Diary of a Matchmaker

This Might Be Your Most Costly Filter!

• Halal Match • Episode 86

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Real talk: what if you’re single not because your standards are high, but because you’re filtering out every man under a certain number? In this episode, we unpack why height has become the unofficial dealbreaker for so many single women and how that one filter quietly shrinks your options and sometimes blocks amazing men.

We get into the psychology, the social pressure, the curated expectations, and the difference between real attraction and conditioned attraction. We share stories from our matchmaking work, including the good men women skipped before even learning who they were.

If you’re choosing a spouse, not a photoshoot partner, the checklist has to evolve. Tap play and challenge the height rules you didn’t even know you were following. 


If something we said made you think, laugh, or feel seen, leave us a rating and review! It helps more people find the show. And hey, if you know someone who needs to hear this episode, send it their way. Sharing is caring!


SPEAKER_01:

Every time a sister tells me I just can't marry someone shorter than me, I always ask one question. Why? And the silence that follows says more than any high difference ever could. Asalamu alaikum, I'm Hibah.

SPEAKER_00:

And I'm Zayd.

SPEAKER_01:

You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

SPEAKER_00:

A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

SPEAKER_01:

We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

SPEAKER_00:

So let's dive in. Bismaker. Assalamu alaikum, everyone. Welcome to another episode.

SPEAKER_01:

Assalamu alaikum, Hiba and Zayd here.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, that's us. So when you saw my prep matrimonial profile and you were going through, and I'm sure all girls, you know, they go through the picture, they go through the details, profession, things like that. Did you pay attention to my height? Um, in fact, was my height even on my profile?

SPEAKER_01:

I can't remember. I can't remember honestly if it was there, if I looked at it, I can't remember.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. Um, but I'm sure uh you wanted somebody even then or even now, like God forbid we start over again, start searching. You want someone that you can look up to, right? Somebody that you can like that relieves that psychological factor, right? Like a leader by naturally is somebody that is tall. No.

SPEAKER_01:

No.

SPEAKER_00:

Usually, usually psychologically speaking.

SPEAKER_01:

No, I completely disagree.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. In most cases in history, I think leaders were pretty tall.

SPEAKER_01:

How would you know? How would we know?

SPEAKER_00:

What do you mean, how would we know?

SPEAKER_01:

There wasn't any photography, any videography, nothing.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

This is how they're portrayed. But is it true? We don't know.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. But I think psychologically speaking, a woman does want somebody that they can look up to, somebody that is tall, strong, so you say you're confusing two things.

SPEAKER_01:

Women do want somebody uh who they can look up to.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, and that gets naturally associated with leadership.

SPEAKER_01:

So yes. Yes here, up till here we're agreeing. Okay. But when you start connecting leadership and um what else did you say? Looking up to someone, when you associate that with height, that's where we disagree. So just like some background for this topic. So, alhamdulillah, we've been doing this work for more than four years now, and we've talked to a lot of people.

SPEAKER_00:

Hundreds.

SPEAKER_01:

Hundreds of people.

SPEAKER_00:

We're getting, I'd say we're pretty close to the thousands now.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, maybe we crossed it, maybe not. I don't know. But we've spoken to a lot of girls in uh different age groups, and this is something that always keeps coming up height.

SPEAKER_02:

Height.

SPEAKER_01:

And it frustrates me personally because I feel a lot I see a lot of good guys who don't even get a chance just because of their height, who get judged based on something that's completely out of their control. And on the other hand, you see girls who reach the age of like late 30s, mid-40s, even we saw mid-40s, who still refuse to consider a guy who's really good, successful, funny, great personality, good values, but he's shorter than them. Like they don't even give it a second to think about it. So you prefer to grow old alone and miss out on the opportunity of building a family and having a companion just because of height?

SPEAKER_00:

See, I think I think you're overlooking something, which is the physical attraction. I feel that height is what guys feel like about when it comes to weight. Now, uh granted, weight is something that can be controlled in most cases, unless it's a genetic factor. But in most cases, yes, weight can be controlled. But it feels like the same thing that you can't feel attracted to like with most guys generally, you can they don't feel an attraction to somebody who's overweight. With girls, I feel that they just don't feel an attraction to somebody that is shorter than them.

SPEAKER_01:

I agree, I disagree. I I do agree that attraction. No, no, I do agree that attraction plays a big role, and of course, you can't like marry someone you're not attracted to, right? But I don't see a correlation between height and attraction. I mean, you're sitting down at dinner for dinner, you're laying down on the couch, you're watching a movie. You're looking at their face, you're not looking at their height. Like, what difference when you're sitting down for dinner does this have to do with anything?

SPEAKER_00:

It's not about that. It's about when you're going out in public.

SPEAKER_01:

Ah, you see? It's about what people think, what people say.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I think that plays a part. Like, yes, uh, you know, the whole Instagram effect and what people think that can be a bit detrimental. But at the same time, like I would think if I was to marry or consider a girl that was overweight, in the back of my mind, I would be thinking, how would we look in pictures? How would we look in public? Like me holding the hand of somebody that's that weighs more than me. I know I sound very shallow.

SPEAKER_01:

No, no, two things. First of all, weight is linked to health. You want somebody who has a healthy weight, who's like who's gonna be healthy, right?

SPEAKER_00:

Of course.

SPEAKER_01:

Weight also managing your weight and being fit, that uh shows a great deal of discipline and uh respecting the amana that Allah gave you, which is our health, our body. Uh I understand that. And weight also affects how the person looks, like their their features, their face. You can see the difference between a chubby person and after they lose weight, how they look completely different, right? Uh also in terms of intimacy and all of that. But what does height have to do with anything? It has nothing to do with health. You know what? Yesterday I asked you a question and you started answering, and then I said, don't answer. I want to hear your fresh take on this while we record, when we record. Okay, well. So I'll ask you again. Which do you think is more acceptable? A girl rejecting a man because he's shorter than her, or rejecting a man because he's in a wheelchair?

SPEAKER_00:

Um socially acceptable, I would say rejecting a man who is in a wheelchair.

SPEAKER_01:

Why?

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, maybe not socially acceptable, but would make more sense.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

And also understanding what would result in more shame. Because you would definitely get I think you would get blasted and shamed if you rejected somebody in the in a wheelchair, right?

SPEAKER_01:

That's a good point. Which is yeah, which is more shameful, like as terrible, as horrible as it sounds, just saying that. But I'm just trying to go to the extreme for the extreme.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so which is more shameful? I would say, yeah, rejecting somebody in a wheelchair.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, because why?

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know. Because they're in a circumstance that is in that is beyond their control.

SPEAKER_01:

Exactly. Right. You just you just hammered on the point I was trying to make. It's completely out of your control. But for some reason, we feel a sense of pity for a man who's in a wheelchair. But a man who's born shorter, it's much easier to like to reject him. It's more socially acceptable to the other.

SPEAKER_00:

There's two separate things. What is more shameful and what makes more sense?

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, so what which one would make more sense?

SPEAKER_00:

Um rejecting somebody in a wheelchair makes more sense because um that requires more responsibility, then that comes with the burden of taking care of them, intimacy, all of those factors come into play. So naturally you're gonna be thinking about, you know, long-term, you know, how how can you build a life with this person 20, 30 years from now? So it makes more sense to reject somebody that's in a wheelchair.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, I guess. But I feel that us as a community, and unfortunately I feel this is more common in the Muslim community, we judge people before giving them a chance. So, like for example, if we say that no, I can't marry a man who's shorter than me, I can't marry a man who's on a who's in a wheelchair, we're inadvertently saying that a shorter man should only marry a woman who's his height or shorter. A man in a wheelchair should only be considered by a woman in a wheelchair or even worse conditions. So, what does this say about our community? What about like what about the person, the personality, the the deen, the akhlak, the success, the what about some things matter more to girls than others.

SPEAKER_00:

Like, I remember one girl, uh the super successful one neurologist, she was she rejected. I'm like before we could even move ahead with the presentation of the match, once she heard the height, she said no. Because and I remember her words, she said, um, and she even apologized for it. She's like, I'm sorry, I just that's just one thing I can't get over.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, and but when you ask them, ask them why they can't articulate.

SPEAKER_00:

And that that proves my point.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, so why do you think women say no to a shorter man?

SPEAKER_00:

Why do I think I think girls deep down need somebody that, like I said in the beginning, they need somebody that they can look up to, and so height automatically gets associated with protection. Height gets associated with this need to look socially compatible, so they want to look pretty with their heels and the and they want to um look good when they go out, so that you know the husband is the the protector hovering over them, and so they feel like there's this shroud of protection when they're gonna be able to do that. What is it?

SPEAKER_01:

Do we live in the jungle or what?

SPEAKER_00:

I'm just just thinking outside of the box. And maybe they just don't feel feminine enough next to a partner. I don't know. That's something that you can elaborate more on.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, I I feel these reasons you mentioned they are just um cover-up.

SPEAKER_00:

For what?

SPEAKER_01:

For something deeper. Height becomes a shortcut for emotional security and emotional availability. So women deep down might think that a shorter uh uh taller guy is more emotionally available. Also, wanting a taller guy could hide things that women will not admit out loud. Something like, I don't know, I'm afraid to be j I don't want to be judged by my family. I don't want to hear comments from an auntie. I don't want to look like I settled.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, or look awkward in photos. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01:

But is it true? Is it true that if you marry a a shorter guy, this means you settled? This means you're a loser.

SPEAKER_00:

I think that's a bit of an extreme way of thinking. Yeah, I guess.

SPEAKER_01:

I think it is it is there, subconsciously it is there.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, or how they look in Instagram photos, Facebook pictures, wedding pictures.

SPEAKER_01:

So these are the the superficial reasons, but they're hide behind them. I don't think uh a mature woman who's serious about marriage would really reject a guy just because she's uh worried about how we're gonna look on Instagram. No, it might like she might say something like this, but under it, beneath it, there are deeper reasons.

SPEAKER_00:

Instagram's just uh just another way of illustrating the problem. So yeah, you're right. It does mask the underlying fears that girls have fear of judgment, fear of um being shamed by family and friends, but also another underlying fear I feel is that you're not meeting certain cultural expectations. Right? Yeah. That culturally speaking, especially in Daisy culture, the guy has to be taller than you. Right? I is it the same thing in Arab culture? I feel is this more than that?

SPEAKER_01:

I think this is a universal, it's not just universal thing, but uh but specifically for our culture, for us Muslims, like we girls are brought up to uh like be shy, be modest, uh be I don't know, quiet and whatever, and feminine and petite and whatever. This like subconsciously makes you think that a good husband is should be the exact opposite of this. He should be loud, he should be tall, he should be strong, he should be uh muscular.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. So let's list out the cultural expectations. The guy has to be taller than you, he has to be older than you. Older, exactly. That's another episode we can dedicate to uh age, ageism. Yeah, the whole ageism factor.

SPEAKER_01:

Let us know, guys, in the comments if you'd like us to discuss this topic.

SPEAKER_00:

But yeah, masking cultural expectations as well as judgment. Those those are the two big things that I feel people uh that girls are saying or the two reasons girls are saying no because of height.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, and and on and our culture as well, Arabs. I don't know if in all like Arab communities or not, but usually it's okay if the guy is darker.

SPEAKER_00:

Really?

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, like a guy, uh a fair-skinned guy marrying a darker skinned girl, like looks very weird. Like, why did he could have done better? But yeah, I can see that in terms of culture. If if the guy is darker and the woman is uh fair skinned, that's completely fine. Even like even like in the uh the um beauty criteria for Arabs, a muscular, like handsome guy is a little bit asmar, asmarani, like um uh a little bit dark. This is a masculine guy, but a fair-skinned guy with a blonde hair and stuff, like he looks handsome, but he's like um a cutie, more like a cutie, not a husband material.

SPEAKER_00:

So the problem now that we're seeing with this is that this way of thinking is resulting in people shrinking their pool of selection. So now, and I remember we did an entire like YouTube video about this with the graph, and we talk about this in our workshop, where I basically have this kind of pie-looking thing. And girls and even guys start picking and choosing and saying, Okay, I want someone of a certain profession, I want someone of a certain location, I want someone of a certain ethnicity. And slowly but surely that circle gets smaller and smaller and smaller until the pie becomes that pool becomes so small that your s the selection of people that you have is very limited.

SPEAKER_01:

It's only you and your brother ends up.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And so height is kind of doing the same thing, is you're just shrinking that pool even more and more to the point where it's just like like the whole point is is that and we we preached about this almost in every episode. The point is that you should be coming back to your core values. And that as a mature person looking to get married, you understand what your core values are and understanding um or allowing your core values to be your guiding compass in finding a spouse.

SPEAKER_01:

And uh also it's worth mentioning that that pool we started with in the beginning, the big circle, that's already a minority. We are a minority. So we're not starting with the entire population of Canada or America or the UK or Germany.

SPEAKER_00:

Canada alone, I believe, Muslim population is five percent. Less less than five percent.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah. And out of those five percent, there are almost like half our men, half are women. You got the children, you got the the elderly, you got the married men, you got the men who don't want to be married. So uh like women end up competing for the same 10-15% of uh men who uh like uh check certain height, certain education levels.

SPEAKER_00:

So when you add the height factor, like I said, you shrink the pool even more and you're making the search more difficult for yourself.

SPEAKER_01:

And those men, the tall men, they understand their value. Um like I don't know how to say quotation marks uh in audio. So they can pick and choose, they can't. So they they usually delay marriage, they usually ghost more, they're usually less serious, they have way more options.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, I we don't want to pass a judgment on all tall men, but but that that is yeah, I can see that happening.

SPEAKER_01:

They recognize that uh they have something that most men don't have. Yeah. So they have more options.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And if you combine that with a successful career and you know, a healthy weight and they go to the gym, oh, they definitely got options then.

SPEAKER_01:

So you're not the only one chasing this guy, sister.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. What we want for you guys, deep down, is for you to make your search as easy as possible while staying within the parameters of Islam. And the Prophet is in his Sunnah, there's so many examples of this that we've uh you know explained in previous episodes that whenever he would speak to his companions about marriage, he would find ways to make it easier for them. You know, whether they were companions in uh extreme luxury and they were rich or the poorest of the poor, he would always try to make the the journey of ease for them.

SPEAKER_01:

SubhanAllah, you know, just And we do the opposite. We do just mentioning this this reminds me of um a story from the Sunnah. Where so there's a Sahabi Ibn Mas'ud, he was known to be um a short man and petite as well. He like he had a fragile body. And the sahaba, one one time he was with the sahaba and he had to like climb a tree or something, and the sahaba made fun of him, like the wind revealed his uh his leg, and they saw how like thin it was, and sahaba made fun of him jokingly. So the Prophet got mad and he's like, this leg that you're joking that you're making fun of is worth I can't remember what he said, but is worth so much in the eyes of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

SPEAKER_00:

I believe he was known for his uh understanding of the Quran.

SPEAKER_01:

His recitation, his recitation, subhanAllah. Dear sisters, a taller man doesn't mean a man with better khiwama. A taller man doesn't mean a better leader. He could be a great leader, the tall this tall guy, and the shorter guy can also be a great leader. Height has nothing to do with it. So we just need to dismantle this whatever psychological thing we have in our in our minds about the correlation between the height and the quality of man. Not even in ten years, in three years, two years of marriage, his height isn't gonna make a difference to you. Yeah, what's gonna make a difference is how he treats you. How like is he respectful? Is he kind? Does he keep his promises? Is he a good provider? Is he a good father? Does he get along well with your family? Yeah, that's what's gonna matter.

SPEAKER_00:

I think the important thing to do is to have a shift in the way you approach a potential spouse, in the way you understand what will make a compatible spouse. And one question that you should ask yourself is instead of how does he look in pictures, how would he look in social media or in marriage pictures, uh, does he to look tall next to me? Instead ask yourself, can I build a life with him? Yes. Does he carry the core values that I'm looking for? Yeah. Is he going to be respectful and understanding of the decisions, like for example, if you're a career-oriented woman or if you want to homeschool your children, will be will he be respectful of those decisions? Yeah. So those are the important things to be looking for, and it is a matter of a matter whether he's short or tall, those things do not correlate with core values.

SPEAKER_01:

You know what? Uh it just occurred to me the reason I might feel stronger about this than you is because as a person with disability who did not choose to be born with it, I faced my fair share of judgment. And I was passed and rejected and ignored based on something that I was born with. I'm not saying being short is a disability or anything, but it's something that's completely out of your control. So it bothers me. Like, for example, we have this great guy on our database. He's such a great guy. He's success, super successful, he's super handsome, mashallah. Much older. He's so. The age group he's in, we have a lot of girls who are looking for a guy in this age group. He's single, never married. He's very fit and like he's everything you want in a man, but he's on the shorter side. I think he's like five, two.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And no girl so far has given him a chance. And these girls we're talking about, like they cross the average marriage age. Yet they're still not considering him. And it bothers me. Like, why?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, the part that does bother me a little bit is not at least giving him a chance. Like I could understand if you got you saw the whole package, right? You learned about his values, his expectations, his deal breakers, all of those things, and then you took into account his height, and then you said no, okay. Yes. But then some girls, yeah, like you said, just don't get past the height.

SPEAKER_01:

Don't and and also, like, he's so funny.

SPEAKER_00:

But yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Like, I don't know. It does bother me. I put myself in the shoes of the guy and like he really wants to get married, and he's fine if the woman, like he's fine if the woman passed the age where she can have children. He's in his late forties, but no one's giving him a chance.

SPEAKER_00:

If you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't know where to seek help, let us help you. We can be your personal matchmakers. Visit us at halalmatch.ca and book a free call with us. So, needless to say, the community plays a significant role in helping single Muslims get married. The masjid, the community, aunties and uncles, it's like the saying goes, it takes a village, right? And that's not just raising children, but that's also finding compatible spouses. So, number one, stop using height as some sort of superficial indicator of a good spouse. Um, you know, for a man, yes, he needs to be the protector, he needs to be the financial provider, he needs to have certain masculine traits, but that has nothing to do with height. So there are plenty of men that are shorter that have the qualities that the Prophet talks about in many of his hadith that uh qualify them to be a good match. Secondly, raise boys with confidence. If they end up being short, that's okay. But don't feel uh don't raise them in a way that they have to compensate for that.

SPEAKER_01:

Exactly, exactly. Yeah. If your daughter shows interest in a guy who's shorter, don't start like talking her out of it and just what will people say? What will aunties say? I think you can find someone better. Like, are you sure? Like, don't do that.

SPEAKER_00:

We have to do away with these cultural and superficial expectations for marriage.

SPEAKER_01:

They have nothing to do with the deal.

SPEAKER_00:

Marriage is becoming harder and harder. I mean, finding a spouse is becoming harder and harder. Yeah. And this just this kind of mentality just makes it even harder.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Encourage her. On the contrary, don't even look at the height, don't mention the height. It's not worth mentioning.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. Girls, we want to hear from you mainly, more so than the guys. Does hype matter to you? Is it a strong factor when considering a potential spouse? And why? And why? Remember, we don't judge, we don't change, we don't do any of those things. We just simply want to learn. We want to hear from you guys. So let us know why hype matters. And um, you know, the more you guys give us feedback, the more we can give back to you guys. So feel free to comment. And also, guys, have you been rejected because of your height? Are you on the shorter side? Let us know. Uh, what is what was that experience like? And um, until next time. Yeah, salam.