Diary of a Matchmaker

Family Compatibility: Necessary or Overrated?

• Halal Match • Episode 87

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What if the biggest risk to your marriage isn’t who you marry, but the family you marry into? Some singles over-optimize for it, rejecting solid matches because a mom feels “too involved” or a family looks unfamiliar. Others ignore it completely, assuming love will magically fix the in-laws later. In this episode, we tackle both extremes and how to find the sweet spot in between.

Drawing from years of matchmaking and our own interracial marriage, we unpack real in-law dynamics across Muslim families: when guidance turns into control, when privacy is mistaken for secrecy, and how cultural love languages get misread. We break down clear red, yellow, and green flags and show you how to tell the difference between values that matter and styles that don’t. If you want a marriage that can thrive, not just survive, this one’s for you.

If something we said made you think, laugh, or feel seen, leave us a rating and review! It helps more people find the show. And hey, if you know someone who needs to hear this episode, send it their way. Sharing is caring!


SPEAKER_00:

Assalamu alaikum. I'm Hibah.

SPEAKER_01:

And I'm Zayd.

SPEAKER_00:

You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

SPEAKER_01:

A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

SPEAKER_00:

We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

SPEAKER_01:

So let's dive in. Bismillah. Asalaamu alaikum, everyone. Welcome back to another episode.

SPEAKER_00:

Assalamu alaikum.

SPEAKER_01:

We owe you an apology, guys. We could not uh release an episode last week. There were some unforeseen circumstances that prevented us. Um we try to stay as committed and consistent as possible. Um but last week was just one of those off weeks. Um but moving forward, we will definitely try to stay focused and release an episode every week.

SPEAKER_00:

Inshallah.

SPEAKER_01:

Inshallah. So our families are very different in multiple ways, not just because of the fact that we are an interracial couple, um, but even in terms of religion values, to an extent, I feel like there's a lot of differences.

SPEAKER_00:

I think in terms of religion, they're almost on the same wave.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I would yeah, actually, you're right about the religion part. Um, but on other things I feel there is a difference.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01:

How much of a factor was family compatibility to you when we were talking?

SPEAKER_00:

Uh honestly, I was so happy that they are different. Really? Yes. Because just the fact that they can't communicate created more room for us to just be ourselves and uh just like dictate whatever we want in our marriage.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now that I think about that, that was a blessing.

SPEAKER_00:

Like, I'm not saying that if they could communicate, then our marriage will will not work, but it just made it easier for us. Like we were the ones in charge.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I saw so much of that when I was meeting families. Like there there was never a good balance of parental involvement and um allowing their like the the family's daughter to speak and and address what she wanted in the marriage, it was always like the gatekeepers were the parents in almost every situation, especially with Daisy families. It was always the parents first. Yeah. And if you don't meet their expectations, regardless of what the girl wants, if you don't meet their expectations, whatever it was, then you can't even move on to the next step.

SPEAKER_00:

Do you think the girls were like fine with that, comfortable with that, or do you feel like they were like suppressed?

SPEAKER_01:

I feel like girls, at least the girls that I spoke to, they were just allowing the parents to take control. For whatever reason, I think either some of them they were just kind of raised that way, and other ways they just there was just kind of a lack of initiative. In some cases, there was uh the princess mentality is like, oh daddy's gonna take care of me, daddy's gonna find the guy for me, mommy's gonna find the guy for me, and uh they're gonna do all the legwork and I just have to show up for the wedding.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, that's strange. Like I would have assumed that uh any like Muslim or any person who grew up here in the West, they would have this like fairy tale mentality. I want to meet someone on my own and fall in love and like challenge the world, and not that I want my parents to do the job and take care of it, and I'll just show up to the wedding.

SPEAKER_01:

No, they want to have their cake and eat it too.

SPEAKER_00:

How so?

SPEAKER_01:

They want to be pampered, be taken care of, and all of those things, and at the same time also have dad, mom and dad find the person for them.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, well, where's the fun in that?

SPEAKER_01:

The fun is that in that is that you don't have to do any work. You just have to show up and look pretty.

SPEAKER_00:

Interesting. So, to any uh new listeners who do not know about our background, our stories, so our families, like you said, Zaid, are very different. I come from an Arab family. I grew up in Palestine. My parents speak mainly Arabic, they don't speak any English. You come from a Daisy, from a Pakistani family. You the your parents don't speak any Arabic, and you grew up in the West. Yes, and even your family mostly grew up in the West.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Yeah. For the most part, yeah. At least your mom.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So you see the levels of differences like in terms of culture, in terms of language, in terms of upbringing, geographical location. Exactly, they're completely different.

SPEAKER_01:

Very different. So the point is that, and this comes up a lot when uh when we talk to people, uh, which is the level of family compatibility, and that kind of happens in two ways. Number one, the need to for the guy or the girl to be compatible with the family that they're marrying into, and the need for the two families to be compatible also. Yeah. How much of that is important, and to what degree does that play a role in the future marriage?

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, let's dive in.

SPEAKER_01:

So, number one for me is privacy. I would have a huge problem, and I think I feel like most people would agree, if the in-laws or parents were very intrusive. I don't think any marriage can flourish that way. Yeah. Right? Ever every couple, of course, wants some degree of autonomy, and then that becomes a bigger concern if you're moving into the the family's house.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, it becomes very difficult. How to preserve privacy when you're living together 24-7.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, like the last couple we matched, the girl moved into the guy's house. And she's she's very young, she's just 19. Yeah. And I was actually surprised that she was okay with that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, me too.

SPEAKER_01:

When we were asking her some questions about what are you okay with, what are you looking for, very flexible, and the most I wouldn't say alarming but surprising part was that she was okay with moving into the guy's house.

SPEAKER_00:

And alhamdulillah, his parents turned out to be the non-intrusive type.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, yeah, so far, alhamdulillah looks like it's going well. Uh, the second thing that we should bring up is consultation/slash involvement. How much because parents always like to share their life experience. They want to say, I don't think this is a good idea. Even sometimes your mom does it a little bit here and there, right? Like she kind of just like throws in comments.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Some of it, honestly, some of that life experience that parents want to share is legit. Like we have to get off our high horse as if we know everything. Yes. And uh our parents is just so outdated. We have to be open to some advice. But uh yeah, there is a difference between advice and dictating. Of course, of course.

SPEAKER_01:

Sometimes we have to take it with a grain of salt, and sometimes we have to listen. Yeah. Uh alhamdulillah for my mom, she gives us a lot of autonomy. Like there are moments where she does deep down disagree with some of the decisions we're making, but she'll never give her opinion, right? You've seen it a few times.

SPEAKER_00:

You were telling me she's always saying this that's between you two. Like disagreements would happen in front of her, and uh, I'll try like to get her to get on my side. And she's like, That's between you two. Yeah. Even you know what? I told her once, like, inshallah, after the baby comes, if you see me doing anything wrong, if you have any advice for me, please don't hold back, just share, just and I felt like she wasn't even comfortable with that.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow, really?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, I guess that's a good thing. I mean, I'll take it. I'll definitely take it. Alhamdulillah, we're very blessed uh by the fact that we don't live with our parents, or my parents, or even with your parents. And in fact, I'd even go a step further. Like, even when I was living in your parents' house for five weeks when I visited Palestine, your parents weren't that like overbearing or intrusive. Um, they gave us our space.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, but the thing with Arab uh people, with us Arabs, is that like we convey or we show our love in a different way than you Daisies do. Or at least maybe not all Daisies, but because you, your mom, like your family grew up in the West. So you kind of have this like hybrid culture between Daisy and Western. So we show our love by caring, asking too much, uh like being overprotective. Uh that's why, for example, I always ask you, Are you tired? Like I'm not like telling you like you're not sure if it irritates me. Yeah, like I'm not saying you're weak if you're tired, but this is like me being like concerned about you and stuff. So we show it show it in different ways. I remember, you know what? I don't know if this is relevant here or not, but just to show an example of like how cultures can be different, and especially like when we later talk about interracial marriages. Like when I first moved here to Canada, and we started going to your uh parents to have dinner and stuff. Subhanallah. So like dinner would be served, and I would like sit and wait for someone to serve me, put some food in my plate, because like I'm the new bride and stuff, and everyone would just serve themselves and start eating.

SPEAKER_01:

Everybody for themselves, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And I'm like, okay, should I reach for the food or should I wait? Like, is this because in our culture, when you have a guest, you serve the guest. Yeah, yeah. And I know I wasn't a guest, but still I was.

SPEAKER_01:

But our family is just like, whatever, we're hungry, everybody just grabs some food. So we're not very traditional in that respect, I guess.

SPEAKER_00:

And like even in the beginning, in the first, like, I don't know, a few weeks, few months, like I would eat just a little bit. Like, I would I feel like taking a second plate, but I'm like, no, this is disrespectful. And now I take thirds and fourths.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow. I actually remember when we went out for breakfast. So I think this was the first or second day you met my family. We all went out for breakfast, and uh, I think it was uh like Egg Harbor, it was someplace in in Chicago. I remember. And the waiter brought out the food, the food's on the table, and your food was sitting there right in front of I think your food came first, yeah, and you didn't touch it because you were waiting for everybody else to get their food. And I was just like, dude, just eat, man. Just like we're not that like you know, traditional and and formal. It's just like the foods in front of you, just eat. This is how we do it. Yes. So I got I got that, but it was just something that stood out to me. So the point is that there are certain things that uh you should be mindful of. I would say things that would be deal breakers, things that require some clarity, and things that you should consider as a compatibility factor to move ahead. So let's categorize them. Green flags, yellow flags, and red flags. Sure. Okay. So what's one green flag for you?

SPEAKER_00:

Um the fact that the family doesn't interfere. Like they give us our space to make our own mistakes, our own decisions.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, but how would you determine that during the courting phase?

SPEAKER_00:

For example, the guy and the girl disagree on something. The family doesn't start to try to influence their son or their daughter.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, that's a good point.

SPEAKER_00:

So yeah, for example, for example, uh the girl agrees or like suggests an amount of mahir that she wants. The family respects that. Maybe her family thinks it's like a little bit low, but they respect that. They don't try to change her mind.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, that's one example. I think another example, and this probably comes up a lot, is uh discussions about the way the wedding is gonna go. Yeah, that's a big one. Like, are we gonna do it fancy? Are we gonna do it s simply? Are we gonna do it in the masjid or nice or like a five-star hotel?

SPEAKER_00:

Is it segregated?

SPEAKER_01:

Is it segregated? Is there gonna be music? Is there gonna be dancing? And to what degree are the parents allowing the couple to do it, or are the parents dictating? Now, of course, like at the end of the day, we can't overlook something that marriage is not just a union between two people, it's a union between two families. So parents do have a say and they have a right to say something, but there are boundaries, and to what degree are parents going to interfere? And I would say for me, the main filter is religion. Are they you know requiring you to do something that is not fared for the marriage? Right, like I don't know, having an expensive suit or having an expensive cake. Expensive cake. Like these are not required. But are they making that compulsory? I don't know if it's a deal breaker, but it'd be a cause for concern.

SPEAKER_00:

You have no idea how many marriages, especially in the Middle East, just broke marriages to be broke just because of uh disagreements about the wedding itself. Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. Like the wedding invitations are already sent, everyone's ready, the the hall is booked, everything, but they like disagree, the two families disagree on something. The girl's family wants something extra. Or something, or the guy is being just too stingy, or something like that.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, that I don't know why people would be sending out wedding invitations prior to these discussions.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know. Or sometimes over maher.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Like lots of people delay the maher discussion till the end. Yeah, yeah, we'll figure it out later, don't worry. Sometimes they delay it until Danika day. Oh well, don't worry, don't worry, it'll happen.

SPEAKER_02:

Really?

SPEAKER_00:

Yes. And then that's a part. And then while while while Danikah is happening, all hell breaks loose.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh God, now now we want the house, now we want the car as a mah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So what happens is some families do this on purpose because they feel that, oh, at that moment when everyone's attending and stuff, like he's not gonna disagree. It's messed up. And some men do the opposite. They suggest like a very um small number because they think everyone's already there, no one the family is not gonna object. So it's just coming to the code. Maybe, maybe it does, but maybe not here, maybe not in our surrounding. But it's just about like coming with the right intention makes a huge difference.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah, for sure. Um, what's another green flag?

SPEAKER_00:

I would say that when the couple disagree, the families don't try to just add fuel to the fire. Yeah, I told you, you see? I told you. If he's like this right now, how is he gonna be after marriage or something like that? No, you guys are adults, you chose each other, you figure it out on your own. If you want our advice, we'll give you our advice.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Uh another one for me, which is which is big. Uh, parents don't demand access to every decision.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Exactly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, they don't they don't need you don't need to tell them every little decision you're making. Now, of course, if you're relocating, you know, your you know, big life-changing decision. Yeah, of course, you have to involve your parents, your in-laws, and all that stuff.

SPEAKER_00:

But not what we're cooking for dinner. Right.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, I'm buying a new car, like, oh my god, I gotta tell my parents, right? Or I'm buying a new TV, I gotta tell my parents.

SPEAKER_00:

Some parents are like, we're not gonna interfere, but we just want to know everything.

SPEAKER_01:

Right, right. Like it's such a sneaky way to put it. Yeah. Right.

SPEAKER_00:

Hey, if you have a story to tell, we'd love to have you on. Here you'll find a safe space of listeners who can understand what you're going through. Just shoot us an email with a summary of your story at info at halalmatch.ca.

SPEAKER_01:

So we talked about green flags. Now, the on the flip side, red flags, deal breakers.

SPEAKER_00:

These are the these are the things that when you see them, you should just run away.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, sirens are going off, the fire departments coming. Yeah, it's chaos. So one example is yeah, this is a scary one. Marriage is conditional on obedience. Oh boy.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yes, and like sometimes parents would use like religious uh words or religious expressions to instill this fear. Like, like by Islam, according to Islam, you're supposed to obey me, and uh, if you don't obey me, like you'll anger Allah, Allah will be angry with you, you have to do this, you don't have to do that. So this religious control, yeah, yeah, that's scary.

SPEAKER_01:

Or um I don't know, I'm just thinking of crazy examples, like you're marrying into a TJ family, and the father-in-law expects you to go on jama'at with them for like 60 days, like that would be too much for and then if you don't, they guilt you and make you feel like you're disobeying Allah.

SPEAKER_00:

Or you're not worthy enough for their daughter. Yeah, but you know, the biggest red red flag is disrespect. When the parents disrespect the potential spouse, and it's it's normal. Disrespect, it's not like it just happened once, it was a slip of a tongue. No, it's normalized. Like when there is disrespect, to me honestly, in any relationship, whether it's between spouses or friends or whatever, when disrespect enters the room, that's it. There's no going back. And again, I'm not talking about a one tick-off time or thing.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, that's that's definitely a red flag for me. Yeah. Because if you're witnessing that in the potential family, then what's to say it won't carry over into your relationship. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00:

And another one that's like the flip side of that is when there's disrespect in the family between the parent and the adult child, not the potential spouse, the adult child.

SPEAKER_01:

And it's normalized.

SPEAKER_00:

And it's normalized. Like if this is how they're treating their son, or if this is how the son is treating his parents, then how do you expect they're gonna treat you as a stranger entering the family?

SPEAKER_01:

For sure.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. But you know, I have a question, something like I am battling with. Does this mean that we are judging a person by their family? Like sometimes the family could be disrespectful, could be awful. But the the potential spouse themselves, they are a great person and they are completely different from their family.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, so that's a good point. Um, are we judging somebody based on their family? Yes and no, because you can't change the fact that people are the product of their environment. But at the same time, if they are if your circumstances are such that you're going to be living away from your family. And because of that, the the families won't be interfering.

SPEAKER_00:

And also on top of that, if the potential spouse is independent and can advocate for you, they are not mommy's boy or right?

SPEAKER_01:

That's another thing I I didn't bring up. Maturity. Yeah. To what extent are is the girl, like for me, for example, I came into so many circumstances where the girl just couldn't think for herself. She would be saying things where I would say, so for example, there was this one email, I mentioned this to you before. I went to a matchmaking event one time, and um after the matchmaking event, the organizer sent out a list of emails uh of people that you spoke to. So I followed up with one girl and I said, you know, I felt like we had a good conversation, I'd love to get to know you more. Um please let me know if you feel the same way. And the e she sent back an email, and I saved this email for years, for years, because it was just one of those emails that cemented this sentiment that I was feeling for such a long time. Um, and then finally at one point I was decluttering my inbox and I said, Okay, I'm married now, I need to really go. But it was just like one of those things I just held on to for so long.

SPEAKER_00:

So you were finally able to move on.

SPEAKER_01:

I was finally able to move on. Yes, I was. Alhamdulillah. But the email basically said that um my parents are looking for somebody like a doctor, engineer, or lawyer. And uh unfortunately, I don't think um this will be a good fit, or I don't feel like we should move forward. And what that email summarized for me was many things. Number one, the superficial expectations that I had been witnessing for so many years. But two, the the number of girls that just was simply too coward too cowardice to say that what they want is somebody who earns a certain amount and instead hiding behind their parents.

SPEAKER_00:

What if she was uh like genuinely influenced by her parents?

SPEAKER_01:

Or third, yes. Influenced by her parents, which is even worse. Yeah. Right? Because that did that demonstrates a maturity. Yeah. So I don't know how I went on this tangent, but yes.

SPEAKER_00:

How could we end up here?

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know. Uh the point is when we're talking about family compatibility, to what degree is the girl or the guy able to operate on his own to think for himself, or is he just kind of a an extension of his parents? And saying whatever, you know, and we see this sometimes in on phone calls too. I remember a discovery call once where oh, you know which one I'm talking about. Yes. So I will never forget this discovery call. The girl was sitting on the laptop, um, and we were asking her the same series of questions that we ask everybody, so what are you looking for in the match? Um, you know, roles, expectations, things like that. And we could hear a voice in the background saying, Say this, say that. No, this is what you're looking for. And then we asked her, Are you looking for a little bit?

SPEAKER_00:

And then she was she kept looking to the side.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, and then she kept looking. And we could tell. And then finally I said, I'm like, is that your mom in the background? And uh and she said, Yeah, that's I think she said, Yeah, that's my mom. And I was just like, I had to put it right then and there. I was like, if we are to move forward, we're going to learn more about you and not what your mom wants. You're the one getting married and not your mother.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And I don't, I can't remember exactly how the call ended, but of course, we didn't take on the client. But that was just another example of girls, and sometimes it happens with guys, but I've seen it personally a lot with girls that just can't think for themselves, and it's a result of families not allowing the girls to grow and be independent. For those of you guys that are listening, guys and girls, consider that a red flag. Yes, it's a major red flag. Yeah. Because if you move forward with a person that's like that, I can almost guarantee you that there will be a lot of parental involvement, a lot of interference. Yeah, I I think that's a safe assumption to make, right?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah, I agree. Or there's there was another situation where the girl, like it was a little bit different. The girl was a super achiever, and her mom is also a super achiever, and she was on the call as well. And like, for some reason, the mom felt like she needs to speak on her daughter's behalf because like she's such a super achiever, she needs somebody to just explain this phenomena of a personality to us.

SPEAKER_01:

The this wonderful achievement that she's made.

SPEAKER_00:

And what she's looking for, and like and this is a girl in her mid-20s, yeah, something like that. And it was so formal, like the mom and the daughter, like their whole relationship. So they're so formal. It was like we are on this like business meeting or something, one praising the other, and like I'm I'm sure you've heard of my mother.

SPEAKER_01:

She's a right, right? That's what she said, like she's an accomplished doctor or something. Not really like no, and I don't care to know either.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, family compatibility is is something.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. But you know what? One thing is so we talked about our experience as being an interracial couple. Yes. The thing is when uh the two families are from the same ethnicity, some things are assumed to be like uh a given, or it's assumed that the two families are on the same page in terms of like in regards to specific things. Oh and then because of these assumptions, conversations don't happen. Yes. And then conflicts start showing.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. So point being, same ethnicity does not mean same values. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So it could be different communication style, uh, different upbringing, um, just different values. Yeah. Yeah. So the advantage with an interracial marriage is that it forces you to talk about things.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. So uh going back to that point, in the instance that you because in most cases parents or people marry into the same ethnicity, generally speaking. Yeah. So don't assume boundaries. Don't assume that you're going to have a certain level of autonomy in the relationship. Don't assume that you know your in-laws won't dictate decisions regarding child uh upbringing and things like that.

SPEAKER_00:

Or you know, a big one finances. Or finances. Like I've heard uh Ostaz Norman and other talk about these crazy stories where like the guy, whatever he makes, at the end of the month, he gives it to his parents, and his parents give him allowance to spend on himself and his and his family.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I've heard of stuff like that in DC communities.

SPEAKER_00:

So that's crazy. So exactly, don't assume, like, in a respectful way, like you suggested right before we started recording, once the courting has gone, like I don't know, for some time.

SPEAKER_01:

There's a certain level of comfortability.

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly, between you and the family. You can say something like, These are my expectations from you as in-laws. One, two, three, four. What are your expectations from me as a son-in-law or daughter-in-law?

SPEAKER_01:

No, it doesn't have to come off as very formal.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, you like find the right words, but make it, of course, uh come off respectful.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, the point is that you're addressing boundaries.

SPEAKER_00:

And at the same time, you also are learning about what they expect from you. Yeah. Not just what you expect from them.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, just the important thing is just don't assume things.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I think as a good rule of thumb, is when how to distinguish between is this a runaway first situation or is this a situation where we can work it out? Is that is the disagreement about values or about styles?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Because styles can be discussed, we can come to an agreement, but values that's when it becomes uh like a critical point.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, so we've discussed values so many times in previous episodes. Values is what we always preach in our workshops. So, as a reminder, values are things that are a part of your core that bring meaning to your life, things that you cannot live without. And so, as you said, values you cannot change, they are embedded inside us.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Styles, yes, you can change those things.

SPEAKER_00:

Or you can work around them.

SPEAKER_01:

You can work around them. So, for example, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00:

No, I just remembered an incident. So when my family visited us uh two years ago, it was right, or three years ago.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Almost three years ago, yeah. And it was your first experience ever barbecuing. We were bargay barbecuing on the balcony here, and my mom is like the barbecue expert in our family. She's the one who grills. My dad, all he has to do is just come sit on the table, enjoy the steaks while they're hot, and maybe help cleaning up the table. But anyway, and it was your first time. You didn't know what the hell you were doing.

SPEAKER_01:

I I figured it out eventually.

SPEAKER_00:

My story, let me tell it.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh god, whatever. I wasn't doing that bad of a job.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, the meat turned out burnt, but no, okay, maybe one or two pieces. No, okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Every barbecue experience always has some burned meat, almost generally speaking.

SPEAKER_00:

My mom felt like she had to interfere because she's an expert and she saw you doing it wrong. And I remember I was in the kitchen working on salads and dips and whatever, and you guys were outside, and both of you were Heba, tell her to stop. And mom was like, He's doing it wrong, tell him to do it this way. And you guys were driving me crazy. You were driving me crazy. And uh, like I believe at some point you like the argument got a little bit heated or something, right? But at the end of the day, I wanted her off the balcony.

SPEAKER_01:

So I could do this. Like this was my project, even if I'm doing it wrong, let me do it wrong.

SPEAKER_00:

So that's it. It's about a difference. No, it's about difference in styles. Yes. Your style is this is like uh I'm a man, I need to do it myself, I need to learn from my mistake. Her style is I can show you how to do it better, right? So, like this is not disrespect. I don't think this is disrespect, or maybe it was borderline disrespect between you and two. At one point, yeah. But that's what we're saying. When it's a difference in styles, it's completely different than difference in values.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. The questions that probably are lurking in your mind are when should I keep an open open mind and when should I put my foot down? And of course, that's why we went through the deal breakers and the green flags. And of course, there's yellow flags too. Yellow flags, as I mentioned, they are not necessarily deal breakers, but things that might be cause for concern. Um, but there's room for you to get some clarity on.

SPEAKER_00:

Things that could be negotiated. Yes. Yeah, it's not an ultimatum. So for example, one family could expect like weekly visits or like twice a week visits, and the other family expects, I don't know, bi-weekly or not that uh consistent. And uh so here it's like not that difficult to find a middle ground and talk about these things and discuss them in open. But don't leave things just buried and lurking until after the wedding happens.

SPEAKER_01:

For me, a yellow flag, an example of a yellow flag would be with regards to education. So I'm very keen on Montessori. I am a Montessori trained teacher and I'm not too fond of both the public school education system as well as the Islamic school curriculums that I see around me. So for me, I I would definitely tell my parents or my in-laws that I would like to either homeschool my kids or put them in a private Montessori school. And if your parents feel very strongly about either Islamic schools or public education, and they start pressuring me, and but they're not offering me an ultimatum. But no, just putting pressure on me saying, I think this is a better idea, we're also a product of the public education system, we turned out fine, right? Whatever the reason might be. If there's an ultimatum, that's a deal breaker.

SPEAKER_02:

Of course.

SPEAKER_01:

Right? But the fact that there's no ultimatum and there is room for discussion, I'd put I'd say, okay, that's probably a yellow flag, right?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah. Or I guess like if they start to influence me, influence their daughter to make you change your mind. That's a red flag. That's a red flag. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01:

For sure. So the questions that might be lurking in your mind is when should I keep an open mind? When should I put my foot down?

SPEAKER_00:

When should I run away?

SPEAKER_01:

And I would say use these tools that we gave you. What are good, you know, green flags, yellow flags, red flags. Are the things that the future in-laws or the family that you're marrying into, are those things values-based or are they style-based?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So take the time to distinguish between the two. Um, of course, observe family dynamics.

SPEAKER_00:

Observe patterns as well, and not promises. Promises are good, but they tell you intentions. But if you observe patterns, they will tell you reality. So it's true that you're not marrying the family, you're marrying the person, but your marriage operates within a family. It's not something to completely ignore family compatibility, and it's not something to give 100% weight, like more than the compatibility between you and the potential spouse, because that's the base. But it's definitely something to keep in mind and not overlook.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, like I would say your family in general is more culture-based. But you you're not necessarily a very cultural person yourself. Yeah. In terms of the way you think, in terms of your values, your expectations. So if I was to judge you based on what I saw in your family, I'd be seeing you the wrong way. Is that fair to say?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. Right.

SPEAKER_01:

And similarly with me, I think, I don't know, do you feel I'm different than how my family generally operates and thinks? Yeah. Yeah. So going back to what you were saying, yes, there is sometimes the person you're marrying is a reflection of the family, and sometimes they're not.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. You know, I'm glad you brought the topic of traditional, because sometimes we misjudge traditional as toxic or as backwards. The family could be traditional, but they could be very non-intrusive.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes we might judge this whole uh compatibility thing just based on a word or misinterpret a question. Like the mother could ask, Do you know how to cook? And suddenly the girl feels that the entire family is toxic, just because like maybe she has a different intention. Maybe she just wants to get to know you. So don't misinterpret any or don't interpret any question, any word, any behavior as this is intrusive, this is toxic. Like look at the bigger picture, look at the pattern.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, like how often is this being said? I would say is it a consistent thing or not?

SPEAKER_00:

And one more thing also to keep uh um some um eye for is the family dynamic amongst themselves, how the mother treats the father, how the father treats the mother. Are they respectful to each other? How the children, the adult children, which we mentioned before, treat their parents, how the parents treat the adult children. That says a lot about the family dynamics.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. An important thing to note is that there is no perfect person, there is no perfect family. Right? There you're not you're not gonna find the perfect family. Yeah. What you should be looking for is respect, boundaries, and uh, you know, sometimes addressing boundaries or creating boundaries where you know your marriage can flourish, it can breathe, and hopefully be long-lasting.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, inshallah. And if you end up being best friends with your mother-in-law and your father-in-law, that's even better. If your family and his family end up being best friends, like that's a blessing from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. But don't come with the expectation that this is the norm.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Um there was an episode we did a few months back uh with Sami and Rah um, sorry, Summer and Rami. And Rami always talked about uh how he became best friends with his father-in-law. Yeah, even though in the beginning he didn't like like he became closer than I think his father's own sons. Yeah. And they would watch sports games together and just have a blast.

SPEAKER_00:

Subhanallah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So inshallah, that could be the relationship for you guys too.

SPEAKER_00:

Inshallah, keep an open mind. Um, pray uh for tafik from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Pray your istikhara, don't underestimate the power of stikhara. And uh inshaAllah, you end up with the right family.

SPEAKER_01:

Inshallah. Until next time.