Diary of a Matchmaker
Getting married is tough for the vast majority of Muslims in the West. We know because we’ve been there. My (Zaid) journey spanned nearly nine years. It was filled with rejections and self-doubt. While I (Hiba) didn't know there was a journey to be on in the first place. After we got married we decided to create something different to help single Muslims complete their deen. And so our matchmaking service Halal Match was born.
After a few years of interviewing singles, a friend suggested we journal our stories. We tweaked that idea and turned it into a podcast. In ‘Diary of a Matchmaker’ we’ll take you through this unfamiliar world of matchmaking. We’ll share our stories, experiences, and much more. So say Bismillah and tune in.
Do you have a story to share? Email us at: info@halalmatch.ca
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Diary of a Matchmaker
Emotional Intelligence Decoded w/ Imam Navaid Aziz
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Unlock the secrets of forming successful relationships as we bring you an exciting conversation with the esteemed Imam Navaid Aziz. Together, we explore the intricate dynamics of emotional intelligence in relationship matching.
This episode promises to provide valuable insights into recognizing emotional intelligence in a potential spouse, a key determinant in nurturing loving connections.
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Emotional Intelligence in Relationship Matching
Speaker 1Assalamu alaikum , I'm Hiba . And I'm Zaid , you're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker .
Speaker 2A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers .
Speaker 1We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim .
Speaker 2So let's dive in . Bismillah . Assalamu alaikum everyone . This is Zaid , and on the other mic is my wife and co-host , hiba , and we're also honored to have our guest here , sheikh Naveed . Just a quick intro of Sheikh Naveed . He is a Canadian Imam with a background in Islamic studies from Medina University , where he completed an associate's degree in the Arabic language and a bachelor's in Islamic law . He is an imam for Islamic Information Society of Calgary and also the director of public relations at Al-Maghrib Institute . I hope I got the introduction correct , sheikh .
Speaker 3Introduction was great . Just a small touch up on the pronunciation Naveed , not Naveed . Naveed , naveed . Okay , gotcha .
Speaker 1I was wondering about the A , the extra A .
Speaker 3No worries , no worries , all good , all good .
Speaker 1Welcome , Sheikh . Thank you for accepting our invitation .
Speaker 3No . Jazakum Allah Khairan for having me . It's an absolute honor and pleasure to be in your company today .
Speaker 1Thank you .
Speaker 3Thank you .
Speaker 2So we took some time to go through a lot of your content and the one thing that really stood out to us was your lengthy um youtube series on emotional intelligence , which is something that , um , I feel isn't really touched upon um much when it comes to uh topics in um regarding islam and uh and islamic history . So I just want to and Islamic history , so I just want to kind of dive into that right now . So what is emotional intelligence from an Islamic perspective , excellent .
Speaker 3So emotional intelligence basically consists of four things . It's understanding your own emotional state , what triggered it , how you can change it , and then how you can utilize this information to basically improve your relationship with whoever you're interested in improving your relationship in , and you counter that information as well . So what is their current emotional state , what are their triggers , what are you trying to get to ? And then how do you use that information to create a goal within the relationship . So that's how I understand emotional intelligence from a relationship standpoint . From an Islamic standpoint , it's how do you use this information of emotions to get people to where they need to be in the relationship with Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , in their personal goals and ambitions , but , most importantly , to make Jannah their ultimate motivation .
Speaker 2So that's interesting , you frame it that way . So how can we apply that same sort of framework when we're talking about searching for a potential spouse ?
Speaker 3Excellent . So when we're talking about searching for a potential spouse , you know we always talk about what are the red flags that you should be looking for . So I would flip the script and say if you can understand what emotional intelligence is , then try to identify where is the individual that you're engaging with ? With regards to emotional intelligence , if they have a lot of work to do , I would personally consider that a red flag . Up and until they do that work , I always tell people don't go into a relationship thinking that you have the ability to change people .
Speaker 3There's a reason why Allah , subh'anahu Wa Ta-A'la , tells us about the father of Ibrahim Alayhi Salaam , the son of Nuh Alayhi Salaam , the wife of Lut Alayhi Salaam , because you don't want to go into a situation where you have to change a person . If any change should take place , number one , it should be self-initiated and that process should have made drastic progress before the relationship is official , right , and if that takes place , then , bismillah , move forward . But if the person's like you know what I'll change after marriage . People don't change in the way that you anticipate and expect them to change after marriage . So I think if you're able to identify emotional intelligence and what a lack thereof looks like . I would consider that a major red flag in the courting process .
Speaker 1SubhanAllah . This reminds me of something Sheikh Mahad from Sohba Institute always says don't marry potential , marry reality .
Speaker 3Oh 100% .
Speaker 1You don't want to , like you said , you don't want to marry someone with the condition that they might change right .
Speaker 3Exactly exactly .
Speaker 2Yeah , it's interesting because when I first think about emotional intelligence , the main thing I think of is empathy . Right ? Does this person have some degree of empathy ? Can they , you know , put themselves in another person's shoes ? But of course , it's much deeper than that , as you just explained here .
Speaker 3A hundred percent . I always like to give this example of how men and women deal with stress , and I know this is like a gross generalization , but a husband comes home from work and he's really stressed out and the wife is like you know what , let me sit him down and let's talk about his feelings . She's like tell me about your feelings and the husband's like pulling his hair out . How do I get ?
Speaker 2out of this situation , and then you flip the script .
Speaker 3Husband comes home and the wife is really stressed out and he's like you know what , when I'm stressed out , I like to be left alone to process my emotions . So let me leave her alone to process her emotions and she's like what type of inconsiderate husband did I marry ? He doesn't even care that I'm upset , right ? So this level of emotional intelligence , at the most basic level , of how we understand stress and deal with stress , can really help mitigate any misunderstandings in relationships .
Speaker 2Right Also understanding how different genders operate 100% psychologically , of course , yeah .
Speaker 1So the secret word here , sheikh , is what you said to identify emotional intelligence . Now that's the big question how to do that .
Speaker 3Yeah , I mean , identifying emotional intelligence can be pretty tricky , but I would say a lot of it starts with your own self-awareness , right ? So are you self-aware in terms of your emotional states and what triggers you , and then how to improve your emotional states ? It starts with that , and once you get a habit of identifying your own emotional states and your own triggers , then you're able to identify , you know how people respond to certain things , what their emotional states are , what their triggers are and what you're trying to do . Number two you know , I think Zaid hit the nail on the head . Oftentimes we affiliate emotional intelligence with empathy and there is a strong correlation there . But that's the second thing that I would look at is how empathetic are they ? Right ? Like one of the least attractable and desirable things that you can see in a person is you share something very sensitive and very intimate , but they just brush it off as if you know what ? It's , not a big deal , right ? So a person should be able to recognize when you are being vulnerable and you have shared something sensitive and they respond appropriately . And if you don't want to do that right away and they respond appropriately . And if you don't want to do that right away , even start off with something greater , like start off with a situation in Gaza . How do you feel about it ? Right ? And if a person just continues to be on their phone as you're talking about Gaza , you know it would be a major red flag , right ? So you can assess a level of empathy .
Speaker 3Number three is I would actually ask them how do you navigate through difficult situations , right ? So , imagine , ask them how do you navigate through difficult situations , right ? So imagine you have an employer that just does not appreciate the work that you do . How would you respond to it ? Or if you have an employee that works under you that is constantly on their phone , they're late for meetings and not attending , how do you address this in a difficult situation ? And see , you know what they actually say ? To that , because I , eventually , what you want to identify is have they communicated their expectations ? Are they setting people up for success ? Have they given them the tools that they need to succeed ? And if they're expressing similar language , then the conversation is going the right way , but if it isn't , then there's a problem that needs to be identified . So , through conversation , understanding how they navigate through conflict , seeing how they are in group settings , seeing how they are in stressful situations . These are great ways to identify how emotionally intelligent people are .
Speaker 1It seems that this is strongly connected to compatibility and assessing compatibility between two suitors right .
Speaker 3I mean , I would say , like I said , if we can identify it as a red flag , then you can make that a part of compatibility . But I think it goes much , much deeper than that . It's identifying a person that genuinely wants to have deep , meaningful connections and relationships . Whether you get married to this person or not , you know , is almost irrelevant , right ? How much work is this person willing to put into their relationships in general as a whole ? Yeah , so much deeper than that .
Speaker 2My next question was in regards to emotional intelligence . It obviously it goes much deeper than that , but can you give some examples of how we can assess that during the courting phase , Because obviously we don't have the luxury of spending time with them ? You know , understanding what their triggers are , how they handle stress , but there are ways to assess that during , you know , the courting phase . So anything you can say on that Can .
Speaker 3I return the question to you and start off with who says we don't have the ability to do this in the courting phase , Because I think there are a lot of misconceptions in terms of what's allowed and what's not allowed in the courting phase . Right , so the general prohibition still apply there shouldn't be any physical touch , you shouldn't be alone with the other person . But everything else is pretty much allowed as long as you have the Wali's permission , right ?
Assessing Compatibility in Modern Relationships
Speaker 3So , with that being said , to assess a stressful situation that could be in a conversation being said , to assess a stressful situation that could be in a conversation , that could be , you know , presenting them a puzzle and you're like , hey , there's this thousand piece puzzle , let's try to build this together and then see how they respond to that . So that's a great way to assess .
Speaker 3And then , number two , when you go out for your meetings , you know , try to change it up . Maybe not always have it at someone's house , but try to meet up at , like , a really crowded coffee shop where you know the service is going to be slow and the customer service is not that great . How is this person going to respond to that ? Right , you know , one of the greatest tests , and it's not always possible to figure this out , but if you can do this is go to an area where there's a dead spot on your internet connection and then see how they respond to a dead spot to their internet connection , Like when people don't have connectivity , you know . It really shows how frustrated they get and how they deal with their frustration . So I would say I don't think the assumption is fair that we don't have the ability to assess these things , but I just think we need to be a lot more creative as to how we assess them assess these things , but I just think we need to be a lot more creative as to how we assess them .
Speaker 1Actually , a tip for the girls if you want to see how patient he is , test him when he's hungry .
Speaker 3Oh God , Almost no man is going to pass that .
Speaker 2Almost no man is going to pass that . Oh man , yeah . If you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't know where to seek help , let us help you . We can be your personal matchmakers . Visit us at halalmatchca and book a free call with us .
Speaker 1Yeah , but you know , Sheikh , I'm really glad you touched on this topic of courting according to the deen , what's allowed , what's not allowed Because I feel there's like a big misunderstanding about it . Sometimes it might result in people getting married before they are able to fully assess compatibility . So I don't know , maybe , if you want to talk a little bit about this or if we should like postpone it to another conversation , whatever you feel comfortable .
Speaker 3I mean , I can have a basic generic conversation and if you feel that there's a desire from your audience , later on we can come back and discuss it in more detail . I would suggest the first thing that we need to do , uh is , number one is identify some level of attraction , right ? So you've seen the other person . Is this person you know desirable to you ? At the very least , they shouldn't be reprehensible to you , right ? That's like the baseline that you should have . Number two is assessing compatibility , and assessing compatibility would function in two key ways . Number one is learning how to ask questions , and I feel a lot of times people haven't learned how to do this . So , as human beings , we naturally are people pleasers . So if you ask someone , do you pray five times a day , even though they may not be doing so right now and it's not an accusation of lying , just the human weakness of people pleasing they're going to say yes because they know that is what you want to hear . So a way to reframe a question like this is hey , can you please tell me what your day at the office looks like , like hour by hour ? How would you spend it ? And then , when the time for Dhuhr comes , see what they're doing at that time . Right , if they're saying that , yeah , you know , I'm going to take a break to go pray Dhuhr and then come back , very positive sign . If they completely skip over it , then that's something that you can identify a further conversation in that you can ask a second follow-up question that imagine both you and I we go out to the park one day and we're strolling , and in the winter time , you know , salah times are very close . What are we going to do for Salah at that time ? And pose like a question like that , rather than asking do you pray five times a day ?
Speaker 3Which brings me to the second component , which is actually coming up with a series of topics to identify compatibility . And this is where I think a lot of self-work needs to be done , where you need to understand what your values are , what are important to you , what are non-negotiables to you , and then frame them as questions , right ? So , starting off with the Dean , what is important to you , what is not negotiable to you ? Talking about the issue of kids , talking about the issue of finances , talking about the role of in-laws and family , talking about health , talking about hobbies and pastimes , talking about friends , talking about expectations from one another , talking about things that annoy one another and are pet peeves . Those are all important conversations to have as a part of the compatibility assessment . So once you had a better understanding of who you are , then you can start posing questions in that way .
Speaker 3And again , the emphasis on try to avoid coming up with questions where the other person can anticipate what you want to hear and then also be creative in creating scenarios where there is no right answer . I took this from Bab Ali , where he taught me asking a question , are you more merciful or are you more just ? Like what is the right answer over here ? Right ? And I think the way at least a lot of men frame it , because I've asked a lot of men this they're like justice is more important . Then I always respond do you want Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la to be just with you or merciful with you , right ? And then all of a sudden they're like oh my God , you're right , mercy is more important than that .
Speaker 3And then , similarly , I see the opposite with women . When you ask this question , they're like mercy is more important . But I was like do you always want people to take advantage of you ? Then , like , if there's no justice , that's what's gonna end up happening , right ? So then a light bulb goes on in their heads . So that's you know how I would assess the questioning and assessing compatibility , and then doing this in safe spaces , so ideally in your own homes , where people have access to the room but you still have a level of privacy . And then , as you get more comfortable , you know , meeting in public spaces and seeing how people interact with you know the challenges that we spoke about earlier on .
Speaker 1Wonderful . Thank you so much .
Speaker 2No problem , inshallah . In your experience , what ? And I'm assuming you come across a lot of cases where , there you know , couples reach out to you regarding disputes and other conflicts . So what is the number one cause for the increasing rate of divorce in your Muslim community ? There , would you say .
Speaker 3You know , I've thought about this a lot and I don't know if I can identify one issue , but I would say , more recently , what I've seen is when there's a breach of trust and safety in the relationship , and this is happening after like 20 , 25 years of marriage , and you're like man , subhanallah . How is this happening ? Like you would anticipate , most marriages , most divorces , take place within the first five years , but now we're seeing this surge of divorces that are taking place after like 20 , 25 plus years of marriage , and my assessment of those situations is you know , there were incidents that happened where a person no longer felt safe and no longer felt they could trust their partner anymore and then that led to a slippery slope of breakdown in communication and thus the relationship eventually breaks down after that . So I would say that is like a more reoccurring theme . But if we were to go back to the traditional framework of within the first five years , I would say oftentimes is they just hurried too much into it and didn't realize how incompatible they were when they got married ?
Speaker 2Yes , subhanallah , we say the same thing in our workshops too that after speaking to so many clients and the people that we interview that are divorced , 99% of the cases is just simply due to incompatibility . But people somehow just associate divorce with abuse , with neglect and things like that . But that's not always the case , yeah yeah , yeah , subhanallah .
Speaker 3May Allah make it easy . Ameen , ameen .
Speaker 1What about financial compatibility ? Is there such thing or no ?
Speaker 3Yeah , 100% . I think there have to be so many conversations around compatibility and I'm not sure if this is like a taboo thing to say on your podcast please forgive me , it is but I would suggest that couples in this day and age should actively pursue prenuptial agreements right now . All of this conflict at the time of divorce could be avoided if we just spent time at the beginning of the marriage to have a prenuptial agreement . And a lot of people may be worried does Islam actually allow prenuptial agreements ? And the answer is yes , as long as the prenuptial agreements are about you and your spouse and not about the kids . Like , there's no negotiation of prenuptial agreements with regards to kids in Islam , but with regards to what you're entitled to and how you can protect yourself and your assets , you're definitely allowed to negotiate all of that in advance . So I would say that is an important conversation to have before marriage and that will actually help you understand are you financially compatible or not . So financial compatibility in a relationship would be like starting off with a basic question is the expectation that the wife should work or not ? So in this day and age , a lot of women are going to school , they are working . So is the expectation that she will be allowed to do so and she can do so and then kind of start from there . Number two is okay , if she is allowed to work and she is working , is she expected to contribute to the household expenses ? And this is where I think a traditional understanding is important Islamically , the man is responsible for everything that is deemed a necessity , predominantly food , clothing and shelter . But understanding that housing is getting so expensive in our day and age , a single income household can no longer sustain itself . So now , in this situation when a single income household can no longer sustain itself , so now , in this situation when a single income household can no longer sustain itself , is the wife expected to contribute ? And if she is expected to contribute , how is this going to work ? Is this coming out of her own generosity , or is this a debt that the husband has to pay back ? Or is it offset by equity in the house , like what is the arrangement ? So I think having those discussions are very , very important .
Speaker 3Number three , and this is where I think financial literacy is important what are we saving up our money for Hajj ? Buying a house ? Where do we stand on taking a mortgage ? All of those things are important conversations . How are we going to invest our money right In the stock market , in cryptocurrency , buying real estate ? These are very , very important questions to think about , right .
Speaker 3And then , what is our strategy for budget and saving ? Perhaps that should have come earlier on , but you know , can we afford to buy thousand dollar shoes and bags , and you know , ten thousand dollar watches for men ? And you know seventy thousand dollar sports cars ? Like , how is this going to work ? What are we going to be spending our money on ? What are we not going to be spending our money on ? And that's a conversation on budgeting and saving .
Speaker 3So those are all important things to look at as we talk about financial compatibility , and oftentimes you know , you have someone that is very , very thrifty and then you have someone that is the exact opposite , that is just like the free spender . When they come together , it's a recipe for disaster , because the thrifty person is looking at their credit card statement and they're like we could have gotten rid of this , we could have gotten this , we could have gotten rid of this . Why are you spending so much money ? Where the person is like just spending , they're like , yeah , allah's given us so much and he'll give us more , we can continue to spend right um . So understanding where you stand , stand on your relationship with money is very , very important that's interesting .
Speaker 2you , you mentioned that example because what we see over and over again , especially with girls , is is that they to an extent take things to an extreme where they say you know it's the guy's responsibility to maintain and provide and if there is a need to work and contribute then I'll contribute . But you know that's just taking things out of context and it's not taking into consideration that , like you said , you know that's just taking things out of context and it's not taking into consideration that , like you said , you know cost of living is so high , things are just so expensive nowadays . So what would you say to a girl that kind of approaches marriage with that type of mindset ?
Speaker 3I would say , with that type of mindset , it is possible that your marriage may survive , but it definitely won't thrive .
Importance of Generosity and Financial Planning
Speaker 3Right ? One of the most important characteristics that we can have as human beings is being generous , and generosity is not about financial generosity alone . Being generous with your time , being generous with your words , being generous with your thoughts and this sort of frame of mind is showing that this person is not generous with their thoughts , not generous with their words , not generous with their times , let alone the finances . So I would say understand it like this where a man will do what he has to provide for his family out of the pride that he has , because he understands it's his responsibility .
Speaker 3With that sort of stress understand when a person is constantly stressed , it's very difficult for a relationship to thrive . Number two is that he may be able to pay for your expenses , but you know for a fact that you want to go on vacation somewhere nice once every year , once every two years . He's not going to be able to afford that . So if you still want to be able to go on those vacations , understand that you may have to contribute , but reframe it that you know what . I'm taking my spouse and my family on this vacation . One , it's going to be an act of ajr and generosity for me . And number two , it's going to actually make the family tighter and stronger . And number three , it's going to offset stress that my spouse is feeling so that we can , you know , have more calm time at home that is less stressful , because finance is definitely one of the main stress points in relationships in this day and age .
Speaker 1SubhanAllah . Sometimes people's understanding of the deen , and especially fiqh , is like black or white and like , for example , the other day we were talking to a very lovely girl and she mentioned that right now she's not thinking of working , but if she would work then she would contribute her , she would allocate her salary to support the community instead of family or her house . So what would you say to someone Like because Islamically , Sharia wise , it's not haram , right ?
Speaker 3But Well , I mean , I would say , under the general pretext of the husband not struggling . You're right , it is halal and she's allowed to do so . But I would look at this from a seerah perspective , and even a Quranic perspective , where the first thing that Allah tells us in Surah Al-Tahrim قُوْ أَنفُسَكُمْ وَأَحْلِيكُمْ نَوْرً , nauru that save yourselves and your families from the hellfire Meaning that Sadaqah always needs to begin from home . You can't start anywhere else .
Speaker 3Number two is that , islamically speaking , the husband cannot give Zakat to his wife because he is obliged to spend on her and take care of her , whereas Islamically , it is allowed for the wife to give Zakat to her husband because she is not one of the general recipients , one that she is meant to provide for and take care of . And in the situation of Abdullah bin Mas'ud , the Prophet actually told his wife that spend upon your husband , because that is where your zakat should begin . Spend on your husband , because that is where your zakat should begin . So I would say , yeah , if we take context out of the scenario , it's a great , wonderful thing that she wants to spend on the community , but if your husband is struggling and you're doing well for yourself , start with your own home first Make your own life easier , make your husband's life easier and then , inshallah , whatever extra you want to spend on your community , you can .
Speaker 1Bi'idhillah Al-aqrabuna awla bil-ma'roof right Exactly 100% .
Speaker 3Yeah , exactly 100% yeah .
Speaker 2Yeah , I love that you brought up the example of Abdullah bin Mas'ud's wife , because she was the breadwinner of the family and the Prophet didn't scold her , didn't say there was anything wrong with that , and she financially supported the entire family . So there's that example that we can take lessons from also .
Speaker 1Going back , Sheikh , to the topic of prenups . What is the importance of prenups when it comes to marriage , Like ? Can you share a story of how a prenup was able to save a marriage ?
Speaker 3I don't know if I can share a story of how a prenuptial agreement saved a marriage , but I can show how it prevented abuse at the end of a marriage , right ? So that is , I think , something that's very important to look at , where , if a marriage is meant to come to a close , we want to make sure that we don't leave as enemies , particularly if there are kids involved , right ? And what ends up happening is , when emotions are heightened , shaitan will manipulate our emotions . And then , number two for some reason , we all will have this bad friend that was financially abused at the end of their marriage that will be telling us do whatever you can to you know , take whatever you can as much as you can , and there will be whispering in our ear as well subhanallah
Islamic Values and Compromise in Marriage
Speaker 3. So then we find that people are willing to compromise on their islamic values and ethics . So , for example , each person in Islam is meant to take what is owed to them and what is owned by them at the end of a marriage . But then , if we go to the Western court system , all of a sudden we have access to 50% of what was earned . So if the wife is a primary breadwinner , all of a sudden the husband gets access to that . If the husband is a primary breadwinner , then all of a sudden the wife gets access to that . If the husband is a primary breadwinner , then all of a sudden the wife gets access to that . And islamically , something like this 50 split is not allowed holistically . I think in certain cases it can be allowed and we can evaluate that , but as a holistic principle that's not the way islam works , right ?
Speaker 3So , that being said , a prenuptial agreement would basically discuss in the case of divorce or dissolution of a marriage . This is what I would be entitled to and this is what happens with the assets . So there's no room for becoming enemies when we are already upset . And it's easy to become enemies because we've already negotiated this in advance and we were doing this with a logically clear mind . Things weren't emotionally heightened and it at least saves a couple from being enemies , particularly when they're their kids . So I don't have any examples of how it saved a marriage , but I definitely have examples of how it prevented the couple from becoming enemies . Um , in that situation , because everything was discussed when they were level-headed subhanallah .
Speaker 1Speaking of-50 , have you seen cases of like a divorce that happened and there was no prenup that was signed before and the wife decided not to take advantage of the 50-50 and just abide by the ruling of Islam ?
Speaker 3Well , yeah , mashallah tabarakallah . I mean , I think it's a misnomer to think that we don't have righteous sisters in our community . We have sisters that fear Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala without a shadow of a doubt , and these are situations where their husbands were even abusive of them and they're like you know what ? I'm going to leave it up to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to decide . I want to make sure that I'm not doing anything wrong and then Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala judgment . So , without a shadow of a doubt , I think such mashallah sisters do exist , without a shadow of a doubt .
Speaker 1Alhamdulillah , because it's a difficult test Like you have an opportunity to take 50% of your house earning your husband's earnings and you decide no .
Speaker 3I want to have taqwa .
Speaker 1So it is a big test , mashallah .
Speaker 3Without a shadow of a doubt , it is a huge test .
Speaker 2I wanted to go back to the example of Abdullah bin Masood's wife , because something that I've been wrestling with as we've been developing our workshop is wrestling this example of the wife being the breadwinner and the caretaker with the requirement of the man providing for his family . And obviously , when you're in the courtship phase , you can't just bring up this example of Abdullah bin Musawwad's wife and say oh , by the way , you know , it's okay for the wife to be the breadwinner , but it is this life that we're allowed . So how do we reconcile these two things without making it seem like they're contradictory ?
Speaker 3So I would frame it this way Is a person allowed to pray sitting down right ? And the answer to that question is if you're not able to stand , yes , you are allowed to pray sitting down .
Navigating Islamic Norms in Marriage
Speaker 3Similarly , in situations where the man cannot be the breadwinner for whatever extraneous circumstances , in that sort of situation , a woman is allowed to be the breadwinner . But understand that this will create a new dynamic that is outside of what we would call the Islamic norm .
Speaker 3The Islamic norm is that the man is meant to provide , and this is what brings a sense of self-worth to him . He feels valued , he feels contributing as long as he's providing . But now that he's being provided for , does a man's ego work in such a way where he can still retain his masculinity and , you know , feel as if he's contributing to the relationship while he's not providing ? Right ? I think that it has a huge impact . So I would say the norm is that the man is meant to be the provider and in extraneous circumstances where there is a need for it , then yes , she can become the breadwinner and there's nothing wrong with that .
Speaker 1So in the case of the man not being able to provide , does that take away from his qiwamah ?
Speaker 3Great question . So Imam Al-Qurthibi , when he talks about , he says that the reason why the raja is qiawwam upon the woman is because what allah mentions in the second part of the verse , that they make nafaka on top of the woman . So if he's no longer making the nafaka , the understanding is the one that makes the nafaka is the qawwam in the situation . So he had an interesting opinion where , you know , the woman can become qawwam upon the husband . Uh , but he was in the minority in this situation .
Speaker 2Interesting Wow .
Speaker 1We threw at you all the difficult questions .
Speaker 3I mean , I'm hoping what people take away from this is that marriage is one of those situations where we have general ideas of what is right and wrong and then as a couple we need to navigate in between that . Right , there's not one answer that is definitely right for every couple . Right , there's general guidelines . Work within those parameters .
Speaker 1I think if we redirect our mindset about marriage instead of like what's my rights and what are my responsibilities and what's yours , what can I gain ? How can I gain more ? What can I gain , how can I gain more Instead of that we just look at marriage as a third entity , like a plant that we're both working on making it grow in a healthy way , and just have a concept of rahmah and mawadah in the marriage , then less problems will like we'll see less problems in marriages .
Speaker 3But how about if we reframe it that , instead of being a third entity , it is a joint entity or it is our entity ? It is us , right , if we use our marriage to define ourselves , right ? So what defines us as human beings ? We are , first and foremost , servants and slaves of Allah , subh'anahu Wa Ta-A'la . Then we are children to our parents and then we are spouses to our spouses , right ? And this is a part of our joint identity . So any harm that I do to my spouse , I'm doing to myself as well , and you have to understand that . There's no . I need to gain the upper hand , because how do you gain the upper hand against yourself , like if you don't allow your mind to think like that .
Speaker 3Then you don't think about those things , right ? It's like everything that I do is for my own personal betterment .
Speaker 1Interesting , interesting . Okay , Sheikh , our listeners are majority of them , if not all they are single Muslims . What can you tell them ? A piece of advice , Any lasting words ?
Speaker 3Okay . So advice for people that are looking to get married . Number one focus on your relationship with Allah , subh'anahu Wa Ta-A'la , because that will directly manifest in the rizq that you receive from Allah , subh'anahu Wa Ta-A'la , if sins become an impediment in istighfar and good deeds open up the doors of rizq . Number two is spend a lot of time understanding who yourself are , and this will help you choose a good spouse for yourself . If you don't know who you are , you're not going to be able to understand what the red flags are that you shouldn't negotiate on . Number three , I would suggest use every avenue and every opportunity , right .
Speaker 3There is this concept of modesty in Islam that should be abided by , but using the internet does not contradict your modesty . Using an app does not contradict your modesty . The way you interact with people , that is what may contradict your modesty , right . So , using the avenues that Allah , subh'anahu Wa Ta-A'la has given you , try to open up your minds to using them , even though they may not be conventional means . And the fourth and last point is with regards to helping other people get married , right ? The Prophet Sall that whoever makes dua for their brother and sister in their absence , the angels say ameen , and for you as well . And then , likewise , sometimes you may come across a person . They're a great person , but you're just not compatible with them . But you know a sister , that you know what maybe is compatible . Try to make that connection and if you help others get married , then Allah will help you get married as well . So , using this spiritual dynamic to help yourself get married as well Beautiful .
Speaker 1So even a single person can become a matchmaker .
Speaker 3Yeah , of course , anyone can be a matchmaker . Like , matchmaking is a good deed . Any person can do a good deed , inshallah .
Speaker 2Inshallah yeah it was amazing I it was amazing . I didn't even know that the Prophet's marriages more than one of his marriages actually happened through a matchmaker .
Speaker 3Oh , subhanallah , yeah , yeah , yeah .
Speaker 1It was amazing Sheikh , thank you so much for your time . This was very , very , very beautiful . We enjoyed our time with you .
Speaker 3And again I'm so sorry for the internet troubles man , I'm so diligent with those sort of things , but that was completely beyond my control . So diligent with those sort of things , but I was completely beyond my control .
Speaker 1Forgive me , it happens to the best of us . Jazakumullah khair , thank you , our listeners , and , inshallah , we'll see you in the next episode . Assalamu alaikum .
Speaker 3Assalamu alaikum , wa alaikum assalam Warahmatullahi wabarakatuh .
Speaker 1Hey , if you have a story to tell , we'd love to have you on here .