Diary of a Matchmaker
Getting married is tough for the vast majority of Muslims in the West. We know because we’ve been there. My (Zaid) journey spanned nearly nine years. It was filled with rejections and self-doubt. While I (Hiba) didn't know there was a journey to be on in the first place. After we got married we decided to create something different to help single Muslims complete their deen. And so our matchmaking service Halal Match was born.
After a few years of interviewing singles, a friend suggested we journal our stories. We tweaked that idea and turned it into a podcast. In ‘Diary of a Matchmaker’ we’ll take you through this unfamiliar world of matchmaking. We’ll share our stories, experiences, and much more. So say Bismillah and tune in.
Do you have a story to share? Email us at: info@halalmatch.ca
Find us on:
Website: https://halalmatch.ca/
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Diary of a Matchmaker
Ghosting: The Breakup You Never Saw Coming
Ghosting sucks, especially when you’re serious about marriage. You start overthinking: Did I say something wrong? Is it my looks? But usually, it’s not about you. In this episode we get real about ghosting, from both sides. Zaid admits he once micro-ghosted because he couldn’t be honest, while Hiba shares the pain of being left hanging. We break down why ghosting happens so much in Muslim courting, why silence feels “easier,” and what Islam says about honest communication.
Been ghosted or done the ghosting? This episode’s for you. Share your story on the Single Muslim Hotline!
Got a dilemma or story? The Single Muslim Hotline is here for you! We’ll play your anonymous messages in future episodes and offer real talk. Drop us a voice note 👇🏻
https://www.speakpipe.com/DiaryOfAMatchmaker
You meet someone, things are good, you're texting, maybe had a meeting or two, then nothing, silence. They disappear like the last slice of cake at a wedding. Is it something I said, something I wore? Did their mom find a better candidate overnight? Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba. And I'm Zaid, you're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2:A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.
Speaker 1:We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.
Speaker 2:So let's dive in. Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode. My name is Zaid and on the other mic is my wife and co-host Hiba.
Speaker 1:As-salamu alaykum.
Speaker 2:Ghosting, I'm sure, is a word everybody has heard of by now. It's a phenomenon most people are familiar with. We have both experienced it in some way, and we'll get into those stories in a little bit, and before we do, we just want to mention that through this episode, our intention is not to bash ghosters, but rather come at this with the perspective of understanding why people do it, what lessons we can learn from it, how we can grow from it and other things we can take away from ghosting. So let's start with the term itself. What is ghosting, hiba?
Speaker 1:It's cutting off communication with someone you're in talks to, of course for the purpose of marriage. With no explanation, they just disappear.
Speaker 2:Or another term, micro-ghosting.
Speaker 1:Yes, or breadcrumbing. I think this one is also the same one as breadcrumbing when somebody fades away slowly, they take longer to reply to your messages, they don't return phone calls and it just like it's gradual, gradual ghosting okay, I'm not sure if that's still breadcrumbing.
Speaker 2:I might have to look into breadcrumbing okay, so many gen z terms.
Speaker 1:I feel so old right now yeah.
Speaker 2:So why do people do? It is the big question. Why do people suddenly cut off communication and, as we were preparing for this episode, it reminded me of something that I was not very proud of, which was ghosting somebody prior to us getting married.
Speaker 1:So you were the ghoster, not the ghosty, Exactly Actually.
Speaker 2:I have been both, but actually I've been both the ghoster and the ghosty okay uh, but let's start off with me being the ghoster first.
Speaker 2:So, prior to meeting you, I was speaking to a girl, uh, with the hopes of getting married. And, um, this girl, alhamdulillah, she checked all my boxes, like she was supportive of the arts, she was into yoga, really down to earth. Our conversations would flow. Um, it was a great match, uh, but there was just one problem I was not physically attracted to her, for whatever reason. And, uh, I had hit a point in my life where I was desperate to get married.
Speaker 2:I wasn't having luck and I was getting sick of the usual rejections, which were, you know, rejections based on my lack of advanced degree, my lack of high income, my lack of immigration stability, I mean, the list goes on and on and on right. And I just thought, I just I just wanted to get married. And so, finally, when this girl came along, and I thought, okay, I'm going to hang on to this as best and for as long as I can, and of course it was out of my own insecurity, it was out of my own lack of self-confidence. So we talked for an extended period of time and we met each other's families I met her family, she met my family and we got to a point where the next step was having our nikah done. And it was at that point where I realized Nikah or baat pakki.
Speaker 2:Baat pakki slash nikah, like this serious step had to be taken. Okay, um, batpaki was kind of already done, like it usually happens after both families meet and they're on the same page about moving forward. So the next step was having our nikah done, or at least having a serious conversation about that, and it was at that point I realized that I have to end it, because I knew deep down that if I did move forward it would end in a divorce because, like I said, I was not attracted to her and I was just hanging on to this because I had nothing else so in your mind you knew that you're just prolonging this even though it's not going to lead to marriage.
Speaker 1:Or you thought, maybe with time you're going to feel attraction towards her. That too.
Speaker 2:I thought maybe in time I would develop an attraction to her. It didn't happen. We were talking for a long time and that attraction just didn't come, and I couldn't force it. Every time I saw her picture I just thought you know, I just have to be patient with myself. I had just have to give it time. And finally, when that moment came where we had to take the serious leap, I thought it's either now or never, and I didn't know how to end it because I had prolonged it for so long.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:And so I micro ghosted. Actually she messaged me. I took my time to respond. I said I still need some time, I'm not sure. And then she would give me a week and she was patient with me. She would give me another week or maybe two weeks, and then I would kind of give these very vague responses. And then finally she got the hint and she said if you want to end it, just end it. Just let me know, and at least give me a reason why. And then I unfortunately had to break her heart and say I just don't find you attractive, I'm not attracted to you. And that was the last time I heard from her.
Speaker 1:Okay, wow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so that's a part of my life that I'm not exactly proud of. It's something that I should have done in a different way, in a more mature and graceful way, but when we talk about the topic of ghosting, I can't overlook this incident.
Speaker 1:Actually, that's what this podcast is about.
Speaker 2:We're not here just to give advice and sound like wise people, because it's very easy to say hey, ghosting is bad, you shouldn't do it, you should be more mature. But that's going to be a boring episode.
Speaker 1:This podcast is based on our personal experiences and on our professional experiences, so this is as raw as it gets.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for real. So there's a lot to unpack from my story. Why did I ghost? Um, there was a fear of dealing with the truth, a fear of confrontation. Uh, I was insecure.
Speaker 2:I prolonged it longer than I should have I should have cut it off, uh, from the beginning, because if you're not instantly attracted to someone, then you you can't expect that to grow over time, like, yes, a person's personality and learning about their core values and things like that, that does develop a degree of attraction, but at the same time, a person is what they are right Like their features their body like they can't change who they are, of course, and if you're not attracted to that, then you can't expect that to change and you can't expect yourself to suddenly develop an attraction to their physique.
Speaker 1:Like if attraction is going to happen, then maybe within like a week or two or three, but not like we're talking about months, long months here, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so, but what was her reaction?
Speaker 2:by the way, it happened over text text. Okay, I didn't meet her, it happened over text.
Speaker 1:And that was the last time I heard from her but when you told her this over text, did she reply, or?
Speaker 2:uh, no, she didn't she. She saw it coming and uh, and that was it.
Speaker 1:That was the last time I heard from her okay, I feel for both of you, but especially for her, because you should feel for her.
Speaker 2:You should feel for me. I'm a jerk, I mean I'll say it. Uh, no, I feel for both of you, but especially for her, because you should feel for her. You should feel for me.
Speaker 1:I'm a jerk, I mean I'll say it um no, I feel for her because I was in her shoes. I'm gonna talk about my story in a minute, but I was in her shoes. But a question yeah was there a level of immaturity that you think you had, or was it just insecurity?
Speaker 2:it was more insecurity than immaturity. Like, yeah, hindsight is 20, 20. I can easily go back and say you know, I should have cut it off in the beginning, I should have, or I should have been more graceful and thing and told her that, hey, I don't think this is going to work, but the problem was that I just didn't know how to let her down.
Speaker 2:I didn't know how to say that I just don't find you attractive. Okay Right, if there was any other reason, it would have been easier for me, but I know how difficult it is for a girl to hear criticism like that Absolutely. And so I'm not going to say I took the high road, I didn't.
Speaker 1:Please don't.
Speaker 2:I didn't know how to say it. I didn't know how to say that I didn't find her attractive. I'm sure a lot of guys are, are or were in your same shoes, like these things happen and so, like I said, it's something that I should have nipped in the bud in the beginning and um and I can't change the past and it's something that I have learned a lot from.
Speaker 1:Yeah, also, some people maybe not you here, but some people think that just ignoring someone is more polite than rejecting them or letting them down, so they think maybe they're doing the other person like a favor, sparing their feelings.
Speaker 2:Yeah, maybe you felt this way yes and no, I would say that, um, it would have been more heartbreaking and detrimental to her had I had my nikah, and then, you know, it ended in a divorce. That would have been much worse, of course.
Speaker 1:So yes, to an extent I did choose the lesser of the more harmful actions I guess, in a way, it doesn't excuse me from doing what I did also, if someone is talking to multiple people at the same time and they're not able to decide and they're just being indecisive, then they're gonna end up in the same shoes like how are they gonna reject? I don't know they're talking to four girls or she's talking to four guys at the same time, so it's easier to just go three and keep one yeah, and then if that one doesn't work out, then you go back to yeah, I'm sorry, I had a cricket accident.
Speaker 2:I'm here now uh, but yeah, misusing istikhar is also a big one, so this didn't happen to me, but I'm sure it does happen to people that, uh, they pray istikhara and then they ghost and think that okay, istikhara is the reason I should stop talking to you like come on man that's.
Speaker 1:That's probably arguably even worse than what I did, because you are misrepresenting and misimplementing islam absolutely, we kind of touched on this last, the last episode about istikhara, yeah, but, and then I received a message from a dedicated listener. She was saying that in her culture, saying like you're talking to someone and then you tell them I'm going to pray istikhara, it immediately knows that, okay, this is the end of it. I'm ending it Like, even like before even waiting for the answer of istikhara, just immediately blaming it on istikhara. That's messed up, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So let's talk about this through an Islam lens. Is ghosting a breach of a mana?
Speaker 1:What is a mana?
Speaker 2:A mana is trust, but in the context of what we're talking about, it's emotional trust, yeah, and it's important, even if you're not married yet, because you are investing in that person's time. They are investing in you emotionally and certain expectations are developing in you emotionally and, uh, certain expectations are developing in their heart, right, not just with the girl or the guy, but also with the family it's definitely a breach of trust because while you're talking to this person and maybe unintentionally, but like you're leading them on, they are like missing out on other opportunities.
Speaker 1:Maybe the girl is getting proposals but she's saying no because I'm in talks with this person. She doesn't know she's going to be ghosted. I feel ghosting is more of a guy's thing. Guys usually are the ghosters and girls are the ghosty I might have to agree with you on that yeah it's, uh, because guys are less emotionally invested than girls, are right. And guys are more cruel than girls. Usually Like girls would take their time.
Speaker 2:I don't want to make a generalization.
Speaker 1:Not cruel, but okay, sorry, the word is sensitive. Girls are more sensitive than girls Come on.
Speaker 2:We see it in the way we reply to emails, right? Yeah, I agree with you there. Yeah, girls are more sensitive than guys, but talking about it through an Islamic lens, yes, it is a breach of iman and, more importantly, it's not the example that was set by our Prophet.
Speaker 1:Of course, alayhi salam. He was always clear in his speech and he wouldn't lead someone on. He wouldn't. Yeah, and you know what just occurred to me? Some people don't know how to say no.
Speaker 1:So maybe they're not attracted to the other person, maybe they spot incompatibility, but they don't know how to say no and they keep their relationship going until they reach a point like maybe in your case, like out of insecurity, they reach a certain point where things now need to get serious, families need to get involved, and then they realize like they are in this flight or fright fight or flight fight or flight exactly. So that's another thing.
Speaker 2:We need to learn how to say no in a respectful, sensitive way, of course yeah, if I was to go back, I think I would have not used the I'm not attractive card, uh, or I'm not attracted to you card, but rather just simply put on incompatibility, although it still wouldn't make sense because we had been talking for so long and yes, yeah, I'm sure you would have found a way, whatever way, but we're human about that like, if I could go back, how would I have ended it after so long?
Speaker 1:what would have been the right way to end it. I don't know.
Speaker 2:Let me ask you, as a girl you've been talking to a guy for, let's say, six months okay and things are going great. You've met the family. Uh, he's met the family and you want to take the next step and, um, and you're getting the hint that he is kind of micro-ghosting you and he's trying to end it. What would be the right way to end it after so long?
Speaker 1:If it's because of lack of attraction.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a good question.
Speaker 1:I think no girl likes to hear that the person is. So what would be? I think if you said lack of incompatibility, or if it was my case and the guy said lack of compatibility, then I would get the hint Especially, like you said, things are going great and you're compatible and everything, I would get the hint that, no, he's just trying to spare my feelings.
Speaker 2:But then I feel like that would also put you more in a state of confusion, like what do you mean? We're incompatible. We've been talking for so long, our conversations are flowing right, we have the same interests. This doesn't make sense. And now, on top of that, you want closure. But I'm not giving you closure right I?
Speaker 1:I don't know what's the right answer.
Speaker 2:It's a tough thing to be in and the easy thing is to just nip this in the beginning, nip it in the bud.
Speaker 1:Yes in the beginning. If you're not attracted, you're not attracted. Ladies, if you're listening, let us know what is the right way to let a girl down because of lack of attraction.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I would like to know yeah. Yeah, I would like to know, yeah, hey, if you have a story to tell, we'd love to have you on here. You'll find a safe space of listeners who can understand what you're going through.
Speaker 2:So you were on the other side. You were a ghostie correct yeah. And what was that experience like?
Speaker 1:It sucked. Of course, it's a very ugly feeling because it leaves you with so many questions, like we started this episode what did I do? What did I say? Like, what suddenly changed? You don't have answers, you're left to yourself to come up with the scenario. So in my case, before we started talking, I was in communication with this guy on HOD and we spoke for like two weeks or so. Things were going great. I told my parents about him.
Speaker 2:And he was a brown guy, by the way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I have a thing for brown guys. Yeah, things were going great, honestly, conversations were flowing, we were so compatible and then, slowly, like suddenly, the communication started slowing down. I would send a message and no response for, I don't know, a day or two.
Speaker 2:Was he in India?
Speaker 1:No, he was in the States oh okay. And I suggested more than once actually getting on a video call, just because videos like solidifies things right.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and he kept pushing it, every time coming up with an excuse. So I'm like, okay, no problem, maybe it's a time difference, maybe whatever. And then, yeah, like I would send messages, he would take his sweet time to reply, days sometimes. And then I kind of I don't know. I don't remember exactly what happened. Maybe I sent him a message hinting that I'm ending this, I deserve better. And then he immediately called me and tried to make me to take him back Coming up with different To convince me, Coming up with different excuses.
Speaker 1:I had a cricket accident that's why I said cricket accident before I was so busy at work. My mom was. I don't know, my mom is giving me a hard time. She wants an Indian girl or something. I'm trying to convince my mom whatever and I'm like, okay, sounds sincere. We went back from where we left off and then a week or two weeks later I can't remember exactly Same thing Started fading.
Speaker 2:Microghosting. Microghosting.
Speaker 1:And I'm like that's it for me. I'm not going to go through this again, so I sent a message. I ended it.
Speaker 2:Two strikes, you're out.
Speaker 1:Come on Like, yeah, and I think one time he went like he disappeared for six, seven days and you know I'm the kind of person that the worst starts going in my head. God forbid, maybe he had an accident and it turns out he's just. I don't know where he is.
Speaker 2:He's just chilling, chilling.
Speaker 1:So I ended it right then and there I deserve better and I will find what I deserve and I did.
Speaker 2:Oh, so what did you take from that?
Speaker 1:I took from that that some guys are jerks.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Some guys lack maturity, lack sensitivity, security. It sucked for a little bit. Honestly, I thought it's going to suck for a long time, I'm going to be depressed or something, but no, alhamdulillah, I was very quickly able to just move on and just realize it's not about me, it's about him, completely about him. So I ended up honestly feeling bad for him really yes, because I know he missed out on something good. I'm not, I'm not boasting, I'm not being full of myself, but we were compatible and then what?
Speaker 1:a few weeks later, you messaged me right, uh, yeah, I can't remember how long after. You know, I joined hod in July 2019.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And we started talking mid-November.
Speaker 2:Oh, early November.
Speaker 1:November 11th actually, I still remember.
Speaker 2:Yeah, see Early November.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so somewhere in between.
Speaker 2:Okay, wow, it's amazing how we plan and Allah plans, and Allah is the best of planners, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, subhanallah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so yeah, there are obviously better ways to end things. And, um, the most important thing is that you we've mentioned this before, we'll say it again is that you should be taking the time to assess compatibility in the beginning, right, even though I do feel hypocritical saying all this and giving advice. But, um, and we've sent this in previous episodes that if you are coming with the uh, with the understanding and the mindset that this person that I'm talking is for the purpose of marriage, and you're coming ready with the right questions and you're coming with the level of sincerity, there is no reason for any courting phase to go on more than six months, or even, I would argue, three months you can't put a number on it.
Speaker 1:It's different from a case to a case.
Speaker 2:I guess. But come on six months to really see if somebody is compatible for the purpose of marriage.
Speaker 1:I do think it's a lot, but that's that seems like a long time.
Speaker 2:I don't. I don't think you need that much time, I think. I mean, I don't want to use our example as a, as a template that everybody should be using, but we knew within three weeks three, four weeks tops that we want to move ahead with our nikah but we had plenty of free time on our hands.
Speaker 1:We were able to talk for hours every day.
Speaker 2:Some people don't have that luxury where, if you are dedicated, you will make time. Remember what I always tell you whether it's the gym, whether it's a detox diet, whatever it is, if it's important enough to you, what will you do?
Speaker 1:you'll make time.
Speaker 2:You'll make time for it you'll carve out time out of your day for it okay and we felt a strong spark, and so we made time.
Speaker 1:You were doing your graduate degree at the time and there was a seven hour difference, and there was a seven-hour difference, and there was a seven-hour difference.
Speaker 2:I was working. Yes, I do remember I was working. I just landed my first job, so we had commitments and it wasn't. And I was actually, oh yeah, and I was also studying too. I was doing my Montessori teacher certification at the time, so we had a lot of things on our plate, yeah, yeah, but I have to realize people have different circumstances.
Speaker 2:So nonetheless, nonetheless, I would say, if I was to give it a, number, I would say three months tops okay, sounds reasonable, and by then you should be able to at least be discussing an engagement, bakpaki, possible marriage, whatever it might be. And if it's taking more than three months, then maybe there's some insecurities on either end maybe one person isn't serious.
Speaker 2:There's. There's something lurking in the background. If you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't know where to seek help, let us help you. We can be your personalmakers. Visit us at halalmatchca and book a free call with us. Is there a right way to end things instead of ghosting someone?
Speaker 1:Yes, of course. Please explain, oh wise one, being direct, respectful, sensitive.
Speaker 2:Now we're talking about ideal situations here. No, no, it's not ideal In a perfect world.
Speaker 1:Yes, no, it's not ideal In a perfect world. Yes, no, it's not ideal. It's not a perfect world. Being direct and sensitive and respectful, that's a bare minimum. So let's say you're talking.
Speaker 2:So let's put it in the context of us. We've been talking for, let's say, six months.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:And you came across some red flag and, based on that, you feel a strong sense of incompatibility. Maybe you saw some misogynistic comments on social media or something hypothetically speaking. And you feel very strongly that you can't move forward with me. How will you end it?
Speaker 1:I first would address it. I wouldn't end it just based on a post ISO because, maybe it was taken out of context maybe let's say it's clear-cut misogynism. Clear-cut, no doubt so I would still give him a chance to explain himself okay, fair enough and if, after explaining himself, I'm still not satisfied, then I would give it a day, think about it and reply to him with a message or a call. It was really nice getting to know you. I feel we are incompatible and I wish you the best of luck this is not ideal.
Speaker 2:I'm not talking about idealism now the problem is that there are certain situations that make it easy. If someone is being misogynistic, sexist, if a girl is being very ego-centered, she's dabbling into those extreme feminist thoughts and attitudes. Those are easy excuses, right, but in my, my situation, for example, where there was just no physical attraction, in those situations it's obviously there's no ideal, perfect way to end it yeah, that's different, uh, but still, it would still be better than ghosting the person true, true, nobody should, should be ghosted.
Speaker 2:To kind of summarize everything that we've shared, the most important thing is that ghosting is not a measure of your worth. It's like what is it george said in in ainfeld episode once, it's not you, it's me. I mean, I feel like a lot of people have used this in different shows oh yeah, every movie. It's not about you it's me.
Speaker 1:So in this case, exactly this applies. The ghosting it's not about you, it's about the other person, their lack of security, their immaturity, their, whatever it is. It's not about you. Maturity, their, whatever it is, it's not about you. So don't take it too hard. I mean it sucks. It does suck.
Speaker 2:And take it as a blessing that you know one door closes, inshallah, another door will open and maybe Allah will bless you with someone better. And it simply wasn't meant to be.
Speaker 1:There is a barakah in doing the right thing, like, instead of slamming the door, you just close it gently and, like you said, the barakah will come from that.
Speaker 2:And also to add to that, don't let resentment seep into your heart and allow that to carry over to the next person you're speaking to, right, and then also allow that experience to form generalizations in your mind, thinking that all guys are like this or all girls are like this, and this next person is probably just going to ghost me or going to do the same thing to me. Just it's one bad experience, or maybe a few bad experiences, depending on how many times you've got, you've been ghosted, and just know that there, that there still are genuine good-hearted people out there- this is something that the ghoster also should think about.
Speaker 1:Like when you ghost someone, you are making them lose faith in marriage and the other gender and, uh, they're gonna take this with them into their next relationship. So that's true ihsan. Ihsan is excellence. We should have ihsan in everything, whether in starting relationships or ending relationships.
Speaker 2:So have you guys been ghosted before? I'm sure somebody has been ghosted on an app, on a matrimonial website or maybe over text. Everybody's got at least one ghost experience, right, so we'd love to hear somebody's story. We love hearing stories and just reading them, so feel free. How can people share their stories?
Speaker 1:so go to the single muslim hotline it's. You'll find the link in the description of the episode. Uh, leave us a voicemail, we will feature it. Inshallah, next episode and discuss it all, right until next time.