Diary of a Matchmaker
Getting married is tough for the vast majority of Muslims in the West. We know because we’ve been there. My (Zaid) journey spanned nearly nine years. It was filled with rejections and self-doubt. While I (Hiba) didn't know there was a journey to be on in the first place. After we got married we decided to create something different to help single Muslims complete their deen. And so our matchmaking service Halal Match was born.
After a few years of interviewing singles, a friend suggested we journal our stories. We tweaked that idea and turned it into a podcast. In ‘Diary of a Matchmaker’ we’ll take you through this unfamiliar world of matchmaking. We’ll share our stories, experiences, and much more. So say Bismillah and tune in.
Do you have a story to share? Email us at: info@halalmatch.ca
Find us on:
Website: https://halalmatch.ca/
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The Compatibility Challenge on Amazon: https://tinyurl.com/mtdeefsh
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Diary of a Matchmaker
Where To Meet Single Muslims Beyond The Algorithm?
If finding a spouse feels like shouting into the void, it might be a visibility problem, not a you problem. Today we unpack what it really means to be visible as a single Muslim. From offline spaces you might be overlooking to subtle shifts in your digital presence, we share practical ways to rethink where and how you show up. It's not about being everywhere, it's about being in the right places and being intentional. Whether you're feeling stuck or just getting started, this episode helps you build a smarter visibility strategy that reflects who you are and gets you noticed by the kind of person who matters.
If something we said made you think, laugh, or feel seen, leave us a rating and review! It helps more people find the show. And hey, if you know someone who needs to hear this episode, send it their way. Sharing is caring!
I've been on this app for months and I'm getting nowhere. I must have messaged at least 20 girls on this website and no one responds. I got a professional headshot, I got a killer profile, but still nothing. What else can I do?
Speaker 2:Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
Speaker 1:And I'm Zaid.
Speaker 2:You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 1:A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.
Speaker 2:We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.
Speaker 1:So let's dive in Bismillah.
Speaker 2:Assalamu alaikum everyone. Welcome to another episode.
Speaker 1:Assalamu alaikum.
Speaker 1:So I've been reflecting and I usually do before I prepare for these episodes on my own journey, and what I realized is that I was I felt like I was doing the right thing.
Speaker 1:You know, putting my name out there on every matrimonial website that I could think of, always Googling the next matrimonial event, trying different apps and God knows how many WhatsApp groups and Facebook groups I must have been in. So I thought, you know, being proactive, doing the work, means you put your hands in every bucket that you can find, and yet and this was prior to like the 100,000 different apps that have exploded within the last five, six years from when I got married so now, like, the market's become even more saturated. Yet, despite the abundance of apps and people, my assumption is people are putting themselves on many different apps. People are still struggling right, there's still so much hardship and so many people, you know, dealing with singlehood all the way up until their 30s. So the conclusion that we've come to is that it's not people, it's not the fact that people are not putting in the work. In some cases, people are putting in the work, but we have a visibility problem.
Speaker 2:Right yeah.
Speaker 1:So when we talk about visibility, we talk about what we want to focus on is being in the right places. Right, exactly Making yourself seen in the right places.
Speaker 2:Not all places. Not all places Right.
Speaker 1:Just like with marketing. I think we talked about this in that last morning by the way yeah, um, that you don't want your service to be for everyone. You want it to be for the right person, right as somebody that's looking to get married. You don't want to reach out to everybody. You want to reach out to the right girl or the right guy yeah, right, yeah um, because you just want to spend your life with just one person.
Speaker 1:Of course, yeah. So when we talk about visibility, we want to present the best version of ourselves in the right places yeah, exactly so.
Speaker 2:we've talked previously in other episodes about how to present yourself, how to build your profile, how to make the apps work for you, and today we're going to talk about the places. Where are these right places?
Speaker 1:So, when we talk about being seen in the right places, there is a way to do that without losing your dignity, without burning out, without even pretending to be someone. You're not burning out without even pretending to be someone you're not, because people oftentimes equate visibility with desperation, and being visible doesn't mean you're desperate and that's. We've talked about that in separate episodes too, where we have to remove the shame of looking and speaking out about the fact that we're single and we're looking for a spouse right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, visibility is clarity, it's readiness, it's telling the world I'm ready and telling the world I know who I am, I know what I want and I'm going out there to get it and find it. There's nothing wrong with that, whether you're a guy or a girl.
Speaker 1:When we start looking into places beyond the apps and matrimonial websites, it's important that we first start with our core values, because when we understand our core values, then that will immediately guide us to the right places Exactly Right. So, for example, if we're looking for somebody that's more deep, insightful, religiously oriented, of course naturally you're going to be looking out for halakhas, for tafsir classes, for conferences, right? Like it's not Canada, for example, I get their emails almost emails almost every other week, right where they're doing some sort of event and they're inviting speakers. So those are the kind of places that you should be looking into now. This sounds like common sense, but when our minds are just so glued to apps and matrimonial websites, we overlook these things sometimes, right?
Speaker 2:yeah, but you know what, before you go on, I just want to caveat what you said with the following when we say go to like value-based spaces, look in value-based spaces, you're not just attending the event or the space just to look. You're not going there for the sole purpose of finding a spouse, because this is going to, first of all, deprive you from enjoying the experience itself. You're not going to be fully yourself, and it's going to be forced and you might end up going to places that don't align with your values just because you're desperate and you're looking.
Speaker 1:So go to these places that we're going to suggest and, whether they're online and whether they're in person, with the intention of being there, learning, enjoying the experience, meeting new people and hopefully, by being there, you're going to find the right person, or the right person is gonna find you like you strike that balance though, because it's very easy to say that, but when you're somebody that's desperate and it's been looking for a while, and you know that these places are like at, these places are going to be people that are going to be like-minded, that might share your values, it's kind of hard to switch that first of all, you said desperate, and that's the very wrong way to start to go about it okay people can, especially women.
Speaker 2:Women can smell desperation from a mile. That's not good. And second of all, if you're gonna be attending the whatever event it is, and just with the sole purpose of finding a spouse, you're not gonna even be listening to what's being said. You're not gonna be able to engage in a meaningful way exactly so. That's not what we're saying.
Speaker 1:You're going there to learn, to engage, to enjoy, to grow, and if the right person is right there, then there's a chance you're going to find them or they're going to find you for sure, and that's just one example of a place you can look if you if you have that as one of your core values somebody that's more religiously inclined, if you're looking for somebody more socially aware, who's a? Maybe you're a political activist, right, you're attending protests and stuff like that. You like to organize events. So attend fundraisers, interfaith events, things like that yeah Right, and you will definitely find somebody who shares some of those values. So if you're more of the outdoorsy type, you're into fitness, you go biking, hiking, whatever it might be, why don't you be the one to organize?
Speaker 1:those events, yeah, or join one of them right even, let's say, you don't find one in your local community, organize one yeah people will gravitate towards that. Trust me. When you, if you organize an event where men and women are invited of the same age muslim men and women you don't even have to mark it as a matrimonial event oh, yeah, yeah right, it's just an event open to men and women.
Speaker 1:We're just going to go hiking, biking, whatever it might be. I'm sure people will come, because I guarantee you, those people that are attending are probably going to be thinking the same thing as you, which is are they going to be single guys and girls?
Speaker 2:I guarantee you they're going to be thinking that and that's totally fine, because that's what you want yeah, a lot of people want to be in places, but sometimes there are no spaces, no places, so you'll be the one to create the room once you start, people will follow exactly, yeah. So yeah, don't wait for Muslim marriage mixers. Be part of a community building, maybe learning spaces, casual gatherings that's where people's real personalities shine.
Speaker 1:The reason we're mentioning all these things is that we don't want you guys and I know I keep coming back to this and you're going to hate me for this we don't want you guys to think that matrimonial websites and apps are the only places where you can be visible. There are so many other ways you can make yourself be visible and to be quiet, and we did dedicate an episode to apps. You don't want to be visible in the wrong places, and apps isn't the ideal place to be visible in. The best way you can be visible is through in-person events.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, Right where people can see your demeanor, they can hear you Organically, just organically. But these are just a small list of examples. Right, the list is endless. You could do book readings, you could do fundraisers. The sky's the limit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, whatever your interests are, Book clubs, you can start a book club and if there's nothing happening in your neighborhood or in your town, that's okay. You can do some driving, travel a little bit to be in the right spaces. I mean people travel for I don't know an hour or two hours. I know we've done that to get to a good restaurant, so it's worth it and, like we said before you, be the start of something good.
Speaker 1:Don't wait for people to be the pioneer?
Speaker 2:Whatever your interests are, throw something at me. Let's just try to think from the perspective of a single Muslim trying here in the West.
Speaker 1:Okay, all right. Now Palestine is on my mind, so we could do something that kind of brings people together under the umbrella of activism.
Speaker 2:Yes, Though I would hate for people to use the Palestine cause or humanitarian cause for I don't know.
Speaker 1:No, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's kind of a win-win, like you're bringing people together, you're you're contributing to the cause of palestine, while also, you know, muslim men and women are getting to meet one another for and with their core values, aligning right activism and fundraising things like that so it takes us back to intentions.
Speaker 2:You're not just trying to fish for people and hunt for people and you are genuinely are interested in these, whatever spaces, and finding a spouse is just a bonus yeah, okay, I got one.
Speaker 1:Okay, the the event, uh, where we went over to the gulf universities and we were making kites from scratch kite making.
Speaker 2:I know some of them. Maybe not exactly in your line of interest but, whatever your interests are, find places and spaces around that. Let's say, someone's interested in cooking, baking.
Speaker 1:A lot of the girls we speak to they're interested in baking yeah, rent a commercial kitchen um, charge people like a 50 fee or something and show them how to make manish tabbouleh, something I don't know or you can I don't know donate your time to do a cooking class for the community in the masjid, in the masjid's kitchen.
Speaker 2:What are other interests?
Speaker 1:Other interests? I don't know. We mentioned fundraisers, right. Yeah, we could do like an outdoor gardening event, like planting herbs or you know, an apple tree or something. What about herbs, or you know?
Speaker 2:an apple tree or something. Yeah, um. Or we could do an event where we go to an old people's home. Yeah, so caring for seniors, caring for seniors, that's a great idea.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you get to see how a guy, for example I know girls would love this guy would, you know, serve an elderly person right, like how he interacts with somebody at that age.
Speaker 2:So it's a great cause, you get the reward and if this is what you're interested in, if these are your values, then you're gonna meet the right person there. You're not gonna meet the right person behind the screen, most likely. Most likely. Let's try a few other ones okay, another one um why oh, oh. What if someone is interested in gaming? Where would they find someone um you?
Speaker 1:could do like an indoor gaming event. Like rent a cafe, have a bunch of board games no, I mean gaming as in, like online gaming oh, I don't know about that oh speaking of that escape rooms escape rooms. Yeah, like a fun group escape room but this is more like friends.
Speaker 2:You're not going with strangers, right I could see working with strangers so how would you just create a group?
Speaker 2:like yeah, so you just create a group, uh, like yeah, so you just organize a group and say, hey, we're all going to go to an escape room and if you want to come, yeah, let us know, that's it yeah, or maybe, if you're a foodie, you can start a group whether it's an online group or even better and like an in-person group for foodies where you share I don't know your experiences with different restaurants, cu cuisines, preferences, your recommendations Maybe you can go out for tastings out like together.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I want to do that. I want to go to Rejoi and just try everything there. Try everything yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm hungry right now, let's go to Rejoi. One last one.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Niche interests.
Speaker 1:A niche interest.
Speaker 2:What if you are a chai enthusiast or a coffee enthusiast? You can start your own group.
Speaker 1:I could see that probably with my friends, with Desi's yeah, desi's love their chai.
Speaker 2:Yeah, or maybe you're interested in the arts, whatever type of art it is, whether it's writing, designing, I could see that there are a million and one ways yeah so think outside of the box if you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't know where to seek help, let us help you.
Speaker 1:we can be your personal matchmakers. Visit us at halalmatchca and book a free call with us. So you're at an event and of course, you want to present the best version of yourself, and I've seen this so many times. You and I also helped Baba Ali at one of his matchmaking events in Toronto, and we can just see people come in so many different stripes, right? You see the shy person all the way in the corner who just like he's just itching for this thing to be over, and then there's that one girl on the table who's basically the hitler of the table and just who's, just like commanding everybody and saying you're either on my side or you're not.
Speaker 1:So people come in different stripes. So the point that I'm making is that you want to present the best version of yourself. So some very practical things and it sounds like such common sense, but it's still worth mentioning that you don't want to be late, you don't want to just avoid eye contact with people, you don't want to just stick with the buddy that you brought there and say please, don't leave me, please don't leave me.
Speaker 2:Actually, I would suggest don't go with a friend, whatever event. It is because you have that safety net, you have that comfort.
Speaker 1:You're going to stick to them and you're not going talking about baba lee's event. I actually did attend a baba lee event when I was single a long time ago um, and people.
Speaker 1:I've seen this where people, just girls especially they scan the room, they maybe do a one table interaction or stick around for maybe an hour and that's it, they're done, they leave early and that's just so frustrating because you haven't given everybody a chance. And maybe there's that one guy who just who spotted you from the corner of the room, who thinks, hey, this girl's kind of pretty, I want to. You know, I'm waiting for the tables to rotate so I get a chance to talk to her, but hey, but the girl left early yeah so stick around it's.
Speaker 1:It really pays off put your phone away. Oh my god, yes, please put the phones away especially at this the last thing you want to do is talk to somebody who's distracted with their phone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and this just doesn't apply to matrimonial events. Any of the events we mentioned before, or any event you can think of show genuine interest in. People ask I don't know, show interest or admiration of an insight they share. Simply ask about their name. What brought you here? Genuine, genuine interest and not fake? People will remember how you made them feel and not what you said. As much.
Speaker 1:Yes, people are drawn to warmth. Yeah, stick around after the event.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So the thing is, what we're trying to say here is even if you're showing up to the right spaces, if you're not showing up in the right way, then it's a waste. Are you when you attend any event? Are you the open type or like? Are there like invisible walls where it's hard to approach you, hard to talk to you?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I've seen so many times people once the events over. People just get out of there so fast like they're just itching to leave. It shows so much it really, um demonstrates a lot about somebody's behavior if they're doing something as simple as stacking the chairs or they're just thanking the organizer, or they're just there to maybe give a potential match an extra five or ten minutes yeah, serving.
Speaker 1:Serving will make people remember you and like I said, I can't keep saying this enough. It sounds like common sense, but guys and girls, remember these things when you go to the next matrimonial event. Yes, it is nerve-wracking, yes, it is awkward, yes, like it might be cringy at times because, like the organizer probably did a really bad job and turned it into a speed dating event. But make the most of it, do the small things that we're suggesting and, inshallah, somebody will see.
Speaker 2:And again, it's not the matrimonial events per se.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm just using that as an example.
Speaker 2:Like any event, I would wish honestly to just veer away a little bit from matrimonial events. We're trying to think outside of the box, right? So let's say it was a fundraiser. Let's say stick around after the event.
Speaker 1:A lot of the important and meaningful conversations happen after. Yeah, because that's when, like, people can let their guard down, like okay, the, the stressful part is over right, which is organizing the event, making sure it goes smoothly yeah and now? Yeah, like you said, you'll see a different tone, a different level of energy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, um people will be able to see you um, remember you, you too, and remember you.
Speaker 2:That's it. That's the thing. How do people see? Are you allowing people to see you for who you are? Are you the approachable type? Are you the easy to talk to type? Are you the type who starts a conversation or you have to wait for someone to approach you? So these things, like I know it's not easy getting out of your comfort zone, but remember, like I know it's not easy getting out of your comfort zone, but remember, you are in a space that aligns with your values. You're not going to a place that, like, completely contradicts your values. You're not surrounded by people who are so different from you. You're in the right place. Now allow yourself to be seen.
Speaker 1:So the intention to have in all of this work and we can't say this enough is to step out of your comfort zone. When I first started looking, my intention was to find a desi girl, because that's what I was comfortable with, that's what I was familiar with Desi food, brown skin girls, things like that and I didn't realize that number one, I was limiting myself, but my core values extended much beyond my ethnicity. So when we're talking about visibility, it's very easy to drift towards what's comfortable, what's familiar. But it's important to go beyond that right, to go beyond our local community. We see it all the time there's sometimes a masjid for the Somali community or for the Ethiopian community, et cetera, et cetera, and we naturally gravitate towards that because that's what we're comfortable with and we're limiting our options. So look beyond those things, allow your core values to be your guiding compass and explore events, in-person events, well beyond your local, demographic or your ethnicity.
Speaker 2:Even you know. Try praying Jumu'ah at different masjids, every time, Different communities, right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:Maybe after the khutbah stick around and talk to the people, like get to know people around you. Don't just wait for the imam to say Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah and then just be out of there Right, like a tornado is coming or something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, out the door and I'm not saying like you're a guy and you go to the women's section as you start talking to girls. But talk to the guy next to you. You're a girl. Talk to the girl next to you. You never know. Maybe you strike a friendship, maybe her brother is looking, maybe his daughter is looking you never know if I could ever do that that's honestly. I think this is a very underestimated way like the masjid is supposed to be a community place. It's not just a place to worship that's another conversation yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:We should dedicate an episode to that, we should so we talked a lot about visibility in person.
Speaker 1:Now what about visibility online? Yeah, we can't escape that we can't escape that and even with our own service, we ask people to upload their instagram account information, their linked LinkedIn, their Facebook, because people sometimes show a different version of themselves on the registration form than they do online. Absolutely as much as we emphasize bringing the best version of yourself in person, it also applies to bringing the best version of yourself online, too.
Speaker 2:I would say truest, not best, yes, truest, authentic, yeah, authentic version. So yeah, I think it's a good point.
Speaker 1:To I would say best, truest, not best. Yes, true, authentic, yeah, authentic version. So yeah, I think it's a good point. If someone googled me or looked up my ig account, what would they see? And would they see a person that would be eligible for marriage or not?
Speaker 2:right. If somebody saw my comments on posts, would they be seeing an angry person, a cynical person, or would they be seeing a positive person?
Speaker 1:yeah, or is it just, uh and I've seen this too are you just posting pictures of flashy cars and expensive houses, and is that the vibe you're giving off? So what vibe do you want to give off? Is the content that you're posting aligning with your core values? Yeah right if your core values one of your core values is fitness, health, being outdoors is what you're posting in alignment with that or not?
Speaker 2:is it self-centered or is it somehow serving of other people?
Speaker 1:also is worth mentioning here is that the digital space is a place where you can also get creative in creating I repeated the word get creative in creating um groups. Right, because we talked about get thinking outside of the box and doing in-person events. The same thing applies to online, yeah, right. So whether that's um doing something like um volunteering your skills to a muslim organization, um sending a dm to the local masjid or um, you know, starting your own telegram group or whatsapp group where people who share common values are, I don't know, discussing the common topics and stuff like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, even you remember Clubhouse.
Speaker 1:Yeah, whatever happened to Clubhouse?
Speaker 2:I don't know, but whatever your interests are, join groups and engage in these groups, or create your own groups and invite people in the community to join them. Discuss topics that are important to you, whether it's, I don't know, mental health relationships, even groups around art, journaling, fitness, camping, whatever Something that you're passionate about and that will allow you to interact with other people. Hey, if you have a story to tell, we'd love to have you on here. You'll find a safe space of listeners who can understand what you're going through. Just shoot us an email with a summary of your story at info at halalmatchca.
Speaker 1:All of these actions, these steps, these endeavors that we take, they're all meaningless unless it's guided by our faith. I'm sure everybody has heard the hadith at some point in their lives where the Prophet says the actions are guided by intentions, so we don't have any control over the outcome.
Speaker 1:All we have control of is our intention, the pursuit itself, the work that we put in, but ultimately we have to put the outcome in Allah's hands. I know it's easier said than done. I'm saying that as somebody who's already married, but I've been there and so I know it's a very rocky road. But the more we put ourselves in the right places, the more we make ourselves visible in the right places and we do it with the right intention, the more of a likelihood that the doors will open up for us inshallah, yeah, yeah, you could attend 10 events and nothing happens, and then on the 11th event, you meet the right person.
Speaker 1:It's not up to you, but you have to do your work. You have to tie your camel exactly. And there's a beautiful verse in the quran where musa alayhi salam he was. He was a refugee before he got married and um he made a sincere dua to allah, saying I'm in need of whatever good you send down to me. And right then and there, in that moment, allah answered his du'a.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the two young girls, yes, and you could read the rest of the story in Surah Qasas. But that was Actually. We talked about that in the proposal episode. Yes, yeah, so we dedicate an entire episode to that story. It's the only proposal mentioned in the Qur'an. So is the only proposal mentioned in the Quran. So I suggest you guys check that episode out. So, before we wrap up, what's one visibility shift you're going to make this week, whether it's online or offline?
Speaker 2:Yeah, try to commit to each week, each month, whatever you want, whatever frequency. Each time try something new, try something outside of your comfort zone an event you never thought about attending. Maybe organizing an event, maybe something like you said, online or in person.
Speaker 1:Maybe organizing an event, maybe something like you said online or in person, yes, or cleaning up your social media. Maybe there's some pictures that really don't reflect your authentic self.
Speaker 2:That's a good point.
Speaker 1:Yeah, clean up your social media, clean up your beard.
Speaker 2:Make yourself presentable. You need a haircut, by the way. Yes, I know you say that every day, yet you still haven't had one.
Speaker 1:Yes, because it's free, Regardless, there, regardless. Um, there's just so much we can do, and and there's so much that we have in control, and there's so many changes that we can make, so implement those changes. Present the best version of yourself in in-person events or online, and, inshallah, by allah's mercy, doors will open up for you we always pray that you guys find a suitable spouse and, inshallah, someone suitable for you will come. You guys just got to tie your camel.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. And if you know someone who's in that stage of why can't I find someone, where can I find someone? Please share this episode with them. Maybe something will click for them. You never know.
Speaker 1:Until next time Assalamualaikum.