Diary of a Matchmaker
Getting married is tough for the vast majority of Muslims in the West. We know because we’ve been there. My (Zaid) journey spanned nearly nine years. It was filled with rejections and self-doubt. While I (Hiba) didn't know there was a journey to be on in the first place. After we got married we decided to create something different to help single Muslims complete their deen. And so our matchmaking service Halal Match was born.
After a few years of interviewing singles, a friend suggested we journal our stories. We tweaked that idea and turned it into a podcast. In ‘Diary of a Matchmaker’ we’ll take you through this unfamiliar world of matchmaking. We’ll share our stories, experiences, and much more. So say Bismillah and tune in.
Do you have a story to share? Email us at: info@halalmatch.ca
Diary of a Matchmaker
Status Over Substance: The Dark Side of Biodatas
What if a simple piece of paper could dictate the course of your life's most personal decision? Today we unravel the world of Biodatas, questioning whether this 'marriage resume' truly captures the essence of a person or merely reflects outdated societal norms. From personal stories of arranged marriage proposals to the cultural expectations that surround them, we shed light on the double standards and frustrations that come with being judged by family prestige and hierarchical status.
If you have a story to share, we'd love to have you on the podcast. Send us an email with a summary of your story at: info@halalmatch.ca
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba. And I'm Zaid, you're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2:A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.
Speaker 1:We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.
Speaker 2:So let's dive in Bismillah.
Speaker 1:So, son, I joined this WhatsApp group. There are a lot of biodatas there. Go through them and maybe we can find someone.
Speaker 2:There are a lot of biodatas there.
Speaker 1:Go through them and maybe we can find someone.
Speaker 2:Okay, I kind of like this one. She's 5'2", she's 31 years old, has an arts degree.
Speaker 1:When does she plan to have children at 40?
Speaker 2:Next one Okay, so this one is 23. She's 5'2", lives in Toronto, is a Canadian citizen, father's a cab driver. What citizen?
Speaker 1:father's a cab driver.
Speaker 2:What uh father's a cab driver okay, I guess no comment.
Speaker 1:Next one please okay.
Speaker 2:So this one's 24. She dresses modestly, wears hijab. She's 5'4, born and raised in south dakota, has a degree in public policy, father is an engineer, mother is a finance professional. What do you think?
Speaker 1:I wonder what their lineage is, but I think we can work with that. Okay, we'll think about it. Inshallah.
Speaker 2:So, if you guys haven't figured it out yet, first of all, assalamu alaikum, welcome to another episode of Diary of a Matchmaker. Of course, I am Zaid and my co-host here is Hiba, assalamualaikum. So in case you guys haven't figured it out yet, we are discussing biodatas.
Speaker 1:Yay.
Speaker 2:And the fun world of biodatas. I'm actually surprised we haven't done an episode on this yet, because this is such an integral part of the matchmaking process when it comes to the Desi community. If you don't have a biodata, then good luck. That's pretty much how it works. Even I at some point, with much reluctance and hesitation, I ended up making a biodata.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I just had to give in because I was getting older and it was just becoming difficult to get matches without a biodata.
Speaker 1:So how did your biodata look?
Speaker 2:I think I still got it floating around somewhere, but yeah, it was what my degree was. How did your biodata look? I think I still got it floating around somewhere, but yeah, it was what my degree was. I wasn't dishonest or anything. I was pretty clear about what I was looking for. I didn't put too much about my parents or siblings, like you see in typical biodatas, and I think I did pass it around to a few potential matches. But, needless to say, it didn't work out out for me. It didn't really help me at all, so I abandoned it and just tried matrimonial websites wow.
Speaker 1:Well, being an arab person, this is. We don't have this concept honestly and um. To me it sounds very strange and I don't know if I should say degrading some level.
Speaker 1:It can be Like I was going through some bio datas on actual WhatsApp group and it's amazing what people put on there Like, for example, what does the father's education has to do with anything, what does a mother's education have to do with anything, and siblings and which universities they went to and what they do. Where the father is born and brought up. Where the mother is born and brought up like who's getting looking to get married, the person or their father or mother, like I think what people are looking for is an insight to the family dynamic this doesn't give any information about family dynamics.
Speaker 1:It just gives an impression about the status of the family.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that too. I'm not going to deny that part.
Speaker 1:Honestly, it just boils my blood. We're looking for somebody who comes from a well-educated family. What does that have to do with anything? It's like I've said before education is just another word for status like I get, because you could say if you're looking for education, you could say we're looking for somebody who's educated but not comes from a well-educated family. Like you're not marrying the family. Like what if the father is actually a cab driver? Does that take away from your prestige and your respect in society?
Speaker 2:It is very much kind of a hierarchical system, right when at the top of the pyramid you got your doctors, engineers, lawyers, your six-figure earners, etc. Etc. In the middle you got your educated professionals, but they're not in the six-figure category, and at the bottom it's like people with a high school diploma or maybe a college certificate and uh, the people that those are the people are going to struggle.
Speaker 2:So that's unfortunately how bio datas work, um, but I mean I don't know, some people have had luck with bio datas, so I mean I couldn't completely dismiss it but I'm talking honestly about the concept itself.
Speaker 1:like just because it's been successful for some people, it doesn't mean that it's. Or maybe it's because I'm an outsider and just looking from the outside, I don't know Well why don't we dissect what a biodata is for people who don't know? Oh, that's a good point. I should have started with that.
Speaker 2:Because I'm assuming we have a lot of non-DAC listeners. So, what biodatas are. They are essentially a marriage resume and it's more than just what you know, what your background is, what you're looking for. It's more like a family background of what your father does, what your mother does, how many siblings you have, where you're from, where you were raised, Sometimes specifically as to the area that you're from in India or Pakistan. Sometimes your lineage is also mentioned on the marriage resume.
Speaker 1:Legal status as well.
Speaker 2:Legal status, and then, of course, your degree, your occupation, sometimes even income is put on the bio data.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:And, of course, what you're looking for. So hiba and I were hiba was previously on this whatsapp group that has bio datas. Now I'm kind of checking in on this group and I'm learning a lot about my culture and is cementing a lot of things. Uh, that I felt about my culture. The one thing that I see over, over and over again that is just very much consistent, is the mother's contact information.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, right.
Speaker 2:Sometimes you see the father's contact information, but the mother's contact info is always there, as if the and you just said this word too, as if the girl is mute, right, like, the girl is incapable of communicating, or the guy, in fact, is incapable of communicating. Assessing compatibility, um like, is it not haram for a girl to reach out to someone for marriage? Right, given that she's doing it through the appropriate means and channels? There's nothing, nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if you're interested, contact the mother on her phone number. But you know it's even worse when it's a guy. If you're interested, contact the father or the mother when it's a guy who's looking like come on, that shows your lack of maturity and independence.
Speaker 2:It really does, and also is an indication of whether or not you're serious like.
Speaker 1:For example, there was this one biodata with information, of course, about each family member and the fact that the brother is a hafiz, and I'm like what does that have to do with anything? Yeah are you trying to impress or are you genuinely looking for somebody who's compatible with your daughter?
Speaker 2:I don't know, maybe that gives some sort of indication that it's a religious family not necessarily no, no, not necessarily.
Speaker 1:How many people attend like the mosque every day and they do hifid and stuff, but they're awful people to work with and also you don't have to include everything in a biodata you can like these things can be learned in the first meeting when the family start talking to each other, but it's like but why invest the time into the meeting?
Speaker 2:Why not just like swipe, swipe, swipe through the biodata.
Speaker 1:So the fact that a brother is a hafiz, would make somebody decide, oh, this person is good for me and or this person is not good for me, like what does? Or it's just trying to impress. Trying to impress, like I think some people. They confuse bio data with a resume. Like you said, like when you are applying for a job, you're trying to impress Mention, every little qualification, every little experience you have, like any skills you have that might help you get the job right.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but it's different, like we're talking about human beings.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like living with someone is much different than employing someone. Needless to say, with someone is much different than employing someone. Needless to say, if you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't know where to seek help, let us help you. We can be your personal matchmakers. Visit us at halalmatchca and book a free call with us.
Speaker 2:Yeah, another funny thing that we were just talking about before we started recording was how we always see that the person has to have a balance between Deen and Dunya, and it's just it's. The phrasing of that statement is so interesting to me Because it feels like you know somebody that is too focused on the deen is a monk. Like they live in a cave, they have no concept of the dunya, they lack social skills, they don't know how to make a livelihood, when, historically speaking, this is not like how Islam was practiced, right. I mean, we can go through a list of millions of examples of muslim scholars that were also inventors, that came up with things like algebra and things like that, but I just don't understand this no, I'm actually trying to picture it like a guy going through this oh, balance between you and no, I don't have a balance between you and dunya I'm just too dean like no, I'm too dunya.
Speaker 1:Like what information does the statement deliver?
Speaker 2:nothing I think what they really want to know is whether or not this person is super liberal or super conservative or are they moderate?
Speaker 1:that's what they're really looking for, if you think about it. So if someone's super uh, conservative, they're gonna see this and say that no, I don't have a balance like the word balance like the word balance itself. Like is somebody gonna read the word balance and decide, no, I don't have balance, I'm imbalanced. Like there's something wrong with the phrasing itself.
Speaker 2:Right and the interesting thing is is that liberals will always think they're balanced and conservatives will always think they're balanced too. Yeah, exactly, so nobody yeah further adding to your point yeah, nobody's going to think they're in balance.
Speaker 1:Actually subhanAllah, islam itself. Allah calls it deen al-wasata right.
Speaker 2:Like it's a middle. Look at that, he's Right. Like it's a middle, ummat Anwasata yeah.
Speaker 1:So if you're following the deen, you're already balanced.
Speaker 2:Exactly, yeah, exactly. But we see people that are super liberals, super conservative and they are, quote unquote, imbalanced.
Speaker 1:Super liberals aren't gonna be Searching in WhatsApp groups. They're gonna be searching in clubs and bars.
Speaker 2:Exactly right, true.
Speaker 1:So you've been that route for a long time before we got married. Tell me a story that stands out to you, that you can still remember to this day.
Speaker 2:So there was this one instance where my grandmother called actually my grandmother's sister called me. My grandmother called actually my grandmother's sister called me and it was one of those really weird occasions where I had a few missed calls and then a voicemail and I thought it was something urgent. I thought somebody died or something else happened. So I called her back and she said a family friend contacted her regarding a proposal and that they were having a lot of trouble and they were seeking her help. So she suggested me and I said OK. And it turns out I actually knew this family friend and I went to school with her. Really, yes, I went to elementary school with her and I knew she was a really like a really smart girl, like a super achiever. So, um, I said okay, um, but my, my grandmother's sister, she kept insisting that I contact the family instead of them contacting me, which seems strange because they're interested in me. So why not call me right? So that was the first red.
Speaker 2:So I was very resistant at first because I knew this would be a complete waste of time. I knew they were probably looking for somebody who was also a super achiever, who was very much accomplished, probably a medical professional or something. So I told my parents and my parents were like, why not just do it and see what happens? So, with much reluctance, I did end up contacting the father and I introduced myself.
Speaker 2:I said I got your information from my auntie, from my great aunt, and I started asking questions about, um, about her, and uh, he very quickly uh kind of turned the conversation about me. So basic questions you know my, my degree, my parents, my immigration status, nothing that I was foreign to. And he just kept going through his list of questions. And then he wanted to end the call and say, okay, we'll get back to you. But I wasn't going to give up, I wasn't going to let that happen. So I said, so, yeah, he wanted to end the call by saying, um, why don't you send me a picture and bio data of your, of yourself, and then we'll take it from there?
Speaker 2:and he barely provided information about his barely provided any information even though there were the ones who were interested yes, um, and I also did a google search of this girl and it turned out she's an orthopedic surgeon working for a private clinic earning insane money, and so I didn't let that go. So I didn't let the call end and I told the uncle, respectfully of course, I'd like to see your daughter's bio data and I'd like to see her picture too. Right, I mean, usually this is very most in most situations you don't do that. It's very unconventional.
Speaker 2:You don't ask for the girl's picture really yeah, you just don't okay, like a guy should not be asking for the girl's picture, like if the parents are giving it willingly, then you consider that a blessing, basically really yeah, you like you, just don't ask why the double standard?
Speaker 2:it's a huge double standard. So, um, I said, you know, I'd like to see that. And he was kind of taken aback by that I could tell from the tone of his voice and um, and then he doubled down and he said, uh, well, I'll talk to my wife first, and first we have to see your information and see your picture, and then we'll let you know.
Speaker 1:What about the girl herself? It's the father calling, talking. He's going to talk to his wife. Where is the girl in the picture?
Speaker 2:I'm assuming he's going to talk to his daughter. I mean, I can give him the benefit of the doubt on that. So I ended the call. I talked to my parents. I said you know, first my initial reaction was hell, no, no way am I going to even send this bio data. I felt disrespected on the call. This is a complete waste of time. And my dad suggested you know, just do it, just see what happens, just see. And my mom I think my mom said the same thing. So I think I had a bio data laying around. I kind of made some tweaks on it and I sent it to him along with my picture, and I knew deep down that I was not going to get a response.
Speaker 2:and I never did you should have put your foot down and never sent your bio data I guess, um, but it was a good learning experience and it just cemented everything that I was feeling about the Desi community, about bio data, that you know you're judged on a piece of paper.
Speaker 1:You know, as we were going through these bio datas and WhatsApp group, I'm like no wonder people are struggling to get married because they're being judged based on just a few lines, and sometimes they're being judged not based on their personality, or they're being judged based on, I don't know, their father's profession or their height or like. This degrades the person.
Speaker 2:I think the bigger problem and where this epidemic is really stemming from the fact that people aren't putting in the work.
Speaker 2:You know the fact that and this is a clear example of that, and I talk about this in the workshop when parents take the lead in this, they are applying their own generational mindset right the practice of how it was done back when they got married and this is how it was done right, biodatas, people in the local community, the village, mom and dad found somebody for them and it worked great for that generation. And guys and girls aren't putting in the work, they're putting the responsibility on their parents and, as a result, parents are doing it the way that it was done back then. So the problem isn't necessarily the parents. I think it's more the people that are looking to get married.
Speaker 2:And chances are and I have a strong feeling this is true, and I think you've mentioned this before that probably some of these guys and girls don't even know their parents are looking yeah, we hear it from clients all the time.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, I think my mom is looking, but like they're not involved, yeah, yeah like I know my mom's looking, or sometimes, yeah, like girls don't even know their mom's looking. They could be 21, 22 and then're going to just say I got somebody for you. You're getting married next week and, by the way, I work with somebody where that situation kind of happened.
Speaker 1:Wow yeah A forced marriage.
Speaker 2:It wasn't a forced marriage. But you know, the girl got a random call saying oh, I found somebody for you in Pakistan. I need you to fly out to Pakistan and meet the guy. So she didn't meet the guy. She said she liked him. So it wasn't a forced marriage or anything but um, but there was like no, like long-term courting or assessment or anything like that it was just like yeah, I like this guy.
Speaker 1:He seems attractive, let's make it happen hey, if you have a story to tell, we'd love to have you on here. You'll find a safe space of listeners who can understand what you're going through. So a question yeah, how are biodatas different from profiles on matrimonial websites? Because somebody could say you're bashing biodatas. Well, profiles are just the same.
Speaker 2:That's a good question, if I was. So the point is that, at the end of the day, you do need some sort of concrete information about the person, right? You can't just say, oh, I'm a kind person, let's try to make this work. Um, so, number one, bio datas. The emphasis is, like you just said, on occupation. It's um, you know? You, you're talking a lot about what the parents do, what their background is status in general right.
Speaker 2:Bio datas have a lot more to do with status, unfortunately. That's just the honest truth. A matrimonial profiles if it's done the right way, um, and if there is a personality component to it, like on hod, for example, then you're getting a better picture and understanding of the whole person not just one aspect of the person right yeah, you're not just finding out what their degree is, what their occupation is, what their parents do, where they were born, all of that stuff.
Speaker 2:That stuff is just trivial, all right, that doesn't lead into compatibility. So, yeah, it's. There's a huge difference, uh, between a good matrimonial profile and especially if you're taking the time to invest in it and you're sharing what your strengths are. I mean, at the most, on a bio data, people will say what their hobbies are.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I saw that right.
Speaker 2:But there's no indication as to how they're different from the other bio data right, everybody loves to travel everybody loves food, everybody loves to go to the gym. I mean, that's so generic now.
Speaker 1:Nobody loves to go to the gym we just go well we don't love to go. Yeah, you get what I mean.
Speaker 2:So there's no like distinguishing factor from one biodata to another. They all just kind of seem the same to me, actually, the only difference in age and occupation.
Speaker 1:Actually they are like filling. So I notice like, for example, marital status single, never married. Previous marriages, if applicable no. Children, previous children if applicable no. So it feels like they're just filling in the blank. That's true.
Speaker 2:Actually the admin for the WhatsApp group. He said please use this template. So there is a template that you are supposed to use for this group?
Speaker 2:wow, so I don't know. I mean, I could go on and on for days about this. You know, if you are a guy or a girl looking to get married you've said this in previous episodes and we'll say it until the day we die you got to put in the work. You cannot put the responsibility on your parents. Okay, it's very important that if you want to separate yourself from the herd, if you want to see people, if you want people to see you in a different light, then take the time to show how you're different, what your strengths are, what not necessarily what you like or enjoy, but why you like those things. Right, what are you truly, deeply passionate about?
Speaker 1:What are your plans for the future? What are your plans?
Speaker 2:for the future. How, if you're a man, how do you demonstrate yourself to be a leader, right as somebody who's financially mature and independent, and a caretaker?
Speaker 2:if you're a woman, how can you demonstrate that you are supportive and nurturing nurturing and that you're going to, you know, take care of the home while your husband is gone for work. These important things like highlight those things, because using a bio data or, you know, just copy and pasting some sort of template online isn't going to address these things so, even if you want to do a bio data and share it on whatsapp groups, make your one a, make your bio data different.
Speaker 1:You don't have to abide by the template and by the rules.
Speaker 2:You can make your biodata very different yeah, make it more like a matrimonial profile, right? So don't even call it biodata, just whatever term you want to use. Call it a matrimonial profile biodata. Call it a bottle, okay, just demonstrate what you bring to the table and what your strengths are, and all the other things I just previously mentioned.
Speaker 1:And make the focus you, not your family members.
Speaker 2:Yeah exactly, all right. Inshallah till next time, then. Yeah, all right.
Speaker 1:Assalamu alaikum.