Diary of a Matchmaker

Is Lowering the Gaze Still Relevant Today?

• Halal Match • Episode 78

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Have you ever been told to “lower your gaze” and wondered what that’s supposed to look like in 2025 when the hardest place to lower it isn’t the street, but your screen? One innocent scroll can turn into a full-blown spiral before you even realize it.

We’re talking about the subtle stuff: how comparison, curiosity, and constant exposure slowly shape what we find attractive, and how that ends up affecting real-life attraction, confidence, and even marriage expectations. Because it’s not just about modesty; it’s about protecting your focus in a world built to steal it. If you’ve ever felt torn between your values and the world you live in, this one will hit home.


If something we said made you think, laugh, or feel seen, leave us a rating and review! It helps more people find the show. And hey, if you know someone who needs to hear this episode, send it their way. Sharing is caring!


SPEAKER_00:

You know, Zayd, lowering the gaze was a lot easier when you just had to avoid bumping into someone in the marketplace.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, now the marketplace is in your pocket, and the vendors are all Instagram models.

SPEAKER_00:

And somehow they all know exactly what you like. Assalamu alaikum. I'm Hiba.

SPEAKER_02:

And I'm Zayd.

SPEAKER_00:

You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

SPEAKER_02:

A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

SPEAKER_00:

We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

SPEAKER_02:

So let's dive in. Bismillah. Asalaamu alaikum, everyone. Welcome to another episode of Diary of a Matchmaker.

SPEAKER_00:

Asalamu alaikum.

SPEAKER_02:

So our apologies. Uh last week we were just so overwhelmed and our schedule got so busy that we were unable to uh record and release an episode last week.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, but we always and will always continue to do our best to release an episode weekly. Uh so our apologies.

SPEAKER_00:

So, yeah, what were we busy doing last week?

SPEAKER_02:

So last week was a very rare and wonderful opportunity that came along our way, which was getting interviewed on another podcast called the Digital Sisterhood.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and if you know anything about the digital the digital sisterhood, you know how big it is, mashallah, how successful they are, and what amazing team they are.

SPEAKER_02:

Mashallah, yeah. So the their kind of thing is storytelling. Uh I believe it's Muslim storytellers, correct?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

So definitely check that out on Spotify. I don't know if they're on other platforms, but they're definitely on Spotify, so check them out.

SPEAKER_00:

I think it's coming out in November.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, you mean our episode? Yes, our episode is coming out in November sometime, but we'll keep you guys posted about that, inshallah. Yeah. Today's topic is something that really does hit home for me. Um, I grew up in a very conservative environment. I went to a private Islamic school uh for junior high for elementary, junior high, and high school. And um my my Islamic school was connected to the masjid. So my world was just girls in hijab, most of my teachers were Muslim. Um my Islamic studies teacher would sometimes be the Imam. And so naturally, when you're transitioning from junior high to high school, lowering the gaze becomes like very uh not just a hot topic, but something that's very strictly enforced.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. So they actually used like to talk to you about this in school?

SPEAKER_02:

Not necessarily talk about it, but you it was more like you were shamed for not doing it to an extent. And I would say it was and the and it kind of tied into segregation too. So in the classroom it would always be guys on one side of the classroom, girls on the other side. You'd get into trouble if you were talking to girls like outside of outside of class.

SPEAKER_03:

Wow.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, and it was just kind of like a very ostracized thing, like you just do not talk to girls.

SPEAKER_00:

We didn't have this in the faculty of Sharia.

SPEAKER_02:

So you guys would openly talk to girls?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, in the hallways? Like you're not uh talking and giggling and laughing and stuff, but yeah, you can talk to guys. Uh usually it's stuff that's related to like the courses and studies and stuff, but yeah, you talk to guys.

SPEAKER_02:

Would you guys ever uh collaborate with the opposite gender on assignments or projects and stuff?

SPEAKER_00:

Uh I don't I don't remember honestly. I think it would be uncommon.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, but it was like healthy interaction.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, well, I don't want you guys to get it wrong. It's not like my school was Saudi Arabia. Like you like, you know, it was Saudi, I think some time ago they had the Haram police basically. Yeah. Right? Where it was just like it was very strict and you would pretty much go to prison for like the slightest thing.

SPEAKER_00:

Um Nahian al Munkar.

SPEAKER_02:

Pretty much. Um, so it wasn't like that, but there was a shame factor definitely that uh was there that was definitely prevalent there in high school. So why might I bring this up? Um, because today's topic is about lowering the gaze. And uh lowering the gaze is of course that's something that is mentioned in the Quran. Um would you mind sharing the ayah?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, of course. I'm pretty sure most Muslims know it. And then the rest of the ayah, while I be in a zinahuna illamada minha in Surah Nur. Yes, and it translates says uh it says, of course, tell the believer, believing men, to lower from their gaze.

SPEAKER_04:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

And protect their private parts, and same thing for women, to lower from their gaze and protect their private parts.

SPEAKER_02:

And I noticed as you were translating that you emphasize from their gaze, and what's the reason for that?

SPEAKER_00:

Because the ayah doesn't tell you to like go blind or like look down while you're walking or while while you're talking to the opposite gender. Lower from your gaze, not lower your gaze, your full gaze. Because life will force you, of course, to like to have healthy interaction, whether it's like with your professor or with the a vendor or I don't know, in the like office or the hospital, whatever, you do need to have like a certain type of interaction, eye eye contact with the opposite person.

SPEAKER_01:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

But it's it's about how you look. I I think it's more about how you look. Definitely looking with lust, or you're looking just to keep a normal like conversation.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and I think back on my childhood, and the problem is is that these verses like this is a classic example of something that is just taken, copy and paste, and it's not applied in context. And so I remember when I you know, I I didn't even know the verse, but I just knew that you have to lower your gaze. So I would see my fellow classroomes just looking down on the floor as they were talking to a female teacher, or if I was talking to um like I remember one of uh one of the students I was teaching, whenever I would talk to his mom, I would look look down, just look at the floor, and I was it was just this feeling of like it just doesn't feel right, like feeling of awkwardness, like something is off. And now when I'm when you're putting it in context and and when I'm under have a better alhamdulillah, better understanding of Islam, it makes sense that the the religion is doesn't operate in a vacuum, right? It operates within a context. And the context, obviously, especially living in the West, is that of course you're gonna be interacting with the opposite gender, you're gonna be working with them as colleagues, as classmates, whatever it might be, and it forms boundaries. Yeah, and we'll get we'll get into that in a second.

SPEAKER_00:

And you know what? Like, even if you're not interacting with anyone, you're just walking down the street. Like here, it's normal to have like women walking in mini shorts and tank tops and stuff like that. So how are you gonna walk? Like looking down, bumping into stuff like it's just it's not practical.

SPEAKER_02:

I mean and you know in your mind, in your heart, that looking at something like that is wrong. So obviously, you if you see that, then you look away. It's just it's a very simple problem.

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly. The the problem these days, I feel, is not in lowering the gaze when you're like outside. Because, like we said in the like the intro, it it's in your pocket. You can't you can like stay home for the entire year, but it'll creep up on you on your phone.

SPEAKER_02:

Exactly. And the other thing I want to add to that is that, and I was kind of a victim of this too, and other uh other friends have shared this also, that when you grow up in a very strict environment where everything is just about lowering the gaze, and then you transition to university, and then univers at that time you're considering marriage, it's not a switch, right? You can't just suddenly flip the switch and say, Okay, now I need to look up and be aware of my environment because now I'm considering a suitable spouse, right? And university is the best place for that, right? Because you're interacting with the opposite gender, but if you're constantly lowering the gaze and you're not observing or being observant to the opposite gender, then you're not taking advantage of the opportunity that that's there to you know pursue the next step in your life, which is marriage. Yeah, right? Yeah, and so it really sets you up at a disadvantage at the same time.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Uh, but there's a wonderful story in the seerah that kind of encapsulates this, right? Can you share that, please?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So it's actually a funny story. The Sahabi, Al-Fadrul ibn Abbas, was with the pro was with the Prophet. I believe they were like sitting on a camel or something. And a woman came to the Prophet to ask him a question, and apparently she was beautiful. And uh Al-Faddl ibn Abbas, he was a young man and he kept looking at her.

SPEAKER_02:

And the Prophet I think from what I heard, like his jaw dropped and like his pupils dilated.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know about that, but the Prophet just simply turned his head.

SPEAKER_02:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

And then he looked again, and the Prophet kept Oh, really?

SPEAKER_02:

I didn't know that happened more than once.

SPEAKER_00:

I believe three times maybe. But the beautiful thing, every time the Prophet kept like turning his head, he didn't prove uh review rebuke what the word shame him. He didn't shame him, exactly. So it's it's about the the approach.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Um and and just before, it tells you that like this is a natural thing we have, which doesn't mean we like we should just ignore it completely, but even the best of us, the sahaba, when he was sitting behind the Prophet, he couldn't help himself.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah, it's it's a very natural thing. Yeah, so it's needless to say that we live in visual overload. This like we're living in a digital age, the Instagram world, Facebook, TikTok, whatever. So placing safeguards and boundaries is, I would argue, even more imperative now than in previous generations, right? So how do we manage that? How do we do that? That's that's the million dollar question, I guess.

SPEAKER_00:

If we're talking about your device, your phone, then it's about curating your feed in a way that helps you achieve that. So if you're like all the accounts you're following are uh like I don't know, beauty influencers and models and stuff, whether you're a man or a woman, by the way, like it's the same thing. Maybe it's a little bit harder for men, but women as well, we appreciate beauty. But if that's all you're following, then don't say, Oh, why is it hard to like why is it every time I go on Instagram, I like I see, I don't know, a model or so it's about like you training the algorithm because the algorithm is working against you.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, so even and that's not just um social media, even YouTube, right? YouTube will feed you what you want to see. So if you're watching uh a video about a swimsuit model, you're gonna keep getting that.

SPEAKER_00:

I know, I keep getting videos and shorts about cats.

SPEAKER_02:

Exactly. Uh like Alhamdulillah, like I'm I'm pretty um conscious and aware of what's happening in Gaza and the West Bank. So my feed is constantly about what's what's the latest news, what's happening, and so it feeds me what I'm looking for. So be aware of that.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, and you know what's the tricky part? Like sometimes even if you're following Islamic accounts, it could f it could fall into that um not that category, uh Stakfur Lah, you're not following models, but it could um what is the word? You could fall into the same trap because everything today is about aesthetics, even Islamic content, right? Yeah, so you see that uh hijabi influencer or like hijabi daya or whatever, and she looks perfect, mashallah, with the perfect hijab, the perfect eyebrows, and she looks beautiful without makeup, maybe she's applying filters, maybe not. And the same thing you see the the uh the die or like the the speaker, and he has the perfect beard and the perfect smile, and with the music and the effects, and so it like feeds into your head that this is what to look for, or this is the the average, this is the normal.

SPEAKER_02:

Right, and uh so there's a distinction that needs to be made between temptation and fixation, right? Temptation is natural, right? Which you just shared in that uh story about um uh what was his name?

SPEAKER_00:

Alpha D al-Bin Abbas.

SPEAKER_02:

Alpha Al-Ibn Abbas. So he was um kind of reacting to out of temptation, but fixation is cultivated, temptation is natural.

SPEAKER_00:

You work on it, the fixation you you bring it, you produce it, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

So temptation is natural. Uh Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala has given us ways to channel uh temptation and desire through uh halal and appropriate means. Uh but our fixation is something that can go up and down and that needs to be worked on. Um al Qayim said that the gaze is the messenger of desire. And who's Ibn al-Kayim?

SPEAKER_00:

Ibn al-Khayim is yeah, of course, a famous scholar.

SPEAKER_02:

I mean for people who who don't know, I don't like to quote people I don't know much about, but for people who don't know, the famous scholar. So he said that once you let it deliver its message, the heart responds and the soul follows. What else can you add to that?

SPEAKER_00:

I think it's self-explanatory, it's very deep, but it's like it it tells you that you are in control. Like because after you let uh you let out your gaze, you are not in control of what you're seeing, or like after you see whatever you see, you can control your heart.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

What you can control is your eyes, and like we said, if we're talking about like um social media, what you follow, what you keep seeing, you can control that. Yeah, but after you keep seeing these images, then don't say, Oh, like I I can't help it, I can't stop thinking about it, because you allowed it.

SPEAKER_02:

But the the other part that I want to bring up, I always hear this as a criticism against guys, which is guys are the ones that need to lower their gaze, and it's almost as if girls don't need to. And so it's the the commandment. I mean, the verse you just shared is a commandment for both genders.

SPEAKER_00:

Same thing, same words, yes.

SPEAKER_02:

Right? Because desire and lust works uh across both genders.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, absolutely. Like I said, women appreciate beauty, and uh just like men can't control after they see something, they can't control how their heart feels. It's the same thing for women, but I think for women, especially these days, yeah, more than desiring the looking at men, they desire the attention for women. It's about being desired, that validation, right? Like those those likes and comments to oh you look so beautiful, you drop dead, gorgeous, diva, whatever. Like you can't help I see that a lot with Gen Z. Right? Yeah, no, no, this is I think this is older. I think Gen Z has their own terms these days. We're just not aware of it.

SPEAKER_02:

No, I mean I the problem itself I see a lot with Gen Z. Not I'm not talking about terminologies, like I'm not gonna say her name, but somebody who helps us in the kitchen, yeah. Um constantly taking pictures of herself and and you know, uploading it to social media and stuff.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah, like we didn't have this challenge growing up, the selfie stuff and right, yeah. And um, but on the other hand, for men, it's about like I don't think a man desires being desired as much as he desires looking at women, right? Would you say?

SPEAKER_02:

I say, yeah, there's some truth to that.

SPEAKER_00:

Except for men who keep like posting pictures of themselves in the gym, flexing and whatever, and yeah. So yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. And so there is a time and a place for that, right? When you're building a matrimonial profile, of course you want to look your best. You want to um share a picture with good lighting and things like that. So the question to be asking yourself is are you searching a spouse or you're searching for an audience?

SPEAKER_00:

Hey, if you have a story to tell, we'd love to have you on. Here you'll find a safe space of listeners who can understand what you're going through. Just shoot us an email with a summary of your story at info at halalmaj.ca.

SPEAKER_02:

So needless to say, this um overstimulation with social media or even movies, TV shows that's been going on for decades has left an impact on us. Not just millennials, but also Gen Z, I would say too.

SPEAKER_00:

And um Especially single Muslims.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, especially single Muslims. So number one, desensitization that we become so desensitized to beauty that we're just we're always trying to find somebody or compare somebody to the last model we saw or the last actress that we saw. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00:

Now we can't appreciate real people anymore. Like, I don't know, you see a girl with a pimple or a guy with I don't know, a big nose, then no, absolutely not. I'm gonna not gonna consider them for marriage.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. Right?

SPEAKER_00:

We need a symmetrical face, a symmetrical face, uh flawless skin, uh I don't know, the perfect proportions, or like the smallest thing that makes us human, because there's no perfect human. The smallest thing that makes us human, we just see it as abnormal.

SPEAKER_02:

I think the problem is is that we've subconsciously associated attraction with that. So now we're no longer attracted to kind of the quote unquote flaws that you're referring to, but we're attracted to this idealistic version of beauty now.

SPEAKER_00:

Like I remember one of our clients, we like um presented, I don't know, five girls to him.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh my god. And uh like to be honest, like And on the call, on the call, within a minute, or it's he would just say very bluntly, I'm not attracted to it.

SPEAKER_00:

And and like I felt that he had this like specific image, perfect image in his head that like the girls we presented did not meet. Even though, mashallah, none of them was was like overweight, none of them was disfigured or anything, they all looked like normal girls, but it like it wasn't enough.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, well, needless to say, he did eventually find a girl, alhamdulillah, on his own and got married. So number two, comparison culture. Oh, yes. That I mean, if you're on social media, then you're definitely gonna be a victim to comparison culture at some point in your life.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, like you want the hijabi girl that looks like the the hijabi influencer you follow. You want the scholar, uh like the scholar man who looks so perfect with his flawless beard and I don't know, the blonde beard or the blue eyes or whatever. So normal things don't seem normal anymore.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and of course, the result of that is a lack of appreciation for simplicity.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, exactly. Right?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and it's not just that. I mean, I think we've talked about this in the social media episode where just like you can't appreciate the simple things anymore, right? Like a person has to have a house, a car, like an expensive car, a big house, etc. etc. And the list goes on. And here comes along a guy that doesn't have those things, but he has character and ambition. And ambition. And yes, he might be he might have like, I don't know, a birthmark on his head or something like that. But you've subconsciously developed this unrealistic expectation in terms of what he must physically look like, and this guy that is proposing doesn't meet that.

SPEAKER_00:

Because we're conditioned for spectacle, we're looking for that small thing, we're looking for the flaw, for that one flaw that would make this uh the wrong choice.

SPEAKER_02:

Or did like we've talked about the default no mindset.

SPEAKER_00:

So i it is challenging times, honestly. It was it was simpler for us, it was way simpler for us.

SPEAKER_02:

And our parents' generation. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But we talked about that yesterday. I mean, just because it was simpler doesn't mean that they were happy. You know, we could dedicate an episode to that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, actually.

SPEAKER_02:

Now that I think about it. Um let's dismantle a few modern myths. Uh so myth number one looking doesn't hurt anyone. Does it? Or does it not? It does. It hurts your ability to connect, right?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, to connect sincerely, actually.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, so if you're looking lustfully constantly at women or if girls are doing the same thing, then what's happening as a result of that?

SPEAKER_00:

You're losing the ability to connect on a human level besides the surface level. Yeah, that's true. And you know what? This topic actually, the the topic of lowering the gaze and looking lustfully on all of that, it relates to an interview, inshallah, a topic we will be um recording in the next two weeks with Dr. Fahad Khan about pornography addiction in the Muslim uh like for Muslims, especially for single Muslims, and how that can impact uh the future marriage. So it starts with the lustful look, it starts with just letting go of any boundaries, and then it might lead to that.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Uh myth number two, it's impossible to lower your gaze in this era. Not true, not true at all. Um again, like we said, lowering the gaze doesn't mean you're just looking down at the concrete everywhere you go, right? It's about creating boundaries, it's about not looking lustfully, it's about being conscious of what you're looking at. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00:

It's about awareness, having self-awareness.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Um it's number three. Women don't struggle with gaze. I don't know. I feel like you could talk about that.

SPEAKER_00:

No, we do struggle with gaze.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

We do.

SPEAKER_02:

Maybe not as much as I'm not a woman, that's why I said I'm not gonna elaborate on that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah, but maybe not as much as men do. But you remember, this reminds me of a funny story. So I don't know, uh 15 years ago or something, uh, it was the beginning of this new thing in the Arab world, which is um Turkish TV series that were like voiced over. What is the word? Voiced over in Arabic?

SPEAKER_02:

Dubbed over.

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly, yeah, in a Syrian accent.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, yeah, really.

SPEAKER_00:

And there was this show that uh it was called Noor, Nur Noor Muhammad, this couple, and the guy he was mashallah, super handsome, mashallah.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, you've talked about this before, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And oh my you know how many women got divorced, how many marriages broke because of Muhammad?

SPEAKER_04:

Really?

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, because women uh this is just to like uh it goes to the point you were mentioning that women might not like struggle with this with this thing. The guy was so handsome, and like it was the the first time that something like this, uh a Turkish show like with all their traditions that are different from Arabs is introduced to the Arab world, and women just stop like started comparing their husbands. A lot of homes were wrecked because of Muhammad.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow, yeah, poor guy, it's not his fault though. It's not his fault, it's not his fault, of course. No, I feel bad for the guy.

SPEAKER_00:

No, why? I feel bad for the husbands.

SPEAKER_01:

I feel bad for the husbands too, yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

But wow. And didn't you say it was like when P when women saw this man, they would like pass out?

SPEAKER_00:

Oh my god, like yeah, so like there was a red carpet thing and he came to one of the Arab countries, I can't remember, and women, oh my god, they were like it's crazy. It's like it's the first time they ever see a handsome man.

unknown:

Wow.

SPEAKER_00:

But this goes to this is tied to another topic, not just that, but women are not fulfilled in their marriages. If a woman is fulfilled in her marriage, emotionally, physically, mentally, then no gorgeous man will make her like act this way, right?

SPEAKER_02:

Of course, of course. And it just proves the point that women lust just as much as men do, I guess.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, to all my Arabs out there, if you remember that time of uh Noor and Muhannad, let me know in the comments.

SPEAKER_02:

Myth number four lowering your gaze means being antisocial. It definitely doesn't. And what it teaches instead is discernment when to look away, how to look. It sets boundaries.

SPEAKER_00:

This reminds me of like some uh converse stories I came across of women who converted to Islam. Yeah, and uh like when they're asked about uh why did you decide to wear the hijab or even the niqab, they say because like I want men to treat me or to deal with my brains, with my intelligence and intellect, my character, and not uh based on how I look. Yeah, subhanallah.

SPEAKER_02:

We're all human, but the point is that we're we make an effort to be conscious of it, that we try to be aware of the environment that we're living in, especially now that we are more into the digital age than back when I was for trying to get married. And um we create parameters and boundaries around um around this.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so it's it's not about like being perfect, where even the most righteous of us are gonna slip. Yeah. But but it's about trying your best to go back to the to the to the path. Yes. And creating that self-awareness when you feel weak, realize that and don't let it suck you into this like endless loop or hole.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. So a good analogy to think of is that uh just understanding that we're swimming in this flood of images and lowering the gaze is building a raft. Right. That's a nice one. Yeah. So do you think we've lost our sensitivity to beauty because of this over stimulation or just redirected it?

SPEAKER_00:

That's uh that's a deep question. Yeah. I'd love to read some answers. Even if you guys don't feel like leaving a comment, uh you're always welcome to send us like your thoughts, your reflections in an email at info at halalmatch.ca. Uh and inshallah, we will see you in the next one.

SPEAKER_02:

Alright, take care, guys.