Diary of a Matchmaker

Five Signs You're Not Ready For Marriage

• Halal Match • Episode 67

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Most of us think readiness means having a stable job, moving out of our parents’ home, or feeling financially secure. And while those things matter, they only scratch the surface. What if the deeper signs you are not ready are less obvious, but quietly showing up in how you think, react, and relate?

After years of matchmaking and nearly six years of marriage ourselves, we have seen subtle patterns that reveal more than any checklist. In this episode, we share five overlooked signs of unpreparedness that could be holding you back. This one might challenge you, but in the best possible way. Curious? Press 'Download'.


Got a dilemma or story? The Single Muslim Hotline is here for you! We’ll play your anonymous messages in future episodes and offer real talk. Drop us a voice note 👇🏻
https://www.speakpipe.com/DiaryOfAMatchmaker

Speaker 1:

Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba. And I'm Zaid, you're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

Speaker 2:

A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

Speaker 1:

We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

Speaker 2:

So let's dive in. Bismillah, assalamu alaikum everyone, welcome to another episode. Assalamu alaikum, alhamdulillah, we have just sealed four years doing this work. Right now I am stressing a bit because now I have to communicate with my accountant. He's going to be asking for a ton of paperwork, but aside from all that, it is something to be proud of, given how businesses failed so quickly within the first one to two years, and we had our bumps and hurdles along the way and we didn't think we would even last this long, but Alhamdulillah we've had successful matches and we're moving along, alhamdulillah.

Speaker 2:

We're moving forward, not backward, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. So the one of the things over the years that we've gotten better at is assessing whether or not someone is ready for marriage, if they're ready to embark upon that journey, and that's happened through specific questions that we ask. So, inshallah, we're going to share at least two observations and five signs that you can be mindful of if you're on your journey or if you're just starting your journey. So the first observation is and we ask this question all the time on our discovery calls, which is what are you looking for in a spouse?

Speaker 2:

Exactly. It's such a simple, straightforward question you would think that, oh my God like, why is that such a difficult question? Right? People look like a deer in headlights sometimes when we ask this question and when they're not able to articulate the response. To me, that's an indication that either A they're just beginning their journey or, b they haven't done the self-work Right. When I say self-work, they haven't figured out their deal breakers. They haven't figured out what their core values are or who would be compatible with them.

Speaker 1:

The most thing we hear all the time is a good Muslim.

Speaker 2:

Now, a good Muslim looks like different to different people right, so very general answers yeah yeah, and given how challenging it has become, like, of course, these things about core values and deal breakers, I'm sure our parents weren't thinking of that. Our grandparents didn't care about that stuff, even when you and I, we were like we didn't have it in concrete terms, like we had kind of an understanding of what resonated with us and but we didn't have like we didn't have it in concrete terms, like we had kind of an understanding of what resonated with us but we didn't have, like we didn't compartmentalize it. I would say so the first one I mentioned was how they answer the question what are you looking for in a spouse? And the second one is unrealistic expectations.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes they know what they're looking for, but it's way too elaborate, yeah, way too specific.

Speaker 2:

So I'll give you guys a clear example. So we just reconnected with somebody who was on our wait list and when she first did a call with us she said I want someone who is in my ethnicity, my specific ethnicity. I want somebody who is also in the healthcare field and somebody who has a PhD or above.

Speaker 1:

And those were deal breakers.

Speaker 2:

Yes, yeah, and we didn't take her on because we immediately know like the chances of finding somebody that fits this criteria is going to be very difficult. So we found somebody who we thought didn't necessarily check those boxes, but she was within the same age range as this person and some of the criteria fit what the guy was looking for. So then we reconnected with this girl and, lo and behold, a year later she did a complete 180. She's a completely different person. A completely different person. She was flexible on ethnicity, she was flexible on profession, she was flexible on educational level and and I kept her old form and of course, we still have her new form and it was just like night and day. So sometimes it takes time and she also mentioned to us that she's been through a series of rejections. So it does take some time. Rejections are a big part of the journey to help her find what you're looking for.

Speaker 1:

Yeah so, besides these two observations we shared, we decided to dive a little bit deeper and look for signs that someone might not be quite ready for marriage, and the following five signs we're going to share. They don't mean that if you have any of them, then you are not, you shouldn't that, you're doomed, you shouldn't think about marriage, you're not marriage material. No, they mean that if you work on them and improve on them before you find your match, then you're setting yourself up for success and for a healthier marriage. Inshallah, some of them we are guilty of and they result in some tension sometimes.

Speaker 2:

And we have some work to work on. Exactly. So, as a reminder, the goal isn't perfection, nobody's perfect. The goal is self-awareness and trying to come into marriage with a realistic mindset and not an idealized mindset, and with a growth mindset as well. Exactly.

Speaker 1:

So sign number one you take things personally all the time. Now, marriage comes with a lot of disagreements. A lot of times you're not going to be on the same page. Sometimes you're going to be moody, she's going to be moody. Bad day at work, and you're going to bring that home as much as you're going be moody. She's gonna be moody, bad day at work, and you're gonna bring that home as much as you're gonna try not to, but you're gonna bring that home. You can't take everything personally. I don't know. She says uh, you didn't say you're coming home late, and what you hear is you're so unreliable. That's maybe what she meant was I wish you told me you're coming late. Then I would have cooked later, or I would. I would have waited for you to have dinner I wouldn't have been worried I wouldn't been worried, right, something that we always have between us.

Speaker 1:

I always ask, zayd, are you tired? As a way of showing concern and worry. Right, but what do you hear when I say are you tired?

Speaker 2:

It's not what I hear. I just hate that question for some reason. That's the question.

Speaker 1:

What is the reason? I don't know.

Speaker 2:

Maybe I need to see a therapist about that. No, my theory is you hear. Patronizing Somebody that's patronizing me.

Speaker 1:

That could be, or my understanding is you hear me saying you're weak.

Speaker 2:

Maybe I don't know. Okay, so how does this show up for a single Muslim?

Speaker 1:

That you can take criticism and any criticism Is an attack on your ego, and with this kind of mentality you cannot grow, you will not improve on anything, and marriage comes with A lot of criticism and feedback.

Speaker 2:

It does. So one of the strategies you can implement is Learning to give people the benefit of the doubt. Husn al-Dhan, right, Husn al-Dhan, yeah إلتَمِسْ لِأَخِيكَ سَبْعِينَ عُدْرًا.

Speaker 1:

Like seek excuses. Try to find excuses for your brother. Try to find 70, up to 70 excuses for your brother, and the number is just a hyperbole Meaning if they do something, if they say something, then try your best to give them the benefit of the doubt, and this couldn't be more true for the relationship of marriage. Another way this could show up is when you're in the talking stages with someone. They say something, they ask you something and you immediately take it personally. For example, they ask you how come you're still single? What they could mean is you're such a great catch, you're such a great person.

Speaker 2:

I can't believe you're still single right, but what you hear is you are incompetent you're a loser, you don't?

Speaker 1:

yeah, you're a loser. What's wrong with you?

Speaker 2:

and why can't you get married? Don't you know how to talk to the opposite gender?

Speaker 1:

Exactly.

Speaker 2:

You don't have game, I don't know All sorts of things can go off in your head.

Speaker 1:

So حُسْنَ الظَّن, حُسْنَ الظَّن, give the other person the benefit of the doubt.

Speaker 2:

Always Okay. Number two is you struggle to repair after conflict. So we all know every marriage has conflicts. The Prophet also had marital conflicts, so no marriage is perfect. Every couple of your parents, your grandparents, going generations back, had conflicts. So the important thing to think about isn't the conflict itself, but how you handle the conflict. Exactly Right, we were talking a little bit about things that we need to work on and one thing you were mentioning some advice that you got from an auntie yes, on the day of our nikah one of your aunties said never go to bed angry with each other.

Speaker 1:

Whatever conflict you have, make sure to resolve it before you go to sleep that's an excellent way that's, we haven't been able to actually implement it.

Speaker 2:

We go three, four days, sometimes no four is pushing it.

Speaker 1:

No, we've never gone four days.

Speaker 2:

Well, we've gone a few days.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and exactly so. The conflict is going to happen anyway, but either you can use it as a growth, as an opportunity for growth, to bring you closer together, or to bring you apart and build resentment in the marriage. Now, how does this relate to?

Speaker 2:

a single person. The important thing to note is that the relationships you have outside of marriage your relationship with your boss, your friends, your parents, and all these relationships will have conflicts at some point or another. Don't think that that is just reserved to those kind of times and places that they don't have effects or carry over effects into a marriage, yeah Right, so improving your relationships in those places will definitely have positive reverberations into your marriage.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you can't expect that the day you get married, you're going to become a whole new person.

Speaker 2:

Right, it's not a switch, it's not a switch.

Speaker 1:

So use those relationships. Use that time before you get married.

Speaker 2:

Use it as an opportunity to improve, to grow and to prepare yourself for marriage yeah, yeah, having those uncomfortable conversations, sometimes right, with your parents, co-workers, whoever it might be, when conflicts happen, um, but yeah, don't, don't ever try to compartmentalize things.

Speaker 1:

That's the biggest takeaway from from this so if a conflict happens with one of these, in one of these relationships, don't make the other person have to beg for you to forgive them and for things to go back together. Uh, don't go for I don't know a month without talking to that person, especially if it's such a close relationship like a sibling or a parent.

Speaker 2:

Even if you weren't the person that was wrong, be the one to initiate an apology. Exactly, exactly, that's sometimes I struggle with, I'll be honest, but there's been many times where I've been the first one to initiate an apology. Yeah, I admire that.

Speaker 1:

It's very manly I've said this before Girls find this very manly when a man can apologize First, first, exactly.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Or when a man admits his mistake.

Speaker 2:

Okay, number three you confuse compatibility with chemistry. So we dedicated an entire episode to the topic of chemistry and we see this over and over again. And we see this over and over again. We just spoke to some of the other day about how they weren't finding that spark or chemistry with the other person. And people just get so hung up on that and they forget the necessity of assessing compatibility.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, right.

Speaker 2:

So with us we did have a connection in the beginning, and we still do, obviously. But in the beginning our instant connection was the art Right and religion also. But it was mainly the art because, at least for me personally, it was hard finding somebody that had a strong connection to Dean and specifically you were studying the religious sciences and you had such a strong passion for classical music, so that. But we didn't allow ourselves to get stuck on that right, we weren't just chasing that and just talked for days and days and days about just the arts yeah right.

Speaker 2:

that was a segue into further assessing compatibility and I really hope that people do that right right, like finding a connection. Sometimes there is no connection there, but that doesn't mean that there isn't compatibility. The thing with chemistry, or vibe or spark, whatever you want to use Whatever term you want to use.

Speaker 1:

Exactly. The thing with that is that it doesn't last. Yeah, it's a very fleeting thing and sometimes even it could disappear before the nikah itself. And the tricky thing with chemistry is either you're just looking for chemistry and because of that you're passing on people that are so compatible that you can build a life and marriage with, but you're passing on because you didn't find that chemistry. You didn't find that chemistry. Or you could end up just chasing chemistry and marry someone for that chemistry, but they're actually not compatible with you. You don't have the same values, you don't have the same expectations. Uh, you have different. Yeah, you have different.

Speaker 2:

Uh, I don't know outlook on finances, on the way you want to bring up your children, and it just results in divorce, I guess right, or as, like I've always said in multiple episodes uh, you're going in with a netflix mindset right, like netflix also, meaning that that high of getting a binge episode like you're like oh my god, I want the next episode, and the next episode, and the next episode, and then the series is over and then, all of a sudden, you're down exactly that's how I felt when squid game, the final season, came out yeah, like it was it's over

Speaker 1:

it's really hard it was. It was really hard to just turn it off and come back the following day yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, we tried to limit to two episodes a day, but anyways, coming back to the topic, well, we know some people who finished the entire season in one day, so yes yeah, it's crazy and so the important takeaway is not to chase the emotional highs, but instead the steady growth. Okay, number four, you're more committed to being right than being in a relationship.

Speaker 1:

You want to be right or you want to be happy.

Speaker 2:

As the leader of the home, it is almost necessary to be right. If you're making the wrong decisions, then you're setting your family up for problems.

Speaker 1:

We're not talking about huge decisions. We're not talking about life-changing decisions. We're talking about I't know what, uh the way to I don't know to cook this specific dish no, you have to say that.

Speaker 2:

You didn't say that. Yeah, it's important that we're clear about what we're talking about here. Yeah, of course.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, um things who are going to be questioned on on the day of judgment. Of course, as a leader, as someone who's going to be questioned, who's someone in charge of the family, you want to be right, of course yeah but we're talking about things that don't have that heavy weight right.

Speaker 2:

So the important thing is you don't need to win every conversation, right? Because if the, then if you're just competing with your spouse, then your spouse is just an opponent, opponent and uh, every conversation is going to turn into squid game and you're just trying to murder your wife yeah, you remember three months and four days ago you said that and I said that.

Speaker 1:

You remember what your mom said three years ago. You remember it's. We're not keeping score, and the way this relates to a single person is again look at your relationships, the relationships you have, especially when it comes to parents. We tend to argue a lot with our parents because we believe we are smarter, we believe we have I don't know all this technology.

Speaker 2:

And they come from a different generation, they go yeah, what do they know Exactly Right?

Speaker 1:

technology, and and they come from a different they call yeah, what do they know exactly right? Yeah, if you can't be humble with your parents, then that's a sign that you need to work on this, and we're not talking about like compromising on your values or anything of that sort yeah but things that don't have such a heavy weight it's okay, it's not worth it it's not worth it.

Speaker 2:

So the question to ask yourself is do I want to be right or do I want to connect? Right connection is more important, especially with your spouse. You, you want to come with that kind of mentality that you want to learn. You want to connect and not just compete yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

If you want to end up sleeping on the couch three days a week, then do that. Keep trying to prove you're right.

Speaker 2:

If you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't know where to seek help, let us help you. We can be your personal matchmakers. Visit us at halalmatchca and book a free call with us.

Speaker 1:

Sign number five is you're afraid of being bored. You're always trying to chase the next high, the next adventure. You can't just sit alone with yourself for five minutes, sit with your thoughts, and you view this as I don't know. There's something wrong with that. And marriage as much as there's excitement in marriage and all of that, there's also the mundane stuff. There's running, I don't know. Running errands, grocery shopping, diaper changing, laundry, cooking, whatever. If you can't find joy in these mundane things, then your marriage is not going to be a happy one.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that you know. The funny thing is is that's what I was looking for. I don't come from wealth. I don't see myself living in a mansion and driving fancy cars. That wasn't exactly my approach to life. So I was a very simple person. But I appreciated simplicity right, taking care of your health, making time for meaningful conversations, things like that, for meaningful conversations, things like that. So that was an important part of what I was looking for in a spouse.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and hopefully that you guys can prioritize this too, right, because there is beauty and joy in simplicity, right, which is why we always tell people like, especially when it comes to planning the wedding right, simplicity is the key right that you can still have a meaningful, beautiful wedding while keeping it affordable and simple, yeah, and routine gives structure to life.

Speaker 1:

It doesn't mean that there's no excitement in your life, but it means that you're okay with being quiet, with some peace, with some routine, and you're not always just chasing that next thing adventure, travel, trip, party yeah, going out, and that's really what I feel like. People just want to stack things on exactly, yeah, yeah, you have your lifetime to experience all of that, yeah I mean that's why there's so much pressure to have a honeymoon like immediately yeah like dude, we just had our honeymoon last year.

Speaker 2:

It's OK, yeah. Now obviously that was due to circumstance, but still it wasn't such a big deal, yeah. So the takeaway is learn to enjoy stillness, practice contentment in slow, quiet moments. I remember we we had like at least I did, I had a meditation phase where I was trying to just like be consistent with meditation yeah but um, yeah, that's like you just said finding joy in peace and simplicity yeah, stability, don't confuse stability with boredom yeah big part of marriage, of a healthy and successful marriage, is stability, and that's a blessing, blessing from Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala.

Speaker 1:

You don't have like. There are no accidents, no diseases, no financial crises, no, alhamdulillah, that's a blessing. It doesn't mean that our life is boring.

Speaker 2:

So the important takeaways from all of these points is that these signs don't disqualify you. Sometimes it's not about finding the right person, but becoming someone who can actually sustain a healthy, long-loving marriage, because this isn't a sprint, it's a marathon, right. So you want to build something that's going to last.

Speaker 1:

You know, having this discussion made me realize that us, even that we're coming up to six years of marriage, we have things to work on oh for sure, yes, yeah, and, and we'll be saying the same thing in 10 years. No, but maybe we're gonna be saying something alhamdulillah, we worked on this, now we're working on this and that's okay.

Speaker 1:

It's like your connection with allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala in terms of you're not sprinting to get to a specific point of your connection with allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, in terms of you're not sprinting to get to a specific point of your connection with allah. It's a path, it's a journey. As long as you're on the path, then that's a. That's good, alhamdulillah. So that's the same thing with marriage you're growing together yeah and so for.

Speaker 2:

for you guys that are single, if you guys start working on these things while you're single man, I can promise you guys you will be setting yourself up at a huge advantage. All right, Because these, these strengths and the work that you've done, they will show up through the courting phase. They'll show up through the conversations and questions that you're going to be asking each other and your marriage yourself and and you're going to be setting yourself up for a strong marriage, inshallah inshallah so I want to hear from you guys I mean, we both want to hear from you guys.

Speaker 2:

You know which of these signs hit home for you, which of them stood out for you to you, which of them do you feel like you already developed or maybe is in development for you? And, yeah, what's something you're working on before you say Bismillah.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Until next time, assalamualaikum, assalamualaikum.