Diary of a Matchmaker

Is Social Media Ruining Our Marriage Expectations?

• Halal Match • Episode 48

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Today we're spilling the tea on how social media is turning our brains into mush when it comes to marriage expectations. From scrolling through picture-perfect weddings to comparing our own love lives to influencer highlight reels. We’ve all been there, feeling FOMO because your friend’s husband just bought her a Ferrari, while you’re getting excited about a new couch. Whether you’re married or still in the "single and scrolling" phase, we get into how social media makes us rush into things or feel like our lives just aren’t up to par. So, if you’ve ever wondered why your marriage doesn’t look like an Instagram post or felt like you’re missing out on a hashtag-worthy moment, tune in! It’s time to laugh, reflect, and hopefully put the phone down for a second.

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Speaker 1:

A friend told me the other day when it's my time I want my husband to propose to me in a helicopter flying over the Toronto skyline. I asked her where did you get this idea from? She said Instagram. Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.

Speaker 2:

And I'm Zaid.

Speaker 1:

You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 2:

A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 1:

We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 2:

So let's dive in Bismillah.

Speaker 1:

Assalamu alaikum everyone. Welcome to another episode. My name is Hiba and on the other mic is my husband and co-host, zaid. Assalamu alaikum. So, guys, this was actually a real conversation that took place, and I was baffled when I heard this. I was like is this person detached from reality, or is this something that most girls think is out there and should be the norm?

Speaker 2:

I wasn't too surprised because this girl is a family friend and she's young and I can tell she's naive and a bit inexperienced, so I wasn't too surprised when I saw that. But it just reminded me of the influence that social media has on expectations and it's not too far off from what we hear when we interview clients. And it just reminds us that when we start searching for marriage, social media does play a big part, whether it's the expectations like in the story you shared, in proposals, meher, physical expectations the list goes on and on.

Speaker 1:

So let's talk a little bit about the expectations when it comes to proposals and wedding trends but you know before that this challenge or this thing with social media actually, like we were saved from that in our generation even though we're not that old, by the way but in our generation and the previous generation it wasn't something to be concerned about.

Speaker 2:

I mean instagram and facebook, and everything was still around when we were talking it's not like it was okay. So I guess the previous generation the previous generation was safe from that and um but what was the equivalent for them? For them. It was probably what their first cousin did, or what what the? Person down the street did like oh, that person proposed uh on a white horse. Or this person gave a fifty thousand dollar marriage, right? I mean, you mentioned that a lot in arab culture, right? Where marriage is all about a lot of.

Speaker 1:

It's become comparison yes, unfortunately, yeah, but you know what actually? You know, in our neighborhood we had a girl who um not as a proposal, but we call it tala like when her husband came to take her from her parents house, like to do the wedding itself, he came, uh, in a helicopter wow, yeah, what do you guys call it um like the, the last time the girl is at her parents house and she leaves city.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah yeah, so he did it in a helicopter wow and actually back then there was no Instagram, so I wonder where this idea was inspired from. But that's besides the point. Yeah, let's dive in then.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so proposals and wedding trends. We already mentioned one where people see these clips on social media and they think, oh man, like clips, like clips, like you know, someone proposing on a helicopter, somebody coming on a white horse. Um, what else do we see on social media?

Speaker 1:

uh, these instagrammable pictures, I don't know. They're like on the top of a mountain and he kneels or um what else, like in a match, and suddenly it's on the screen. Would you marry me? Or maybe this is more of an unmuslim thing, right?

Speaker 2:

I think it's kind of seeped into muslims, muslim culture also yeah um, but it just reminds me I actually never formally proposed to you I never did. It was just kind of an understanding we had a mutual understanding, like, yeah, we're compatible, we have many of the same values, we like each other, let's just make this work. And then we met and we got married.

Speaker 1:

That was it I remember when you showed me the ring, we were at this. Uh, what was it? Waffle house or something?

Speaker 2:

yeah, yeah, yeah it was.

Speaker 1:

I think it was waffle house yeah, you showed me the ring and I think you said something like oh, should I get on my knee, or something, but by then we had already agreed like we're getting married, I'm like I'm not doing this, so it's needless to say the important things isn't the proposal, it's not like the fancy helicopter, the location of the proposal, I mean, of course, these make for great stories for your kids and grandkids no doubt for a picture or for a picture yeah, they're great, but um, don't that.

Speaker 2:

Don't make that the primary expectation, that if he doesn't propose to me this way, he's not romantic or he's not worth it yeah right also to understand that. You know, social media has its way of putting filters on expectations with guys, the six packs, the, the flawless uh, beard right like each hair is in its bright place right, or the girl wearing the hijab with the perfect folds and the pins are in the right place and there's not a single strand of hair exposed any hijabi girl out there knows this is not real life.

Speaker 1:

It takes us what, how, how long to put on the hijab and we leave and we're not happy with it anyway.

Speaker 2:

Right. Or the guy you know driving up in a nice car, he's working the beautiful office job and he has the corner office.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, right Like come on Harvey's office, the corner office, harvey's office.

Speaker 2:

From Suits Suits yeah. Yeah, so remember this is social media. This is not real life.

Speaker 1:

Hey, if you have a story to tell, we'd love to have you on here. You'll find a safe space of listeners who can understand what you're going through. Just shoot us an email with a summary of your story at info at halalmatchca.

Speaker 2:

I think people have become aware that there is this celebrity culture surrounding sheikhs. That sheikhs I mean to no fault of their own, like mashallah, like we have wonderful sheikhs here in the West, they're doing great work.

Speaker 2:

But, what's happening is that our kind of naivete is putting these sheikhs up on a pedestal and failing to realize that they are human beings. And now we're forming this celebrity culture where we think, oh my god, sheikh. So and so is coming, I have to buy this thousand dollar ticket so I can get front row seats and watch him say bismillah and like I'm going to be mesmerized. Like there are human beings, they, uh yes, it's important that we gain wisdom from them give them respect give them respect, but we also um not praise them to the point where we think that they're not human beings.

Speaker 2:

So how does that tie into this? Because when we start idealizing sheikhs, when we start putting them on a pedestal, it it does, in a way, start creeping into our religious expectations of a spouse Right that we think so-and-so. Sheikh has a fistful beard.

Speaker 1:

He speaks a nice Arabic Right.

Speaker 2:

And this is what piety looks like. And if I don't find a spouse that meets these expectations of such and such sheikh maybe unintentionally then this person is not good enough for marriage this is especially crucial for girls, because us women us women, we are more attracted to um like a guy's wisdom, his style of speech, his intelligence.

Speaker 1:

We're in.

Speaker 2:

We're attracted to that more than looks right, and I saw that in a case.

Speaker 1:

Actually, yeah, uh, with a young girl yeah, yeah, I remember us girls were more susceptible to thinking that this is how a husband should be, and if I can't find this, then this man is not fit enough to be my husband, exactly.

Speaker 2:

And remember that what you're seeing on Instagram these customized clips of you know, talking about sheikhs giving that 30-second speech and giving their words of wisdom this is a result of an algorithm pushing certain content that is feeding your thirst for religious knowledge.

Speaker 1:

And that's great actually, and that's a good thing, yeah.

Speaker 2:

That's great, but understand that this is a result of an algorithm, right, and so the question to be asking yourself is are your expectations yours, or are they what the algorithm wants you to see?

Speaker 1:

Right, right, that's a very important question to ask. This is not the average man, by the way. These are like the. You could say elite, not in the negative way, not in the negative sense, but the, the cream of the crop in terms of knowledge dean.

Speaker 2:

These are people who have studied for 10, 15 years, people who have given speeches after speeches, who have tons and tons of experience, so they've reached a certain level after some time and um and this is not the average man exactly.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so just keep that in mind. Uh, I think that what men might be susceptible to thinking what should be a perfect wife is the muslim influencers that you see where they're doing, I don't know lifestyle influencers, like you said, with their perfect hijab, perfect skin, perfect body, showing their skincare routine. Uh, I don't know perfect cakes. They can make all of that and they think this is the average girl and this, uh, this is what I should find in a wife, when, in reality, these reels take forever to make oh yeah you have filters.

Speaker 1:

You have I don't know, editing music that perfect hijab. You're seeing that flawless skin. That's not the average girl.

Speaker 2:

We've dedicated an episode prior to the importance of core values, what they are, how you can figure those out and the importance of using them as your guiding compass. Now, the constant consumption of social media does have a tendency to replace your core values or overtake them to a certain extent, so it's important that when you are on social media, you're able to detach the two. Now realize this is these are curated clips, filtered clips, but my core values are what I'm going to use as my guiding compass when I search for a spouse. Social media also has a way of making marriage look like it's formulaic. What I mean by that is and I saw this on a clip recently that led to a very heated conversation between us where the girl was commenting on a brother's comments about how you want to find a wife who will start from zero, who will drive with you in that 20-year-old car, who will live in that one studio apartment with cockroaches, and the point that he was making is that you want to grow with somebody.

Speaker 1:

Because this is a sign of love. If they can, they're willing to sacrifice. They're willing to sacrifice and grow with you. This means they really love you and are going to stick by you, Right? This is what he said.

Speaker 2:

And so what the sister's comment was to this is that if you're in your late 20s or your early 30s, a girl is looking for somebody who's already stable, who's already reached a certain point financially, probably has a 401k, has some savings and has a good car and is not at that stage yet. Now the problem I have with that and I disagree 110%, the problem I have with that is because life is not a set formula, right? Not everybody finishes undergrad, goes to grad school, finishes grad school, gets the perfect job and, boom, they're 30 years old and they have their career, they have their 401k and they have their career, they have the 401k, they have their savings and they're at the stage that this, like the sister, is describing.

Speaker 2:

It doesn't work like that for everybody. Some people have to relocate, start over, some people have to deal with not getting accepted to grad school, some people are starting entrepreneurship, and so they're making sacrifices so that they can do something for themselves. Everybody is at a different stage in life, but the important thing is is that, are you willing to sacrifice, or not necessarily sacrifice, but be a means of support right? Is your main criteria financial stability or is it something else? And also, most likely, as a sister, you're probably going to be earning yourself too, so you're most likely going to be contributing.

Speaker 2:

The point is is that don't allow social media to set these arbitrary expectations of marriage. Where you know this person that you saw on social media mashallah, he's in his late 20s, he has a well-paying job, he's earning six figures, he's driving a nice car and if the person I'm talking to doesn't meet this kind of criteria that I saw on social media, then he's not qualified for marriage. Every guy and I know I'm specifically talking about guys every guy's at a different stage in their life, and the most important thing you're looking for is whether or not he's working towards something right, whether or not he has independence, maturity, emotional intelligence. These are important things that you can't put a price on, and we've discussed that in previous episodes.

Speaker 1:

Also something else we should take with a grain of salt when talking about social media, the advice we see on social media, like don't just um blindly accept everything. You hear every advice. You hear even the advice we're getting like let it pass through a filter, think about it, process it.

Speaker 2:

Maybe you disagree maybe it might not work for you exactly. Yeah um.

Speaker 1:

So on social media, like there are a lot of accounts, uh, professionals, coaches, mentors, and some have great advice. But sometimes, like you hear something and it doesn't sit well with you. So just because the person who said it has a long beard and they're famous, it doesn't mean that just accept it blindly. Just Just the other day we saw a clip of what looked to be a sheikh who was giving advice on what to disclose before marriage, what sins not to disclose, and he was saying that you are under no obligation to share if you had premarital sex and if you are asked, you are entitled to lie unless there is an STd or an sti, and this definitely and he even said that even if the sister has like a big unattractive mole on her back, she doesn't need to disclose it yeah, so that's the part I disagreed on and even he said that if the brother like doesn't like it, sees it after.

Speaker 1:

If the brother doesn't like it, sees it after marriage and he doesn't like it. This is not grounds to nullify the marriage and it didn't sit well with me.

Speaker 2:

So I mean we're not criticizing the Shaykh. Much respect to the brother. Whether he was a Shaykh, we're not sure. The point that we're trying to drive home is to take everything you consume from social media and put it through a filter in your head and check does it align with your values? Does it go in line with the Quran and Sunnah?

Speaker 1:

Does it make sense?

Speaker 2:

Does it make sense?

Speaker 1:

Sometimes you can just hear something and you immediately feel, no, this is not right.

Speaker 2:

Or that hadith I think it was a hadith that um habib kanday said like consult with your heart yeah, is that the right phrase?

Speaker 1:

yeah, seek fatwa from your heart, even if other people give you fatwa correct? Uh, let's talk about comparison culture that's a big one with social media oh yeah, I think that's kind of the known problem with social media, that everybody knows.

Speaker 2:

And it's a problem whether you're married or you're not married, because you see that and you think, man, I have to have this or I have to have that, even if you can't afford it, right, even if it's going to be a burden for your spouse. So there's not much to discuss here. When it comes to a comparison culture, I think the question to ask yourself is are you genuinely unhappy with your situation or are you comparing it to someone else's highlight reel?

Speaker 1:

Even in the context of singlehood. Are you genuinely unhappy with being single? Or because you're seeing all these reels and pictures of happily married couples, and proposals and weddings and all of that it makes you feel like I need to get married now, fomo, I'm unhappy, yeah, fomo.

Speaker 2:

To be honest, I started my search. During that stage I saw a lot of my friends getting married Some of them are having kids and I felt a little bit of FOMO.

Speaker 2:

I didn't want to miss out and I thought I want to get married. So I started my search and because of that it was a great learning experience. I didn't get married because during the process I realized that I needed time to figure out my life, to get settled, to figure out my core values. I was rushing into things. I was close to settling for somebody that I knew was physically unattractive to me. And I was just making some wrong decisions.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, even Maher, like some people, even they post about their Maher. Oh, he gave me I don't know two blocks of gold. He gave me a car, my Maher was a Ferrari, my Maher was, I don't know two blocks of gold. He gave me a car. My maher was a Ferrari, my maher was I don't know this, that, uh, our honeymoon was here he was um, maher was hajj and a ring.

Speaker 2:

That's it cheap. Yeah, I'm so cheap, um, but I wanted to mention a clip that we saw the other day that you actually showed to me, uh where a Palestinian prisoner that was released was reunited with his wife after 22 years and he had a ritual where he would go out to the garden grab a rose and give it, to give it to his wife, uh, every morning, right yeah, and she would make his coffee and they would sit together and have their coffee and that's beautiful to see and and I loved seeing that.

Speaker 2:

But don't consume that and think, oh my god, my husband's not going to do this for me every morning, if we're not going to have a rose garden and if he's not going to come give me a rose.

Speaker 1:

This he's a horrible husband I want to wake up with a rose next to my pillow every single day, right like these.

Speaker 2:

Things are beautiful and we should aspire to be like that, but don't look at that and place that as your expectation. If you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't know where to seek help, let us help you. We can be your personal matchmakers. Visit us at halalmatchca and book a free call with us. Privacy and oversharing right People, and this does become a problem, especially when you get married. People overshare and we're pretty conscious about this, alhamdulillah.

Speaker 1:

We try to be as much as we can.

Speaker 2:

Yes, and we're very clear that the content that we share, the stories we share, is specifically related to helping people getting married. So if we're out going for a walk, we're not going to say, hey look, everybody we're on a walk, or hey, we're grabbing some falooda today this is what we cook.

Speaker 1:

This is, but you see it like I don't know. Baby revealing, baby sex revealing on social media yeah, um what gender reveal baby gender ultrasounds, giving your mom the news that you're pregnant, moving into a new house.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I mean, this is what influencers do, and they make a living doing these things, so that's their thing.

Speaker 1:

But they don't realize the impact it has on people. Not everyone has enough maturity and confidence to understand that this is social media. This is not real life, or at least not for it can be, and this is how they make their living exactly promoting these this type of content the average person should not consume this and use that as their expectation.

Speaker 2:

we're not social media bashers. We are on social media ourselves. We have to use social media as business owners and social media is a great way to connect with people to grow a business.

Speaker 1:

You may even gain some knowledge, Islamic knowledge.

Speaker 2:

Exactly To get your news. You can do Al Jazeera Live on. Instagram, so it's a tool.

Speaker 1:

you can either use it to build a house or break a house right, and it is important to to find a balance there are some practical things you can make to try and minimize the effect of social media on your life, on your expectations, especially in the context of marriage, and I I'm sure most of these, if not all, you've already heard them from experts. Which is, of course, dedicate time to unplug.

Speaker 2:

Curate your feed intentionally to reflect your values.

Speaker 1:

Right. So if you're following all lifestyle influencers or lifestyle couples, then this is not going to help you in retaining realistic expectations.

Speaker 2:

Mentorship is very important in this process. In a day and age where influencers are everywhere, people are giving advice left and right we want to be very careful about who we're taking advice from.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So, in terms of marriage, seek happily married couples as mentors. Learn from them about what makes a marriage work, how they communicate, how they navigate their differences, their arguments, and use that as an example.

Speaker 2:

One account that I could recommend that we both like is T4Two.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, taf and Victoria, happily, happily married or, from what we can see, mashallah, happily married couple, uh, they both had their own struggles, they both, uh, were previously married, they both had kids before and they found each other and they're helping other couples, other people, in their journey. Yeah, so, yeah, highly recommended. Follow that account, also embracing imperfection. We need to remember we're all human beings. No one is perfect, whether you or the person you're looking to marry. We said this a hundred times before. We're gonna say it again no one's gonna check all your boxes, just like you're not gonna check all their boxes, so that's okay. If they, mashallah, have what it takes to be a good husband, have what it takes to be a good wife, then embrace imperfection so I'm curious to know what box didn't I check?

Speaker 2:

that's a good question, uh I think because no, no, that's a?

Speaker 1:

that's a very good question. I think it's because I didn't have a set formula in my head of this is what I want, right? So it's not like I had an expectation that you didn't meet. I just had a general idea that a person has to be close to the dean of course practicing of these. You could say general things but.

Speaker 1:

I didn't have an expectation that they have to have this uh career or they have to look at a certain way, or they have to be from this ethnicity. So I didn't have boxes per se oh, okay what about me?

Speaker 2:

oh, I knew you were gonna throw the question back at me Honestly, you checked all the boxes that I had in mind, so you remember the three non-negotiables. I had right Ordeal breakers. I'll say them really quick Somebody who had to be respectful and understanding of the arts, somebody who would make time for their physical health, whether it's yoga or going to the gym, in some regard. And the third one, somebody who's looking to grow spiritually. And you check those boxes. Those were my three main boxes and um.

Speaker 2:

I'm flattered and I got more because now I can learn arabic from you. You have a background in sharia, so I can throw questions at you um so I got more than I asked.

Speaker 1:

Spouses with benefits Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. And lastly, constant consumption of social media can erode our gratitude towards Allah's blessings. It can make us feel like I don't have enough. Allah doesn't love me enough. Allah is not happy with me.

Speaker 2:

And the constant need to seek more.

Speaker 1:

To seek more exactly.

Speaker 2:

So remember, if you like, alhamdulillah. If you have a roof over your head, food on the table and clothes on your back, you are better off than the majority of the people in the world, and that's a statistical fact.

Speaker 1:

Yes, yeah.

Speaker 2:

So there we have so much to be grateful for.

Speaker 1:

I mean, you could just open instagram and see what's happening in the middle east and instantly you should feel a sense of gratitude here exactly, yeah, even in terms of marriages themselves, uh, it can make you feel that you're unhappy with your spouse, that you're already married to, that they don't love you enough, they're not romantic enough, like we said, we have so much to be grateful for and realize that if you are married I mean just finding a compatible spouse is hard enough.

Speaker 1:

Yeah Right, we don't need to make it harder, we don't need to make it harder.

Speaker 2:

Be grateful for what you have, and we want to leave you guys with a question actually. Have you felt pressure from social media to meet certain standards in your marriage journey? Do you feel like it's creeped into your personal expectations for marriage?

Speaker 1:

or not Okay, I'd love to read your comments and you can even send us a private mail, fan mail. Email us, and you can even send us a private mail, fan mail. Email us and, like we always say, if you have a story to share your journey to marriage or marriage story, we'd love to hear it. If you want to come as a guest on our podcast, we'd love to have you. Just simply send us an email to info at halalmatchca and we will connect with you.

Speaker 2:

Inshallah, Until next time, as-salamu alaykum As-salamu, alaykum.