who she is and what it is that she wants from this world. She doesn't have those roots yet. She's not going to be able to carry that burden.
Speaker 3:So when she becomes married two years, three years, 10 years, 15 years those are the marriages where the brothers or the men would eventually come back and say I don't know what happened, like that's usually how that goes. They say I don't know what happened. I thought we were happy, I was doing everything that I could, you know, to help her in this area, this area, this area. But nothing that I was doing was working. And suddenly, suddenly, she left Right.
Speaker 3:And the reason for that is because sometimes these are the women and the sisters who be. They start to resent. If you don't know who you are and you now have all these responsibilities, resentment builds of the responsibilities and this other person and this whole life that you've built, because this is not what you want. So sometimes they take a step back to go figure out what it is that they want and what they need, and then sometimes they'll come back and reconcile. Sometimes they don't, but that's the pattern that I've seen. That was consistent in terms of coaching men over and over and over again. This is not as big an issue within the Muslim community, like I said, because with socialization we tend to figure out who it is that we are earlier and that we want marriage and we're prepared for marriage much, much earlier. That's because we're a marriage-minded community, so that's not as big a problem. But if there was a consistent issue, it would just be that Make sure that the women that you're speaking to know who they are and know that this is what they want.
Speaker 2:Why do you think it is difficult for Muslims to get married these days?
Speaker 3:That's a really good question. I think it's a multifaceted answer, right. But if there was, I think it's two reasons. Two reasons. The first one is that people are having difficulty meeting each other right and meeting each other, simply because I know people talk about third spaces. Right, you have home and you have work, slash school, and that's it. Most people just exist between those two and third spaces. Right, you have home and you have work, slash school, and that's it. Most people just exist between those two and third spaces have disappeared in communities all over the world. So, because of those third spaces not existing, they're just the opportunities to meet people are just so much less right, which is why your service is so important and matchmaking services are important.
Speaker 3:I know somebody there's a brother out there who's now trying to create an app where he organizes the masajids matrimonial service into one entity. Inshallah, there's a lot of hope for that. But the meeting people is the first issue. The second issue is in knowing what you're looking for after you meet them, because the naivety is a really big problem. I know this is true for me and true for a lot of sisters.
Speaker 3:I just I went to school or work and then I came home, Alhamdulillah. You know, we lower our gaze and we don't really there's separation of the genders, we don't really interact with each other. So, other than my brother and my dad, I had no idea what I was doing. So there's a real big naivety in terms of what is it that I'm even looking for, and I think that naivety is very harmful because what it does is that when you are now coming back and now starting to look for a spouse, most people think that other people are like them. That's where they start.
Speaker 3:Right, I think this way and therefore other people must also think this way, and unfortunately, that's not true. Right? There's all different kinds of people with all different kinds of intentions. When you meet our painting people, for example, on the matrimonial apps, I tell my clients, for every 50 people that you meet, you swipe right on. One of them will be normal. When I say normal, I mean when I say normal, I mean one of them will be someone whose intentions are at least sincere sincere. The other 49 people have all of these different kinds of intentions that are different from yours. This is such a gloomy picture.
Speaker 3:It is, it is. But if you do it right, you get through those 49 very quickly, yeah, yeah, if you know what you're looking for and are able to recognize who's who and I give the people, inshallah, enough tools to be able to see them right away. Within a few sentences, you're like, oh, okay, this is what's going on. I way, within a few sentences, you're like okay this is what's going on.
Speaker 3:I swipe away, then you just walk away, you walk away. But what I mean is it's important to understand that not everybody has good intentions the way that you do, that 49 out of 50 are going to have intentions other than yours. That just having that understanding is already really important, because you see so many sisters fall into situations where they're they're like I don't know what happened. He seemed like I'm speaking. I'm sure the same is true for the brother side, but I work with women, so this is what I see. They say I don't know what happened. He seems so sincere. Um, then suddenly this happened and suddenly that happened and they they end up in sometimes heartbreaking situations.
Speaker 3:So it's important, important to know that other types of intentions exist. So these are the two primary options problems not being able to meet each other and decent places and, number two, not having an idea of how to interact with each other once you've met them Right. So what I've done is I've created a webinar, particularly for the women, who at least deals with the second aspect, okay, the naivety part of the equation, where I teach them this is the prototype of how the right man will approach you Like. This is what to expect, and let's go through all the different types of wrong men and how they might approach you and how to avoid them, inshallah, so to at least have an idea of that's what.
Speaker 2:What's going on out there so the first problem, in my personal opinion, is that is being exacerbated by the massages, but the fact that the masjids are the places that Muslims should feel comfortable as a resource to find a compatible spouse, but yet all they're doing are just Hussair sessions every week, quran halakhas every week, which are important, and it's all segregated and it's all segregated, so there's no means to interact with the opposite gender. And if they are doing a matrimonial thing, it's just a matrimonial event where it's just a speed dating event and you're speaking to someone for five minutes and that's it.
Speaker 1:Two hours it's over and you got nothing out of it, and mommy and daddy are sitting across from you Exactly.
Speaker 3:There you go. I think it would be a recipe for a lot of success. But, inshallah, hopefully, I have a lot of faith in this generation, because this generation, we see, is very, very. They have a lot of good ideas Right and they are very good at adapting adapting like, seeing and understanding what the problem is and coming up with solutions.
Speaker 3:So I have a feeling, inshaallah, that within maybe next five years I I mean my condolences to anyone who's looking right now, but hopefully in 10 years, 15 years, um the next generation of people who are looking will have a lot easier time because they will have structures that are set up because, alhamdulillah, like, people are working to try to solve this problem in many different directions, like the people who came up with the matrimonial apps. They have a lot of problems, but they are at least there, people who are coming, like yourselves, who have these wonderful matchmaking services. It's at least trying to start to address the problem. So I think that the innovations, inshallah, will start to catch up with the problem and hopefully start to be a really We'll be able to walk our way back out of this. Inshallah, we'll start to catch up with the problem and hopefully start to be a really, we'll be able to walk our way back out of this. Inshallah, inshallah, inshallah.
Speaker 1:You mentioned that you, through the webinar, you teach the women how to spot and recognize the right partner. Can you share one pearl of wisdom just to our listeners?
Speaker 3:That's really. That's exactly, um, in terms of the right partner. We start with how you feel, because a lot of it is nervous system right. People underestimate, um, underestimate the in the information that their body has access to, that their conscious mind won't have access to right. Let me just give you just a little bit of analogy, because I think this is the way that I conceptualize it this idea called instinct, this instinct.
Speaker 3:What I think instinct is is that when we are paying attention to some stimulus, we're looking at something, our eyes are able to perceive 100% of the information, and all of that 100% of the information gets stored into your mind, right into your visual cortex and other places in your in your brain, and what makes it up to your frontal lobe, into your conscious mind, will maybe be 1% of that information, right? So when I'm looking at something, I'm looking at a person or I'm looking at a text, I am paying attention to things like facial expressions, little micro changes in tone, all kinds of indicators of sincerity versus insincerity. Combine that with all the other information your brain has about what you've seen in the past from other people who are being sincere and sincere. All of that gets packaged up and thrown at you as an instinct. So when you have this feeling within your body, within your nervous system of everything feels fine, but I don't know, something tells me it's off. Too often both men and women ignore that right. Ignore that.
Speaker 3:So when it comes to find, when you meet somebody and he's the right partner, a big aspect of that is that your nervous system is not activated, that you feel calm in their presence, that you feel safe in the same way that you. If you're looking for something to match it up to with your friends, your really good friends, when you meet with them, your nervous system is not activated inshallah. If it's a healthy friendship, or your sisters or just somebody in your life that you like enjoy spending time with. The way that you feel with them is how you will feel with the right partner. So that's what you can use as a measuring stick. How you feel is very, extremely helpful, because your instinct is only on your side and has no agenda except to keep you safe and on the right path. So pay attention to your instinct and how you feel when you are interacting with a person, and that can be very helpful information.
Speaker 1:Wonderful. Wonderful I don't think we've discussed this topic so far, the topic of instinct. Listen to your.
Speaker 2:Listen to your gut feeling.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the same thing, but at the same time, think with your brain, not with your heart, right?
Speaker 3:It's important that you keep what we spoke about in the beginning in mind, right?
Speaker 3:So, in terms of the person's character, in terms of a person's capacity and compatibility I know I just threw that out quickly.
Speaker 3:I just did an episode on our podcast last week where I went into a little bit more detail, but the idea is to pay attention to the whole picture of the person, because what you're looking for is, three years down the line, you know, when the rent has gone up and you're not going to have to figure out another place to live. The person on the other side of that couch is it someone who's going to be able to help you deal with this problem in a healthy way, or is it someone who's checked out? Or is it someone who is God forbid abusive someone who is God forbid abusive or is it like the person on the other side of that couch when the problem starts coming? Is it you want the right person there, who has the same vision, who has the same ideas, who has the same goals that you do and who is as invested in seeing your family succeed as you are, and your instinct will give you a good indicator of is this person safe? It's a big part of that equation.
Speaker 1:So Zahra, your podcast seems like a great resource for single Muslims who are looking. Can you talk a little bit about that?
Speaker 3:Jazakallah khair. Yeah, my husband and I we started a podcast I think it's been three months now some of the issues that come up in the community, both for single and married, and and sort of give them an idea of how we deal with it. Right, so to have a blueprint of how to deal with that issue, how I dealt with looking for a spouse, how he dealt with looking for a spouse. We did an episode about divorce, because both of I, both of us, were previously divorced, and breakups and how to let go and move on and all of those things. We did an episode about red flags, which I think was very important. So we just a lot of the topics that we feel are important and relevant in the community. Plus, there's a lot of jokes. My husband tells a lot of jokes, alhamdulillah, but that's what that is.
Speaker 1:Okay, follow the Muslim Marriage Podcast. It's a great resource.
Speaker 2:And anybody that's looking to seek your services and possibly hire you. How can you go about doing that?
Speaker 3:Right now, we are on Instagram, right? So the name of my business is Zahra Hassam Coaching. So it's at Zahra Hassam Coaching. So it's at Zahra Hassam Coaching. Uh, inshallah, you can find us on Instagram. Uh, you can find us on our podcast on YouTube. Um, and those are two, the two primary ways.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay, Cool, wonderful, uh. Thank you so much for your time, for uh all the knowledge you shared with our listeners, we ourselves. We learned a lot.
Speaker 2:Exactly Any parting words, any advice for people listening.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's good. I would tell them what I would tell myself before I went through all of this and that everything is going to be okay. Inshallah, that. My experience over the years is that every single person who wanted to get married eventually gets married right. So your issue is not whether or not you're going to get married. Inshallah, you're going to get married. As long as you keep looking and doing the work, inshallah, you'll get married. Your issue is whether or not you choose the right partner. So take your time, make sure you're considering everything into place. Inshallah, some of the things, a lot of things we discussed here today and focus on making sure that you're choosing the right partner because there, and that it'll be the right person on the other side of that couch, inshallah and then with a message, of message of hope.
Speaker 1:I love that. Thank you so much, uh zahra. Thank you to our listeners. Inshallah, we'll see you next episode.