Diary of a Matchmaker

Polygamy: Is It Worth The Drama?

• Halal Match • Episode 53

Share episode

"I wish she gave me more attention.. Why do I have to beg for intimacy?.. Maybe I should consider a second wife!" 

Today we're unpacking a trend we’re seeing more often: men considering polygamy, and women actually open to it. While polygamy is part of our faith, it’s not a free pass for avoiding deeper issues in a marriage. 

We also talk about the practical side: the legal messiness of polygamy in the West (it’s actually criminal in Canada), the emotional toll on everyone involved, and why it’s not always the solution people think it is.

This episode isn’t here to judge, but to offer a real talk on what’s halal, what’s practical, and what might need more therapy than a second nikah. Give it a listen. You might come out with more questions than answers (and that’s kind of the point). 

Support the show

Your support helps us keep these conversations going and tackle the chaos of finding love, one episode at a time. Consider buying us a coffee here: https://buymeacoffee.com/hibaandzaid

Speaker 1:

I wish she gave me more attention. Why do I constantly have to beg for intimacy? Sometimes I wish I could just come home to a nice home-cooked meal. Maybe I should just consider a second wife.

Speaker 2:

Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.

Speaker 1:

And I'm Zaid.

Speaker 2:

You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 1:

A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 2:

We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 1:

So let's dive in. Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode. My name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host.

Speaker 2:

Hiba. Assalamu alaikum.

Speaker 1:

So these thoughts and feelings are not too far from reality. We've been seeing it all over Instagram. We heard it from a scholar that we recently interviewed, so it's clear that there's this wave, there's this current right now where men are not satisfied in their marriages and, on the flip side, some women are considering becoming a second wife. So, of course, naturally, we thought why don't we dedicate an episode to polygamy? Yeah, and so where do we start? We could start with the Islamic precedent behind polygamy.

Speaker 2:

Honestly, we're not going to spend too much time stating the obvious, which is polygamy is permissible in Islam. It's not a sunnah, it's not frowned upon, it's not mustahab. It's just permissible for certain men who have certain needs and who are able to meet certain conditions.

Speaker 1:

Right. And to add to that too, it's also important to understand that when it happened historically during the prophet's time, it wasn't just to satisfy the needs of men, but also it was to protect women. Sometimes, um, women would become widows. Their husbands would die in war. Uh, so, to avoid poverty and to avoid them becoming prey to society, they would become a second wife which still applies. It still applies, yeah so there are multiple reasons and precedents for which polygamy was allowed back then of course, of course.

Speaker 2:

So no one should pass any judgment when they hear of a case, and but regardless, the question we are tackling today, or the topic of today's episode, is polygamy for muslims in the west specifically and as a disclaimer, we're not for or against polygamy yeah, all right, we're going to try to be as objective as we can, as hard as it sounds, oh, we're going to try to be objective.

Speaker 1:

So why do some men consider polygamy today?

Speaker 2:

Why You're a man, you tell me.

Speaker 1:

You're acting as if I'm considering a second wife.

Speaker 2:

Well, if you know what's best for you, you wouldn't.

Speaker 1:

Oh no, is that a threat? So, based on what we've been seeing and what I've heard is that men are not sexually satisfied in their marriages. Um, there is also the feminist movement happening where and I've actually read this in some cases where women are weaponizing sex. Um, of course, women are becoming. Now it just sounds kind of like I'm putting women down and women are the source of the problem. That's not what I'm saying here. Like I said, this is word for word what I'm seeing. Right, there are literally cases of these things happening where women are putting more time into the workforce and so that's naturally taking time away from home and what else. What other reasons are there?

Speaker 2:

Maybe some women are not emotionally available, or like maybe some men feel like they lost the spark and they live in a loveless marriage and it's just becoming so boring there's no, like it's becoming vanilla, I guess right, especially with what we see in movies and just in pop culture. There's this excitement, there's romance, there's this spark and a lot of times we are influenced, even subconsciously.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, where we think every day of marriage should be like the first. That's not going to happen. So the question is is how do we, how do we solve this problem? Is it just communication? Or where we just have a sit down? We sit down and just say, hey, we need to figure this out.

Speaker 2:

or I wish I wish it was like this, but I feel like some men consider, uh, marrying a second wife immediately before considering the other options. Which is communication? Which is maybe seeking counseling, couples therapy, just trying to understand each other and solve the problem instead of solving it with another problem right, right, and not everybody can afford counseling. But if you can afford a second wife, you sure can afford counseling that's a fair point.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, fair point and also, if a man feels like marrying a second wife is going to be the answer to his problems with his first marriage, then he's just going to be taking the same problems with him to the next marriage and repeating the same, magnify the problem Exactly For sure.

Speaker 1:

It's kind of like with divorce If you haven't learned anything from your first marriage, then you're just going to repeat the same mistakes.

Speaker 2:

And the condition for a man to be able to marry more than one wife is justice. And we're not just talking about like in terms of finances, but in terms of how much resources, how much time you spend with each one of them, in terms of gifts, in terms of like as much as you can be fair with your emotions and attention, and all of that. But unfortunately, not a lot of men apply this which is sad.

Speaker 2:

Which is sad you mentioned the other day where, uh, there's a village in palestine where polygamy is practiced yeah, uh, so the most southern part of palestine is called beir sabir and it's more of a like a bedouin society there and it's pretty common for their men to marry more than one woman, and sometimes even four at the same time. And, um, yeah, unfortunately the results aren't very beautiful, I would say, because you would see a lot of poverty there, like a man barely able to support his wife goes and marries a second and then has children from her and maybe marries a third or a fourth, and there's a lot of lack of education about it and just men practicing some men practicing polygamy, thinking it's part of sunnah, like I'm imitating, trying to follow the Prophet, and it's not the case. This is not true.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's a very distorted understanding of Islam. Yeah, yeah. So let's talk about the flip side. You know a woman considering becoming a second wife so okay, let's picture this.

Speaker 2:

There's this girl. She's in her late 30s, maybe mid 40s, somewhere in between, and she's been struggling for years, no luck.

Speaker 2:

She hasn't been able to find Mr Right and her parents are getting older and she's afraid she might grow old alone. She doesn't want to do that. She gets a good proposal from this man. He's in his 40s, he's established, he's promising her stability, he's promising her a good life and she will be protected, and he sounds sincere. And she's conflicted. Now should she consider? I mean, this wasn't the ideal situation she was hoping for, but I guess something's better than nothing, she might think. Now.

Speaker 1:

That's a tricky situation it is, it is because it's not like she's doing anything haram while at the same time she is doing something illegal.

Speaker 2:

So we're gonna get to the legal part. Yeah, we'll get to that. We'll get to that part so it's, it's tough.

Speaker 1:

I mean you don't want to tell a girl, hey, just stay single.

Speaker 2:

Or, as in you say in your culture, nasib, just wait for nasib to have it, yeah right but, at the same time, if you're saying yes to this proposal just because you're afraid you're gonna grow old alone, then your judgment might be skewed because it might blind you from seeing certain red flags around about this person, or maybe the person himself the guy himself is, has good intentions and he's sincere, like we said. But you need to consider the other angles of the entire situation, like, for example, no matter how good the guy is and no matter how good your intentions are, there's always going to be an element of jealousy between you and his first wife. You're both competing for his attention, his time, his emotions, his love, I guess, and you both deserve it, and there's always going to be this element. So you need to be a strong woman to be able to handle the situation without it affecting you mentally and psychologically right.

Speaker 1:

At the end of the day, you're marrying a human being, you know, and your husband can only divide his time and his resources so much and jealousy will happen. I mean, the prophet, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, dealt with jealousy amongst his wives.

Speaker 2:

No one can be more just and fair than the prophet. Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam mean the prophet dealt with jealousy amongst his wives.

Speaker 2:

No one can be more just and fair than the prophet so if he dealt with that, then it's probably very likely that it's going to happen with you and you know, there's a side that's not talked about, which is the psychological state of the man himself, because he's always trying to please both women, he's trying to avoid, um, like problems and fights and all of that, not to mention also children, especially if there's going to be children from the second marriage. So he's trying to please everyone and he's never going to be able to like, be like the prophet, so somebody is always going to be unhappy.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and also I don't know if we should dive too deep into this, but it's not Urf. We're living in the West, so we can't just say that hey, it was a custom back then, that was Urf. So, hey, we're trying to go back to the roots and bring back the way Islam was practiced back then. Just because it was practiced back then, just because it was practiced back then, doesn't mean it's like it's one of the pillars of Islam. It's an integral part of Islam.

Speaker 2:

We're not saying that I'm glad you mentioned Urf because it might be Urf in certain societies today, not just in the past, like in Khalij in Saudi, for example, and some regions in Saudi.

Speaker 2:

It is Urf. It is like it is Urf, it's very natural. So that's a different situation. But we're talking about Muslims living in the West, which leads us to the next problem, the next complication, the legal complication. So in America, as well as Canada, as well as most of Western countries, if not all, a polygamy is illegal, and when we say illegal, it means that it carries legal implications. For example, in Canada, where we reside, polygamy is punishable by law to up to five years in prison. It's a crime considered a crime, fine as well. There's a fine on top of that? The States, I'm not sure there's there's a fine on top of that. Um, the states, I'm not sure. There's, uh like imprisonment or anything, but it's also illegal, uh, whatever uk in the uk?

Speaker 2:

I'm not sure. I didn't do my research there. Besides the fact that you might like, face legal implications there's so much complexities. The second marriage is not going to be a marriage that's recognized by the state itself, which means you're not going to get any kind of spousal support in case of the man dying. You're not included in the inheritance, there's no alimony, there's no support for the inheritance, there's no alimony, there's no support for the children. There's even legal implications with CRA if the man tries to file for taxes for both his wives in a sneaky way or something. In case of immigration and sponsorship. There's also a lot of legal headache that comes with it. So that's just like a drop in the ocean of just all the legal proceedings and implication that come with marrying a second wife. Now that's the thing. Is it worth it?

Speaker 1:

no, we're not gonna answer that, no, that to answer that?

Speaker 2:

No, that's a question for the woman to answer herself, because women are different. Each situation is different, right, but it's important. What we're trying to do here is just make you aware of some things that you might have not considered when you got this proposal, which looks so attractive, right? So it's important to look into all of these matters.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and needless to say, I mean, let's talk about this. Imams play a role in all this. So Alhamdulillah, here in the West we have some very well-educated, balanced scholars that aren't extreme on either ends of the spectrum, and as far as I've seen, I haven't seen any Western scholar advocate for polygamy or, you know, saying that it's a solution to marital problems, but at the same time, I do feel like they play a very important role when advising people.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, of course. If a man and a woman come to this imam to get married she's going to be a second wife Then it's important that the imam asks her certain questions to make sure that she.

Speaker 1:

I don't think any imam would conduct a nikah. You don't think so. I know at least my friend who does nikahs back home. He would not do it.

Speaker 2:

Because he could get in legal trouble. Exactly.

Speaker 1:

So I don't think any imam worth his salt would ever do that. If you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't know where to seek help, let us help you. We can be your personal matchmakers.

Speaker 2:

Visit us at halalmatchca and book a free call with us. Let's say you decided to say yes. Let's say the guy is great. Let's say his first wife is even aware of this, which is like that's a whole nother topic to discuss later, which is should the first woman be informed? Is it a condition that she knows or not?

Speaker 2:

Regardless, that's more of like a fiqh question, not for us, but let's say the whole situation sounds good and perfect. You have to consider also, uh, our society, our judgmental society that we live in. No matter where you go, you're always going to be looked at as the second wife, as the second option, as this home ruiner, right, this intruder. Uh, people are going gonna be whispering behind your back, even at messages.

Speaker 1:

Unfortunately, they're gonna be side eyeing you yeah, because at the end of the day, we live in a non-muslim society.

Speaker 2:

So no, but I'm talking about muslims.

Speaker 1:

Even muslims are gonna be judging right we're still a minority, so we we've taken on these western views. Polygamy is not commonplace here, so for us to unless you live in utah right. So naturally we're going to. For us, polygamy is going to be this very strange foreign thing.

Speaker 1:

So if we're going to see it in our society we're going to think, oh it's weird it's weird, right like even though it's part of our religion is if I knew, if I had a Muslim neighbor that I knew had a second wife? I'm not going to lie, I would be. I would have some like ill feelings about it.

Speaker 2:

I would. I think deep down I would, but I think I would try to suppress my judgment until I get a better understanding of that situation, which is not my business anyway.

Speaker 1:

Not your business, but just from a surface value standpoint like you just know that this is a guy that has a second wife.

Speaker 2:

How would you feel? It would make me feel iffy, to say the least.

Speaker 1:

Because it just naturally stirs up those feelings, because we don't live in that kind of society. Exactly, exactly.

Speaker 2:

It's all about context. It's all about urf. If you grew up with it then yeah like it's natural right.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I mean, this is kind of a bad analogy, but it still relates. It's um kind of like slavery back then okay right, whereas slavery it wasn't looked down upon because it was commonplace. It was practiced across the world. Right, it wasn't forbidden at the time. Now, regardless of how it was practiced and the way it was practiced, in amer.

Speaker 1:

It was practiced across the world, right, it wasn't forbidden at the time. Now, regardless of how it was practiced and the way it was practiced in America I'm not going to get into all that, but the analogy is still there, right, like where you grew up, in that society. You don't think it's a bad thing.

Speaker 2:

I guess. Yeah, that's a weird analogy to use, but if you want to learn about slavery and the context and all of that, there is a beautiful talk on. Youtube by Dr Jonathan Brown. We've watched it twice or three times so far. And every time we learn something new.

Speaker 1:

Oh yeah, Highly recommended For sure.

Speaker 2:

But yeah, let's go back to the judgment of society. So even if people might judge and people actually will judge it doesn't mean that it's wrong. It doesn't mean that it's right. People are going to judge anyway. What we're trying to tell you, sister, if you are considering something like this, is that you should be aware of what's awaiting you, no matter how great the guy is. You can control the society around you. So you have to have a strong will, thick skin and uh, just not care, because at the end of the day, you're not doing anything haram yeah, so do you feel pop culture plays a part in this?

Speaker 2:

pop, pop culture. Oh yeah, this reminds me, actually, when I was young. The Arab millennials will know this show that I'm talking about. It's called Al Hajj Mitwali, so it's a TV series in Egyptian and it talks about this guy, mitwali, who had four wives. Each marriage had its own circumstances and he was always putting off fires left and right, putting out putting out fires left and right, and he had this like building with like different flats, and all his wives lived in that building. Each had her own flat and children grew up together and sometimes they were so loving to each other and sometimes they were fighting like cats and the guy was just trying to do his best.

Speaker 2:

But suddenly I feel nostalgic. I feel like watching a few episodes here and there. But, yeah, regardless, you talked about pop culture. I feel like Instagram can make anything look nice and attractive, no matter how right or wrong it is. So what you see in social media, if you see like happy families, happy polygamous families on instagram and the like the two wives, or in arabic it's called the raer, which is two wives to the same man, they might look happy, they might look like they're sisters.

Speaker 1:

I mean there's docu-series and documentaries of Mormons. I feel like Western society has kind of warped the whole idea of polygamy.

Speaker 2:

Yeah they've hijacked it.

Speaker 1:

They have hijacked it to make it look like it's, like this twisted cult of people that are just religious extremists.

Speaker 2:

It's hideous. I've seen a lot of documentaries. Honestly, for some reason I always end up watching these documentaries and in a lot of these situations the man is married to his wives number of his wives and he gets married to his daughters To his mahrams. To his mahrams and the daughters of his wives from previous marriages and it's like a cult, like you said, sick cult, yeah, and yeah, it ruins it for everyone, I guess.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it does.

Speaker 2:

Actually there is an app or mat matrimonial website. It's called second wife and it's for muslim men who are looking to marry a second wife.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, remember when I was in pakistan, I sent you a picture?

Speaker 2:

yeah, I just remember it's called second wife restaurant I wonder what made the guy decide on this name oh, oh God.

Speaker 1:

Maybe it's because it's like you just see that sign on the highway and it just catches your eye. So maybe that was part of his marketing strategy.

Speaker 2:

Oh, that's smart, I guess yeah. Now question is should you consider polygamy?

Speaker 1:

I don't know. Should you consider polygamy?

Speaker 2:

I hope you would say no oh, you're asking me directly no, I'm not I'm just joking.

Speaker 1:

Uh, should you consider polygamy? I don't know it's, that's a tough one okay let me throw a hypothetical situation at you I hope it's not what I'm thinking. Oh, it is, it is so a man is married to a woman. His wife is in a vegetative state and she's alive, but she's been in that state for some time and the husband has needs, needs, a companion.

Speaker 2:

What should he do? Is there any chance?

Speaker 1:

she might get better. Doesn't look like it, and even if she does, she won't. She'll need around the clock care she won't be the same person she was okay.

Speaker 2:

So for the woman who might end up being a second wife to this man, if she is willing to take the risk of all these legal implications that she's not going to have any rights whatsoever because the man is not going to divorce his wife in this situation, that would be like very uncivilized thing to do, right? So if she's willing to take the risk, the legal risk, then that's up to her.

Speaker 1:

Now for the man himself, I think we're talking about the man we're talking about the man.

Speaker 2:

I would hope that the shahem thing, the chivalrous thing to do in this case is care for his wife of course that's a no-brainer.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, but he's a man, he has needs what is he supposed to do?

Speaker 2:

in this case, second marriage could be a solution, but what are we gonna do to him? But what are we gonna do about the legal problems?

Speaker 1:

you take the wife that's in a vegetative state, take her to a muslim country, marry a second wife, and so they both have rights so you relocate to a muslim country yeah that sounds so ideal.

Speaker 2:

Like it doesn't work like this, what Okay?

Speaker 1:

we're talking. Okay, let's say that is an option. Then I would do that. Otherwise, what would you do? Okay, let's say he can't relocate to a Muslim country.

Speaker 2:

Then what? Either he learns to control his needs and desires.

Speaker 1:

Wow.

Speaker 2:

Either, or he just takes a second wife and also takes the risk, the legal implications yeah, I don't have an answer for that.

Speaker 1:

It's a tough situation, that's the thing.

Speaker 2:

Polygamy or marrying a second wife should be the last solution.

Speaker 1:

The last resort.

Speaker 2:

Exactly. You have problems with your wife, you, you seek counseling. Uh, you are getting older and you're not finding Mr Right. You keep putting all your eggs in different baskets and trying different services and, uh, putting yourself out there and asking your friends to recommend you. And you do everything you can but at the end of the day, there are situations that polygamy is going to be the solution to okay, fair point, fair point I feel like we've asked questions in this episode more than we answered, and I feel like we left listeners with more things to think about, like maybe people came looking for answers in this episode and they didn't leave with answers to their questions that's fine because, we.

Speaker 1:

Our intention was not to be too one-sided. Our intention was to just present the subject, try to be as neutral as possible and leave you guys to evaluate your circumstances and see what the best decision is for you guys. Hopefully this episode sparked some new thoughts and ideas and gave you guys a fresh perspective. And if it did, please don't keep this episode to yourself. Share it with a friend, share it with a colleague, share it with anybody who could use this. And if you guys are hungry for more conversations About the topic of finding a spouse, check out previous episodes. We've covered tons of topics.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, alhamdulillah, we just crossed one year and this is actually episode 53. Which makes it the first episode in year number two.

Speaker 1:

We've survived. We've survived Alhamdulillah.

Speaker 2:

Alhamdulillah, it's all because of Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la's blessing, because of your support, your downloads. So let's aim for another year of insightful conversations, inshallah.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, next couple of weeks, inshallah. Yeah, next couple of weeks, inshallah. I'm really excited for because we're going to be sharing stories. I won't give away too much, but definitely stay tuned for next week. Yeah, until next time then.

Speaker 2:

Assalamu alaikum.

Speaker 1:

Assalamu alaikum.