Diary of a Matchmaker
Getting married is tough for the vast majority of Muslims in the West. We know because we’ve been there. My (Zaid) journey spanned nearly nine years. It was filled with rejections and self-doubt. While I (Hiba) didn't know there was a journey to be on in the first place. After we got married we decided to create something different to help single Muslims complete their deen. And so our matchmaking service Halal Match was born.
After a few years of interviewing singles, a friend suggested we journal our stories. We tweaked that idea and turned it into a podcast. In ‘Diary of a Matchmaker’ we’ll take you through this unfamiliar world of matchmaking. We’ll share our stories, experiences, and much more. So say Bismillah and tune in.
Do you have a story to share? Email us at: info@halalmatch.ca
Find us on:
Website: https://halalmatch.ca/
Youtube: https://shorturl.at/ywE8N
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/halalmatch.ca/
The Compatibility Challenge on Amazon: https://tinyurl.com/mtdeefsh
#muslimmarriage #muslimpodcast #islamicmarriage #singlemuslim #muslimcouple
Diary of a Matchmaker
Marrying in 2025: Here's What We'd Do Differently
If we were getting married in 2025, we’d do things very differently. After four years as professional matchmakers and a whole lot of hindsight we’ve got some honest reflections (and a few regrets) to share.
This episode dives into the blind spots we didn’t see coming, the mindset shifts we wish we had earlier, and the biggest lessons we now pass on to our clients.
Whether you're single, searching, or simply curious, this one’s for you. We’re saying all the things we wish someone had told us before we got married.
Press play, and let us know what hits home.
Check out The Compatibility Challenge here 👇🏻 https://tinyurl.com/mtdeefsh
If something we said made you think, laugh, or feel seen, leave us a rating and review! It helps more people find the show. And hey, if you know someone who needs to hear this episode, send it their way. Sharing is caring!
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba. And I'm Zaid, you're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2:A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.
Speaker 1:We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.
Speaker 2:So let's dive in. Bismillah, Assalamu alaikum everyone. Welcome back to another episode.
Speaker 1:Yeah, assalamu alaikum, we're back. It feels uh, not talking to you guys for a week, but uh, yeah, the only times we usually do it is just during ramadan, take a break, and this time it was for vacation yeah, we had a great time in colombia.
Speaker 1:Uh, took lots of pictures, did a lot of hiking, a lot of sightseeing people are so nice they are like people say that canadians are the nicest, but, honestly, colombians take it to the next level yeah, we had just random people navigating and directing us to some places, though we just had trouble finding just helping, without us even asking yeah so if you're looking for a nice place they're also pro-palestinian, by the way so if you're looking for a nice place to go nice weather, nice people go to colombia yeah, just be mindful of the cuisine there.
Speaker 2:It is a bit hard to find halal spots there. Yeah, there's pork in everything pork in everything, unfortunately yeah uh, but we also do owe you guys an apology. Um, we had an interview scheduled, uh, this past weekend and we were planning on releasing it this friday, uh, but fate had other plans and unfortunately got postponed. But we do have something exciting for you guys today, so this episode is going to be as raw as possible In terms of preparation. We really just discussed bullet points and ideas, so let's just dive in.
Speaker 1:Yeah, bismillah.
Speaker 2:Bismillah, so alhamdulillah, we have just sealed four years doing this work, professional matchmaking. And we were just talking about the idea, god forbid, if we were to ever start over and restart our search, would we do anything differently? And if the answer is no, then that's pretty pathetic on our part, because then it means we learned nothing as professional matchmakers we didn't grow we didn't grow.
Speaker 2:So, of course, needless to say, yes, alhamdulillah, we have learned a lot, and we would definitely take that into our personal lives. Um, if we were to start over again, um, so I would do things slightly different than you would, but there's a lot of things that overlap between us, right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, a few yeah.
Speaker 2:So I would say, one of the things for me would be spending more time looking into premarital training courses.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's definitely also for me too, yeah that's something I never really thought about.
Speaker 2:I didn't even think something like that existed. I kind of had the same mindset as a lot of people Like, hey, I just want to get married or find a girl, that's pretty. I had some sense of my core values and deal breakers. But the idea of premarital training and assessing compatibility and asking all these questions, that seemed a bit far-fetched for me.
Speaker 1:I mean, we did assess compatibility, we asked a lot of questions, but the premarital counseling?
Speaker 2:we didn't think about it and now, like you, see it everywhere yeah, and we advise our clients to take it and when we do workshops, we always recommend it but, for some reason we didn't even consider it yeah, um, I like I said I was just way off the radar, um, but yeah, okay, that's one thing that overlaps for us. What about you?
Speaker 1:I would say I would have more self-confidence. So I mentioned it before in multiple episodes that because of my visual impairment I didn't think I would find someone special. I thought, okay, just say yes to the first person that comes along and be lucky that anyone even considered you right.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:I know it sounds very pathetic, but right now, alhamdulillah, I have the self-confidence and I know that Allah, like he did, send me someone great right. But back then I didn't think I would even get married and that resulted, like I mentioned also in previous episodes, in a failed engagement. You could say Like pretty bad choices I made. And now, if I would have to do it again God forbid I would just be more self-confident that whatever is meant to be is meant to be. I would do my best, I will be proactive, but I would know my self-worth and I will not just settle for someone that's not worth it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, believe it or not, actually I felt the same way. Now that I think about it, nine years of rejections does do something to a person's self-confidence and self-worth, and the rejections, for the most part for me was hey, you don't have a medical career, you don't earn six figures, you have an immigration status that looks a bit unstable. Work permit you're on a visitor visa. I was an illegal immigrant for a long time in the states, so those were all things that just eating that ate away at me for a very long time, and then, finally, when I got a message from you, I mean just the fact that a girl showed interest in me.
Speaker 1:I was like oh my god.
Speaker 2:Wow, I actually have some value in the world you're like a prince, I feel like wow, a girl actually finds me interesting what this so this can't be real.
Speaker 1:So before me, no girl ever reached out uh, a few did.
Speaker 2:But I was going along, like in one case I can remember I was going along because of this lack of self-confidence, um, and I just didn't think anybody else would come along, and so I was just kind of going along and thinking, okay, you know, this is the best that I'm I'm gonna get. And, uh, it's either this or I stay single for the rest of my life. So, and that, of course, ended in a very terrible way the previous person that I was talking to, and because it just got to a point where I knew I would be unhappy because of many reasons which I won't get into, and then you messaged me and I was just like shocked.
Speaker 1:Yeah, subhanallah. So yeah, self-confidence, self-confidence. You know it's a very thin line between having that self-confidence, between being just too demanding and expecting the best and perfectionist, right yeah. And.
Speaker 2:I feel like a lot of people who have faced rejection for a long time will go through this, and it puts people in a very desperate situation where they'll just go for anything that comes along.
Speaker 2:And that's kind of a very dangerous situation to be in, because then you start compromising on your core values, your deal breakers and things like that yeah, yeah, yeah so something else that I would do differently in my search is not take the idea of marriage for granted we were talking about this before we started recording which is that we think, once we get married, that of course we're going to do everything with our significant other.
Speaker 2:We're going to be eating dinner together, we're going to be going to sleep at the same time, we're going to be watching tv together.
Speaker 2:Now, everything will just kind of move smoothly and harmoniously. But then you get married and realize you have so many responsibilities with your work, sometimes to your community, sometimes to your in-laws, your parents, and these responsibilities just start piling up on your plate and then you realize it's taking, it's taking time away from your spouse, right, yeah, and that quality time is starting to disappear, yeah. So the thing that I'm saying is that going into a marriage and being mindful of that and being intentional about you know, people even talk about this date nights, right, like weekly date nights, like even though we still are working on that, because, hey, we weren't expecting to be recording on a thursday night, like, right, the night before we were planning to release, but still making time for these things, you know, every week, every other week, whatever it is, and not just expecting that, hey, because I live with my wife or my husband, that we're just going to find time for each other.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I mean, if you don't dedicate time like quality time for each other then, you're just going to grow apart without even realizing it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Even if it's cooking together. It's nice, it's a nice activity.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we do a lot of that, yeah, we do, yeah, but just like sitting on the couch watching netflix isn't exactly quality time yeah, it's just two people staring at a screen, but sometimes we'll talk about what we saw yeah, those parts.
Speaker 1:I enjoy the discussions, yeah, the discussions. Yeah, all right, your turn my turn, I would definitely, I would definitely be proactive. I can't. That is a problem out of culture, right?
Speaker 2:yes, I can't say this enough. I would be proactive. I can't say that is a problem out of culture, right? Yes?
Speaker 1:I can't say this enough. I would be proactive. I would try every option out there, every avenue out there. So back then I didn't know about matrimonial websites, but now that I do and God forbid if I have to start again I would put my eggs in every basket. I would get out of my comfort zone and be involved in the community, be seen, and I would even call my friends and ask them, remind them. Hey guys, I'm single, I'm looking. If you know of someone, good please keep me in mind.
Speaker 1:Remove the shame from asking for help exactly. Uh, we just like we let our culture dominate our lives and like this is not good, this is not good. We see it sometimes with clients as well we mentioned it before who feel this like shame that I'm coming to a to a matchmaker it makes me look desperate yeah, I feel eerie about it, so I would definitely I can't stress it enough girls, don't just wait for prince charming to come like finally, like suddenly land on your doorstep.
Speaker 2:You go and get him, respectfully, modestly of course, but you do your part yeah, yeah, I think being proactive, I mean it's definitely more of a problem in arab culture than it is in Desi culture. Yeah, lack of proactiveness is something I see consistently with girls more so than guys.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and one more thing is that you guys in your culture, desis, you have this beautiful thing that not just like the girl would look, but also her parents would look and like they would contact, like people and oh, I have a daughter Like they would look for their daughter.
Speaker 2:Don't Arab aunties also look at weddings and go hunting at weddings?
Speaker 1:Yeah, they look for guys. They look for brides, they don't look for grooms and the fathers. A father could have his daughter I don't know 30, 35, but he would never go and ask and show interest. And my daughter is looking, if you know, for a good husband. Wow, yeah, I don't know 30, 35, but he would never go and ask and show interest. And my daughter is looking, if you know, for a good husband.
Speaker 2:Wow, yeah, I know it's screwed up. Yeah, Okay, my turn. Yeah, I would say looking at my profile. So I have it here in front of me. The thing that I would definitely do differently is write a clear, extended paragraph of what I am looking for in a match.
Speaker 2:Sometimes people just create a matrimonial profile and they'll put a lot about themselves Not necessarily in an egotistical way, but they forget to sometimes highlight what they're looking for in a match, and the reason that's important is because people sometimes want to visualize whether or not they can see themselves as your significant other.
Speaker 2:So, for example, in my profile, what I wrote was the things that I love my educational background, how I have moderate religious views, my lifestyle expectations which is great and I would definitely recycle those, some of those things, but what I didn't put was I'm looking for somebody who's also looking for a simplistic lifestyle, who is looking to grow spiritually, who makes time for their health, who is supportive and understanding of the arts. And when a girl reads that they can look at these things and say, hey, I can see myself as this person right, rather than just creating a profile about yourself and just assuming that the other person gets it.
Speaker 1:But if the qualities that you have speak to the other person wouldn't that like immediately attract the right person.
Speaker 2:Yes and no, like, for example, with our registration form. Why do we have a question saying what am I looking for in a spouse? Or in terms of religious expectations? Wouldn't it just be sufficient if they just talk about themselves in the beginning?
Speaker 1:I guess because the more they share the better picture we get of them right.
Speaker 2:So yes, because at the end of the day, people want to hear that and say, okay, yes, I am this kind of person. I am somebody who makes time for their health. I am somebody who's respectful of the arts.
Speaker 1:It makes you feel chosen Right it makes you.
Speaker 2:It gives you something to connect with right. It forms a picture or a mold for that other person to fit into.
Speaker 1:Right, if that makes sense. Makes sense, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's just an extra step that I would definitely do if I was to start over again.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, what about you?
Speaker 1:So what I would do differently is have a list of deal breakers non-negotiables.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's right.
Speaker 1:You didn't have that, right I didn't, and it goes back to the same thing I mentioned before my lack of confidence. I was just going to say yes to the first person that comes.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I did say and I did do that, and person that comes and I did say and I did do that. And I regret it, of course, but now that I know what I know, uh, personally, professionally working with people, I would definitely have a clear idea of who am I looking for, who would be a good match for me and who wouldn't work for me, and what I can tolerate what I can tolerate deal breakers, of course. Course, that's very important and it feels a little bit hypocritical saying that, that we always kind of preach this. We ask about it in our registration form.
Speaker 1:We ask in discovery calls and workshops, but then, when I was looking, I didn't have an idea.
Speaker 2:Right. So yeah, I wouldn't say it's hypocritical, it's a mistake that you made.
Speaker 1:And it shows you that how much we've grown.
Speaker 2:We've grown so much, yeah, alhamdulillah. We definitely have a clear understanding of ourselves through the process. Um, I would say for me I think I did this before, but I think I would further emphasize this uh, which is making your profile a magnet for the right person. Sometimes, um and they talk about this in marketing also that you don't want your service or your profile to attract every as my mom says, tom dick and harry right, you don't want to attract every person, you want to attract the right person the same thing with your service.
Speaker 2:You don't want to attract every person that walks through the door.
Speaker 1:You want to attract the right person if you're talking to everyone, you're talking to no one exactly so, making sure that you are not general in your profile.
Speaker 2:Um, I I was pretty specific about who I was, but I think I could have done a better job with that and through that maybe I would have attracted someone earlier on, but then I wouldn't have met you.
Speaker 1:But yeah, that's something I would do differently something else I would do differently is work on myself. Do the self improvement, the self work, work on my bad habits, instead of bringing my bad habits with me to marriage. Like, for example, I'm a major procrastinator, I've always been this way and I've just took it for granted, like this is who I am. But if I worked on it before, instead of taking it for granted, it would have been much easier.
Speaker 2:Or waking up early.
Speaker 1:Okay, that I can't change.
Speaker 2:Yes, you can no.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but unfortunately, when we think about marriage, preparing for marriage, when we think about marriage preparing for marriage, we think about, like you said, the honeymoon, the dress. Uh, think about financial stability and all of that, which is which are important, right but, we don't think about what carries on after the nikah yeah what we're bringing into our marriage yeah, yeah, for sure our mentalities, our habits, our communication yeah, uh, our tolerances, what we're tolerant of and not tolerant of
Speaker 2:which goes back to understanding yourself. Yeah, for sure. Uh, I think I would definitely use more scenario-based questions. We definitely did a lot of those, but we we could have done more. So scenario-based questions are basically questions where you create an imaginary circumstance and you put the person you're talking to into those circumstances. So, for example, one that we ask on a registration form is your husband comes home from work one day, says he's sick of his job and wants to start his own business. What would you say? So that's, I think, one I threw at you and we kind of talked it out during our courting phase.
Speaker 2:So I would definitely use a lot more of those and enjoy the courting phase.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, if I would start again, I would use the e-book that we have our compatibility challenge. Like guys, I'm not just saying that because, like, we wrote that book, but because we truly believe it's a great tool. Like it's very nice to have a series of activities of questions instead of, like every time forcing questions and trying to come up with conversation topics Right, and you just learn so much about the other person. So I would ask more as well, scenario-based questions, and I would enjoy them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:If you are interested in learning more about the compatibility challenge, just check out the link under this episode. If I would start again, I would educate myself more about the opposite gender, about how men think and what, what's important to them, how they like to be I don't know communicated with, and I know like different men are different. It's not like you can exactly generalize, but there are some universal values and things about males, about females.
Speaker 1:So I I remember when I was way younger I read men from mars, women from venus, and I think I forgot everything I read because it was so long ago. But I would definitely invest in learning about men yeah, I would say, um, learning more about leadership.
Speaker 2:I feel like a lot of guys don't understand and me myself included when I was searching the value and importance of leadership and how much girls are looking for that.
Speaker 2:Sometimes they explicitly state that in the registration forms that they're looking for a leader, somebody who will take charge and maintain a home, and so what does that actually mean? And there's so much in our Sira we actually dedicate an entire episode about leadership in the Sira and so there's so much in our seerah that we can dig through and learn from our prophetic example about what leadership means and how we can develop leadership qualities. And, to take it a step further, show that in our matrimonial profiles, show that in matrimonial events when we're talking to people. Also, to add to that, leadership for me means that the person I also marry is going to be someone that allows me to lead right. That, uh, somebody. It would be somebody who wouldn't undermine me, who would show support, uh, who would be patient with me when I make wrong decisions, which you are very patient and uh, yeah, that's something I would definitely change about my search I see it actually a lot on guys, uh, registration forms.
Speaker 1:Someone who would allow me to lead respect my leadership.
Speaker 2:I think it's just all the result of this whole feminist movement yeah, probably you know, I did not know this about guys.
Speaker 1:that, like this takes me back to the previous point I would educate myself about the opposite gender. I did not know, for example, that men don't like to be undermined. Like I thought that the way I deal with a man is the same way I deal with a woman, which sounds like very naive. But I didn't honestly think about the differences between men and women Like what I would consider like disagreeing with someone, maybe to a male, to a man, would sound undermining, right I didn't know, for example, that uh allow him to make his own mistakes, right.
Speaker 1:But this comes with marriage, with time, with. But if you're not married yet, then do use this time to educate yourself and learn. Yeah, yeah okay, I would. It's also education related.
Speaker 2:I would educate myself about sex and intimacy oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd share that too, something I would do differently also and there are, like I did not know that there are resources, islamic resources, modern and islamic at the same time.
Speaker 1:We've interviewed Amira Zaki before, a sex educator, and a vaginismus expert and secular. No, I mean modern and Islamic as in, not like a sheikh talking.
Speaker 2:Because you can be modern and Islamic at the same time. Because you made it sound like they're two contradictory things.
Speaker 1:Because it's rare to find. It's rare to find. You don't want to learn about sex from, I don't know, a guy with a big beard and wearing a thobe, maybe there's nothing wrong with that, but it just I don't know.
Speaker 2:On the flip side, learning from a non-Muslim.
Speaker 1:That too. But going back to what I was saying, we've interviewed Amira zaki, before sex educator and vaginismus expert, and I was blown away by what she shared like things that like I. I remember I mentioned on that episode that when, before we had our nikah, I kind of asked my my sister like for advice or like the wedding night or whatever, and she just said google it so we ourselves not, are not comfortable talking about it.
Speaker 1:And then if we don't know that they are halal, like islamic resources out there, we're just going to go to google.
Speaker 2:We're going to learn from non-muslims and not everything necessarily applies to us so, yeah, the point is that there are resources out there, so there are no excuses, especially at this point with the plethora of platforms and coaches and you got sex educators to life coaches, to relationship coaches everything, coaches everything out there. Yeah, and, yes, some are just talking out of their butts and some actually know what they're talking about.
Speaker 1:So just vet who you're working with. We also had an episode with Habib Akande which was such a great episode. It was he. Just I don't know if the right word to use is dismantled. He dismantled lots of myths.
Speaker 2:Yeah About debunked, debunked about sex and Islam.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I think that's my entire list.
Speaker 2:Okay, I think I got one more. Well, I kind of touched upon this, which is including the traits or qualities that I'm not compatible with, because, of course, you don't want to attract the wrong person.
Speaker 2:So we have a really cool game in our ebook called Cairo Time, which is making a pyramid of tolerance, tolerable traits and intolerable traits, and for me, I have a better understanding of the things that I am tolerant of and the things I'm not tolerant of, and I would definitely include that in my profile so what is one thing you didn't know before that you are tolerant of, and now you learned that you are?
Speaker 2:something that I didn't know. I was tolerant of, uh somebody who somebody who me I was all time uh, somebody who is obsessive about cleaning.
Speaker 1:That's not obsessive, I'm not obsessed with cleaning.
Speaker 2:You're a bit obsessive. No, I'm just Arab. You want to see obsessive?
Speaker 1:Go see my mom and my aunties and my oh my God Like my mom's generation. Look, my mom's generation. If they're sitting and they're bored, they have nothing to do, they just start cleaning.
Speaker 2:Wow, I mean, you get crazy if a crumb falls on the floor. You have this thing about crumbs.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if I just finished mopping and cleaning, I have to move my chair closer to the table.
Speaker 2:You even do this with your dad too, he's like, and then he gets it, and then you sign to him to tuck in his chair when he's sitting like two meters away from the table and he's eating like nobody eats two meters away from the table. Okay, what is?
Speaker 2:what is one thing you now you know you're not tolerable, tolerant of, and you didn't know that before person, somebody who always has to insert their opinion, um, and doesn't let me uh lead or make a decision about something, and always has to override me are you trying to say something? Well, our relationship would have ended a long time ago, if, if you were that type. So you yeah, you're not that bad, but um, but yeah, I think uh, that pretty much covers my list okay oh, oh, yeah, wait, wait, one more thing.
Speaker 2:Uh, I would definitely use a better picture. I mean my picture's not bad, picture was good yeah it was all right, but I think I mean I'm dressed in a suit and you had hair back then. Thank you for pointing that out, and or that would be something else I would put on my intolerable list. What Somebody who mocks my hair.
Speaker 1:Or lack of.
Speaker 2:Okay, thank you.
Speaker 1:No, your picture was great, honestly. It's what like prompted me to contact you. Okay, I guess, okay.
Speaker 2:If there was a gem in this episode that you feel like you could start implementing in your search, uh, put it in the comments, let us know yeah what it is, whether it's, you know, creating a list of intolerable traits or starting premarital training. Let us know. We'd love to hear from you, sure, all?
Speaker 1:right until next time.