Diary of a Matchmaker
Getting married is tough for the vast majority of Muslims in the West. We know because weāve been there. My (Zaid) journey spanned nearly nine years. It was filled with rejections and self-doubt. While I (Hiba) didn't know there was a journey to be on in the first place. After we got married we decided to create something different to help single Muslims complete their deen. And so our matchmaking service Halal Match was born.
After a few years of interviewing singles, a friend suggested we journal our stories. We tweaked that idea and turned it into a podcast. In āDiary of a Matchmakerā weāll take you through this unfamiliar world of matchmaking. Weāll share our stories, experiences, and much more. So say Bismillah and tune in.
Do you have a story to share? Email us at: info@halalmatch.ca
Diary of a Matchmaker
The Haram Police Chronicles
Episode Description:
This week on Diary of a Matchmaker, we confront the notorious Haram Police! š From awkward aunties and clapping controversies to MSAs that outdo Islamic rulings themselves, we share our personal run-ins with this self-appointed moral authority. š» Spoiler: classical music, theater, and even holding hands while married arenāt safe from judgment. We discuss how culture complicates the marriage process and why Islamās simplicity often gets lost in translation. So, ever been āticketedā by the Haram Police? Drop your stories in the commentsāno fines, we promise! š
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba. And I'm Zaid, you're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2:A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.
Speaker 1:We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.
Speaker 2:So let's dive in. Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode. I'm Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host, hiba. Assalamu alaikum so have you heard of the term the haram police?
Speaker 1:what? Yes, I have, who hasn't?
Speaker 2:so growing up, I mean, the thing that I found most interesting when we were first courting was our mutual interest for art, specifically your love for classical music. My, obviously I shared my love for a live theater and it was one of the things that we connected so much on. I was the first time honestly like. The shocking thing was is that you were studying sharia and yet you loved classical music, and I'm like this is the most unusual combination that I have ever seen. Talking to girls and I've talked to a lot of girls- it's classical music, not belly dancing, obviously, but still Like I felt there was such a huge conflict in that.
Speaker 2:Maybe it's just because of the way I've been raised and what I've been taught, but yeah, that combination, combination I just never seen before and I'll take it as a compliment then, yeah, but it's interesting when you were talking about the topic of the Haram police, which we'll get into.
Speaker 2:Your experience with music and art is very similar to mine. Yeah, right, with what people have said to you in the past and um and some of that. So how did your love for classical music come about and what was your experience kind of pursuing that in a muslim community?
Speaker 1:yeah, well, I think before I went to study sharia it wasn't a big deal. But after I went to jordan to study sharia, like suddenly, like I remember once we were sitting, uh, at my parents living room and, um, an auntie, a friend of the family, a friend of mine and a very dear person to to my heart, she was visiting us and she's like known as the, the da'ia of the village, like she's a very pious person, and she asked, like I can't remember what the conversation was, and the topic of music came up and she's like, oh, you don't listen to music, right? Or I hope you don't listen to music in a very passive, aggressive way if I remember correctly, yeah, and at that moment I froze.
Speaker 1:I said no, of course I don't listen to music. I didn't want to be judged by a person that I respect and love so much right, and you were young, you were. What a teenager no, this is when I'm went to. Oh, you're right.
Speaker 2:So you're like mid-20s, late 20s late 20s late 20s, wow, um. But yeah, I've dealt with the same thing um, in high school, even post high school, um, whether you know, especially when I was considering um pursuing theater as a full-time career. Um, people like my closest friends, relatives, uh, everybody would make comments, kind of get passive-aggressive remarks, and then adding to the fact that I completed my hips and I would leave.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, me too. That didn't make it any easier.
Speaker 2:So I'm completely abandoning the religion and pursuing something that is completely different from what the religion encourages. It was difficult because I I felt like I was. I had to choose between two paths yeah, exactly either I can commit myself to my religion and or I can quote, unquote, abandon my religion and then pursue art, because that's what, that's what the cost is they make it seem like somebody who's gay and Muslim, saying I'm gay and I'm Muslim Exactly. That's a great, that's a pretty good analogy.
Speaker 1:So how does this relate to marriage anyway?
Speaker 2:So I think it relates to marriage is specifically in a topic that we've discussed before, when culture dictates the marriage process, because a lot of these beliefs and we can go further down the rabbit hole. People feel that celebrating birthdays are haram, celebrating anniversaries, the list goes on and on. People for some reason think that the default is haram, when in fact it's the opposite.
Speaker 1:Exactly the default is haram unless there's an evidence to support the opposite right.
Speaker 2:If you guys are listening, please understand that. The Islamic principle is that when it comes to worldly matters, the default is halal unless there is evidence that it is haram.
Speaker 1:Exactly, but when it comes to matters, of worship.
Speaker 2:It's the opposite.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So most people, when you ask you, ask them oh, why is this haram? They would say, like in the case of my mother, let's, for example, why do you think music is haram? Even though we would catch her when she's cooking in the kitchen, like singing to herself so why do you think?
Speaker 1:why do you think music is haram? Oh, haven't you heard the Sheikh, like such and such, say that it's haram? I heard it on YouTube. So, most of the people, they don't know exactly the evidence, the ayah, the hadith, and they're just very easily manipulated.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Now, please, anyone who's listening and who takes the opinion that music is haram. We are not mocking, we're not judging. We're not judging, we're not mocking at all.
Speaker 2:We're just sharing our experiences and how our lives have kind of been shaped by these beliefs.
Speaker 1:Hey, if you have a story to tell, we'd love to have you on here. You'll find a safe space of listeners who can understand what you're going through. Just shoot us an email with a summary of your story. So how does this whole thing, this whole discussion about the Haram Police, how does it relate to marriage and matchmaking?
Speaker 2:Especially when it comes to marriage, culture plays such a part and so much of what I've seen, both personally and professionally, is dictated by culture, whether it's, you know, having 50 functions before the wedding, unrealistic matters, the, the courting process, the you know, the the fact that you have to jump through 10 different hoops to talk to the girl or the guy yeah all of that. There's just so much culture that's infused, when in reality, our religion is just so simple yeah, exactly, yeah, so you know.
Speaker 1:I realized we didn't explain what is the haram police for anyone who doesn't know.
Speaker 2:So the haram police is basically when you know you are out in the bell and you're doing your business, You're not doing anything haram. Yet that auntie or uncle or that sheikh from the community says you can't be dressed this way, you can't be doing this, you can't be speaking a certain way.
Speaker 1:This is haram. This is haram.
Speaker 2:This is haram that's, haram that's haram.
Speaker 1:You get a car. You get a car. You get a car.
Speaker 2:I think we used that meme, didn't we? Yeah, we did.
Speaker 1:So to any Gen Z, here we are referring an Oprah Winfrey show episode, and if you don't know who when free is, then I pity you. I ask for allah like in the middle of your own.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but regardless, regardless. Yeah, that's a haram police. So growing up, I remember one of my teachers, who actually happened to be a sheikh, would say that clapping after morning assembly is haram because, that's symbolic of the nation of loot. I remember hearing things like harry potter is haram reading, reading the books is haram because it has so much to do with black magic and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, when at the end of the day, it's just a fiction, it's a, it's a fictional novel I just remembered one time my mom I was praying in the dark, I think and mom was saying oh, the other day I heard a sheikh. He said praying in the dark is haram. I swear, wow, yeah. So, mom, what's your uh basis like? What is the evidence? I don't know, but the sheikh said it. I mean, he's a sheikh.
Speaker 2:So yeah, it must be true, and a lot of this, this talk and and to put it bluntly, nonsense, comes from the belief that islam is a very strict and quote-unquote difficult religion yeah, right, like you, you have to suffer here, not just up here, but I think I also think that we there's this drive to separate ourselves from non-muslims, so anything that we do that is similar to muslims to non-muslims uh, to sorry to non-muslims is haram.
Speaker 1:Birthdays, anniversaries- it's all bida. It's all bida yeah right because non-muslims do it yeah right.
Speaker 2:So I know, it's just it's so crazy. Yeah, it's so. It's like this this deep-seated belief that Islam is difficult and that anything that resembles joy is haram.
Speaker 1:You have to suffer here in order to earn Jannah, when, in fact, you can have joy here and joy in the afterlife right, yeah, you can. The Prophet is always smiling. He didn't live a miserable life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but he went through hardship after hardship, of course, of course, that's all the b'tilat from Allah yeah. So Shaykh Naveed, who we just interviewed a few weeks ago, made an excellent point about the courting phase. That so much of what is allowed during the courting phase gets labeled as haram, yeah. When there is so much flexibility, yeah, what is allowed during the courting phase gets labeled as haram.
Speaker 2:When there is so much flexibility, there's so much that we can do to assess compatibility, but we just immediately think oh my God, a guy and a girl talking before marriage, that's haram, that's like basically, you know Right. When there's so much allowed, you know, when there is permission from the wali, when you know, as long as they're not in halwa, which? They're not physically touching, they're not physically touching all of those intentions exactly when all of those conditions are in place.
Speaker 1:There's so much, so many options, so much variety, so many different ways you can assess compatibility now, you know, somebody might hear you and say, astaghaghfirullah, look at these people, they're trying to dilute the deen and just skate. So, like to each extreme, there's another extreme. Yeah, us in the Middle Eastern culture, we have another concept. So you don't hear, this is haram, this is haram as much as you hear.
Speaker 1:This is aib, and to any non-Arab here, here, aib is something that's like socially very frowned upon it was simply shameful yeah, exactly, and anything could be labeled as aib, whether it's actually haram or not, like, for example, if you remember when we went back home to visit my family last year and we were just walking in the street and dad was with us and we were holding hands and my dad was like no, don't do that, that's I'm like, even though we're a married couple even though we're married, we're in public. We're not like kissing, we're just holding hands right and I'm like subhanallah.
Speaker 1:The prophet alayhiam used to walk with his wives, used to race with his wives, and yet I don't know. I don't want to say like we feel like we're better than the Prophet, because of course that's not the intention, but how like? Why did we restrict ourselves so much when the deen didn't?
Speaker 2:I don't know. It's just we've like I said I keep coming back to this we've allowed culture to dominate our beliefs for so long, and the sad thing is and this is the important thing that I hope people take away from this that we want, as Muslims, to be inviters to Islam.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Right, especially to fellow Muslims, you know, because people are on different spectrums of the religion. Somebody might just be hanging on to Islam by a thread and they may be steeped in sin and so by further reminding them of what's haram, you are further pushing them away from Islam rather than inviting them and bringing them closer to Islam. So always be a source of invitation. So always be a source of invitation. Always be gentle and empathetic as much as you can, without compromising or diluting the religion itself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and there's always a concept of priorities. So there's a saying of a scholar that for some reason I forgot his name right now, and he says if a sheikh, if an imam goes to a town that the riba has spread so bad in this community and he goes to the mimbar and gives them a maw'ida and says your women need to cover up, then he's done more harm than benefit Because there are priorities. So right now, like we have huge problems in our Muslim community, whether it's in the East and in the West, and you still find people focusing on no, you can't wipe on your socks, that's haram Like a pity star. I'm not mocking the ahkam, we're not mocking the sharia, astaghfirullah, but I mean there's some bigger issues to focus on, right.
Speaker 1:The division of the Ummah, the I don't know deterioration of the youth. There's a huge problem of atheism in the Middle East, in Saudi, in Egypt. Atheism, yes, ever since the Arab Spring and a lot of the young people they were shocked by Egypt Atheism. Atheism, yes, I didn't know that. Ever since the Arab Spring and a lot of the young people they were shocked by what scholars, we call them ulama al-sultan, which are like the scholars hired by the king.
Speaker 1:So puppets of the kings. Exactly, they were shocked by their reaction. It was a big fitna. A lot of young Muslims are leaving the deen and we're still talking about wiping on the socks and I don't know, can't cut your hair in a specific way and the length of your soap.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're getting stuck on these very trivial topics for sure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, stuck on these very trivial topics for sure.
Speaker 2:yeah, another factor that makes it very difficult for single muslims to get married, which gets labeled as haram the mixing, mixing between the genders we've discussed, we've discussed the segregation episode, but I honestly, we could talk about this over and over again, um, because it's is just something that is so overdone, so much overlooked, and one of the factors I sincerely believe that is hurting muslims more so than anything when it comes to marriage, um, I mean, forget the apps, forget culture, forget everything else. I really think it's segregation, that's number, that's the number one factor that's hindering Muslims from finding a compatible spouse, especially in the masjid, Especially in the masjid.
Speaker 1:Just recently we were in touch with a brother from a specific MSA and we agreed on a date to go deliver our workshop. And alhamdulillah, we were excited.
Speaker 2:But then, like days before, Just literally a few days before, they said no, we don't feel comfortable, there are brothers in our MSA that don't feel comfortable about having a workshop with the opposite gender in the same room, or something along those lines.
Speaker 1:Even, though we're going to have guys sit on one side of the room. Girls, sit on the other side of the room but they felt this is way too liberal.
Speaker 2:Right. So just for the sake of clarity, one of the conditions that we like to have with our workshop is that there is no physical barrier, so that when we are addressing both girls and guys, they can see each other's responses, that we have freedom to address both genders and understand what the gender expectations are, the different ways that the genders think.
Speaker 1:And that guys and girls can see each other. They're sitting in a very safe space.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:They can see each other's reactions to questions.
Speaker 2:Exactly so. The point is that it's an essential element of our workshop and, unfortunately, MSAs are more religious than Islam itself. I'm not trying to pick on MSAs, but I mean I got to keep it real here. This is what we've been seeing. We're not going to compromise on our workshop, but we could talk about our workshop on another episode.
Speaker 1:You know, I studied Sharia, you know, and we sat in the same classroom.
Speaker 2:Were you guys sitting on the same table as them, or was it like a visible barrier?
Speaker 1:No barrier, but guys used to sit in the front rows and girls used to sit in the back. So if you want to fix your hijab, if you want to be comfortable, like guys are not looking at you, but it was the faculty of Sharia and, like in a Muslim country, we had female professors, male professors and there was nothing wrong with that. So I don't know what's up with msa's. To anyone who is listening, who's single and who's going through the journey of finding a spouse, what can they apply from this episode?
Speaker 2:but like we've said I mean we talked about this in the culture episode remember that islam is a very simple religion. It's a very simple way of life and what's haram is just very small in number and what's halal is, can even be counted yeah, because, like we said, the default is halal there's a verse in the quran where allah says if, uh, if you were to count the, the bounties of allah, you would not be able to when to add to nama, to allah right, and the point of that and the reason I'm referencing that is because we have so many halal options available to us.
Speaker 2:Even if you go to the grocery store, right the numbers of things that you won't be able to eat there are a fraction of what you can eat there, of course. So just bear in mind that getting married is a very simple process. Yes, finding the right person can be challenging. Maintaining a marriage can be challenging also.
Speaker 1:So there's no reason to make it harder, exactly.
Speaker 2:So be easy on yourself. Don't make Islam a difficult religion. It's already difficult to implement in a non-Muslim country, so there's no reason to make it more difficult upon yourself.
Speaker 1:Just preserve the hudud of Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, and let your intention guide you.
Speaker 2:So have you ever been a victim of the haram police? Have you ever been pulled over and arrested for doing something haram?
Speaker 1:have you got a ticket, did you?
Speaker 2:get fined?
Speaker 1:let us know in the comments yeah, and we'll see you next episode, inshallah.