Diary of a Matchmaker

How to Attract the Right Partner? w/ Lama Aboubakr

• Halal Match • Episode 52

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In this episode, we’re diving into the world of halal courting with the incredible Lama Aboubakr, a relationship coach who specializes in helping Muslims attract the right person they truly deserve. Let’s face it—sometimes, past experiences and old patterns can hold us back from finding the fulfilling relationship we long for. But Lama’s here to show us how to break free from those cycles and shift our mindset.

Lama shares powerful insights on building self-awareness, understanding attachment styles, and improving communication—all crucial steps in attracting the right partner. Her approach helps you work on yourself, so you can become the kind of person who not only deserves a great relationship but is ready to build one too.

Tune in to discover how to approach the search for a spouse with confidence, patience, and clarity, knowing that when you do the inner work, the right person will come your way.

Check out Lama's website here and follow her on Instagram here.

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Your support helps us keep these conversations going and tackle the chaos of finding love, one episode at a time. Consider buying us a coffee here: https://buymeacoffee.com/hibaandzaid

Speaker 1:

What happens with time? You build up resentment when really the truth is you didn't want to question it and speak up and be yourself, because you didn't want to rock the boat or ruin it, because you just wanted to be married, because you're coming from a desperate place.

Speaker 2:

Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.

Speaker 3:

And I'm Zaid.

Speaker 2:

You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 3:

A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 2:

We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 3:

So let's dive in. Assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode, my name is Hiba, and on the other mic is my husband and co-host, zaid.

Speaker 2:

Assalamu alaikum everyone. Welcome back after Ramadan. We hope you guys had a great Ramadan. And yeah, we are back and we have a special guest with us today Lama Abu Bakr, relationship Coach. Thank you, lama, for joining us. Of course, I'm glad to be here, I'm glad to have you. So in the beginning, can you please tell the audience a little bit about yourself, what you do and what led you to do that?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so I help Muslims get married and I help Muslims get into the mindset of how to approach this process in a very easy, efficient way.

Speaker 1:

And the reason that got me, what got me here, is when I was going through this process alone, by myself, I realized there was a lot of things that would trigger me, a lot of things that would bother me, and I wanted to become someone where it wasn't that hard. I just wanted it to be easy, and so I you know I hired a coach. I helped myself really understand myself and understand my own triggers, and I realized the more I improved myself, the better quality potentials that I got, because the way I talk, the way I approach things was very different. And so I realized the Muslim community doesn't know this, and so I that's what I'm helping mostly women and men do is to really step up their whole identity and to see themselves as as a catch, as someone who would be an excellent spouse, so that they can attract an excellent spouse, and it really helps to do the mental work to get there.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so do you mostly work with women?

Speaker 1:

I work with both. I work with men and women but, like a lot of my clients are women and I do work with a lot of men as well.

Speaker 2:

Okay, what have you been seeing so far? What are the main struggles people are having?

Speaker 1:

So the main struggle is people are using their past to confirm their future, and what I mean by that is when they have a bad experience.

Speaker 1:

They use those experiences to define who they are, or to define them as, like the next experience is going to happen the same way, right?

Speaker 1:

So so it's like oh well, I had this time where this person kind of rejected me for this and therefore that means the next person's also going to reject me because of this. And this is all happening subconsciously, it's not even happening consciously sometimes, right, and even, or as an example, you know, I, if I'm, if I'm a woman, my thought is, every time I talk to a man, I'm not really attracted to them or it's not going to work. So the next time they talk to someone, they immediately dismiss right away, and it's just they're constantly feeling like it's never going to work. So what the problem is is, when we're using the past thoughts to define our future, it's very hard to to find the thing that you're looking for, because, cognitive bias the brain will always look for what's familiar and what you're used to, and so that's why people stay stuck in the same problem, because their brain is kind of sabotaging every time a new person comes up.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so what do you do in that case? You reprogram the brain, or what exactly?

Speaker 1:

so it's, it's um. The first step is more of awareness of what are the, the specific thoughts and patterns that are coming up for you, that cause you to act and feel a certain way. Because if we're, if there's no awareness, then you're just going to think it's, you know, there's not an, there's just not the, it's the other person's fault. They're going to think, oh, like there's not enough men, or not enough women, or not enough good men, not enough good women. And so when we don't take a step back and realize, oh wait, no, actually it's me, I'm the one that's thinking, feeling this way, and this is why I keep repeating the same patterns and this is why I keep getting the same results, then you feel a lot more empowered because you realize, oh, it's something I can fix, I can, just I can. I realize I'm thinking this way because of whatever my childhood, my past experience, now and when I, let's say, every time I get rejected and I feel, oh, I don't tell myself the story, I'm not good enough, I tell myself, oh, they're just just not my person. So these small little reframes help you and empower you to become the version of you that eventually, when allah does send you and you do meet your person. It's it's so much more easier, it's more efficient.

Speaker 1:

And I also want to add when you're coming from a more desperate feeling, when when it feels like I need to get married, the brain will sometimes if you're coming from more anxious attachment style and you feel more anxious about things, it will tend to avoid red flags or problems because it's just trying to get married. It just wants to make it work, right. So sometimes it's hard to kind of directly see red flags when you're coming from that space. So for me, directly when I'm asked this question, I don't necessarily like list out all the red flags, because that is something. Honestly, if you just Google, there's a bunch of red lists of red flags. However, the mindset, the way you're coming into it, that dictates whether something's a red flag or not.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so if you're coming from a very empowered state and you see something that comes up that you know is potentially a problem, you take the time to sit and understand. Okay, is this something that really does affect me in my marriage or is this something that is just a trigger from my past? Is this something that I'm willing to tolerate? And you have the capacity to kind of question and understand.

Speaker 1:

However, if you're coming from a more desperate, disemempowered state, the way you're going to come at it is like, well, I mean, you just disrespected me and I think I don't want to rock the boat too much because I want this to work, so let me just like move forward and not really question it, right? So the communication is much less. You're not as empowered. You don't actually speak up and say what you want. What happens with time? You build up resentment and you know when really the truth is you didn't want to question it and speak up and be yourself, because you didn't want to rock the boat or ruin it, because you just wanted to be married, because you're coming from a desperate place.

Speaker 3:

Right, so desperation is guiding the process instead.

Speaker 1:

Right, right, and this is more on a spectrum. I'm not saying everyone is like this or this. It varies with everyone. So if you're listening to this and you're like, oh, that's not me, there could be parts of you that has that, and so that's kind of like. My job as a coach is to help you uncover that and rewire that, to feel more empowered, to feel more confident in your process, so that you do feel safe to speak up when you need to.

Speaker 3:

You mentioned someone Googling red flags and it just made me realize that sometimes what we overlook is that searching for a spouse is a very individual, personal process and we try to copy what other people are doing too in terms of the search. When we realize we have to take the time to, like you said, do self-awareness, understand that my red flags are going to be different from my friend's red flags, right, what I can tolerate is going to be different from what the other person can tolerate.

Speaker 2:

So, and each person's search is individual and it's a very personal journey, and self-awareness is part of that process and recognizing that so what you said about repeating past mistakes and being stuck in patterns, this kind of answers a question we had for you which is like what would you say to someone who's been looking for a long time, like we had a guest on the show? She's a client of ours and she shared her story. She's been looking for over 20 years and they're like well, in her case, she knew what she was doing wrong. But other people they're like well, in her case, she knew what she was doing wrong, but other people they're like I tried everything I worked on myself. I don't know why isn't it not happening? Why can't I find the right person? So what would you say to them?

Speaker 1:

Yes. So this is in this process and the way I teach things is there's there's three parts to this. There's the spiritual part, there's your thoughts and your self-concept and your identity, and then there's your thoughts about the opposite gender and what's possible for you, and if one of these is off, it's going to be very hard to find the spouse. So someone usually tells me you know, I've spent years working on myself and I'm years looking, and if I really look into how they're thinking, the thoughts in their mind is well, there is no man that wants me, or there is no man that you know I don't. I can't find a man that would ever like, want someone like me, or there are no good men or something like that.

Speaker 1:

So even tiny thoughts like that, even if it feels true and believable, it takes away the conviction that you have that it is going to work for you. And when you don't have conviction, your du'as will feel very watered down. And what do I mean by that? What I mean is ya Allah, I've been trying for 20 years Listen to my tone right. I've been trying for 20 years and I've been doing all the things and nothing is working and there's no man out there for me. And so what happens? You don't even believe it's going to happen for you. You trust more in what you think is true, more than what Allah can do for you.

Speaker 3:

I see.

Speaker 1:

When you do that, your dua has become very like Allah. I want it to happen, but subconsciously you don't think it's actually going to happen, because you know that there's no man out there for you. Because you're believing it. You're believing it already, feeding that into your dua and Allah is like well, you already made a decision that it's not going to happen, right.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, it almost feels like in your dua you're putting an expectation on Allah, saying you should have done this for me by now, because I've done everything right, but you haven't. That's what it almost feels like.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that's what's part of it too. But also I'm talking more about the conviction, because one of the prerequisites of answered dua is the conviction that Allah can do anything. But on a mental level, when we have thoughts that like, prevent it from feeling like Allah can do anything, that's when our duas don't feel that much conviction. And I am not saying like, oh, like you know, oh, there's so many healthy, amazing men out there and all this, like you don't have to believe that. But what I am saying is, even with the evidence I see in front of me, I don't care what I see. I know that you can make anything possible. I only care about your acceptance and what you want from me, and I don't care about anything else.

Speaker 1:

That level of conviction, that's another level. That's the goal. That's why we're here. That's the goal. That's why we're here, that's why we're being tested to get to that level and that's why, when I see people kind of complaining about how, like it's been 20 years, been this, been that there is always a missing piece, and I can usually tell within the first conversation they're stuck in the identity of things don't work out for me. Things don't ever work out for me. For me. Things don't ever work out for me, and that's where you know people. This is a very long topic but for people really wanting more like details on this and understanding this more in a deeper level, I have a course called the inner shift that really explain this more in detail. That help if you want to check that out.

Speaker 2:

Inshallah. We will ask you towards the end of the episode, to share, uh, your um, classes and contact information. Of course, but this reminds me, uh, when I was making dua for a spouse, like I mentioned it even before in another, in another episode, I was so specific with my dua, like it was like ordering a burger, like I knew I could speak to allah directly he's not gonna judge me and I was very specific with my dua and um, subhanallah. It got answered, like every box was checked, subhanallah. But these things, like you would feel so awkward mentioning them in front of your friend or your sister and you're like, they're like, just ask allah for a good spouse and that's it right. So you spoke of red flags. What about green flags?

Speaker 1:

yeah, I mean when you are operating from the best version of yourself, when you're being the most authentic version of you. That is the best screening tool because you immediately see when someone is you know. You know that, like you don't tolerate disrespect first of all, but you notice, you know when someone's respecting you. You notice the way they talk, their character, the way they bring up conflict, the way they navigate conflict, the way they respond to you.

Speaker 1:

All this stuff matters, right, and, like I always like to say, right, it's good to also do your little bit of research of, like, what are what are some good, positive, healthy traits of a relationship and adding that to your wish list, adding that to your do-it-list. Like y'all, I want someone who is you know, helps me feel understood and heard and listens to me and is good at problem solving and is good at this and as good as that, and and all of that is kind of a list of green flags, right, and I always like to. Before I was married, I would look at couples that I admired and I would take note of the things that I liked about them to kind of, you know, I want this in my own marriage and so things like that, you'd have to come up with your own list of green flags that you're looking for okay, uh, so how can you differentiate between sell like somebody who has self-empowerment and they're confident and they know that they deserve someone good, and between no one's good enough?

Speaker 2:

no one is good enough for me. I have to to be earned. I'm a princess? I don't know, because it's a thin line, right.

Speaker 1:

Right, and that is actually a protective mechanism that people use when they say I don't need anyone, I'm a princess, they have to earn me, stuff like that. Now, as a woman, you do see yourself as like I am a catch. But also there's humility, right, like I'm a human being, that I am a worthy woman. That's a human being that any man would be lucky to have, right. But, however, there's humility like there's like I'm a human being and I'm looking for another human being. It becomes when people are more coming from fear. It can often show up as more of entitlement and I know I'm pretty sure they're not doing that intentionally. They're doing it more out of protective mechanism and they're not necessarily aware of it. They think that's what they're taught. They think that's what will protect them from someone hurting their feelings, like you need to earn my love and stuff like that. And I would guess right if someone's saying that that's how they, that's how their childhood was, like they needed to earn the love, and now it's showing up in their relationships and so all of that is reflective on when the way you, the way you grew up, will often reflect in your relationships and it's a, it's a beautiful thing. I think it's when it uncovers all the triggers you have.

Speaker 1:

But yeah, so the difference between arrogance and confidence is really your question, and the difference is confidence is I'm amazing and I know other humans are amazing too. I'm not better than anyone. I know I'm amazing and you're amazing too. Arrogance is I'm amazing and everyone else is below me. So that's really as simple as I can answer it. That's when you feel the difference. Confidence just feels good, it feels like I just love. I see everyone as Allah's creation, like no one is worse or better than me. We're all the same, we're all like you know. So that's confidence.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I wanted to go back to green flags earlier. Sometimes what happens is like, alhamdulillah, hiba and I we just spoke for barely a month and a half and they were like, ok, we're going to get our niqab done. We knew. But what happens to some people is that they see all the green flags and they're answering all the questions and the pace starts to pick up and then it gets scary and you think, no way, this person just can't be this compatible with me. I got to slow it down a bit, I got to pump the brakes and we actually saw this a little bit on the Muslim Matchmaker too, about pace and slowing it down. So it becomes a tricky thing where you, okay, green flags are great, this person is compatible. But then we have to talk about pace, and so what would you say to somebody who's kind of in that scary situation?

Speaker 1:

yeah. So infatuation when it takes over, it's very hard to kind of manage it. So usually when someone's going at a really fast pace, they're infatuated and it's a little bit driven from anxiety of like I, I don't want this to end. Like if it ends, I'm like that means it's another failure and I don't want it to end. So, uh, they, how does that show up? It's like usually like always talking and making sure they're doing it right so that they, the conversation doesn't end.

Speaker 1:

So there's very little room for, or tolerance for, any silence or discomfort or just like space. And so the strategies here and it is more of a strategy is you have to communicate, that you have to communicate in the beginning. Hey, I feel like I feel like we're going a little too fast. I would like, if we took it a little slower, just so I can, you know, take the time to process things and live my own life. I don't want to like completely disconnect from my life and focus on you, and it helps to just kind of build up strategies to protect your own life, and what I mean by that is you only set certain times to talk to them throughout the day and after that you plan like something to do, like going out with your friends or going to the masjid or something Right, so that you have a hard stop and you don't spend the rest of your night talking to them or, you know, not talking to them at night.

Speaker 1:

I had a very strict rule on this, right, like, bedtime is bedtime, there's no exceptions here. Like you go to bed, you can talk tomorrow. You don't have to talk at night, even though it's tempting, even though it's tempting. But, like, you have to have put up rules for yourself so that you don't fall into that, because, again, infatuation will lead to a really fast pace and things crash right away. So you don't have to be afraid of it, it's normal, but it's it's more of like setting up guardrails for yourself so that you can protect yourself.

Speaker 3:

If you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't know where to seek help, let us help you. We can be your personal matchmakers. Visit us at halalmatchca and book a free call with us.

Speaker 2:

Speaking of Muslim matchmaker. So the last episode before Ramadan, we critiqued this show. We had a lot to share and I just would like to know your input, your thoughts on the show or, um, not just the show as entertainment, but on the whole process of the matching how it's done, the guidance, the conversations yeah, I mean, I just I watched it because my clients were telling me to watch it and I was like all right, fine, I'll watch it.

Speaker 1:

And it was just interesting to see, you know, the, the, the. I. I liked seeing the different examples. I liked seeing, like, how things were, were talked about and stuff, and I think, um, though, I like to use some of these examples as like to show my clients like, look, this is what anxious, avoidant attachment looks like, this is what this attachment looks like. So that's kind of where my thoughts were. I was like you know, it's just, it's a starting off show, it's, it's, it's like the beginning of inshallah. Many shows have that will help and and, uh, show people that they're not alone in the matchmaking process yeah, yeah, yeah, uh.

Speaker 2:

Okay, you spoke or spoke of, uh, attachment styles. Tell us a little bit about that. How does that present itself when people trying to get to know each other?

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So a summary of attachment styles. It's there's a theory that a psychologist came up with that the way you grew up as a baby and as a child, your attachment to your parents, it shows up in your adulthood. So if you didn't get that much attention or you didn't get the attention you need, maybe the baby starts getting more of like it avoids even speaking up anymore because it's like what's the point? So how it shows up in adult and in your adult life is it avoids any sort of intimacy, conversations or anything opening up or anything. Hard because it doesn't want to get close to anyone. Because it is, it doesn't want to. Hard because it doesn't want to get close to anyone because it doesn't want to risk rejection, it doesn't want to risk disappointment. Okay, so that's avoidant attachment. Anxious attachment is I need someone to be with me, I need closeness, I need to always be reassured, I need this, I need that. So that's more of the anxious attachment side and it's a spectrum, so it varies from one side to the other and and it's it's the.

Speaker 1:

The beauty of knowing what your style is is you can catch when you can understand your own behavior when it comes to relationship and it's really helpful in terms of marriage, like understanding your, your, how it shows up in your marriage, because me personally, I used to be much more on the avoidance side, but I also still notice it coming up in my marriage. I notice my habits coming up. For example, if we argue or something happens, I tend to withdraw and just not want to talk about anything. I just go to my room. But it's just good to know, it's good to know that those habits come up and that way I have a way of managing it when I do know, when I do notice myself getting triggered.

Speaker 1:

So I talk about attachment style a lot, because the way you feel as you're getting to know someone, all of that is going to get triggered and it usually happens in romantic relationships, something. Sometimes it happens in friendships and stuff like that. But, um, it just helps to know so that you can either manage it or avoid it and so that those is what. That's usually what blocks connection from actually happening and and sabotages people from actually getting married okay, I take it avoidance and uh, what's the other one?

Speaker 2:

anxious?

Speaker 1:

they don't go well together so surprisingly they actually those are. That's the most common dynamic, because, right, yeah, it is. It's. It's kind of like the anxious always needs the avoidant and the avoidant kind of runs away from it. So like the unhealthy kind of dynamic is when that happens. But when you come together in a more secure place, that's what so typically like, stereotypically, the men is usually more avoidant than the woman, but also, obviously that's not a general rule. But yeah, it's very common. But it's just more about learning how to navigate it and it's not a problem. It's more about learning how to manage it together as a couple.

Speaker 2:

Okay, first impressions. How can somebody leave a good first impression when they're meeting someone, whether it's at a matrimonial event or meeting virtually or through a friend or whatever?

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So the first thing is, first of all, make the intention. I just want to meet the person that's meant for me and allow me to leave a good impression on that person. Okay, intention always matters.

Speaker 1:

So how to leave a good impression is are you operating from the authentic, real version of you? The real version of you will show up and sometimes she's nervous, sometimes he's nervous, but it's okay. He's here to get to know each other as human beings. So you, you put your, your, your, your authentic, as in like, okay, I know, I know I'm a good spouse, I know I could find the, the spouse that's meant for me here. So let me see, is this, is this the person that I want to be? When you talk to them, and you talk to them as a normal human being and you don't, you know, you get to know them more as a friend and like.

Speaker 1:

The intention is more of like, let me see if I could be friends with them, as in. I'm not saying like, be friends with them, but like for more for the, for the intention of like, let me see if this is someone I can be with so that, uh, so that we can be married. Inshallah, and that did that. All of that, like the reframing of that, helps you come into it into a much more calmer uh approach. But I wouldn't worry too much about like. What do people think of me? What's my first impression? It's more about um, I'm going to operate from the best version of me. I'm going to operate from the most authentic version of. I'm going to operate from the most authentic version of me and if they like me, great. And if they don't like me, I'm going to try my best to like not take that personally and like. It's okay that some people won't like.

Speaker 2:

Okay, we spoke about I mentioned matrimonial events, so you're probably aware of the way matrimonial events happen. In most places it's just a speed dating. You're sitting on a table with this person for three, five minutes, then you're rotating. You're rotating, so it is an option out there. It's not the best option, but it is an option out there. If somebody wants to try it out, try this option out. There is an option out there. If somebody wants to try it out, try this option out. What would you suggest? The best way to make the most out of it?

Speaker 1:

Like it's not a perfect situation. Yeah, I mean, when you're coming from a place of I wonder if my spouse is here, I wonder if the person that Allah wrote for me is in this room you come at it from a very curious perspective. If the person that Allah wrote for me is in this room, you come at it from a very curious perspective. What I usually see is women or men already thinking ahead of time this is not going to work, this is going to suck, this is going to be terrible, and obviously you're not going to show up authentically. Your energy is going to be just the same as everyone else.

Speaker 1:

But what would make you stand out is if you see it as an opportunity, an adventure to be like oh, I wonder how I can have fun while I'm here. Right, have fun and, as in like a, not not make it like this dreaded. Oh, my god, I have to go through this before I'm like I wonder if I would meet my husband, like, maybe this, maybe this could be a, maybe this could be it. And you know, if it doesn't happen, hamdulillah. If it happens, it's not, it's very like neutral, it's light, it's not this heavy thing yeah, that's great.

Speaker 2:

When we take our clients on meetings, we sit with them, all of that, we tell them get like, come to the meeting with um with the thought that this might be my future husband, this might be my future spot, my future wife. So, just like you said, the way show up, the way you ask them questions, it makes a huge difference.

Speaker 3:

Yes, I was going to add to that too, because when we take our clients out, we have like a pre-date coaching session and we say the same thing, like don't have a default, no mindset right, when you just come in thinking this probably not going to work, but hey, I'll just try it out anyways. So yeah, totally agree with what you're saying there if somebody suspects they are being strung along.

Speaker 2:

What are some concrete signs to look for?

Speaker 1:

well, first of all, make sure both of you are on the same timeline, on the same page, right? So I, the way I teach things, is like, make sure you're both discussing hey, let's talk seriously for like at least 90 days and make a decision by the end of 90 days so that we either agree to move forward or not. And I wanna make sure we're not wasting each other's time, and I really respect your time, you respect my time and you have that conversation and you can tell, like, if someone's like no, don't want to do that, or no, I want to take longer, or this, it's like okay, I mean, why do you need to take longer? Oh, because I'm not sure. I'm not that I'm. And then you can tell, kind of, with time, as you develop your emotional intelligence and stuff like that is like oh wait, like they're kind of stringing me, like they're not really.

Speaker 1:

And and also another thing humans, and don't intentionally try to string other people along. It's not like they intentionally have a negative, uh, intention, it's more about they. They're not aware why they're doing it. There there may be, let's say, if it's a man stringing along a woman, it's more about, um, he doesn't know what he, he wants and he's kind of confused maybe sometimes. So it just helps to have that conversation to make sure you're both on the same page. And when the man clearly says I don't know and I don't think it's going to happen within the next year or whatever they're like, it's your job as a woman to end it. It's your, it's your responsibility to make sure you don't let yourself get strung along. But what happens is if a woman is desperate or she needs to make this work, she won't see those signs and she won't have that conversation and she'll try to force him to make it work. And that's when things get too messy and you literally get strung along.

Speaker 3:

Well, sometimes it happens because there's a lot of fear associated with it too, like, okay, this person is serious. Then you start to get nervous and you think, okay, now I have to figure out X, y, z, I have to figure out. What am I going to tell my parents? How am I going to figure out living arrangements? There's so much to figure out. And then your fear starts to kick in.

Speaker 2:

And a lot of guys have fear of commitment as well, Maybe because of the many bad experiences they hear around them. My friend got divorced and she cleaned him out or something like that. So a lot of guys they have the intention of getting married, they have good intentions but they get scared and run away.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I mean, I would say there's also women who are like this too. This goes back to the avoidant attachment style afraid of commitment because it's such a big heavy thing to them, because they're afraid of, you know, potential like what if we get divorced? What if this never actually works out? What if all this comes up? And what if I fail? And what if all this comes up? And what if I fail? And what if all all of the the fears come up?

Speaker 1:

Right and to to process that is for for an avoidant is to learn, like what are you actually afraid of? And talking yourself through it, talking yourself through okay, if this problem comes up, this is what I'm going to do to to protect myself, to protect the person. Like you know, I'll figure it out and I'll do what it takes to heal from my past so that I don't bring that into my marriage, and I'm not going to. I know I'm not going to be perfect and it's not going to be perfect, but I'm going to do the best that I can and I know I will. Like, I'll do my best to commit to what I can, and some fears will come up and some circumstances will come up, but that's meant to train you to become the person that you need to be okay, um, what would you say to someone who has, maybe, negative view on coaching?

Speaker 1:

they're like, no, I can figure it out, but they're clearly struggling yeah, I mean, I always say, like coaching always speeds up things, right, it gets you there faster because you have a person pointing out your blind spots. And some people choose not to because they think either they're ashamed of getting help or it's like I don't want to spend money because, like, why would I do that when I can figure it out myself? And that's a choice, right, that some people I've seen people spend years and years and years trying to figure it out on their own, when if they were to have one session with me, I I'd be like, yeah, this is the problem, and like they save themselves, like years, right. And they're like, why don't I find you earlier?

Speaker 2:

Right.

Speaker 1:

And it's like, yeah, well, you have to be open to coaching and it takes some humility to be like you know I need help. This is hard, right, but it's, it's not. It's not a shameful thing. Like I to this day, I I have a coach and I will always have a coach, because it really helps to check out my blind spots and things and areas that I don't see, and there's nothing to be ashamed of. And the more I work with a coach and have a whole other brain, looking at my brain, it just elevates and evolves me and I see things much differently and more clear. And if I didn't have that, I'd just be stuck in my own thoughts. And you can't solve a problem with the brain that created it. As is the quote einstein right, you can't solve a problem with the mind that created it. So if your mind is the problem you can't solve, that it's. You need an outsider to kind of help you look at it sometimes.

Speaker 3:

Out of curiosity, how often do you get males seeking out your professional help?

Speaker 1:

I always have like. Right now I have about. I'm trying to count three, four or five male clients out of 25.

Speaker 3:

Okay, it's still a small number out of 25, but that's still good to know that males I'm grateful.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, they're incredible, terrible humans. Alhamdulillah, they're doing their best to get the help they need, but for sure, there are plenty of men out there who do look for help, who do try to. They just need to push every now and then, yeah, and we need to. You know, help men feel safer to actually get the help they need and not judge them and not make them feel like belittled for that. So that's, I think that's what we need to do.

Speaker 2:

Okay, take us through it a little bit. Take us through what you do exactly. So let's say, I've been struggling, I can't find the right person. I've been struggling for seven years and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. And I come to you what would you do struggling?

Speaker 1:

for seven years and I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I come to you what would you do? Yeah, so my first approach is I see what you've been believing like as an identity. Wise, what's your identity? An identity is the set of thoughts that you've been believing about who you are. Okay, as an example, I'm someone who struggled for the past 10 years with marriage. So what does that mean as an identity? It means I'm someone who struggles with relationships. I'm someone who struggled for the past 10 years with marriage, so what does that mean as an identity? It means I'm someone who struggles with relationships. I'm someone who really struggles, and what happens is when you believe that the brain will keep operating from that belief. So I'm someone who struggles. Therefore, everything you do will feel like a struggle. It will feel like I can't figure it out, I can't do this, I can't do that. So what I do is I help them come from a more neutral perspective. Right, we're just learning a brand new skill. We don't need to bring the past with us. We're learning how. I'm learning the skill of how to be in a healthy relationship, instead of believing I struggle with relationships because that thought doesn't serve you.

Speaker 1:

That thought just reiterates the same negative thoughts over and over again. That's one of the core beliefs, right, and this is really deep work, right? I feel like some people listening to be like what the heck is this? But like, when you're operating from this belief, all the other negative thoughts stem from that. So I always look for the core belief and then whatever stems from that, and we knock it down like dominoes every now and for every, with every session, and at the end they feel a lot more confident about themselves, first and foremost. And when you're more confident about yourself, you're more flexible about what you're looking for and what you want. You're not as rigid in the criteria that you're looking for because you realize you're confident you can handle any problem that comes up okay, sounds like intense work, yeah it is.

Speaker 1:

It's very intense, but it's it's. It's very transformational, it evolves. People don't recognize themselves after six months, so wow, can you share some stories?

Speaker 2:

some, of course, keeping it private, but like some transformations yeah.

Speaker 1:

So I had like one, one person that's coming to mind. I think she's in her 40s, something like that, but um, it's 39 now. I think about it. But um, she came to me very anxious, right. Every time she would text someone, a lot of anxiety comes up. Are they going to text me back? Are they? Um, do they like me enough, do they? This is probably not going to work out, and what happens is she sabotages it whenever the next time she talks to him, she's talking from anxiety, like why didn't you answer me? Why did this? And not even directly saying it. But even her energy was just off every time. Okay, her, her, just her demeanor was not very confident and so, obviously, if a man sees this, he's not going to be like wow, what is this? He's going to leave because it's not not something you want to be with.

Speaker 1:

So the transformation is when we we really focused on her self-concept, the way she saw herself, the way she handles rejection, the way like what does it mean when someone doesn't text you back? It just means nothing. It just means that it doesn't, it's. We don't need to make it a bigger thing about you and all that. And we work on the ego we work on. The ego is one of the biggest things. Right is like feeling very ashamed about yourself, and ego comes in different forms. It comes from like what's wrong with me, why is this happening to me? And, on the other end of the spectrum, like you know, very prideful as well. So it's a lot of ego work and when you do that, at the end the transformation was every time she talked to a potential, she just felt so like, so comfortable, like hamdulillah, like if it works, it works, if it doesn't, who cares?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, she never thought she would be someone at that point and now, alhamdulillah, she's talking to potential. She's much more like, much more like. One of them is kind of like moving along and it's just. It feels much more relaxing. Right, we don't need to stress out about it, we don't need to panic, it's just Allah is taking. The tawakkul is so much more higher than the emotions and the emotions is just like whatever. It's just there.

Speaker 1:

Every now and then I get a fear, but it's more the base, the solid baseline is. I know Allah has a person written for me and all I have to do is keep showing up with authentically in myself and do my part and, inshallah, it'll work. So that's the work, right? It's not just about marriage, and to me, my work is never just about marriage. It's about this is the skill that we're trying to become the prophetic. We're trying to become like Rasulullah, sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam. And what does that mean? It means doing the work on your ego, doing the work on your character to become someone who doesn't get phased by things like this, which leads to a very fulfilling marriage, which helps you become just stronger in who you are.

Speaker 3:

It literally does sound like you're just rewiring people's brains, which?

Speaker 2:

is amazing. It's so cool. It's amazing that people are open to this.

Speaker 1:

Oh, of course there's so many women Like why wouldn't you, why wouldn't you want it? Because?

Speaker 2:

like we're naturally going to resist change. Nobody changes, Scary right.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, but if it's a change that will serve you to feel better, your brain will be more motivated. Right, it's not like change, like oh, there's no outcome, like you know, it's going to make you feel better. Right, right, right.

Speaker 3:

Plus, I feel like the stigma behind mental health is changing the general attitude. People are becoming more accepting and open to it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, One last piece of advice, something a practical advice you can give someone who's looking, who's struggling and maybe on the brink of giving up yes, first of all, I do recommend getting the help you need.

Speaker 1:

Don't try to do this alone. It's it because doing it alone will only perpetuate those same exact thoughts, and I've seen people try to do this alone. It's it because doing it alone will only perpetuate those same exact thoughts, and I've seen people try to do it alone. They just end up exactly where they they were at the beginning. So you could read all the self-help books and do all that, but that doesn't really change unless you have someone to actually point out exactly what's going on and and, at the same time, um, like the, the don't giving up part. Sometimes allah will put you in phases where you do feel hopeless, and those are the times where you call out to allah ya allah, I need your help and I, I don't like feeling hopeless, ya allah, and I, I don't like feeling broken, I don't like feeling worthless. But help me heal those feelings. Help me heal those, those emotions, so that I can become closer to you, and to redirect your thoughts and your dua not to a place of like. Ya Allah, I want to get married, ya Allah, I want to heal the parts of me that are so wounded that I think a man will help fix it. It's not true. Marriage will not fix your problems. I think marriage actually emphasizes whatever problems you have. It makes it times 10. It just shows up extremely more in a marriage because all of it's more triggered. But if, if you want sakina in your marriage, you've got to be the source of sakina for yourself, how are you going to bring sakina and expect the other person to do it for you if you don't feel sakina in yourself? So we, we pray in a way like yallah, I, I want marriage because I want to feel sakinah. But, yallah, give me what I need. And when I say, give me what I need, like, give me the emotion, the, the emotional stability that I need, the, the ability to, to not lose hope in you, yallah, to not lose hope in, in, in all these things that's on my mind, and to become stronger in who I am and all of this. And I promise you, when you become that version of you that you've always wanted to be, becoming a.

Speaker 1:

Finding a spouse is very easy, but what gets, what we get caught up in, is the drama and the emotions of how hard it is and it's I'm never gonna find it, and all that? And why are we trying? Why are we trying to find a spouse in the first place? Because we want to to, you know, we want to enjoy it, we want to feel good, but you're ruining your own process in the meantime by feeling this way, by feeling like so hopeless and like really down about it, so it doesn't serve you in the long term or for your dunya or your akhirah either.

Speaker 1:

So I like to say just make dua. I want Allah to be the center of my world, not marriage. I want allah to. I want to be connected, so connected to you, ya allah, that I don't care about anything else and that I do things that please you, ya allah, and only send me things that please, that are pleasing to you, ya allah. So when you do focus on that and you work on, ya allah, give me the skills to be in a healthy, beautiful marriage. Give me the skills to learn how to navigate my triggers. Give me this, all that, and that will help Allah. Inshallah, when you ask from the source of the one who can help you.

Speaker 2:

I love this. Instead of focusing on the problem, we direct our dua and our energy on what can we do to become better and to become closer to allah. I love it. It's, it's a gem. Thank you, uh, okay, anyone who is interested in reaching out, working with you? How can they reach you and what services exactly do you offer?

Speaker 1:

yeah, so you, um, I do have a public youtube page. You can. There's so much, so many many things to learn on that, so you just start there just to find out more about me. See, if the my my, the way I talk, if it clicks with you, then if it resonates with you, then we go to the deeper work, which is, if you go on my website it's lamaubakercom, it's my full name, l-a-m-a-a-b-o-u-b-a-k-rcom you, there's the inner shift course, which is, um, the kind of the course that I kind of teach to to uh, take things to a deeper level. And then the next step, if you can always uh, you can always book a one-off session with me to get started, and I offer different types of uh sessions to to a variety of packages to kind of look into. But I would start there and my instagram is um and same. You can check me out there as well and you can uh. You can message me if you have any questions on ways to work with me inshallah.

Speaker 2:

we will link all your, all these sources in the description of this episode. Um, thank you so much for your insight, for the hope I feel hopeful, like I feel hopeful for every, for single people out there. Yeah, thank you for your time and thank you to our beautiful listeners. We will see you, inshallah, in the next episode. Salam alaikum.