Diary of a Matchmaker
Getting married is tough for the vast majority of Muslims in the West. We know because we’ve been there. My (Zaid) journey spanned nearly nine years. It was filled with rejections and self-doubt. While I (Hiba) didn't know there was a journey to be on in the first place. After we got married we decided to create something different to help single Muslims complete their deen. And so our matchmaking service Halal Match was born.
After a few years of interviewing singles, a friend suggested we journal our stories. We tweaked that idea and turned it into a podcast. In ‘Diary of a Matchmaker’ we’ll take you through this unfamiliar world of matchmaking. We’ll share our stories, experiences, and much more. So say Bismillah and tune in.
Do you have a story to share? Email us at: info@halalmatch.ca
Diary of a Matchmaker
Qadr vs. Cupid: Who's Really in Charge?
In this episode, we dive into the concept of soulmates; are they just a rom-com myth, or is there something deeper? We explore the idea from an Islamic perspective, discuss the role of qadr (divine decree), and unpack why "waiting for Mr./Mrs. Perfect" might be holding you back. Spoiler alert: marriage isn't the end of the story. Join us for a fun, insightful chat that might just change the way you see "happily ever after."
Brought to you by your favorite matchmakers; Hiba and Zaid with opinions on everything, including Robert Downey Jr.’s early movies.
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba. And I'm Zaid, you're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2:A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.
Speaker 1:We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.
Speaker 2:So let's dive in. Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode. My name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host Hiba.
Speaker 1:Assalamuualaikum.
Speaker 2:So let's talk soulmates. Soulmates is something you probably heard when talking about marriage. We see it all the time in dramas, romantic comedies, and it's this idea that you are only compatible with one person, right, yeah, how else would you define it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, that you're destined for one person, right? Yeah, how else would you define it that? Yeah, that you're destined for one person, and this person perfectly, uh, matches you, completes you. Um, you're gonna live happily ever after, no problems whatsoever, and your job is just to let destiny take its course and make your paths cross I feel like I've seen this idea play out in movies a lot yeah, a lot yeah, um a few examples serendipity, john cusack and kate beckinsale, um, only you.
Speaker 2:Um, that's when, like robert downey jr, a young handsome man. He's still a good looking guy, though.
Speaker 1:No, you're supposed to compliment Marissa Tomei.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, she was very young too. What other movies?
Speaker 1:You've Got Mail.
Speaker 2:You've Got Mail.
Speaker 1:Sleepless in Seattle.
Speaker 2:When Harry Met Sally.
Speaker 1:Now, guys, we're not that old, but these are like staple movies. Anyone should watch them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. So all of these movies play around with the idea that you are destined for one person. You know, somehow, some way you are going to find this person. In a lot of these movies they meet early on in the movie and then they part ways and then they have relationships with someone else and then they realize that their heart just isn't connected to this other person and they leave and try to find that person that they met earlier on in the story and usually that move the movie ends, uh, with the, with the character's hearts reuniting yeah, now, even though this has a fairy tale like um feeling about it.
Speaker 1:But I think many people, maybe subconsciously, have adopted this uh concept and they're just like just waiting for mr right or mrs right, the perfect match, and they're just passing on good opportunities.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. So let's talk about whether or not this idea is rooted in our deen. So, number one, we have this concept in Islam called qadr, which is divine decree, that for every person, animal, every creature on this planet has a divine plan on this planet has a divine plan, and through our actions and through our daily interactions we are manifesting Allah's divine plan. And the western definition of soulmate is that it rests on this idea that there's this pre-existing magical connection waiting to be discovered, when in Islam that's not exactly the case so, yeah, qadr for us.
Speaker 1:I we heard this. Yesterday we were interviewing um a trauma specialist, hana lasri, and she said this beautiful thing about qadr that qadr is for us to look back on it's not for us to wait for it to unfold, right yeah we're supposed to be proactive in pursuing, whether it's marriage, whether it's career, education, whatever it is, yeah, and Allah's plan will come, will manifest, and we'll look back on it and take lessons from it.
Speaker 2:We have this understanding in Islam that we're supposed to tie our own camel right Along with making dua and asking for Allah's guidance. So dua is always coupled with action. Yeah, um, any other things you want to say about that point?
Speaker 1:about qadar. Yeah, uh, actually, yes, it's something that occurred to me yesterday when we were preparing for the episode, and it's maybe that the idea of soulmates and there's only one person destined for you and you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with, maybe it comes from the Christian belief, where in authentic, original Christianity, there is no such thing as divorce. The person you marry you'll be bonded to forever, for the rest of your lives, and there's no divorce, like we said. So maybe this is the origin of the idea of soulmates.
Speaker 2:I don't know yeah, which is ridiculous because you know part of allah's divine plan could be that you get divorced.
Speaker 1:Could be that you lose your husband, or or your wife I wouldn't honestly call it ridiculous because, like you never know, maybe this was the Sharia back then.
Speaker 2:Maybe this was their Sharia right. Right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but anyway, things have changed. The church have changed their opinion on many things, whether it's even gay marriages, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a conversation for another day yeah. As I was saying, that part of Allah's divine plan could be that you become a widow, could be that you become a divorcee. So does that mean you never get married again?
Speaker 1:Of course not, and it could be that you actually never get married. And whatever it is, it's the best thing for you.
Speaker 2:Right, and the hard part is trusting Allah's plan and understanding that he knows what's best for you.
Speaker 1:If your iman is so strong and I'm not saying any one of us has the perfect Iman, because the Prophet said Iman goes up and goes down, goes up and goes down. It's just like a wave right. But with strong Iman, believing in Allah's plan, and he knows and he's all-knowing and his planning is the best planning, that won't become too difficult.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a good point, all right. So point number two what is the purpose of the relationship? Um movies, often for the sake of storytelling, end with the characters finding each other. But in islam we know that you finding your better half is just the beginning of the journey.
Speaker 1:Yeah, getting married is the easy part, but staying married, like you say, is the hard part.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And usually in movies like the last scene is either at the altar where they're getting married or where they're confessing I love you, or with a kiss or something, but then we don't see what happens after. Right. Right we think it's just going to be perfect. Hankidori, like you, always say right yeah but yeah, like the story, the journey itself starts in Islam. After marriage, like you start to fall in love with the person, you start actually having conflicts and that's totally normal, right.
Speaker 1:You start having disagreements, you learn how to communicate with each other. And just life happens, whether it's debt, whether it's sickness, children, responsibilities, chores. But we don't see that in movies.
Speaker 2:We don't right. Even the Prophet had marital discord, which is documented in the Quran, had marital discord, which is documented in the Quran. And when we do our workshops, we often focus on three goals or pillars. I guess you can call them to keep in mind when you're searching for a spouse which is growth, union and support.
Speaker 2:And so, when we think of what purpose does marriage serve? Number one it's a means to seek a closer connection to allah, right, and it's also a means to channel your, your natural desires, um, and there's a beautiful ayah in the quran that says that they are garments for you and you are garments for them. And there's so many ways to understand that ayah. One way is that, just like a garment beautifies your body, a wife does the same thing for you and a husband does the same thing for you yeah, um a garment conforms to your body right, right.
Speaker 1:Garment is the closest thing to your body and it covers your flaws and your aura right right this is what we're supposed to be to each other. But the focus in the western media on this romanticized idea of soulmates, it's about individual happiness, it's about romance, it's about this idealistic idea of happiness right, which actually leads me to my next point.
Speaker 2:Point number three is this belief that love conquers all okay, yeah, yeah that marital discord won't happen.
Speaker 1:As you know, your soul is now complete the only thing you need for this marriage to work is love, right, yeah, and so it rests on these unrealistic expectations of marriage.
Speaker 2:Uh, when we, like we just mentioned, marriage is full of all sorts of crazy challenges and, um, the beauty thing, beautiful thing about islam is that it provides a basic framework of rights and responsibilities and realistic expectations, and, uh, and within that framework, you have to ride the highs and lows of marriage and you have to figure things out exactly, yeah, islam is practical, it's realistic, uh.
Speaker 1:Whereas um the idea of soulmates, it's idealistic, it's not not rooted in reality and practicality. So, like you find two people crazy about each other. They think they're each other's soulmates. They get married.
Speaker 2:But they're not compatible.
Speaker 1:They could be compatible. But they get married and then problems start to arise and their expectations are met with disappointments. Like I thought you're my soul mates. Why are we going through this? Why? Why are we ending in divorce?
Speaker 2:we're soul mate, we're meant for each other right, like, even though they might not articulate it that way, but in their mind that's probably, that's right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah so it's a false expectations sets you up for disappointments, right for sure, for sure.
Speaker 1:Hey, if you have a story to tell, we'd love to have you on here. You'll find a safe space of listeners who can understand what you're going through. Just shoot us an email with a summary of your story at info at halalmatchca. Also, the purpose of, like you said, just going back to the previous point, the purpose of marriage in Islam. It's, of course, it's supposed to bring you happiness. Like, nobody gets married to become miserable, right? But it's more than that. It's more, just than individual happiness. It's fulfillment. It's building something together, building something for the future, whether it's your future on earth or in the afterlife. Right, it's building a family.
Speaker 2:It's connecting it's union, it's growth, 's growth, it's connecting two families together.
Speaker 1:It's for us to to get to know each other, right. It's about, like you said, it's about growth. You're supposed to grow as in improve in certain areas not just Islamically, but financially.
Speaker 2:Self improvement, self improvement in general in certain areas, um not just islamically, but not just islamically.
Speaker 1:Financially in other means self-improvement, self-improvement in general yeah, like some people do get married and then to them this is like the final chapter and then they let themselves go. Before they got married they were so caring and they try to portray, to portray themselves in the best way and impress the other person everyone puts on their best face before marriage yes, but after we get married we're supposed to keep growing in that yeah, and not just let ourselves go you know.
Speaker 2:To further add to the first point you mentioned about divine decree um, the idea of soulmate. Really, I really feel like it does dismiss the role of effort and divine will, because there's so much of a focus on fate and serendipity, and that things will happen when the time is right and a small part of that is rooted in Islam. That things will happen when the time is right for you, just like it happened for me, like when you messaged me. It was a good time in my life where I was settled. I had a decent paying job, but effort plays a big part.
Speaker 1:Yeah, of course, Like you said, اعقل وتوكل or اعقلها وتوكل. You know the story behind this right.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:What does it mean? اعقلها وتوكل.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:So sub, no. What does it mean? No, so subhanallah. It has multiple meanings, but the story there is a story behind it where there's an arabi, a bedouin man.
Speaker 1:Uh, he was about to enter the masjid was it the masjid or the market, I can't remember and he had his camel and he just left it there next to the entrance or something. And he went to the masjid or the market and then the prophet was like what are you doing? He's like yeah, I'm just doing tawakkul on allah, I'm leaving the camel here and I'll find it when I get back. The prophet said so means tie to tie, and that's why we call mind is because it's supposed to tie your emotions instead of just you going out of control right.
Speaker 1:It's supposed to ground you, so tie it, tie your camel wa tawakkal and have tawakkal.
Speaker 2:I see, so that's where it comes from.
Speaker 1:And now we say aqilha, as in like make up your mind, or like think about it comes from. And now we say as in like make up your mind or like think about it from, and then do it. So it's kind of like a play on word.
Speaker 1:You could say, but um, okay, that was a bit of a tangent no, no, it totally makes sense one more thing that's different between the western idea of soulmates and, uh, in islam, which is compatibility and like when you think this person is your soulmate, your expectations is that they 100% fit you or match you. They're perfectly meant for you. I mean, they were created for you, to complete you, right? Just? Like you were created to complete them. That's the Western idea. And then again, these kinds of expectations lead to disappointments, because there are no perfect couple.
Speaker 2:There is no perfect couple even when we do our matches and our successful matches. In fact, nobody was 100 compatible, even like differences and like we say in the workshop identical twins are different yeah the only person who would match you.
Speaker 1:100 is another copy of you exactly yeah, as opposed to the muslim belief, our islamic practice, which is you're supposed to look for somebody who's compatible with you, compatible in terms of values, expectations, lifestyle priorities, all of that the prophet alaihi wasalam said. So you're pleased with his deen or her deen and you're pleased with his or her right. But character character.
Speaker 1:It doesn't mean that they have the perfect dean and the perfect character and, um, yeah, like this is something to take from this if you are out there looking and you're going through profiles and you're being introduced to somebody, you're not gonna find somebody who checks all your boxes. There's no, just like you are not gonna check all their boxes, but it's the idea of what can you tolerate, what are your priorities, what can you live with and what can't you live with, what are your deal breakers? If you're clear about these things, then the other things, the other shortcomings and faults, they will.
Speaker 2:You will find a way to live with them okay, and how does this tie back to soulmates, though?
Speaker 1:because the idea of soulmates, this person is perfect for you. Okay, so you keep waiting and you keep looking until you find that person, because your belief is if they don't match me 100, they're not my soulmate. And you just keep looking and keep hoping okay, that, that makes sense, okay, yeah let us know if you've ever watched a movie and it made you think about soulmates, and if there's a soulmate out there for you.
Speaker 2:Inshallah. Next week we hope you guys tune in to an interview we did with a trauma coach, mashallah. She's a specialist in the field and one of the few trauma coaches that works with Muslim women.
Speaker 1:Her name is Hana Al-Asri.
Speaker 2:Hana Al-Asri. Alhamdulillah, we learned so much interviewing her, and especially how much, um you know, healing from trauma is rooted in islam. Uh, so definitely tune in. Hopefully you guys will learn a lot from that, and until next time then, assalamu alaikum.