Diary of a Matchmaker
Getting married is tough for the vast majority of Muslims in the West. We know because we’ve been there. My (Zaid) journey spanned nearly nine years. It was filled with rejections and self-doubt. While I (Hiba) didn't know there was a journey to be on in the first place. After we got married we decided to create something different to help single Muslims complete their deen. And so our matchmaking service Halal Match was born.
After a few years of interviewing singles, a friend suggested we journal our stories. We tweaked that idea and turned it into a podcast. In ‘Diary of a Matchmaker’ we’ll take you through this unfamiliar world of matchmaking. We’ll share our stories, experiences, and much more. So say Bismillah and tune in.
Do you have a story to share? Email us at: info@halalmatch.ca
Diary of a Matchmaker
Marriage Leadership: What Men Get Wrong
What does it mean to lead in a marriage? For men, it’s not about being bossy; it’s about responsibility, humility, and knowing when to step up. For women, it’s about recognizing those qualities before you commit.
In this episode, we explore the Prophet's leadership in his family and how it sets the gold standard for modern Muslim marriages. We’ll talk about what real leadership looks like, beyond the big speeches and fancy words, and how it’s built on trust, communication, and action.
Whether you're wondering how to lead or what to look for in a leader, this episode offers practical tips, relatable stories, and plenty of insights to help you navigate marriage with intention. Tune in and join the conversation.
Imagine a man says I'll lead the family, but he can't even lead himself to fold his laundry. Leadership in marriage For men, we're talking how to embody real leadership, and for women, how to spot it. Before you say I do, let's dig in.
Speaker 2:Assalamualaikum, I'm Hiba.
Speaker 1:And I'm Zaid.
Speaker 2:You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 1:A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.
Speaker 2:We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.
Speaker 1:So let's dive in. Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode. My name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host Hiba.
Speaker 2:Assalamu alaikum.
Speaker 1:When I was trying to get married, my primary focus at the time was the basic things A stable job, getting my own place, making sure that you know I could afford whatever may come around. But the thing that obviously I wasn't thinking much about, and I feel like most guys don't think much about, is this idea of leadership. Like what is it? How can I become a leader? What does it mean? And when you think leader, you think of like Gladiator or you think of like movies and people, just.
Speaker 2:Maximus.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're charging in battle, leading your troops, but that's not exactly how leadership comes about when we talk marriage. Right, leadership has many forms. So when I eventually got married and we lived apart for about 14 months because of COVID, then I understood, or I began to understand a bit more this idea of leadership and what it means. And then, especially when I became a matchmaker, I would see it a lot on forms. Girls would constantly either hint at it or sometimes directly state on their form that I want somebody who I can respect as my emir, who I can look up to, who has certain leadership qualities. So in this episode we're gonna discuss that, this one topic that gets usually swept under the rug. What is leadership? How did the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam embody that? What are some examples from the seerah that we can take from and use to prepare ourselves for marriage?
Speaker 2:I would say it's not swept under the rug. I would say it's ignored or like people are not even aware of it yeah, that's a better way to put it, for sure.
Speaker 1:Uh, so the first quality that stands out to us is consulting with your wife. Um, there's a famous story, if you haven't heard of it, within the story of the treaty of hudaybah. It's a very long story, where the Prophet and his companions were marching from Medina to Mecca with the intention of performing Umrah. They got stopped. They went back and forth with the Quraysh of Mecca and eventually, in the end, a treaty was formed. And the treaty at the time felt a bit demoralizing and depressing for the companions, because they felt that they had lost and that they were humiliated. But at the time they couldn't see the wisdom behind it and of course, allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala had a plan for them. And so when the treaty was all wrapped up, actually, the main condition of the treaty and why they felt defeated was that they were not allowed to perform Umrah that year and instead it would be delayed one year and there were other conditions that made them feel pretty depressed.
Speaker 1:So when the treaty was wrapped up, the Prophet instructed his companions to remove their ihram, shave their heads and march back to Medina. But the companions not out of disobedience but more out of their depressed state and shock. They didn't obey his command. It's one of the very few times in the seerah where the companions didn't obey his command and the Prophet repeated that command three times and then he gave up, went into his tent, confided in his wife, umm Salamah, and Umm Salamah gave him some sincere advice and said why don't you go out? Shave your head in front of the companions and they'll immediately follow suit. And he did that and immediately happened.
Speaker 1:The important thing to note is that, especially for guys, when you are mentally preparing yourself for marriage, that understand that, even though you're going to be the emir, you're going to be the qawwam and maintainer and caretaker of your wife, that you will not have all the answers, that you will hit a wall. And it is not beneath you, it is not degrading or humiliating for you to ask your wife what the answer is, what the solution to a problem is.
Speaker 2:You might be surprised.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's part of the seerah. It's something that the Prophet clearly demonstrated and is preserved for a reason for us to take example from. So the question is what lesson can a wife take from this? Or a girl that's looking to get married? I think the main thing to look for is, most importantly, taking advantage of the courting phase. If you're talking to a guy, there are certain ways to assess If he has that quality. Is he listening more than he's talking? Is he taking heed to your advice, your opinions, or is he dominating the conversation?
Speaker 2:Is he trying to see things from your perspective?
Speaker 1:Yes, or is his ego and pride guiding the conversation? I feel like you mentioned this a lot with Arab men right, that they have this sense of bravado and ego and like something as simple as even taking out the trash is beneath an arab man yes, right, any arab listeners.
Speaker 1:Don't hate me yeah, so remember, there's no pride, there's no ego when it comes to marriage, and we'll talk a little bit about humility in the next quality. But, um, yeah, try to look for these especially, and there's a whole episode we can dedicate to halal courtship and what is halal courting. But there are ways you can assess whether or not he will give you the respect that you deserve and whether or not he'll respect your opinion, because that is important.
Speaker 2:The second quality is humility, and service is humility and service. There's a beautiful hadith narrated by aisha and mentioned in, where she said that the prophet alaihissalat wasalam, he was in service of his family, he used to stitch his own clothes, milk his own goat and he would do work around the house just like any one of you would do work around the house, and he was the prophet with the biggest responsibility to ever exist. So I guess if the prophet alayhi salat was doing that, then who are we to just think that taking out the trash is beneath us or I don't know.
Speaker 1:Helping our wife in some chores is not manly enough right, and a way to assess that, when you're in the courting phase, is whether or not the guy is applying a very cultural mindset when it comes to marriage, because, culturally speaking, whether you're desi or arab, I think we can both agree that you know it's expected that the guy, or that the husband, will not be contributing around the home and that these are mostly women's responsibilities.
Speaker 2:Right, we're not even talking contributing like just moving your plate after you're done eating. A lot of guys don't do that even.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:So it's probably just a matter of habit, but yeah, so I guess if you are a guy, start learning these skills before you get married.
Speaker 1:Just know how to fix yourself a meal, do your own laundry, just do things around the house, so you don't have to fully depend on your wife, because she's going to have her own responsibilities and work as well right and, most importantly, connect with with the seerah, with with your faith, and understand that, just like this hadith mentions, it is part of our tradition that men do these things around the home and that they are not reserved for the wife.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like we're not saying like come back from work and immediately start I don't know mopping the floors. But, every once in a while your wife gets overwhelmed. Maybe she's sick. Then there's nothing wrong with helping out. And for the ladies listening, if you're in the courting phase and you're talking to the guy, try to see does he do work around the house, or does his mommy still I don't know prepares his breakfast and makes his own bed right? So try to find ways to see how he handles himself at home.
Speaker 1:Humility is something that's replete all throughout this year, where the Prophet demonstrated it amongst his companions and with his wives.
Speaker 1:In multiple cases, the Prophet did shura with his companions, and shura is basically consultation, where he consulted with his companions on what to do in different situations.
Speaker 1:And in the battle of khandaq, he realized that they were going to be attacked by several tribes. So he consulted with his companions and, by the suggestion of Salman al-Farsi, the Prophet decided to dig a trench along with his companions, and the beautiful thing was that literally not even metaphorically he was in the trenches, digging away day and night, and this huge project I guess you could call it took about 10 days, and it was literally 24-7. Certain companions were patrolling to safeguard the area. The Prophet and other companions were digging away, and one of the companions narrated that the Prophet was working so hard in the trenches that his entire chest area was covered in dust. And then, at one point, his shirt got lifted too, and it was known that there was a major food shortage at the time. And when his shirt got lifted, the companion also noticed that he had a stone tied to his stomach to deal with the pangs of hunger.
Speaker 2:That's literally leading by example, exactly.
Speaker 1:When it comes to humility, there are different ways of demonstrating that and different ways of assessing that. Also, is he constantly talking about his income, about the things that he's achieved in life? That and different ways of assessing that also, is he constantly talking about his income, about the things that he's achieved in life, or does he mention his achievements with a sense of humility?
Speaker 2:and maybe great gratefulness to allah gratefulness to allah.
Speaker 1:Is he the type that is um, that expects certain tasks around the home, whether it's changing a child's diaper, whatever it might be is beneath him or is he the type that will also jump in and contribute and do those things too?
Speaker 2:Is he the kind to apologize after making a mistake or saying something wrong, or is it too difficult for him to say I'm sorry, right.
Speaker 1:Like I said, it all comes back to the courting phase. Make sure that you take the time to assess these important things, and they can easily be weaved into questions too. Uh, the next quality that really stands out to us is patience. Patience is a no-brainer. Everybody talks about patience, for sure, and um and this goes for guys and girls, right mostly guys mostly guys, sure, if you, if you want to say that.
Speaker 1:But there's so many stories in the seerah, but there's one beautiful story that stands out, um regarding aisha radiallahu anha yeah, so aisha, radiallahu anha, was known to be a bad cook, and it's not an insult or anything. This is a fact. It's just documented in the seerah.
Speaker 2:And one day, when the Prophet was sitting in her home and there were even companions sitting there another one of his wives sent some food and Aisha smashed the plate because she got jealous right, and the food just spilled everywhere. So imagine what the Prophet peace be upon him did. He started collecting the pieces of the plate and he said your mother became jealous and he just asked her to replace that plate that she broke. That's it.
Speaker 1:No fights, no, no screaming, no slapping nothing right now we don't want to mention these examples as if, like the prophet, is this figure and person that we can't take examples from and we can't implement, because, you know, these, these examples are preserved for us for a reason right, and there are certain takeaways we can take from this, and obviously the Prophet had a level of patience that is unmatched. We can never match that, but we can at least strive towards it and make steps towards bettering ourselves, and I'll give you guys a perfect example Almost every episode we record for you guys involves me just losing it because I keep screwing up.
Speaker 2:I have very high standards and I guess I don't let things go.
Speaker 1:We end up repeating a lot of things, so it's not easy recording these episodes, and I lose my temper a lot, and so this advice isn't just for you guys, it's for me also that I need to work on my patients, and it's an ongoing process. You know it's not a switch.
Speaker 2:So if you're a girl in the courting phase and you're talking to this guy, notice does he lose his temper quite often. Does he just erupt suddenly over the smallest things, or does he take time to think, calm down?
Speaker 1:Because I think, to be honest, that's a bit unrealistic. I think guys put on their best face when they're in the courting phase.
Speaker 2:But if somebody has a temper, they can only hold it so much. I guess, yeah, yeah, because if you think the courting phase is stressful, then wait until you get married, and I'm not saying that marriage itself is stressful, but just life happens and financial problems happen, in-law problems, children.
Speaker 1:And we're not here to give marriage advice. We've only been married a few years, but we are here to advise you guys on how to prepare yourself for marriage, because we've been there.
Speaker 2:Start practicing patience through practical steps, like I don't know, maybe counting to five or counting to ten, before saying something you think you might regret, try to see the things from the other person's perspective right, because they might be seeing it completely different from how you're seeing it. Give each other the benefit of the doubt.
Speaker 1:All of these beautiful qualities helps in developing patience yeah, and it's also worth mentioning that if, as a girl, if you are looking to marry somebody who's going to be the mirror of your home, and if you're assessing these qualities, you also have to give him space to be a leader, and there's many different ways you can do that. Number one not undermining. Guys are going to screw up left and right. I screw up every day.
Speaker 2:It's not that bad.
Speaker 1:I screw up a lot. If a guy isn't given the space to learn from his mistakes and instead he's going to be undermined and reminded of his mistakes, then you're going to start attacking his pride and not allow him to be the leader he wants to be. Being a leader naturally comes with a sense of pride. And responsibility, and responsibility and you want to, like I said, give him the space to be that person.
Speaker 2:Show him that you have faith in him.
Speaker 2:You have faith in his decisions and even if he ends up making a mistake as long as we're not talking about huge things like I don't know he ends up gambling all your savings or something like that if we're not talking about haram things, crucial things then that's okay. He's gonna make mistakes and he's gonna learn from them and if you support him throughout his mistakes, he's going to even grow to love you and appreciate you even more. So this was just like a quick taste of what is leadership and how to implement it and how to spot it, but there's a lot more that can be said about that and maybe in the future we, inshallah, will host a scholar who's going to give us even more insights on leadership and practical ways. So we hope, inshallah, you found something beneficial in this episode that you can implement and take on your journey to marriage. Inshallah, May Allah make your journey easy and fruitful and we will see you next episode.
Speaker 1:Assalamu alaikum.