Diary of a Matchmaker

Marriage Material: Do You Make the Cut?

• Halal Match • Episode 44

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In this episode, we dive into the awkward, and sometimes painful journey of figuring that out. From emotional maturity to basic life skills (yes, knowing how to cook counts), we’re keeping it real and relatable. Spoiler: If you think ‘romantic’ means sending memes at 2 a.m., you might want to tune in. We’re sharing stories, tips, and a few laughs to help you level up for the marriage game. Let’s find out if you’re ready to say ‘I do’—or if you need a little more practice folding laundry first!

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Speaker 1:

We all have a mental checklist of what we want in a spouse Kind, successful, good-looking. But here's the big question Are you what they're looking for?

Speaker 2:

As-salamu alaykum, I'm Hiba.

Speaker 1:

And I'm Zaid.

Speaker 2:

You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 1:

A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 2:

We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 1:

So let's dive in.

Speaker 2:

Assalamu alaikum everyone. Welcome to another episode. My name is Hiba and on the other mic is my husband and co-host, zaid. Assalamu alaikum. Marriage material. We hear this expression tossed around a lot, especially when we're talking about marriage. Usually the questions we hear is is he marriage material? Is she marriage material?

Speaker 1:

yeah, does he have a house, does he have this, does he have xyz? And if he does, then he's marriage material. Right, but nobody really goes into detail to explain. What does marriage material actually look like? What does it mean to be marriage material? So there are basically two parts that we define as marriage material. Number one, intentional self-growth, to become a better version of yourself, for yourself and for your spouse. And number two, understanding the needs of the opposite gender. I feel like this one often times gets swept under the rug. We just take for granted what the that we know what the needs are of the opposite gender, but we really do need to take the time to understand. What is it that guys and girls are looking for?

Speaker 2:

and embody that, and embody that for sure. So for men, what are men looking for?

Speaker 1:

men, somebody number one, somebody who embraces their femininity. You said this before Nobody wants to marry a CEO, right? Because the guy wants to be the CEO of the home, right? So they can't have two captains running the ship. Communication number two. Three, somebody who's going to be their right-hand person, who's going to be a means of support for them, a peace of mind for them. And, lastly, I would say, somebody who invests in their health. Of course, women have to bear children. They take on a lot of responsibilities at home, so they need to take care of themselves. And what are girls looking for?

Speaker 2:

Well, we see it on the registration forms all the time. They're looking for a leader, somebody who can lead, who can make decisions and who has self-confidence. Also, somebody who takes care of their hygiene and their health, of course, someone who's independent, not a mama's boy. Emotionally intelligent Of course communication, all of that. Actually there was a Mel Gibson movie. It's called what Women Want, not a mama's boy, emotionally intelligent. Of course communication, all of that. Actually there was a mill gibson movie. It's called what women want yeah, yeah, it's a.

Speaker 2:

It's a very good movie. It gives you an inside peek on how men think. What men think they know about women and if they had the opportunity to actually know what women are thinking is completely different yeah, yeah it is.

Speaker 1:

It's a funny movie. So we talked about becoming embodiment of the needs of the opposite gender, but how can we go about doing that?

Speaker 2:

you start with self-reflection okay so, first of all, before we talk about what women want and what men want, if we're talking about marriage, what is your motivation for marriage? Right.

Speaker 1:

Are you intrinsically motivated or extrinsically motivated? Intrinsic motivation looks like what.

Speaker 2:

Intrinsic, as I want to have a companion, a life partner. I don't want to grow old alone, I want to start a family.

Speaker 1:

Satisfy my desires, my desires. I want to experience love and romance in a way that's pleasing to Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala yeah, and then extrinsic could be immigration parents pressuring me fear of missing out, because all my friends are getting married and starting families.

Speaker 2:

A girl who wants somebody to financially take care of her, and that's the only reason right so these are not great reasons to get married, and reflecting on your motivation is very important because it will steer the conversations you have with the other person. It will steer the decisions you make and it could make you make right or wrong decisions yeah.

Speaker 1:

So ask yourself an important question am I in a place where I can share my life with someone? Um, and there are very practical steps you can take for self-reflection. Number one, which is also very therapeutic, is journaling. What do you think a good spouse looks like and how do you measure up? You could ask uh further questions like um, how do you envision your life post-marriage? Yeah, um when I say questions meaning questions to yourself when you envision your life post-marriage. Yeah, when I say questions meaning questions to yourself when you're journaling.

Speaker 2:

Of course, identifying your deal breakers, which is very important. We've dedicated an entire episode to this topic.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you should check out that episode. Mm-hmm. So, lastly, ask for feedback. Talk to your parents, talk to your closest friends, people who know you very well and can give you some honest advice about areas that you need to improve upon to get yourself ready for marriage.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so we said step number one is self-reflection. Step number two would be identifying essential qualities in a spouse and cultivating these qualities.

Speaker 1:

Right, so you can become a magnet Right and that, once you are, your aura carries these qualities. People are just going to come flocking to you.

Speaker 2:

Inshallah Aura that reminds me of Phoebe. Let me cleanse your aura.

Speaker 1:

No, my aura doesn't need cleansing.

Speaker 2:

Okay, number one would be Spiritual readiness. How is your connection with Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala?

Speaker 1:

Are you fasting? Are you praying consistently? Are you doing the basic far and maybe even going a little above and beyond that? To develop a close relationship, exactly.

Speaker 2:

And also grow in your spirituality. Beyond the rituals, do you have a relationship with Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala? Do you have gratitude? Do you turn back to him in time of need? Your relationship with Allah will set the tone for your relationship with your spouse. Let's say, for example, you don't have gratitude to Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, you won't have gratitude to your spouse, right? You won't appreciate the things they do.

Speaker 1:

Are you somebody who brings baraka into a home, or are you someone who brings chaos? Yeah, that's a good question to ask yourself, um. The next point is emotional maturity. Um, we were talking a little bit about this, and one way to assess that is, um, looking at the relationship the person has with their, or looking at the relationship you have with your parents. Parents can get very challenging and difficult to deal with in their old age. Oh yeah.

Speaker 1:

So when you're in your 20s, developing that patience and empathy and understanding will show when you know, especially during the courting phase.

Speaker 2:

Under emotional maturity, there's vulnerability. Do you, are you comfortable with being vulnerable or do you shut down? Are you, do you admit your mistakes or you start blaming circumstances and other people? When somebody confronts you with something you did or you said, do you get defensive or do you accept that criticism and use it to improve yourself and work on yourself? Right, because marriage life is going to be full of conflicts and disagreements and arguments, and there's nothing wrong with that. That's how it should be right. So prepare yourself for all of that before you get married. So when you get married, you're not setting yourself up for disappointments and just heartache and problems.

Speaker 1:

Right, and you can build resilience by learning to have tough conversations with family and friends. The next one is financial responsibility. Are you somebody who is taking care of financially? Is mom and dad paying for your phone bill and your, your car bill and your gas bill, or are you taking steps to manage your own expenses?

Speaker 2:

and it doesn't matter how much you're making. It's about budgeting and just having basic financial skills, like do you budget, for example? Do you have saving skills? Or you just I don't know go on shopping sprees when you don't have money in the account to cover it? Um, transparency, um, like you should be comfortable being transparent with your potential spouse about your debts, about your financial obligations, early in the process. Um, what else can you say about financial readiness?

Speaker 1:

The aim is not perfection, right. Nobody is saying that you need to have a certain amount of savings and that you are an expert in budgeting or anything, but that you're taking steps right, that you're managing your expenses, maybe even getting your own place and paying for rent. So all of these will go a long way in developing some sort of maturity for marriage.

Speaker 2:

And the same applies for the points mentioned before, in terms of your relationship with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, you're not.

Speaker 1:

You're not a 10. You're not a 10. Nobody's a 10.

Speaker 2:

Yeah yeah, we're always working to grow in that aspect. Right, but the thing is that you are working on it, you're not just comfortable with where you are right now.

Speaker 1:

Right. There is no need to be a 10 out of 10 on spirituality, emotional maturity, financial responsibility. That's impossible, but you can take steps to improve that. Remember the famous hadith where the most beloved actions to allah are the ones that are small but consistent, right and um and allah will put barakah on your life when, when you start taking those small steps what about life skills?

Speaker 1:

life skills. Yeah, I feel like this one does not get enough attention. We, we've adopted this mentality where we can approach marriage just like our parents. Right, we talk about this in our workshop too, uh, where, with guides especially, you know, I don't need to learn how to cook, I don't need to learn how to uh take care of my, of my apartment or or clean up or anything, but, yes, you do, okay, because we cannot approach marriage the same way our parents did.

Speaker 2:

So learn how to fry an egg, learn how to cook a basic meal, learn how to clean your place and make it welcoming and inviting for for your spouse, and, uh, you will definitely, definitely win points even actually we had some girls in their mid-30s and they don't know how to cook like no one's martha stewart or gordon ramsay but at least you get to a point where you don't have to eat out every single day yeah, and our dean doesn't like outline responsibilities and say this is relegated to women and this you don't have to eat out every single day.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and our deen doesn't outline responsibilities and say this is relegated to women and this is relegated to men.

Speaker 2:

That's not how our deen works.

Speaker 1:

And remember in the famous hadith where she said Prophet was in service to his family. He stitched his own clothes and milked his own goat. Right. And lastly, communication skills.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, are you an active listener? When you're talking to somebody, are you listening to what they're saying or you're just waiting for them to finish so you can say your opinion? Because, at the end of the day, you're marrying someone, you're going to have conversations with them. You're going to have discussions with with them, disagreements with them. So are you just gonna be waiting for her to finish talking and making her point, or you're gonna be listening and trying to understand where she's coming from? Same thing, same goes for women as well. Um, how do you express your feelings? Do you express them in a clear way or in a defensive way? If you're hurt, do you try start by blaming the other person? You always do this. You always ignore me or you simply express how you feel, clearly and respectfully. I feel hurt, I feel ignored, I feel disrespected. It makes a huge difference.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

What are some practical steps we can take to commit to self-growth?

Speaker 1:

So we mentioned this a lot in our workshop, and the thing that's become very much common and available in the past five years, I would say, are premarital training programs. Nikah Masterclass is a wonderful program, there's also Sohba Institute that does premarital training, and there's so much more on the internet.

Speaker 2:

So many free resources, honestly, so many free resources.

Speaker 1:

But just remember that when we talk about getting ready for marriage and it's not the fun part of you know the wedding dress and the halls and all that stuff and it's not even just the questions the questions are a big part, but it starts with yourself Right, preparing yourself, understanding the areas that you need to grow, understanding the areas that need some development and maturity. Um, so, yeah, take a course on islamic marriage. Uh, learning how to deal with stress or difficult situations. Also, um, seek mentors. Talk to people who have been happily married, who are thriving in their marriage. Um, whether it's best friends, uh, if your parents have a healthy marriage and relationship, seek guidance from them. And lastly, your health. Invest in your physical and mental health. It doesn't even necessarily have to be going to the gym. Just buy a cheap yoga mat. There's so many things you can do off YouTube and just follow along YouTube, I'm sorry yoga instructors, fitness coaches. There's a million things you can do that are just for free.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, take care of your diet as well. Take care of your mental health, Like address any unresolved traumas or habits that you have. Just last week, we had a trauma expert, Hannah Al-Asri, and we discussed the topic of trauma and how to deal with trauma when seeking marriage, and we ourselves we learned a lot. So we recommend you go back and listen to that episode. And the most important thing is, like we said in all of this, all the points we discuss is to avoid the trap of perfection yeah, you're not perfect.

Speaker 1:

The person you're going to marry is not perfect, but you are at a stage, hopefully, where you are working towards becoming a 10. Yeah, right, that's all we can do. Just keep working and working on ourselves so that we are and actually, hannah al-Asri actually said this that when your proposal comes, you want to be in a state of preparedness, right To receive that gift that Allah is giving you, right. You don't want to be in a state of desperation.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so use that time, the singlehood days. Use them to prepare yourself and be the best version of yourself.

Speaker 1:

Alright.

Speaker 2:

Until next time Assalamualaikum.