Diary of a Matchmaker
Getting married is tough for the vast majority of Muslims in the West. We know because we’ve been there. My (Zaid) journey spanned nearly nine years. It was filled with rejections and self-doubt. While I (Hiba) didn't know there was a journey to be on in the first place. After we got married we decided to create something different to help single Muslims complete their deen. And so our matchmaking service Halal Match was born.
After a few years of interviewing singles, a friend suggested we journal our stories. We tweaked that idea and turned it into a podcast. In ‘Diary of a Matchmaker’ we’ll take you through this unfamiliar world of matchmaking. We’ll share our stories, experiences, and much more. So say Bismillah and tune in.
Do you have a story to share? Email us at: info@halalmatch.ca
Find us on:
Website: https://halalmatch.ca/
Youtube: https://shorturl.at/ywE8N
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/halalmatch.ca/
The Compatibility Challenge on Amazon: https://tinyurl.com/mtdeefsh
#muslimmarriage #muslimpodcast #islamicmarriage #singlemuslim #muslimcouple
Diary of a Matchmaker
Muslim Dating Apps: What No One Tells You
If you’ve ever downloaded a Muslim 'dating' app full of hope, only to find yourself drowning in awkward chats, ghosting, and people who don’t seem to know why they’re there… we get it. It’s exhausting.
In this episode, we’re talking about the real struggles of apps; the disappointments, the confusion, and the moments that make you want to delete them forever. We’re also sharing tips on how to navigate them in a way that actually moves you forward. Because if you’re going to put yourself out there, you deserve to do it in a way that protects your mind, your heart, and your intentions. Tune in and bismillah.
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba. And I'm Zaid, you're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2:A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.
Speaker 1:We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.
Speaker 2:So let's dive in. Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone. Welcome to another episode. My name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host Hiba. Assalamu alaikum, my name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host Hiba.
Speaker 1:Assalamu alaikum.
Speaker 2:So if you are trying to get married and you're early on in your journey or maybe even later on, chances are you probably have one of two apps on your phone, either Salams or Muzmach.
Speaker 2:These are pretty much the two predominant apps out there for Muslim quote-unquote dating. Now I've I admit I have used the apps at some point back when I was searching. I didn't know what was the best service out there. But I do have different feelings now as a professional matchmaker and seeing things from a different lens. So, inshallah, in this episode we're going to try to be as objective as possible, despite the reservations and things and feelings that we have towards apps, but I do want to throw a few things at you.
Speaker 2:Number one the way apps are designed, specifically Muzmach and Salams Salams used to be called Minder at one point, by the way and the way they're designed is that you see a profile, you see a picture. I mean, the picture pretty much takes majority of the screen and at least on Salams you can see their profile, so you can see a little bit more information about them and, based on that, you either swipe left or you swipe right, right, and if you swipe right and the other person swipes right, then hey, there's mutual attraction and interest, and then you can move forward and start communicating.
Speaker 2:Now, objectively speaking, this sounds great right I mean, of course, you want to have some sort of physical attraction to the person before you start speaking to them, otherwise you're just wasting your time. So what's wrong with that kind of approach? Now, the answer to that is a couple of things. These apps are free, so when you have? You were just about to say something.
Speaker 1:I was just going to say I love free.
Speaker 2:Yes, who doesn't love free? Everybody loves free, and that's why there's so many people on these platforms because it is free.
Speaker 1:I think we read today that Muzmach has what? 3 million, 6 million users worldwide. Yeah, something like that.
Speaker 2:I'm not surprised.
Speaker 1:I think, yeah, muzmach is 6 million. I was on the app, not surprised. I think, yeah, muzmach is six millions, I was on the app. So in preparation for this episode, we actually created accounts, created profiles and we went on the apps just to see what's out there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and the funny thing is that we were able to create accounts using random pictures. We used our cat's face. I used my cat's face to verify the account yeah, um, so that says a lot about the credibility of the platform no, no, but in all honesty it didn't, it wasn't verified, it didn't work.
Speaker 1:Oh, it didn't work. Yeah, okay, so I take that back okay regardless.
Speaker 2:So number one when, if you're signing up for something as serious as marriage, uh, on a platform that's free, you're going to get poor quality results like your mom says, you're gonna meet every tom dick and harry there exactly so I mean, the way these apps make their money is that they upsell you on more swipes, more super likes, so if somebody doesn't like you you can super like them. So it kind of forces a connection in a way. And there's other ways that they upsell you and make like tons and tons of money.
Speaker 1:Different types of upgrades and, of course, the ads.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and, needless to to say, these apps are designed to be addictive. I mean, you're going to be swiping, right? I mean even if you might not even see the person. I've seen cases where persons aren't even looking at the screen, they're just moving their thumb, just hoping and praying, like when I was in theater school, a lot of my friends and classmates they were all on tinder and it was just a big joke. They would just keep swiping right, swiping right, with the hopes that somebody would match with them and then they would take it from there. So if you have apps that are, objectively speaking, modeling tinder, then what does that say about the apps, right? Is it the question to be asking yourself is it designed for marriage or is it designed for dating?
Speaker 1:we hear it from our clients all the time, especially when they come on board in the beginning in the discovery call. So we ask them how has your journey been so far? What have you tried? Out of each 10 calls we get, nine times we hear I was on the apps, I was traumatized, I am I'm sick of the.
Speaker 2:I'm sick of the abs. I need something better I need a break.
Speaker 1:I was catfished, I was ghosted, ghosted, left on read harassed um what is scammed um, I mean you were just reading cases today about like disgusting fetishes and yeah and people, people asking like very inappropriate things from the first conversation yeah, uh, yeah, people losing money, so maybe that's not like the the fault of the apps themselves, that's the people who are using them yes, but like you said, it's the design itself, but also I fully.
Speaker 2:I do believe that the apps, like the people who are running it in the background, do have responsibility to filter out these people of course, yeah, somehow some way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so we were reading that a lot of the accounts are fake, a lot of the accounts are inactive.
Speaker 2:A lot of people have guys that are just looking for a second wife or looking for a hookup yeah, exactly yeah. So, like I said before, if you're going to use something that's free, you're going to get poor quality results. The amount of time it takes to create like, how quick did you create your account?
Speaker 2:oh, just barely a few minutes yeah for me, I think I created in like five minutes something like that so if you're on a platform where it takes just barely five minutes to create an account and in fact on salams, a lot of the sections are pre-filled so you can just say oh, I'm a foodie or I am um, there was one line that says yeah about fudger.
Speaker 1:Like yeah, my fudger alarm is britney spears or something.
Speaker 2:Yeah right like weird stuff like that so if you are able to create an account for something as serious as marriage within just a few minutes, that's some. That is a bit reflective of the type of service that it is um like, for example, with hod I remember baba ali saying this it you have to jump through a lot of hoops before creating your account yeah right, because he wants to make sure that people that are signing up on that website aren't just shopping yeah people are serious so you're going to go through I believe he said like over 100 questions, personality tests, all sorts of things, because by the time you create your account you can see other profiles.
Speaker 1:You've done so much work and you know that this person most likely is serious and they're not just there to shop around, right, right, actually, actually, I have here a screenshot I took today from uh when I was creating my account on muzmach. So they have 13 that's what it says at least 13 million members on muzmach, 500 000 thousand success stories. You're just one match away, heart wow.
Speaker 2:Now there is one caveat here, which is people do a minority of people do find success on yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we heard some some people like we've seen this in person.
Speaker 2:We've like talked to people face to face and they've said, oh, I found my significant other on the app. Um, there are success stories that we found on Instagram and of course, I can't verify those stories, but we can give them benefit of the doubt that they did find their other half on these apps. But from what we're seeing, both as professional matchmakers taking on clients from doing events, the vast majority of people are just not having any luck. They're frustrated. They're seeing awful, awful things on apps. There's been cases of abuse, harassment, just like you were saying before.
Speaker 2:And so these are things to be mindful of.
Speaker 1:We're not making these things up, these are facts hey, if you have a story to tell, we'd love to have you on here. You'll find a safe space of listeners who can understand what you're going through. Just shoot us an email with a summary of your story at info at halal matchca. So, if you remember, you asked me this morning um, actually an intriguing question, like what's wrong with establishing physical attraction first before deciding to invest time in getting to know the person and exchange messages, right?
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, which is actually a very fair question. I mean, the Prophet peace be upon him did encourage us to see the other person, to see if there's basic physical attraction before moving forward, and that's a fair point. My response to you was that attraction is much more than just a picture. There are so many elements to attraction. It starts with a picture the tone of the person, how they speak, how they carry themselves, their smile, how they express themselves all of this, the way they look, right, all of this builds physical attraction. And to base your judgment based on a picture, that is a little bit superficial because for two reasons, some people are not photogenic at all. They look gorgeous in person, but pictures don't do them, don't do them justice, and you might be rejecting somebody based on an unfair picture. That's number one. On the other hand, is a lot of people use filters and their picture has nothing to do with how they really look with the tons of makeup and the filters and all of that Same thing. You don't want to make the mistake.
Speaker 2:Right. So when we take on clients, or actually when we introduce a match to a client, we're very careful to introduce things from their form. So we start sharing what their values are, what their expectations are, how they, how they envision life post-marriage. So this forms an image in their head and they've seen, they've gotten to know the person from the inside. First. Then we share an video introduction. You hear them talking, moving their, and then the last thing they see is the picture. So it's kind of an inside out approach yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2:And we're intentional about that.
Speaker 2:But the thing I want to point out about the apps is that I feel the flow of Muslims going to the apps is a result of the failure of masjids, and I really want to highlight this because we have talked about this in previous episodes and I could talk about this till the sun comes up it's dark now, but, yeah, I could talk about this for days that when you close the doors to haram and I say this a lot when you close the doors to halal, the doors to haram and I say this a lot when you close the doors to halal, the doors to haram become enticing.
Speaker 2:Now I'm not going to start passing a fatwa saying, oh, the apps are haram. The apps are haram, but they are platforms that are modeling a dating service. The point is when, as a muslim in a muslim community, you have limited options to begin with and the masjid is not providing options for you and they're just doing the random speed dating events once a month, or they're kind of just I don't know delegating it to the matchmaking auntie, the rishda auntie, down the street, and they're not investing the time in taking this seriously, then you're going to resort to the apps. Naturally, your desires aren't just going to vanish. They're going to resort to the apps. Naturally, your desires aren't just going to vanish.
Speaker 1:They're going to get re-channeled in other directions and on top of that, the segregation problem we have in the masjids in the Islamic centers, all of that. So, at the end of the day, honestly, apps are a means. They're just a means. You can use them the right way. You can use them the right way, you can use them the wrong way and, like we said, we're not okay.
Speaker 2:Is there a right way to use the apps?
Speaker 1:it might have come off that we are bashing apps. I don't know because, we mentioned the negative sides okay, let's talk about.
Speaker 2:Let's talk about the positive sides.
Speaker 1:You have unlimited options.
Speaker 2:The ability to filter based on location and other things, so you're not just finding a person in some random village in Syria or India or something like that.
Speaker 1:But how can you know that who you're talking to, if they are a real person or not?
Speaker 2:I would say be cautious of using the apps. I don't rely solely on apps because, at the end of the day, it's a free service, and when you have a free service like even, for example, matrimonial websites that are free, that are essentially just public directories of people all over the world, I remember I was on one of these websites. I'm not going to say the name of the website, but I was on one of these websites. I'm not going to say the name of the website, but I was on one of these websites and I was getting random messages from like girls in some small, remote village in india who could barely speak english and I couldn't, and I wasn't sure if this was a real person or not. And it was. It was such a waste of time well, what about shadicom?
Speaker 1:I hear I used to hear it before, I don't hear it now.
Speaker 2:It's still running. That website is a public directory.
Speaker 1:Okay, so if you are going to use apps, how to use them the right way?
Speaker 2:Be intentional. Have clear goals and communicate them early.
Speaker 1:It's important to have a clear intention. My intention here is to find marriage and not just to keep swiping and feeding that addiction. Also, these apps have something in common with social media, which is their tendency to boost your self-worth and self-validation. You could get addicted to the feeling of having so many people interested in you, so many people swiping right on your profile and just filling you with this good feeling. So that's why we say always go back to your intention and purifying your intention. Know why you are there. You're not there to get swipes and get likes and have so many people interested in you. You're there to find just one person. That's who you're looking for, one person who will be a good spouse for you, inshallah.
Speaker 2:Inshallah, use video calls before getting too invested. Verify early. This is important because if you are speaking to somebody over the apps and all you have to go off of are just one or two pictures in their profile, you will get invested because you will start forming a very romanticized image in your mind of this person, because they could be sweet talking, they could be saying everything that you want to hear via text, and then you jump on a video call two, three months later and they look like what's? What is Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde Like? They look like a completely different person. So make the decision to use video calls earlier on. I remember when we were talking, I think we jumped on a Skype video call, I think within the first week.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, right Within the first few days, I think. The third day, the third day, yeah, something like that yeah.
Speaker 2:So yeah, we were pretty serious and we verified very quickly.
Speaker 1:What would you say is another important step Set boundaries, Just like we said. This process could be very addictive because there are endless numbers. Like I said, Muzmach claims they have 13 million members, so you could be spending years just going through the profiles. Don't let the process consume your time or self-worth. One more thing would be to ask direct questions. Don't waste time with just small talk. Endless chatting. Establish compatibility early.
Speaker 2:We have an entire episode dedicated towards asking the right questions, so definitely check that out. How to phrase the right questions, what questions to ask? Definitely check out that episode.
Speaker 1:So, instead of like spending I don't know hours talking about your favorite TV shows which there's nothing wrong with that, but because we did that for a little bit. We did that, but after establishing common values.
Speaker 2:Of course, yeah, Of course. Protect yourself. There have been so many cases of abuse and harassment. You know, if they start asking very intimate questions within the first few days, that's a huge red flag. You know, refusal to do a video call, money requests obviously inconsistencies in behavior. If they're just responding every four or five days, that's a red flag too. It doesn't give the indication that they're serious. So look out for these things. Meet in a public setting. Preferably bring a friend, your wali, if possible.
Speaker 1:Just try to protect yourself.
Speaker 2:Protect yourself yeah.
Speaker 1:You are diving into dangerous territory.
Speaker 2:Yeah and also yeah, just make sure somebody is aware that you are meeting somebody for the first time for the purpose of marriage.
Speaker 1:Yeah, involve a third party not just in the meetings, but also in the decision making.
Speaker 1:You could get emotionally attached without even realizing. And always let your core values guide your decisions, of course with the dua and the help of Allah. Let your core values guide your decisions, of course with the dua and the help of allah. Let your core values guide your decisions in assessing compatibility, deciding if this person is right for me or not. Put your try to put your emotions aside, especially in the beginning stages, and inshallah, allah will bring barakah in your search so, yeah, keep these things in mind when you're on the platforms.
Speaker 2:Uh, specifically the dating apps, um, it's just like I said, it's just another means there's so many different. Well, there are options out there. I wouldn't say there's so many options, but there are options out there. Um, but, take the time to vet those options, assess whether or not they are worth the investment of your time as well as your money.
Speaker 1:And your emotions.
Speaker 2:And your emotions.
Speaker 1:And your sanity, and your sanity.
Speaker 2:And choose wisely.
Speaker 1:Inshallah All right, until next time. Assalamu alaikum.
Speaker 2:If you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't know where to seek help, let us help you. We can be your personal matchmakers. Visit us at halalmatchca and book a free call with us.