Diary of a Matchmaker

How Much To Share About Your Past?

• Halal Match • Episode 76

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“Should I tell them about my past?” It’s the question that makes every single Muslim pause. And let’s be real, our communities don’t make it easier. Men often get a pass, while women get judged twice as hard for the same mistakes.

In this episode, we confront the myths and double standards around sharing your past in marriage conversations. What must be disclosed, and what belongs between you and Allah? And how do you talk about sensitive topics without trauma dumping or oversharing? If you’ve ever feared your past would ruin your future, this episode flips the script and puts the focus back where it belongs: who you are today.


If something we said made you think, laugh, or feel seen, leave us a rating and review! It helps more people find the show. And hey, if you know someone who needs to hear this episode, send it their way. Sharing is caring!


SPEAKER_00:

You've met someone for marriage. Things look promising, but in the back of your mind you're thinking, should I tell them about that mistake? What if they ask me directly? What if they expect something I can't give them? Like virginity? Should I stay silent and pray it doesn't come up? Or be upfront and risk losing them. Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.

SPEAKER_01:

And I'm Zayd.

SPEAKER_00:

You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

SPEAKER_01:

A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

SPEAKER_00:

We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

SPEAKER_01:

So let's dive in. Bismillah. Assalamu alaikum, everyone. Welcome back to another episode.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, salam alaikum. We're diving into a hot topic today.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, it is definitely a hot topic. It is something that uh doesn't usually come up on discovery calls, but I'd say it's always lurking in the back of people's minds. Sometimes it comes up in conversations too. Um, it's like the elephant in the room. Yeah. But honestly, like one of the things I respect about you during our courting phase is that you never ask me about my past or if I had a bad past or if there were some ugly things in my past.

SPEAKER_00:

And well, d Ditto, you also didn't ask me.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, that's true, that's true. And um I think guys usually are thinking more about this than girls, right? Because let's be honest, it's usually the virginity thing, right? Guys always want to know is she a virgin, is she not? Is she sleeping around, you know, blah blah blah. And so of course, guys want to marry somebody who's a virgin.

SPEAKER_00:

And you know what's the funny thing? Yeah. So when uh when a woman commits uh zina, like um may Allah forgive us all, when a woman commits zina, she's not committing committing it by herself, she's committing it with a man, right? Yeah, so there's another part to the equation. Like for each woman who committed zina, there's a man who committed zina. So why is it that men are usually suspicious but not women?

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know, that's just kind of a subconscious thing.

SPEAKER_00:

It's not it it's more of a hypocritical thing, it's a double standard thing. We'll we'll dive a little bit more into that later in the episode, inshallah.

SPEAKER_01:

So of course, virginity is just one part of this broad uh subject. And the subject obviously being how much to share before marriage. You know, there's so many, I mean, we could talk about addictions, we can talk about, you know, um what do you call diseases, STDs, promiscuity promiscuity, right? Is that the right word?

SPEAKER_00:

Oh you tell me you're the promiscuous sex. Um like uh family, like family dynamics, specific family family dynamics, trauma, trauma, mental health issues.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, there's so many things that that, yeah. And so the question is should what is required to be shared and what is not?

SPEAKER_00:

And how much to share and how to share. Yeah. And yeah, it's inshaAllah, let's dive in.

SPEAKER_01:

Alright, so let's start with our deen first. We always should begin with what our deen says about uh about these matters.

SPEAKER_00:

So our deen always encourages, do not expose what Allah has concealed. And there's uh even a hadith mentioned in Al-Bukhari and Muslim, so it's like a top sahih that all of my ummah will be forgiven except those who uh expose themselves. And some people expose themselves for different reasons, sometimes because they want to be like upfront and honest, and sometimes because they're just proud of their sins and they want to brag about it. Right. But yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And there's also another hadith. Um you can correct me if I'm wrong about this, is that a person who conceals the faults of others, Allah will conceal his fault on the day of judgment.

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly, exactly. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So in the hadith we just mentioned where the Prophet says, All of my ummah will be forgiven except for those who expose themselves. Now, believe it or not, there were companions who did expose themselves and confess to their sins. And the Prophet dealt with it differently depending upon the situation and the circumstance. Yeah. So let's go through a few of those examples.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so the most famous one is called the story of the Ramadiyya, which is a woman uh from the tribe of uh Ramdi, and uh she came to the Prophet and she confessed in private in privacy that I've committed zina and I'm pregnant. So the Prophet pretended not to hear her. She came back multiple times and he every time pretended not to hear her, and which was his way of telling her keep that to yourself. He basically he turned her away multiple times. Exactly, exactly. And then she came back and she confessed again. So the Prophet told her, Leave it until you deliver your baby. Uh she delivered her baby, and she came back to the Prophet and she said, confessed again. So the Prophet uh told her, Go and nurse your baby and don't come back until you're done with the nursing period, which is like two years or a year and a half or something. And and every time he was trying to tell her, Don't come back, like in other words, don't come back, that's okay. It's not okay, but you don't need to expose yourself. And then she came back later, uh after being done with nursing her baby, and she confessed again. And then of course the had was like the uh what is had in English? Like the punishment, the punishment was like conducted.

SPEAKER_01:

And what was the punishment?

SPEAKER_00:

It's stoning. And there are stoning to death? Stoning to death. There are some people who doubt uh the validity of the this hadith, and we're not talking about uh that right now, because some people doubt the validity of the the the stoning uh punishment. But we're we're not discussing that right now. But uh that's the one story.

SPEAKER_01:

So why did the Sahabiyya keep returning to the Prophet?

SPEAKER_00:

Because she wanted her sin to be she wanted to repent for her sin in this life rather than being punished for it in the day of judgment. So she wanted to bear the that punishment and like that pain, that physical pain and the emotional pain of like being publicly stoned uh rather than to answer it, uh to answer for it on the day of judgment, subhanAllah.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow, that's another level of faith. Yeah. Uh okay, so let's move on to the next example. Um, this Sahaba's name is Ma'az al-Aslami. Did I say that right?

SPEAKER_00:

His name is Ma'az Al-Aslami.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. It was close. Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Close enough. And it's a very, very, very similar story. He committed zinah. And he came to the Prophet and he confessed. Same thing. The Prophet every time pretended not to hear him. He turned him away multiple times. But he insisted and insisted and kept coming until the punishment was carried out. And there were some sahaba like who uh like spoke badly about him or cursed him. And uh the same thing with the Ramadiyya story. Some people like cursed her, and then the Prophet said no, like their repentance, her repentance or his repentance, like if it's divided, if it gets divided uh over the mankind, it would be more than enough. Like they're they're so pure right now, they're pure, more pure than other people.

SPEAKER_01:

Because they were sincere in their repentance, exactly, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And they tolerated the punishment.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, so there's multiple lessons to be learned from from these stories. But one more story before we get into that. Uh this Sahaba's name, or Sahabi's name, sorry, is Hind Bitund Rutbah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so of course, the famous Hind, uh, the wife of uh Abu Sufyan, she's she's known for oh my god, she's known for eating the the flesh or the the liver of uh yeah of uh the sahabi Hamza uh Radiallahuana. So she had uh a very dark history, you could say, uh pre-Islam, prior to her Islam. And when she became Muslim, she gave bayah to the Prophet. The Prophet never asked her about her past, never brought it up, and she's a Sahabiyyah. We say Radiallahuana.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So the the lesson to learn from all of these stories is that what's in the past is in the past. Uh as long as you repented, repented, that's between you and Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And once you repent, you are as pure as any other person.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't understand how these stories relate to somebody who's trying to get married. Because when you're trying to get married, your past carries with you and can potentially affect the other person.

SPEAKER_00:

So that's exactly the the question we wanna explore. What to share, what should be shared and what shouldn't be shared.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, so let's go through a few specific examples. Of course, a common one is debt. To what extent should you be sharing how much debt you have? Maybe it's just uh a small loan to a person or student debt. I mean, debt varies, right? So how would you tackle that conversation?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, that should be disclosed because it's something that will affect your future marriage, especially if we're talking about something big, like you said, student debt or uh a mortgage or something like that. Um, because yeah, uh like I said, it's gonna affect your future finances and your future spouse has the right to know about it.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. Uh health.

SPEAKER_00:

So any health condition that will affect your future marriage should be disclosed. Whether that's a mental health issue, someone is bipolar or has has deep depression, not had, has depression, that should be disclosed. Of course, STDs, that definitely should be uh uh disclosed. And there are ways to disclose there's specific uh circumstances. Anything that carries into your future relationship should be disclosed. Uh what else did you mention? Addictions. Addiction. If it's a current addiction, should be discussed and mentioned. Uh whether we're talking about gambling, porn, um, drugs, alcohol, your spouse has the right to know about it and make their own choice.

SPEAKER_01:

Now that's kind of speaking idealistically. I mean, if we all know that if you know a person shares these things, then their chances of getting married is pretty much slim to none. So the the bigger issue and thing that we should be tackling is dealing with these issues and trying to rid them as best as possible, especially if it's an addiction, prior to marriage.

SPEAKER_00:

Of course, of course. That's always the best solution. Like uh prevention is better than the cure, right? Yeah. So of course, uh like we said in the previous episode, your single days are your golden days in terms of self-improvement, whether it's physical, whether it's uh overcoming an addiction, whether it's um finances, uh uh self-growth, all of that. But if you're already talking to someone for the purpose of marriage and things are moving and you're now discussing maybe engagement or marriage, then not disclosing a current health condition or a current addiction, that's deception. Being practical doesn't mean that you all like deceive people. So we have to distinguish.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. So going back to the Zina topic, um, because that was kind of the running theme between those examples and stories we shared. Um yeah, let's just be very clear that if you did commit Zina in the past, your number one, your match does not have the right to ask. But let's say she does ask or he does ask. Um, what do you do in that situation?

SPEAKER_00:

So Islamically you're not obligated to share, by the way. Yeah. Yeah. Especially and in all these cases like of past sins, we're talking about someone who sincerely repented, who uh have cut this action off, uh who's like working on on building a better life. We're not talking about someone who's like currently involved in these sins, right? And your repentance is between you and Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. You know if you were sincere or not. But that's besides the point. Uh so yeah, you're not supposed to ask. And if you're asked, what do you do? That's a question. Do you lie? Do you just be upfront?

SPEAKER_01:

I think, in my opinion, um you just uh come back to the deen and say that you know um Islamically you don't have the right to ask, and um, you know, I understand that might be a concern to you, but um, you know, whatever I have or haven't done in the past is between me and Allah.

SPEAKER_00:

That's just gonna create some more suspicious suspicion.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, true, but you know, I'm not gonna let her abuse my rights. It's my right to conceal and and not share that. So I'm not gonna let her take advantage.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, well and the beginning.

SPEAKER_01:

What would you do? Like uh you know, we're going through our courting phase and I ask you that question. What would you do?

SPEAKER_00:

So being someone who has alhamdulillah never committed that, I would just tell you like straight ahead, no. I would tell you no.

SPEAKER_01:

But wouldn't you be offended by the fact that I even asked? I don't know, offended by the respectful of your Islamic right?

SPEAKER_00:

It's so it depends on the way you ask, the way someone asks. If someone just straight out comes and asks, are you a virgin?

SPEAKER_01:

Have you committed zin in the given we've gone past the icebreaker stage and we've developed some comfortability and somehow, some way, I mean, there's very few ways to beat around the bush. At some point, you know, he's like he's trying to work his way up to saying, Okay, so do you have a past? Right? Like he finds some sneaky way to bring it up. So and you know what he's talking about.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, how would you feel?

SPEAKER_00:

In the beginning, I would say that's not your place and that's not your right to ask. And uh then I would just honestly answer the question because not answering the question just draws more suspicion. But it's very important to point out that virginity is not required for marriage, and virginity is not a sign of chastity. You could have lost your virginity due to a mistake you've done, but if you repented, you are as chaste as any other woman.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, and spiritually speaking.

SPEAKER_00:

That's very important.

SPEAKER_01:

That's spiritually speaking, not physically speaking.

SPEAKER_00:

You are chaste.

SPEAKER_01:

Not physically speaking, physiologically speaking.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, be careful about the words you do, you use. So you are chaste physically and spiritually. You're not a virgin, but it doesn't mean you're not chaste.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, so what do we mean by chaste?

SPEAKER_00:

Someone who is who doesn't carry current sins, someone who's not involved in in specific sins right now, at this m at the moment that I'm talking to you about the for the purpose of marriage. That's what it means.

SPEAKER_01:

Chase, the definition of the word chaste, if I may the definition of chaste is abstaining from extramarital or from all sexual intercourse, not having any sexual nature or intention without unnecessary ornamentation. So you're incorrect. Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. I guess maybe that's the definition of Google.

SPEAKER_01:

And they pull it from the Oxford Dictionary, so I'm sure it's not.

SPEAKER_00:

But we we have our own Islamic understanding.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, so you might be spiritually chaste. There's so you have to distinguish between the two. Okay. And when um and when men are asking about that, they're not talking about whether or not are you spiritually chased? Have you rebended repented to Allah? Let's be real, they're asking whether or not if your hymen's intact.

SPEAKER_00:

And there that's I'm glad you mentioned that, because this is something that most people don't know, and I would bet like 99% of men don't know, even women, that your hymen might be torn, but not because of uh an intercourse, but because of an injury, because of uh health condition. Uh some women even or broken, I think the more appropriate term is broken. Broken, okay. And some women on there could be virgin, but on the wedding night they don't bleed. And so if we don't have the proper education about this, uh very awful things could happen.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So that's important to mind. And I think that um in our discussion with uh uh sex educator Amira Zaki, she mentioned that as well.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, I have to go back to that episode.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. To be practical, if your fiance is expecting virginity on the wedding night, then concealing it like risks humiliation or even instant divorce, because the man might feel like he's betrayed. So it's better to disclose it, even though you're not obligated Islamically, it's better to disclose in a dignified way. Just use general terms. Uh something like I've made mistakes in the past uh and I moved on. If virginity is something that's uh a deal breaker for you or an absolute requirement for you, uh I want to be upfront.

SPEAKER_01:

No guy will ever come out and say, hey, it's a deal breaker for me. I mean, most cases it's good the guy is entering a relationship assuming that. It's kind of a lose-lose situation. If you if you don't do it, then if you don't disclose that, then you run the risk of your husband learning about it later and you know, oh hell breaking loose. And if you do, then you risk ruining a potential match.

SPEAKER_00:

So there are some ways to tell if he's the kind who expects it, like of course every guy expects virginity, but if he's the guy who's gonna like make like a big deal out of, or if it's gonna be a deal breaker for him. For example, if you know the person you're speaking to is more like on the traditional side, more like old-fashioned, right? Then it's a sign. Or if he's someone who mentions it in different ways, I don't know. Maybe he mentioned something passively, maybe he's the type who would um just hint towards it. So then it's it's another sign. But if you know him to be more of a like an open-minded guy, or who has like real real deen, real Islam, who's like understands that we make mistakes and we move on, who has taqwa and fear of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Um, or if you know he is uh someone to like to be judgmental, or if you know he's the kind of person who flips immediately, or who's um uh like doesn't take time to think and process, who's emotional, then these are signs that maybe you should disclose, but without being specific. I've made mistakes in the past, I've repented, and uh right now I'm trying to build a halal marriage.

SPEAKER_01:

So the important thing to point out is that there's not a one-size-fits-all solution.

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly. It's not black and white.

SPEAKER_01:

Black and white.

SPEAKER_00:

Black and white.

SPEAKER_01:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, fair enough. So the important question to be asking is does concealment mean betrayal? Again, it's there's no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, is there?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I guess it depends on the situation. It does depend on the other. If it's something, if it's one of those uh uh circumstances or cases we've discussed in the beginning, like an STD, like um a huge debt, like uh an ongoing addiction, then yeah, it is a betrayal, not to mention it. But if it's something in the past that's not gonna affect your future marriage, then that's not betrayal, that's more protecting your dignity, that's concealing what Allah has concealed, protecting what Allah has concealed.

SPEAKER_01:

But yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00:

Just want to mention one thing before moving on from the topic of virginity. Uh, I kind of hinted at to it in the beginning, which is that double standards that our society or community has, which is like it's disgusting, honestly. It's disgusting. Yeah, and you know what? A lot you know what's going in the minds of a lot of Muslim women is that most men have committed zina. But it's har yes, yes, it's hard to find a guy who didn't commit zina. So I'm not gonna ask even. I'm not gonna think about it.

SPEAKER_03:

Wow.

SPEAKER_00:

Because, like I said, every woman who committed zina, she committed it with a man. Why isn't it as big of a deal for women than it is for men? And also some women are aware that the men have committed zina, some way or another. Maybe he confessed, maybe and they still go ahead with it.

SPEAKER_01:

Interesting.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Don't you feel that this is uh like hypocrisy in our community, especially from families, from men?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I think it's just something that is like virginity, for example, is just something that is more of a concern to guys and girls in general, I think.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, that's so that's what we're discussing. Why? Because Islamically, you're b like your both.

SPEAKER_01:

Let's take the Quran for example. Why is it that the Quran mentions that we'll get 40 virgins in heaven? No, no, no, no, that the No no no notion is. That's a good point. No, let me expand upon that. Why? And why is it that is nothing like that is mentioned for women? Because Allah knows what women desire, what they want, right?

SPEAKER_00:

And so that's why actually, to be accurate, it doesn't mention in the Quran that the guy will get 40 virgins.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, but the the idea of I mean uh Surah Naba. Well, what is the uh um you know the verse that I'm talking about maidens in heaven, yeah, right? Yeah, not forty virgins, but there is a reference to getting uh in heaven, right? Yeah, because but the the same thing isn't mentioned for women, right? Because the Pro Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala knows what men desire, right? Okay, which is pure chaste women.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Right? So expanding upon that, why is there such a double standard? Because that's just how we're biologically wired.

SPEAKER_00:

But uh but but it doesn't make it right. It didn't work to the Quran, you know, going back to the Quran.

SPEAKER_01:

Regardless of whether it makes it right or not, it's just how we're wired, that we desire pure chaste women, but right more than men, women desire pure chaste men.

SPEAKER_00:

You you want to go to the Quran? Let's go to the Quran. Where it does.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, well, you have a master's degree, so I'm gonna be defeated in this.

SPEAKER_00:

No, actually, it's an ayah you know. In Surah Tanur. What is the punishment of a zani? And here now we're talking about unmarried um, we're not talking about adultery, we're not talking about zina for unmarried people. Fajli do Fajlidu kulla wa hedimmin human mi'atajalda. The zaniya and the zani, uh what is the word for jild? Whip. Whip. Whip each each one of them, a hundred uh whips. It's the same punishment. And it's like, you know what? I feel like Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala knows that we're gonna think that, oh, the woman should get more punishment, a bigger punishment than the man, and that's why he said, Kulla wahadi minhuma, each one of them. So if the punishment is the same, why should our judgment be different?

SPEAKER_01:

It's not about judgment or punishment, it's about how we're biologically wired. It's how Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala created us. That men desire certain things and women desire certain things. And for men, a deep desire within us, I feel, um connecting back to the ayah just mentioned, is pure chaste women. And so whether you want to call it a double standard, or you want to call it hypocrisy, whatever term you want to use, that's just how we're biologically wired, and that's why we search for that.

SPEAKER_00:

So wait. Are do men like desire version women because of the pleasure that comes with it, or because the the the purity, they want someone pure?

SPEAKER_01:

Uh I think both, a mix of both.

SPEAKER_00:

Because if it's about the pleasure, then that's just utter hypocrisy. Like they they don't care about women who like they don't care if they themselves commit zina, but when it's like time for their pleasure, they want aversion. That's pure hypocrisy. But if it's about purity, then same thing. Women you think women enjoy sleeping with a man who's been like who slept with other women before marriage?

unknown:

No.

SPEAKER_01:

I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that, but I think that I mean it's just one of those ironies where we're never gonna know what it's like because we've never been in the opposite gender shoes. But I think just the idea of a man being with multiple I mean the idea of a woman being with multiple partners is more distasteful than probably for a woman knowing that a man has been with multiple partners, I think. No?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, maybe somehow be and that's why like men are allowed to marry up to four women at a time and women are not.

SPEAKER_01:

There you go. You see again the beauty of our deen is that it connects back to our fitra. Yeah, right? Like the the the the the things that we get rewarded with and uh the the sharia, it all connects back to our fitra and somehow, somewhat.

SPEAKER_00:

But at the same time, also our deen came to correct some beliefs and some judgments we may have. Like, for example, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala knows that the society is gonna be judging women more than men who committed the same mistake, and that's why Allah came out and said and said it clearly, each one of them. So just because like we brought up to think this, or because like it's our like inner desires, it doesn't mean that it's right. And the Islam came to correct this. So it's not like an excuse, oh it's built in. No, it's something that should be corrected with the deen.

SPEAKER_01:

I think double standard hypocrisy is one thing, and understanding what our fitra is is another thing.

SPEAKER_03:

Maybe.

SPEAKER_01:

And maybe we're just kind of debating apples in a water. Maybe, maybe. But there is one thing I want to come back to, which is that a woman doesn't always bleed on the wedding night. So you won't always know if your wife's a virgin or not. That's the point I'm making. Yeah. So it's you're better off not asking because for you to assume that she wasn't a virgin just because she didn't bleed the wedding night is kind of foolish. It's a it's uh it's an inaccurate conclusion to be making. Yeah, yeah. Right? And uh and a lot of like on. Why ask? I mean, the most important thing, of course, you should be asking, right, is STDs. Well well. I mean, in a respectful, dignified way, I mean, given the times that we're living in, ask about STDs.

SPEAKER_00:

So actually, it's the person who has STD who it's his responsibility to share it. But unfortunately, because some people don't share, you find yourself in a situation where you have to ask, and I remember in an ideal situation the person would share, but we don't live in ideal situations. I remember with our uh in conversation with Habib Akande, do you remember what he even recommended?

SPEAKER_01:

I don't.

SPEAKER_00:

You should have the person get tested. Oh yeah, and you yourself as well. You get tested and show them the result.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, because you see there's a lot of uh distrust between people.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I think that's uh another episode we should uh dedicate towards how much to trust. What to what degree should you take that leap of faith? Yeah. I don't know. Maybe another topic for another day.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

If you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't know where to seek help, let us help you. We can be your personal matchmakers. Visit us at halalmatch.ca and book a free call with us. In fertility. It is a topic that we definitely did not dive into during our courting phase. I feel it's a topic that doesn't get much attention. I think people just assume that oh, we're gonna get married and have kids and live happily ever after, and can have 10 babies and a beautiful life.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, because most people who end up having fertility problems they are not aware of it before marriage. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And it does work both ways. I mean, the guy could have a low sperm count, he can um deal with be dealing with impotence, and the girl on the other side could be dealing with a whole host of issues. Yeah, yeah. So what do we do?

SPEAKER_00:

If you want to take the extra step and getting tested before getting married, that would save you and your future spouse a lot of um frustration and heartache. And on the other hand, there are some cases where you know that you have some issues. Like for a guy, he could have had an accident in his area, or maybe he had prostate cancer, or whatever it is. Like lack of proper blood circulation down here, yeah, some yeah, or a woman could have had like, I don't know, ovarian cancer, or she had an accident as well. So if you know uh in advance that you have fertility problems, it is your uh obligation to share. And not sharing, that's deception. That's haram.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Uh family baggage is another one. Oh yeah, that's um, yeah, we run into these situations with um with clients where they come out of abusive relationships, so there's past trauma. Uh we actually just recall a conversation we had uh barely two weeks ago of a girl who was saying that uh her she had an abusive sister uh who would um just call her names and tell her she would never get married and just say the cruelest things. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So the family baggage could show up in different ways, like controlling parents. Like these these parents are gonna end up being his or her parents in law. So like Islamically, are you obligated to share? No. But should you yes, because it should it can. It will it will affect the quality of your future marriage.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. Now just remember the way our deen is structured is that it provides a basic framework, right? And so it's not prescriptive. It doesn't tell you specifically step by step do this, do don't don't do this, do this, don't do this, right? It's a basic framework of halal and haram and essentially in most cases deals with extreme situations, right? Now, going back to this topic, should you share, should you not share. Now there are things that of course execute common sense, use your best judgment, things like that. But yeah, like you said, it's not like the Quran says that you are, or the hadith says you are required to share in this circumstance, right?

SPEAKER_00:

Like some marriages use common sense. Yeah. Some marriages fail because of controlling parents. And I just recently heard heard of a situation. Uh so in those cases, you should you should share in your own way.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Um something else to avoid, trauma dumping. So I remember this situation not too long ago. It was actually probably a year, maybe a year and a half ago, where we took two clients out on a double date, and the girl had been in a previous relationship, it was an abusive relationship, and at the double date, she just started trauma dumping.

SPEAKER_00:

The first meeting.

SPEAKER_01:

At the first meeting, and uh when we found out about this, we were just shocked. That and it just goes back to how we constantly tell each other that there's so many things that we just feel a common sense that you should and shouldn't do when meeting someone for the first time, and trauma dumping is definitely one of them.

SPEAKER_00:

And I remember in another case.

SPEAKER_01:

It's like the key quickest and easiest way to kill a double date.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, in another case, um, it was also a double date, first meeting. Yeah, and the guy just shared that in the past he used to drink.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah. And it like immediately You're talking about uh the older older couple that we took out.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And there was no absolutely no need. Like Alhamdulillah, you don't drink anymore. Why why did you have to go and share?

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know. People and it's usually no, in this case it was the guy.

SPEAKER_00:

It was the guy, and she didn't ask, it's not like she asked.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know. And this is why we have to do mini coaching sessions in between, you know, releasing contact information or introducing clients to one another. Yeah. But regardless, um, don't trauma dump. I understand that you want to share things and and m make sure that your match is well informed, but they don't need to know everything, you know.

SPEAKER_00:

Especially if it's like in the past, nothing. It's in the past. You don't need to give up biography of sins.

SPEAKER_01:

Exactly, exactly.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, if you must ask, if like your skin is itching you to ask about a specific sin, how to go about it?

SPEAKER_01:

That's tough. Um, it depends on what it is. I'd say you need to do some self-reflection first, to be honest. Like, why do you want to know? Why is it so important to you? Um, I don't know what is something that is really important for women that they would be itching to ask.

SPEAKER_00:

Like right now, we hear a lot about how common porn addiction is, especially for men. And sometimes it's not just in the past. And you want to know is this guy I'm marrying addicted to porn? Does he watch porn? Is he gonna leave me in the bedroom to go and and watch things? So that's the thing. How how to ask? Uh so first of all, don't make it into an interrogation. Don't actually before that, don't ask from like the first or second meeting. After you've built a level of like trust and comfortability, and you feel like you really have to know, and like whether it's about porn addiction or virginity or whatever like health problems or whatever, don't make it into an interrogation. It's just gonna make the first the person feel defensive and offended.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, so we've done the icebreakers, we're comfortable, we've had uh two or three Zoom calls. How are you gonna ask me if I have a porn addiction?

SPEAKER_00:

So before you ask directly, you can ask value-based questions. Like, what is one thing you're struggling with right now? Okay, what is one thing you're open-ended general?

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

What is one thing you're working on uh improving or a bad habit you have?

SPEAKER_01:

But isn't that beating around the bush?

unknown:

No.

SPEAKER_00:

So there are stages like before you amputate, you try to treat the wound, right?

SPEAKER_02:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, what life experiences shape your uh shape you the most, for example? Is there this is another one that's a little bit like more to the point. Is there anything from your past that would affect our marriage going forward? Now you can ask all the questions and questions in the world. If you don't trust this person, then you can trust their answers. So it goes back to trust. Do you trust you can't trust somebody you've just been talking to or that's no, that's why I said you ask after you built a level of comfortability, uh like you know you're serious about each other. Maybe before the engagement you ask, but you don't ask in the beginning.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, of course not. You'd be an idiot to ask. That's like asking about children in the first date.

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01:

Like, so how many children you want to have?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So if like if you directly ask about virginity or past relationships, then be prepared to handle the answers with maturity, or don't ask at all.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And if sharing now, the um the other person, if you're sharing, timing matters. So, like I said, wait until the relationship is serious, but before like the Nika, of course. Uh use general and dignified language. I've made mistakes, I've regretted them, and I've repented, and I'm committed to a halal marriage, halal future. Uh oh, don't give details that could backfire against you. Don't share like specific stories and names and numbers and graphic details. Oh God.

SPEAKER_01:

A few real life scenarios we can go through. Um, one is, for example, a sister who has a history of depression. Uh, she's worked through it. Now alhamdulillah, she's in a stable state. She should disclose it in a positive frame. And one way to do that is, for example, saying, I've managed depression, I know how to take care of myself, it's part of my journey, but it won't stop me from being a supportive spouse. Right? How do you feel about that?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, absolutely. Of course.

SPEAKER_01:

Um my personal take is that it could work either against her or for her.

SPEAKER_00:

Why would it work against her?

SPEAKER_01:

Because as a guy, when I'm hearing this, I'm thinking, okay, this could come back. Well, that like this could be a potentially damaging relationship because this girl has a history of that, who's to say that you know, she's completely recovered from it.

SPEAKER_00:

And the guy could suddenly have depression out of nowhere. Like, you know, with uh I think schizophrenia, like people who get schizophrenia, like they start showing signs like in their 30s or 40s, right? So like anything could happen. You know, this reminds me of our conversation with uh Rabia, Rabia Khudr. Um she this was a great episode. We discussed the topic of disability and why it's uh like a deal breaker for most people. She's a she's a a great pioneer woman, and uh she said that there was a situation where um I think the brother married a blind uh sister, or the sister married a blind a blind uh brother. And somebody asked, like, uh, like how come like like you married a blind person? Like, how did you go why would you go through a relationship like this from the beginning? And the other person said, Well, they could like become blind later in life, like nothing is guaranteed. So she had depression in the past, now she's doing well, she's stable. What if she develops it in the future? Well, what if he develops depression in the past?

SPEAKER_01:

Come on now, that's that's a bit unfair. Like she has a history of it, but now she's okay. I I'd honestly be a bit hesitant in moving ahead with this girl.

SPEAKER_00:

I think if it was something more threatening, more serious than depression, like let's say, I don't know, uh someone who has um I don't know, manic depression or bipolar.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, let me throw a scenario at you. You're speaking to a guy, he confesses that he has a history of alcoholism. Um, he's worked through it, now he's in a better state. Would you still move ahead?

SPEAKER_00:

If he's completely over it, yes, I would move ahead. Why would I judge him for his past?

SPEAKER_01:

But it's It's not about judging, it's just being aware of the fact that this could come back.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, it's not like alcoholism, it's not like a disease that comes back. If you surround yourself with right company and you stay away from places where there's drinking and like with friends who drink and all of that, you're protecting yourself and you are still maybe I don't know, seeking uh support, whether it's AA, what is it called? AA or whatever kind of support it is.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I don't know if alcoholism is something that can come back. Well maybe it is. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00:

But no, I no, if I know that the person like it's completely behind them, then yeah, I would go.

SPEAKER_01:

Or let's say he's working through it and he's going to AA, so he's kind of just in like the rehabilitation stage.

SPEAKER_00:

So yeah, I would wait until he's completely over it, until he's in a better place, and maybe I can support him. I don't know how. But uh no, I wouldn't go through the marriage until I know he's completely over it.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, fair point. Let's try another scenario. A revert with a past. Now we all know that when a person converts, that Islam wipes their slate clean, and uh now the focus is on who they are now and not who they were. Right? So I think this one's a no-brainer. You can't judge a revert on their past. They're they're completely they're like a newborn baby at this point.

SPEAKER_00:

You would think you would think that this is a no-brainer, but unfortunately, a lot of families are against marrying uh a revert, especially their daughter marrying a revert, because they're like, we don't know anything about his past. What if he did this? What if he did that? And that's just utter ignorance.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. Now I'm trying to think outside of the box. Like, what if it was I don't know, just a crazy scenario that just came to mind? A guy who was who met a girl who had a past as a pornographic actress and her stuff's on the internet, uh, and she's working hard to remove it, but it's still accessible. Um, but she's a revert now, and it's behind her, but she has that past. Would I move forward with that? I don't think so.

SPEAKER_00:

Really?

SPEAKER_01:

Would you would you move forward with a guy who has that past?

SPEAKER_00:

If I know that they are committed to their dean, they're working hard to get it removed from the internet.

SPEAKER_01:

And he's famous on the internet, even like let's say his video footage has been removed, but his name is known.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, but because you know what? Like somebody has to give them a chance. If everyone keeps rejecting them, they're just gonna go back to their like old days.

SPEAKER_01:

That's true.

SPEAKER_00:

So you know what?

SPEAKER_01:

I may yeah, I guess maybe I'm a bit judgmental.

SPEAKER_00:

You know what? Like all the sahaba, not all the sahaba, but a huge majority of the sahaba, actually, maybe all the sahaba, they used to be non-Muslim. And they used to like commit everything that's awful that comes with like Jahiliyya. But now we say Radiallahu anhom.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. I don't know. I'm a terrible person, I know.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know. Everyone's person, everyone's tolerance is different, and uh but yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I don't know, maybe that's just my bias or judgment coming out.

SPEAKER_00:

If Allah has forgiven them and once they're become Muslim, they're like like a newborn person with zero mistakes. So who are we to shut the door?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I guess you're right. So we want you guys to keep a few things in mind before we wrap up. That ultimately marriage is about who you are today, not who you were. And uh the kind of person you are, and yes, you know, there are certain things from your past that should be disclosed if they're carrying over into your marriage, like an STD, for example. But in general, most things don't need to be revealed to a potential match. I would say arguably maybe 90%, if I was to give it a number. So make that the focus. When you are assessing compatibility, try to assess who they are today, what are the goals, what are their future aspirations, what are their values, things like that. And don't try to just make it an interrogation about who they were, right? Um, concealment is not dishonesty when it's done to protect someone's dignity, right? Like if somebody has repented and they're trying to move on and move past their mistakes, in a way they're trying to preserve their dignity. Yeah. And that's important to note too.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah. And you know what, just uh because you mentioned concealment, um, if you decide you want to share something about your past, share it with that, with your future spouse and not with their family. Because a lot of times families are more judgmental than the person.

SPEAKER_01:

That's true. Yeah, that's true.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Let's leave you guys with this question. So if you were in this situation, would you want to know everything about your future spouse, or would you rather they prove to you that they have changed? What matters to you more? Their past or their present?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, it's a good question. Okay. Hopefully this benefited you guys. Feel free to share your comments. Um if you guys have a unique story you want to share with us. We're always uh looking to have people on our podcast that have unique stories. Um, so shoot us an email at infothalalmatch.ca. We'd love to hear it.

SPEAKER_00:

We're not inviting you to come and share your past sins, by the way. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Of course, we would never do that. Until next time.