Diary of a Matchmaker

Misyar Marriage: A Loophole or a Lifeline?

• Halal Match • Episode 55

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Misyar marriage—halal but hotly debated. In this episode, we break down what it actually is, why some people turn to it, and why scholars aren’t exactly cheering it on. Think: waived rights, complicated intentions, and a whole lot of ethical gray area. We cover everything from divorced moms looking for companionship to men using it as a loophole—and why that’s a problem. With shifting gender roles and evolving needs, Misyar is becoming more common, but is it the right move? We get into the real talk: when it works, when it hurts, and what to know before diving in.

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Speaker 1:

I really like you and I want to move forward. I know I don't earn a lot, but we have so much in common. I can see that you're independent and you're taking care of yourself, but I just want something halal, so would you consider a Missyar marriage?

Speaker 2:

Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba and I'm Zaid. You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 1:

A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 2:

We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 1:

So let's dive in. Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode. My name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host Hiba.

Speaker 2:

Assalamu alaikum.

Speaker 1:

A few weeks ago we got an inquiry via email asking us if we do missyar marriages and no, we don't. But it kind of sparked something where I wanted to learn more about what missyar marriages were, and yeah, and then it just led it into preparing for this episode yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:

I remember in sharia school, when I was taking family law, uh, course, um, we came across the concept of marriage. We didn't go into too much depth because it's not something that's common in like jordan and like the region. Uh, as far as I understand, it originated originated in the Gulf countries, but yeah, let's explore it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's a relatively new concept, not more than maybe 30 years old. Yeah, like you said, it came out of circumstances Specifically around that region. Yeah, so what is a missyar marriage?

Speaker 2:

So a missyar marriage is an Islamically valid marriage. It's a halal marriage that meets all five conditions, which are, of course, a bride and groom, a proposal on acceptance, mahr wali and witnesses. But in this case, the guy and a girl agree for the wife, for the woman, to waive some of her rights. Those rights could be financial, housing, intimacy, spending time, whatever they agree on. Whatever they agree on is mutual and both of them give their consent. There's no forcing or twisting someone's arm in a miss your marriage.

Speaker 1:

So you can see that this is a bit of a strange situation.

Speaker 2:

It is a strange situation that suits certain circumstances that we are going to explore later, but the most important thing to remember, like we said, is that it's Islamically, technically it's valid, it's halal and it's different from mut'a marriage. Mut'a marriage is a pleasure marriage which basically it's a temporary marriage. That's not acceptable in Sunni Islam. It's acceptable in the 12 imams, shia, and that we're not going to discuss here. So that's Misyar in a nutshell yeah, so let's.

Speaker 1:

I mean, are there differences between different madhabs? So what does our deen say about it?

Speaker 2:

so most scholars, whether it's contemporary or, like the previous generations, older scholars most of them agree that it's technically allowed, it's halal, there's no problem with it, but almost the majority of them they don't encourage it. It's not the ideal marriage that our dean promotes and encourages.

Speaker 1:

Because naturally women, it's part of their fitah right that they want to be taken care of so immediately.

Speaker 2:

If you're waving that right it, it sets you up for vulnerability and and maybe problems down the line so the reason that it's encouraged, it's discouraged, it's because, even though it's technically allowed, so in a lot of cases the woman is, like you said, is taken advantage of right because to be taken advantage of exactly exactly, uh, but why would anyone consider miss your marriage?

Speaker 1:

there's so many different circumstances, I mean we could just go through a few.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, let's explore it through some scenarios.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So let's say Fatima, for example. She's 42 years old, divorced, with two kids. She's not looking for someone to move in or raise her children, just wants emotional support and halal intimacy. Uh, missy feels like it's the only option that um takes into account her needs without disrupting her kids lives. So is this something that fatima should consider, given her circumstances?

Speaker 2:

let's explore her situation like, especially when there are kids, you as a mother, you're worried about bringing a stranger to live with them and suddenly he's taking on the father figure, right, and maybe the kids aren't going to accept him, maybe it's going to create jealousy between the kids and the father. She's 42. She's independent, she wants to maintain her lifestyle, right, but apparently she has needs like like anyone else.

Speaker 1:

Miss yar could be an answer to her case it could be um, but what would be the cons in the situation?

Speaker 2:

so let's backtrack the cons in the situation. So let's backtrack. Miss yar is not a secret, by the way. It could be secret as in. It could be secret as in. Uh, they both agree.

Speaker 1:

They are not gonna announce it to the community right, so remember this marriage has met the condition of witnesses.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, exactly yeah, and in a lot of cases it's kept secret from the community because maybe the guy is married and he doesn't want all the drama, maybe he doesn't want his first wife to know not just that, but there's no requirement or need to publicize to the community that hey, that's the girls waved her um her right oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah.

Speaker 1:

So that's between the bride and groom.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's. It could be an option for Fatima in this case. I guess, but hopefully that the guy isn't going to take advantage of her.

Speaker 1:

Hopefully, not yeah.

Speaker 2:

And also, even if she waives her financial rights, it doesn't mean that she's going to spend on him. It just means that she can take care of herself. She doesn't expect him to spend on her.

Speaker 1:

Right. What if she's in a situation where she can't take care of herself?

Speaker 2:

Then Misyar is not good for her.

Speaker 1:

I mean down the line, I mean Down the line.

Speaker 2:

That's a good question, because you're not entering Misyar with the hopes that circumstances are going to change later. Or he's going to change his mind later and he's going to move in, or he's going to start spending on you Like al-muslimuna a'inda shurutuhim. Like Muslims keep their promises and keep their vows and conditions right. So whatever you guys agree on, that should be fulfilled. If he changes his mind in the future, good for both of you, but that shouldn't be expected.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so let's try another scenario Amina. She's 29 years old. She's done with the dating culture, tired of emotional roller coasters. She meets someone at the masjid who offers a missyar marriage. He's not ready for a full marriage, but he wants something okay. Uh, she's hesitant but also scared of falling into haram. What should she do?

Speaker 2:

so that's a question why isn't he ready for a full marriage? Is it because he's not financially stable, or because he just wants to test it out, or it all goes back to intention.

Speaker 1:

It's not that he's not ready, he's just he could be earning a very low paying job. He could be I don't know a daycare worker. He could be in between school, right. He could have faced a setback where he moved to another country, uh could be a refugee. I mean. There's millions of different scenarios, right. So I feel like sometimes girls just get this immediate impression that this guy is a loser, he's not doing anything worthwhile in his life and he's like, oh my god at this, he should be successful in earning so much money. But people come in all different stripes.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, but we're talking about a major commitment. We're not talking about postponing the marriage for a few years until he's back on his feet. No, we're talking about entering a marriage with the expectation that she's waiving rights, right. So that's why I ask why isn't he ready for a full marriage? Is it because he wants just to test the waters and see, do I like the idea of being married, do I like her or not? Because, like we said, miss your marriage is not temporary marriage, right.

Speaker 1:

Right, it's a long-term commitment.

Speaker 2:

It's long-term commitment. Yeah, our cat is so bored right now and he's just jumping on the cupboards and trying to draw our attention yeah. You want to say something Kiwi to the audience? Hey, if you have a story to tell, we'd love to have you on here. You'll find a safe space of listeners who can understand what you're going through. Just shoot us an email with a summary of your story at info at halalmatchca.

Speaker 1:

So let's try another example, a much younger couple, ali and Maryam. They're both 24, studying in different cities. They can't afford to live together or get families involved. Just yet they get married in secret through Misyar while they finish school.

Speaker 2:

Red lights.

Speaker 1:

I see right now so first of all, misyar, marriage is not a secret marriage. It does involve the wali, it does involve witnesses. Again marriage, it does involve the wali, it does involve witnesses again. Uh. Secondly, there's no reason why this marriage for these two, or at least a, nikah can't happen, right exactly right because you're both in school. I mean, given that the parents are on board and understanding, there is a way to make this work yeah, miss yar, should be the last option I would say and like for very specific cases.

Speaker 2:

But in this case they're both young. They can like have their nikah, of course, with the knowledge and like acceptance of family and wali. And even if they can't live together right now, they can like have their nikah and get married, have the wedding when they are able't live together right now. They can have their nikah and get married, have the wedding when they are able to live together. But jumping into a messiah marriage, especially at this young age, just because they can't live together right now, it sounds like a very extreme measure, let alone that we're saying families are not involved, which makes it not a marriage Too many red flags.

Speaker 2:

Too many red flags.

Speaker 1:

I think the one thing that I forgot to mention is that this does not exclude the importance of assessing compatibility. Yes, absolutely, this is very important that Missy, our marriage number one, it should only be considered in extreme circumstances. And secondly, it should also only be considered in extreme circumstances and secondly, it should also only be considered once everything else is crossed off yes in terms of assessment?

Speaker 1:

are you, are your goals aligning? Are your values aligning? Are your expectations, lifestyle expectations? All of those things? Have you to discuss those things? Have you asked one another the important questions? All of those things should be done, yeah, ahead of time. Yeah, um, let's try another example. Uh kareem, he's 35 years old, doesn't believe in dating and doesn't want to commit anything haram. He offers a misyard arrangement to multiple women over the years, always ending them after a few months. He says it's a halal option. Others call it manipulation. Hmm, so where is the line between what's legally halal and what's emotionally damaging?

Speaker 2:

what's legally halal and what's emotionally damaging. I think something that's technically halal doesn't immediately makes it okay, because you could use something halal to commit something haram.

Speaker 2:

You could use some you could use something uh, halal to hurt other people. Like, for example let's say you have a vineyard, okay, okay, you don't sell alcohol. You just plant grapes and you sell the grapes. You sell the harvest. You know you're selling it to someone who's going to make alcohol with it. Let's say we're talking about a Muslim country, you know you're selling it to someone who's going to make wine with it and's say we're talking about a muslim country, you know you're selling it to someone who's going to make wine with it and sell it to muslims so even though you're not making the alcohol yourself.

Speaker 2:

Planting grapes and growing grapes is halal, but you're using it, you're manipulating the deen to make something, commit something haram.

Speaker 1:

That's what.

Speaker 2:

Kareem is doing here.

Speaker 1:

Okay.

Speaker 2:

Because he's ending marriages after a few months, meaning and he's doing this to multiple wives, meaning he's treating it as a temporary marriage. Mut'a'a marriage Mut'a'a marriage Without letting the other party know that he's going to end the marriage, which makes it haram. If there's a timeline time limit on it, deadline, which makes it haram. If there's a timeline time limit on it deadline, it makes it not valid marriage right right and he's just using the fact that the fact that technically, missyar is halal, using it to fulfill his physical needs right.

Speaker 1:

So yeah, like you said, he's definitely manipulating the religion. And not just that, he's going in with the intention of not even doing a proper missy our marriage he's just, he's definitely just going in with the intention of doing a marriage. So the intention right there from the get-go is already bad yeah, everything starts with intention.

Speaker 2:

you could be doing something that's super halal technically, but with the wrong intention, like you, can fool everyone except yourself and Allah. You can't fool Allah.

Speaker 1:

For sure, let's try a situation with a much older woman.

Speaker 2:

Okay.

Speaker 1:

So, for example, let's say her name is Samira, she's 58 years old, uh, widowed, lonely. Uh doesn't want to remarry in a traditional sense or have someone take over her life. She finds peace in a missy arrangement with an older man who respects her independence. Can is missy are something you think that could probably serve an aging population?

Speaker 2:

so why doesn't she want to live with him?

Speaker 1:

well, she is independent, she has enough savings and money to take care of herself, and he could be somebody that doesn't have as much money, but he can offer emotional support.

Speaker 2:

Okay, I think in this case you mentioned, the gentleman is older than her, but maybe, like you said, for the aging population, this could be a solution. You know, getting married when you're in your 60s or 50s or 70s or whatever, like it's a huge adjustment, like you've lived all your life without a partner and now there's this person living with you, you're sleeping next to them, waking up next to them. They are with you 24 7 and it could be a major inconvenience, but at the same time you want the benefits of marriage, the emotional support, the companionship once in a while, the maybe even intimacy, even at a later age, later stage in life. I think in that case missy r could be, especially if the woman is independent and like doing well for herself. So it's not like he's an old guy, she's a young girl and he's gonna take advantage of her right. Like she has life experience, maybe she has kids, she's doing well financially I think as a whole miss your marriage.

Speaker 1:

When I think more about the concept, I feel like it could serve older women more and older men. And older men, but it definitely benefits younger men too, because they're waiving financial responsibility. So, that's it, or excusing themselves from it.

Speaker 2:

Exactly. Why is the guy interested, like in general, not in this specific case? Why is a guy would be interested in a miss your marriage?

Speaker 1:

obviously, because, hey, I don't have to like provide for this girl, she can take care of herself.

Speaker 2:

So yay, so win-win yeah, that I don't like, that I don't like but there's a flip side to everything.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes it could be just due to circumstance. The guy could genuinely not have the means to financially take care of a wife.

Speaker 2:

Exactly. In that case, then yeah. But if the guy is doing it just to take advantage of this loophole, I guess he's not taking advantage.

Speaker 1:

She's agreeing to it.

Speaker 2:

She's agreeing to it. But what if he's able and capable of spending on her?

Speaker 1:

but just because she waved the right is like okay, I'm saving like, then maybe it should be laid out in the contract that if the guy reaches a point whether it's through his day job or as an entrepreneur, whatever it might be if he gets to a point where he is able to take care of her and she's able to take it easy from her, from her job, then maybe it should be laid out in the contract that, hey, you're going to be taking responsibility financially for me okay, and is that?

Speaker 2:

is that allowed? That's a question. Is that still considered? Miss you are?

Speaker 1:

um, I mean, circumstances change in a marriage and I don't see a reason why you can't just put that in the contract. There's nothing that I've come across that says okay, you are not allowed to put this in the contract.

Speaker 2:

As long as they're agreeing to something halal, yeah, so yeah. That could be an option.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, circumstances change then. Yeah, you got to take care of me. That's pretty much it. Now let's try exploring a scenario with a secret wife.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I like it.

Speaker 1:

So Tarek is 40 years old. He's married with children. He takes a second wife via Misyar without telling his first. She finds out months later and feels completely betrayed. He argues it's his right. She files for divorce. He, islamically, he doesn't need to tell his first wife. Right, he didn't miss your marriage, which means he didn't do anything haram. Where does tariq stand in all this?

Speaker 2:

well, technically he can get married without telling his first wife. But is it ethical? Like it's the mother of your children, it's your other half, your life partner, and you do like we're not talking about he, I don't know, he bought a new car without telling her, right, right, we're not talking about. Like he has a bank account saving account that she's not aware of. We're talking about now his sharing, sharing bed with another wife and his first wife doesn't know this. Is it ethical?

Speaker 1:

no, of course, of course it's not. Yeah now.

Speaker 2:

Now men could actually say well, if I dare and mention it to her, she's immediately gonna leave me or divorce me or take the kids, and so, like I'm forced into this situation of keeping it a secret, that's. That's another discussion for another day it's, yeah, I think it is.

Speaker 1:

You can't talk about this without also discussing the, the circumstances and the need for tarik to take on a second wife yeah, wife, yeah why is he considering a second wife? It's not because he's just trying to stick it to a first wife it could be maybe, but that just sounds immature are there some needs that are not being met by the first wife?

Speaker 2:

if you're interested in listening to a full discussion on polygamy. We did an episode, I think, two weeks ago or three weeks ago. Two weeks ago, yeah, so yeah, but right now we're talking about messiah.

Speaker 1:

That's a tough one derek is definitely setting himself up for a big, big headache, big problems down the road.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think so too.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, but I think the one thing that we haven't considered is the circumstance for a revert Right.

Speaker 1:

So let's say Jessica, her name is, she's a new Muslim, she's 33 years old, doesn't have a Muslim family or any sort of community support, even though the Muslims should be supporting her in some way, but regardless community support, even though the masjid should be supporting her in some way, but regardless. She meets a practicing brother online who proposes miss ya as a safe and halal way to start marriage without all the pressure. She agrees but ends up isolated and confused about her role in rights. Are reverts more at risk of being taken advantage of through Misyar For sure?

Speaker 2:

I believe, For sure. He fully took advantage of the fact that she doesn't know about Islam like in depth and marriages and conditions, and yeah, that's, that's low, that's really low.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I think that was a no brainer. I don't even need to spend too much time on that one.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, we should actually dedicate an episode to reverts and the struggles they go through trying to get married.

Speaker 1:

We could just find a place where reverts could share their stories.

Speaker 2:

If you're a revert and you're listening, and you've been on a journey trying to get married, we'd love to hear you and listen to your story. So you know how to reach us just shoot us an email at info at halal matchca.

Speaker 1:

Yeah things happen like new um concepts and and practices happen out of circumstance. So I know you're not a historian, but what do you feel like was happening in that region of the world 20 or 30 years ago that kind of caused this new movement, this new practice to emerge?

Speaker 2:

well that what happened then is still happening now, which is the fact that there are a surplus of a single woman and not enough men, and that's, let's say that happened then. But right now was like the main reason for this is because marriages are becoming harder, because our society is making marriage, just getting married. It's making it harder, whether it's by the high maher's uh, family's demand, whether it's because of the age cultural expectations.

Speaker 2:

Whether it's because of the older we have a lot of older women who are single. They're very successful, they're independent, but they're still unmarried, so they find like a lifeline in this. Whether it's also because some men just don't want to commit, like commit in a full, proper marriage, traditional marriage. So they're just trying to find loopholes right. There's a lot of reasons.

Speaker 1:

And, yeah, the Muslim community has definitely made marriage not just difficult but not accessible. Right, like we've discussed in previous episodes, the segregation is playing a part. Not enough outlets and opportunities for people to get married, you know, just the random matrimonial events are not enough. You know, um, only recently, within the past few years, has there been so much of a focus on premarital workshops. Yeah, but but still, even now I wouldn't say that's the norm it's not, it's not the norm.

Speaker 2:

Like mashallah, our girls are like becoming so successful. Like we meet ceos, we meet professors, we meet surgeons, we meet and um, because they they're prioritizing their education. And this is in no way shape or form a judgment from us. This is just stating facts. We are seeing, and I'm sure you can see even yourselves uh, women are prioritizing things and putting off marriage until they are like independent and strong, and all of that and then it catches it catches up to them yeah so in those cases missy r becomes an option yeah, I it's just.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, like you said, it's not a priority um it comes second or third down the list sometimes yeah, yeah, gender roles have changed dramatically over time, just in society in general, and it also affected our Muslim society, our Muslim culture, and you see things that we wouldn't have seen before, like stay-at-home dads, like men demanding from the get-go 50, 50, yeah, um cr marriages, I guess so the important thing is always come back to the dean and look at what our dean says about these different topics and stuff I would say the most important thing is purify your intention.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you could do something so haram.

Speaker 1:

But using halal means so if you're a sister that's considering the idea of a miss your marriage, or you have come across this subject and or you know somebody that's considering miss your marriage, just realize and understand what your rights are as a wife and what you're giving up. And if you are pursuing a messiah marriage, just make sure you have written down on the contract what rights you're waiving.

Speaker 2:

And make sure you're not just agreeing because he's asking you to or he's pressuring you to right. It should be a decision that comes from you, from within. You're convinced of with that, convinced of that and you're convinced that this suits your lifestyle. This is what you want and not you're being pressured to do it yeah.

Speaker 1:

Secondly, have a timeline or a long-term vision of your marriage. Um, you know, marriages change. People's financial circumstances, living arrangements, change, so are you if, for example, let's say hypothetically, you're waiving, uh, the financial responsibility, right for the husband to provide for you financially? Um, and maybe down the road he will be earning more and will be able to provide for you financially? Is that something that you're looking to change in your marriage? What are you expecting him to provide for you financially? That's something to consider, to discuss and maybe even lay out in the contract, right?

Speaker 2:

yeah, so if your needs or expectations change over time, make sure there's room to renegotiate and that, like you said, if circumstances change, then, uh, responsibilities and rights would be changed as well yeah don't enter a mcr marriage just out of desperation and because the fear of missing out. Right, make sure it suits you. It suits your life, your circumstances and you're not going to be taken advantage of. Okay, what about the brothers? What advice can we give them?

Speaker 1:

be sincere, have your clear intentions. Don't come in with the intention of manipulating a girl. As a man, you should have a desire to provide for your wife, right? You shouldn't come in with the expectation that you know your wife's going to be the bread winner and I'm using the example of finances because that's the most commonly used right that um in the context of marriage or in the context of miss yar, that is waived. So come in with a sincere desire to provide for your wife, and if you can't, you can. You know everybody's circumstances and financial, financial circumstances are different, um. So have that open conversation. Um. Have a long-term plan. You know where? Where do you see yourself financially? Are you um looking to? You know, get further training, try entrepreneurship, whatever it is. You should have some sort of long-term financial goals. And where does a future wife fit into that?

Speaker 2:

yeah, and as cliche as it may sound, think about this wife. Think about this woman as if she were your sister. I know it's cliche and it's overused, but it really helps. Would you want your sister to be in a situation where she's used and taken and taken advantage of like?

Speaker 1:

you know yourself, you know your intentions, so be honest with yourself yeah, and also, just because she's waiving, for example, her financial needs, that doesn't mean you can ignore her emotional or spiritual needs I would say also think beyond logistics.

Speaker 2:

So just because she waived her rights for housing or financial support. But emotional safety and consistency and dignity are not optional. Whether it's traditional marriage or messiah marriage, you are still required to provide spiritual support, uh, emotional support.

Speaker 1:

Be there for her and not neglect her altogether, right yeah, I feel like we're putting a lot of the pressure on the guys we should.

Speaker 2:

We should because it's the girl that's giving up a lot and it's the girl that's usually and ends up in a situation where she's taken advantage of this is a huge thing, and if a guy doesn't have the right intentions or doesn't have clarity, he could think of the oh, I did not know, this is an option. I'm just gonna forego the traditional route. I didn't know, I can just like skip all of that.

Speaker 1:

This is great, but no it should be saved for special circumstances right right, um, again, if you guys, if you're a girl or a guy, considering the idea of a miss, your marriage, our suggestion would be number one consult with a local scholar, get their advice, somebody that understands the circumstances and needs of the local community. Don't consult with a scholar overseas. That's number one. And number two take the time to assess compatibility. Ask the important questions the long-term goals, the long-term vision of your marriage, how finances will fit into the picture, children, all of those important things. And number three do you have any third advice?

Speaker 2:

Of course, istikhara is always important Of course, of course.

Speaker 2:

Seek the advice of those who are near and dear, who would give you sincere advice and who know your situation and your circumstances. It's not the ideal marriage. Some situations it could be a lifeline. Some situations it could end up in a disaster. To be subjective, most cases it doesn't end up well. Most cases it ends up with the girl taking advantage of or it ends up in ugly divorces. But it doesn't mean that it shouldn't happen. Each circumstance is different, each case is different and, uh, I guess, until next time.