The Illusion Of Options

Why are so many single Muslims still struggling to find a match despite an ocean of options? Using relatable analogies and personal experiences, we explore why having a plethora of matrimonial avenues doesn’t necessarily make the quest for a partner any easier. Is it a lack of awareness? Misunderstanding how to leverage these resources? We untangle these questions and more.

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Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

Assalamu alaikum , I'm Hiba . And I'm Zaid , you're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker .

Speaker 2 0:05

A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers .

Speaker 1 0:09

We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim .

Speaker 2 0:12

So let's dive in . Bismillah , assalamu alaikum everyone , welcome to another episode of Diary of a Matchmaker . My name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host , hiba .

Speaker 1 0:26

As-salamu alaykum .

Speaker 2 0:27

So , needless to say , there are an abundance of options when it comes to marriage . We have matchmakers , obviously we are matchmakers . There are websites , there are matrimonial events , there are rishtantis , which is just another word for matchmakers .

Speaker 1 0:43

There are apps , WhatsApp groups , Facebook groups .

Speaker 2 0:47

The list is endless . Yet we still have people struggling , people depressed people , burned out , people approaching their mid-30s to 40s not having any luck getting married . And so let's talk about why .

Speaker 1 1:03

Yeah , you'd assume that with more options it'll be easier to find a spouse , right ?

Speaker 2 1:08

Yeah , but yet the problem is getting worse and worse . I'd argue to say it's probably gotten even 10 times more difficult than it has since our parents' generation Right .

Speaker 1 1:19

For sure .

Speaker 2 1:20

So I'll throw an analogy at you and see if you can maybe find a correlation between this analogy and the problem that we're having with marriage .

Speaker 1 1:28

Go ahead .

Speaker 2 1:29

So we go to Walmart , let's say we're at a toothpaste . We go to the toothpaste section and the first thing we see is Aquafresh Colgate . I don't know the other brands .

Speaker 1 1:41

By the way , Colgate is on the BDS list .

Speaker 2 1:43

Yes , don't buy Colgate . I don't know about Aqu brands . Oh , by the way , colgate is on the BDS list .

Speaker 1 1:46

Yes , don't buy Colgate , I don't know about .

Speaker 2 1:47

Aquafresh , but regardless , I think so as well . So there are an abundance of different types of toothpaste , shelves upon shelves , upon shelves , and sometimes we'll spend up to 10 minutes trying to find the right toothpaste . And we finally get the toothpaste and we go home and we're happy . And we finally get to toothpaste , and we go home and we're happy . And yet what we're seeing is that , despite the abundance of options when it comes to toothpaste , people still have dental problems . People are still having tooth decay , root canals , all sorts of problems . And so is there a correlation between that analogy and this , where I'm a bit , a bit far off ?

Speaker 1 2:29

well , I hope listeners don't think we're referring to them as toothpaste so is there a correlation uh , yeah , I think so how so ? So there are different reasons why somebody , why somebody would buy toothpaste and then not benefit from it ? Maybe they just don't know how to use it ?

Speaker 2 2:50

Okay .

Speaker 1 2:50

Okay , maybe they don't know how to use it properly , maybe they buy it and don't use it actually , and maybe they can't afford to buy it . They see the options , but they can't afford to buy the toothpaste .

Speaker 2 3:12

Okay , fair enough , so let's tackle them one by one um , lack of education . That's one of the points that you were saying , right , yeah , um , so can you expand about on that a bit ? What do you mean ?

Speaker 1 3:19

so if we go back to talking about uh options when it comes to uh matchmaking , um , lack of understanding how to use the apps , or actually let's go before that some people don't know there are options , there are great options , but they don't know about them . So that's the first problem . Actually , that was me before we got married right , we it's like I said before .

Speaker 2 3:44

We treat , uh the search for marriage as kind of a passive easy . Well , it should be easy , but more of a passive endeavor rather than an active endeavor .

Speaker 1 3:53

Yeah , but simply people don't know . Some people don't know there are options , right , uh , second of all , if some people they do know there are options , but they don't know how to use them , maybe some people are on apps or websites but they don't know how to create a profile that will attract people . They don't know how to approach people and they end up not getting the full benefit of the app or the website .

Speaker 2 4:17

Okay , that's true . Unaffordability is also another one .

Speaker 1 4:23

Unaffordability . Yeah , I think most of the apps are very affordable okay and I'm not saying go for the apps or don't go for the apps .

Speaker 2 4:31

I'm just stating the fact .

Speaker 1 4:34

I think apps are affordable , but maybe matchmakers personal matchmakers are not that affordable for everyone . So that too , I'd like to believe that we at halal match , we are in the middle between affordability and between fair compensation for our time yeah , yeah , I think so too yeah so affordability um what else ?

Speaker 2 4:58

the bigger question is does an abundance of options make things harder or simpler for people ? And it's clear that it's making things harder . It's just overwhelming because people are unable especially in busy times like this , they're just unable to filter out what is conducive for marriage and what isn't . I mean , let's take matrimonial websites , for example . There are so many matrimonial websites out there , a lot of which are just public directories . Right , you just post an app and you see somebody's it could be an AI profile , it could be like somebody from Timbuktu . There's no privacy , there's no profile assessment or compatibility assessment , personality assessment there's nothing like that and you're seeing everybody of the same gender as well as the opposite gender .

Speaker 1 5:53

So it's a big joke . We don't want to scare you too much , but there are a lot of married people on the apps and the websites . A lot of married people , a lot of creepy people who are just looking to have fun . They're not serious about marriage , so just be aware of that . You know , what I also think is contributing to that ?

Speaker 2 6:17

What .

Speaker 1 6:17

It's because , uh , we are achieving a lot , like , compared to , I don't know , our parents generation , this generation , mashallah , they're achieving a lot education wise , career wise , especially more so women than men , both of them honestly both of them are achieving a lot which is something great and amazing yes but um at the same time , our expectations and our demands , our criteria , is going up . It's going up so much now that it's hard to find somebody who meets that criteria .

Speaker 2 6:51

Right Now the question somebody listening would say well , isn't that deservedly so Like ? If a person is achieving so much , shouldn't they be searching for a spouse that also kind of meets that criteria ?

Speaker 1 7:09

So there is a difference between your needs and your wants , a difference between necessities and luxuries , and a lot of times , because we've achieved so much , we think that now I'm deserving , I'm entitled to somebody who has even more . And a lot of these things are not necessities .

Speaker 1 7:31

For example , I don't know they should be living in a specific neighborhood , driving a certain car , earning a certain number , looking a certain way , earning a certain number , looking a certain way . So all these things we're adding , they're just making it so difficult to find somebody , even though there are a lot of options , a lot of great options . But we're looking for a needle in a haystack .

Speaker 2 7:56

So , to piggyback off what you were saying , I feel that people are conflating two things societal achievements and accolades with qualifications of a spouse . Right that whether you know what you achieve in society , career-wise or income , isn't necessarily indicative of a suitable spouse . So they could be an engineer , lawyer , whatever they might be , they could be a business owner , they could be earning six figures , but they might not have the qualities of leadership , maturity , financial responsibility , these important qualities that girls are especially looking for in a husband . So when we talk about criteria becoming extreme , yeah , it has become extreme , because I feel people are conflating the two things .

Speaker 1 8:52

Yeah , right , yeah , I agree with you . And also because there are so many options , I think people don't feel the urgency to start looking and put in the effort . So , like you said , they're taking a more passive approach . And , yeah , I have whenever I'm ready , I'll find the right person . There are a million places to look and when reality is very different , because with time , your options become much , much , much narrower .

Speaker 2 9:20

So another reason why too many options is a bad thing is because people are not making time for the right option . So you have a thousand different options and within that thousand maybe there are just a hundred good ones that are really worth investing your time in . And because people are spreading themselves so thin , uh , trying ever putting their hats in in their time into different buckets . They think they're going to get results , but the reality is they're just burning out right so the important thing is investing your time in the right options .

Speaker 2 9:55

You want to get the best toothpaste and not the not . Not get 10 different toothpaste , thinking okay , one of them is going to work and fix my teeth , when , in fact , if you just get the right one or the right two , you'll get the right results . Is that a good analogy ? Yeah , okay , good .

Speaker 1 10:11

Also , when there are so many options , it's hard not to compare . So you're looking at five profiles of different girls and you're comparing oh , this one has the best education , but this one is taller , but this one is thinner , but this one I don't know is more beautiful . So we're treating people not as human beings , like they come as a whole .

Speaker 2 10:33

We're treating people as Like Amazon products .

Speaker 1 10:36

Amazon products , reading reviews and comparing . So that's one thing . Also , there is a level of fear of missing out . What if I say yes to this person , I settle , and then I'm missing out on probably someone better , someone who is I don't know , makes more income , someone more educated . Maybe I'm missing out on someone who's more handsome . So you know what ? Let me keep looking . Somebody better will come along .

Speaker 2 11:04

Yeah , fomo definitely plays a part , and it's no wonder that our parents had a much easier time because they didn't have a hundred different girls or guys to pick from .

Speaker 1 11:12

It was this or this . Choose from Exactly .

Speaker 2 11:15

And the people knew there would be a degree of compromise coming into it . And that's also another factor that comes into play , that when you have an abundance of options then you are less willing to compromise . Because hey , I got option B if a doesn't work out . Yeah right . So the list goes on and on . As to why you know too many options is hurting us , um but I do agree with you our parents had it much easier .

Speaker 1 11:41

Now the question is were they happy with their choices they made ? Or no like do they uh wish they had more options and they ended up with someone better ?

Speaker 2 11:55

I don't know . That's something we gotta ask our parents , so it's not about , like it's about the quality , not about the quantity . Right , yes , true , um , but the truth remains that our parents were at least more willing to make it work right , that they were more willing to compromise not compromise on , you know , being depressed or you know , compromise on their happiness , I mean , but they were more willing to make it work .

Speaker 2 12:23

Also , when it comes to too many options , it turns into window shopping , all right , or people just looking to have fun .

Speaker 2 12:31

So everybody knows what window shopping is . But I see there's something on the whatsapp groups and the crazy thing is that what I'm seeing more and more now is that parents are doing a lot of window shopping , more so than people looking to get , more so than their children . And because I'm on this one WhatsApp group and mashallah , this brother is very well connected is constantly posting these bio-datas . So sometimes I reach out to these parents because then the phone number of the parents are on the profiles and I say you know , we're professional matchmakers , we have some potential matches that could work for you , and all they want to know is the bio data of the person I have and pictures , right , they don't even want to jump on a free call with us . They don't like I'll say , okay , I have somebody that's around the same age , that has a well-paying job , he's , uh , you know , a citizen , blah , blah , blah and they just , they just want to see a picture and they just want to know the person's occupation and they want to .

Speaker 2 13:37

It's it's like the , the older generation version of swiping . They just want to swipe , right like our generation has our version of swiping and our parents have their own version of swiping , and it's sad .

Speaker 1 13:50

I think we're rubbing off on our parents .

Speaker 2 13:53

Maybe . So yeah , too many options results into window shopping or people just having fun .

Speaker 1 13:59

Honestly . It's very simple Just commit to the process . Know your values . Know what you need as opposed to what you want . Be realistic , have some level of compromise .

Speaker 2 14:14

Of flexibility .

Speaker 1 14:15

Flexibility , I would say and yeah , you just got to put in the work . It's not going to be easy , nobody said it's going to be easy . The moment you start looking , you'll find the right person , right .

Speaker 2 14:26

But is anything ?

Speaker 1 14:27

that's worth it in life easy .

Speaker 2 14:32

Super easy . Remember , the process itself is simple . Staying married is hard , but getting married is simple . It does take time , but the process itself . If you are clear on your values , you're clear on your deal breakers , all the things that we've talked about in previous episodes . Once you're clear on those things and you use those things as your guiding compass , inshallah , your path to marriage will be easier .

Speaker 1 14:54

Until next time , assalamu alaikum .