Diary of a Matchmaker

What If My Future Spouse Flips After Marriage?

• Halal Match • Episode 90

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Got that quiet fear of “what if they change after marriage?” You’re not paranoid, and you’re definitely not alone. In this episode, we talk honestly about why some people seem to “flip” after marriage, and how that moment usually isn’t sudden at all… we just didn’t know what to look for.

We unpack the pressure to perform during courtship, the ways faith language can be misused to avoid accountability, and how character shows up long before a ring does. You’ll hear stories, patterns, and hard-earned lessons from years of community work, all shared without fear-mongering or cynicism.

Click here to download this episode's checklist to spot the subtle signs of a potential "flipper". 


If something we said made you think, laugh, or feel seen, leave us a rating and review! It helps more people find the show. And hey, if you know someone who needs to hear this episode, send it their way. Sharing is caring!


SPEAKER_00:

Assalamu alaikum. I'm Hiba.

SPEAKER_02:

And I'm Zayd.

SPEAKER_00:

You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

SPEAKER_02:

A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

SPEAKER_00:

We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

SPEAKER_02:

So let's dive in. Bismillah. Asalaamu alaikum, everyone. Welcome to another episode.

SPEAKER_00:

Assalamu alaikum and happy new year.

SPEAKER_02:

Yep, a new year, new resolutions.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, we pray, inshallah, that 2026 is the year you get married if that's what you want, if that's what you aspire for, inshallah.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah. We have a video coming out soon about that. Things to do in 2026 if you guys want to get married. Yeah. And um, number one, prioritize it.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02:

You have to make that as your number one goal more than anything.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And inshallah, once you put in the effort, Allah opens doors for you.

SPEAKER_00:

So, yeah, by the way, if you didn't know about our YouTube channel, it's called Get Married with Hib and Zaid. Go check it out on YouTube.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, for sure. So there is something that I always joke about. But there, I think you have a proverb in Arabic that um that there is truth beneath joking. Right?

SPEAKER_00:

Fish duchan mendunnar. Right, what does that mean? There's no smoke without fire. Yeah, which means like there's always something. There's always something hidden. Right. Mirachyal hai kedal me kochkala hai.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, there's something fishy. Yes. Okay. You have to show off your Urdu right now. So the point is, is that um that what I've seen, actually what we've seen as matchmakers, what I've seen in my personal life, is that um generally speaking, girls more than guys have a flip switch, whether you call it a crazy switch, um, but there's a tendency for people to suddenly change after marriage. Yeah. And funny enough, we just came across a story just last week. A guy that signed up with us uh previously married, and when we asked him about his first marriage, he said that uh during the courting phase, everything was going great. Um they were very compatible, families aligned. He asked all the right questions, all the right questions, and then after marriage, once she got her visa, it's like she was a different person.

SPEAKER_00:

And uh it's not the first case we come across.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and we hear stories very similar to this over and over again. And uh so the question is what's going on? Where is this coming from? Why are people doing this? Is there a level of deceit happening? Is are people just manipulative, or is there something deeper?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and the thing is some people are afraid to take the step of getting married because they hear about these rare incidences and they assume that this is gonna happen to them.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. And so just to remind you guys, this is not the norm. If you are single looking to get married, guys are not crazy, girls are not crazy. Nonetheless, these things do happen. Sometimes. Sometimes. And of course, there are always ways to prevent it by asking the right questions. But inshallah, we we want to dive a little deeper as to why this phenomenon is happening. So are people crazy? No. No, of course not. But the point is, as we were researching and preparing for this episode, the point is that these things are happening because of other underlying reasons.

SPEAKER_00:

So people don't actually flip people don't change personality overnight. What happens is they reveal something has always been there and it's been hidden either either intentionally or unintentionally.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And uh with the comfortability and the stability of marriage, the mask falls off. Again, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Yeah, and their true self shows.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, so I'll give you a quick example. Sometimes, and I know I'm gonna be harping a lot on the girls because I'm a guy.

SPEAKER_00:

Don't worry, I'll harp on the guys at all.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, fine, fair enough. Um I got your back, girls. Okay, so for example, girls can sometimes uh be raised in a very controlling, strict family. They're not allowed to go out as much, you know, strict curfews, things like that, and um they they become very suppressed. Yeah. I feel like I'm talking about pride and prejudice as well. And then all of a sudden they get a proposal, and then marriage is this escape. It's like this sudden burst of freedom. And uh they have these unrealistic expectations that sometimes come with marriage. Let's take an exaggerated expectation. They've always wanted a Mercedes Benz, and now all of a sudden they're getting married, and now the husband is expected to provide the Mercedes Benz.

SPEAKER_00:

No, actually, the girl the apparently the card that girls want is uh G Wagon.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, that's a Mercedes.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, yeah, that's a Mercedes-Benz?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, it's a Mercedes. Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know what's so special about it.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, the way it looks.

SPEAKER_00:

It's hideous.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, well, that's what girls want. Girls want yeah. Anyways, um, so going back to my point, the so that's just an example, right? Marriage becomes an escape for a girl who's been suppressed most of her life.

SPEAKER_00:

Or another example is the girl's been uh suppressed, forced to dress a certain way. Maybe she didn't want to wear the hijab and she was forced to. And after marriage, she just unleashes, stops wearing it, stops wearing it, maybe starts uh wearing very tight, revealing clothes and stuff, and uh the husband's not fine with that, of course.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, because the husband saw one side of her pre-marriage and then post-marriage is like, well, who is this? Right? This isn't the person I married.

SPEAKER_00:

On the other hand, some examples about guys who flip. For example, a guy could um sound very generous, uh, whether with his uh words, whether with his money, whether with his time, but then after marriage, he becomes very controlling. Another example a guy could uh look like he's so open-minded and so supportive, but then after marriage he becomes very strict and wants to control every aspect of uh his wife's life. These do happen.

SPEAKER_02:

So can we uh detect these things during the courting phase?

SPEAKER_00:

So there are no guarantees because you can like humans are not machines, they're not 100% predictable, right? But there are ways to minimize the risk. But we will get to that.

SPEAKER_02:

Generally speaking, there are I would say two categories of people. One is the one that I just mentioned. A girl grows up in a very strict conservative environment, uh, her desires, her needs, dreams, a lot of things are suppressed, and then all of a sudden marriage becomes this means to unleash and let go. Yeah. And then in another category, so we can call that first category the suppressed self. And another category is people who are intentional, right? They have They come with a plan. They come with a plan, sometimes manipulative, sometimes and and this is where I think the green card stories fall in, right? We always hear stories of people using marriage to get their green card, their PR card, and then all of a sudden they don't really stay true to the contract of the marriage.

SPEAKER_00:

So this is strategic flipping.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, strategic flipping.

SPEAKER_00:

Which is like much more serious. This is a pure deception.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and I remember running into that, not running into that, but hearing about this situation when I was first trying to get married. A girl, I think it was the girl's sister, um, that uh got divorced because the husband used her for a green card.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Yeah. And a lot of times, um, rightfully so, when girls like we try to introduce him to someone who just recently came to the country, they ask, Does he what is his uh legal status? Does he at least have a permanent residency? Yeah. Because of course you don't want to risk it.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah, that is a big question.

SPEAKER_00:

A few uh bad apples ruin it for everyone, unfortunately.

SPEAKER_02:

And sometimes we have to say no to some people that just come, that just came into the country. We get calls like that sometimes. Yeah, guys that just moved into the country two or three months ago and now they're looking for a wife. And we say, I'm sorry, like it's gonna be very hard, challenging, very difficult to match you because this is what these are what the expectations are. Yeah. So what else can we say about category two?

SPEAKER_00:

That uh this is haram. This is like a complete haram. This is deception, premeditated deception. Yeah, and uh the Prophet said, Whoever cheats is not uh from amongst us, it's not a Muslim.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and also to add to that, the Quran refers to marriage as Mitaqan Galida, which is a strong uh unbinding knot, right?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, unbinding covenant. Covenant. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, but it's the the metaphor is a knot that cannot be unbound, yeah, right? Yeah, and this and the same term is used uh when Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala refers to the uh agreement between himself and the prophets, right? Yeah, um that it's a covenant.

SPEAKER_00:

So in today's language, we can say this is someone entering a contract in a bad faith.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah. One thing that I would hear a lot of from extended family, and I feel like you've mentioned this before, it's which is this attitude towards marriage that or the the common phrase is marriage will fix him. Get this guy married and he'll become responsible. Yeah, he'll sober up, um, he'll become a man. Yeah. Right? I don't know if they say that so much about girls, but this usually gets pinned on guys.

SPEAKER_00:

I think it's I think so too, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

So how does that necessarily fit into the flipping subject?

SPEAKER_00:

Because whatever the guy is struggling with has always been there. But it's after marriage that with the comfortability of marriage that it just becomes like more visible.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. So if he was immature and irresponsible before marriage, it's not gonna change after marriage.

SPEAKER_00:

It's not gonna change. Maybe you didn't spot it, maybe he did a very good job hiding it, maybe his family did a good job hiding it as well. But if it's there, it will show up after marriage.

SPEAKER_02:

For sure, for sure.

SPEAKER_00:

There's also the sexual repression that we find in our uh Muslim community. Sexual education is frowned upon. Parents don't have this talk with their teenage children or whatever age is right to discuss the topic of sex and bodies and all of that. It builds up all this repression. So that sexual repression, if you add to it this idealistic image that some p people have in their minds about romance after marriage, that could very much result into disappointments or into people looking like look like they're flipping when in fact they were just had very unrealistic expectations about what intimacy looks like, what romance looks like, and you think they're suddenly changed, but they're not.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. And I feel like the running theme in all of these problems is just one word culture. Okay. Culture. I was gonna say apparently. Right, but parents but bigger than that, culture. When culture becomes the dominating force, especially when it comes to marriage, whether it's unrealistic expectations, meher, um the the drive to get girls married so young when they're not mature or independent, that it just creates so many problems.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, like if you as a parent really feel that your son or daughter are not ready for marriage at this point, you the your responsibility is to address that and not just like let them venture on this new chapter when they're not ready. One more thing when religion and religious language is used to hide immaturity. So, for example, the guy is always hiding behind leave it to Allah, uh Allah will provide half tawakul, half saber, uh don't you trust Allah, like this uh spiritual manipulation, using them to hide his immaturity, his lack of uh preparedness, uh his uh I don't know, lack of emotional availability. So it's it's important to distinguish and to read these signs, and we're gonna provide you with some tools to do that, inshallah.

SPEAKER_02:

If you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't know where to seek help, let us help you. We can be your personal matchmakers. Visit us at halalmatch.ca and book a free call with us.

SPEAKER_00:

So when it comes to spotting someone who might have this tendency to flip later, it's not as clear as like red flags to look out for, someone who uh has anger issues, for example, or someone who's dishonest. It's not as clear as that. They're more like subtle, subtle indicators or subtle predictors. So, what are some of those?

SPEAKER_02:

So, one thing that I was always mindful of when I was searching was this tendency for girls to always agree or just say yes to any question I would ask them. Do you wake up for Fudger? Do you fast? Are you okay with the arts? Do you go to the gym? And that brings me to another episode which we talked about, which is you know, don't ask yes or no questions.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, yeah, how to ask the right questions. How to ask questions. That was, by the way, that was a really, really good episode, like very practical. Yeah. So we're gonna do that.

SPEAKER_02:

Because yes or no questions, yeah, yes or no questions are just dead end uh conversations. So over-agreeableness during courting.

SPEAKER_00:

So no opinion of their own. Right. Uh maybe they tried to avoid uh conflicts.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. If she God, if she doesn't have an opinion of her own, that's like a huge red flag for me. Because I need somebody who can hold like a conversation, uh, uh demonstrate some level of intellect, disagree with me on some things, bring her points, like this is what a marriage should be. Yeah. You don't you're not just marrying a corpse.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, I I think some men would uh disagree with you. Some men, I feel all they want is someone who's agreeable, who's gonna be obedient, who's not gonna A baby factory. Okay, I wasn't I wasn't gonna say that, but someone who's not gonna challenge them, right? Right, right.

SPEAKER_02:

Someone who's sound like what other men sometimes are looking for.

SPEAKER_00:

Some, some, let's not generalize. But this this point actually leads to the next one, which is another indicator. Uh, someone who always avoids tough conversations.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

They don't want to talk about the difficult stuff. They try to hide it or say something like, Oh, don't worry, it'll be okay, uh, we'll figure that out later. So that's not a good sign. Because you want to have the tough conversations before the marriage, not after.

SPEAKER_02:

So if a person is doing that, that they're gonna suddenly show a different side of themselves after marriage?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, like I said, typically people are not machines, so you can't 100% predict uh their behaviors, but to me that would be a concern. Maybe it would make me stop and uh think a little bit deeper, ask more questions, investigate a little bit more. Uh like I'm not saying that if the person shows any of these signs, then you immediately immediately put an X on them and you conclude that they have bad intentions. But if you notice any of these signs, then it's a reason for you to stop and think again.

SPEAKER_02:

For sure, for sure. Um sorry. Well, somebody who's always blaming their parents for problems, for past circumstances, for any sort of conflict in their life and not taking responsibility.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, because you know what this shows? This shows if they're blaming their parents so much, this shows that they are suppressed, they have some trauma, and uh maybe marriage will be their escape.

SPEAKER_02:

So in that situation, it kind of seems fair for them to put blame where blame is deserved, though.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah. But then you don't want to be in a situation where because of the suppression they faced, they're using marriage to just become unheeded, unhinged and escape all their trouble.

SPEAKER_02:

That makes sense.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So we talked about like why some women flip because of like suppression, but sometimes it's because they never experienced uh autonomy, they never experienced any type of independence. Maybe they never lived on their own. And we're not saying that if you never lived on your own, then you're not ready for marriage and you can't get married, not at all. But it's a combination of factors. They never lived on their own, they never had any financial independency, they were never taken seriously as an adult, their opinions were never uh taken into account. So they come to marriage not with any bad intention, but they come with uh the survival mode. They're still figuring out themselves, they come with certain expectations, and then after marriage becomes comfortable and they discover themselves as women, as independent women, it looks like they flip, but they're not flipping, they're just discovering, becoming themselves.

SPEAKER_02:

Interesting.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, this is why a lot of the work needs to be done before marriage. Like this is why we always say your single days are your golden days in terms of self-work, self-improvement, doing the work that needs to be done.

SPEAKER_02:

Right, because compatibility doesn't start with the other person, it starts with yourself.

SPEAKER_00:

Absolutely, yeah. And on the other hand, men, some men who look like they flip, they're not flipping, but they were never brought up to actually understand what responsibility is. They were performing responsibility, but they never actually internalized what responsibility looks like. So after marriage, they are faced with this new reality. You have to support a family, maybe now you have kids, and uh it shows up in different ways. They become either too busy at work or they uh become silent, they withdraw, they just become overwhelmed with this new life. And to the woman, it looks like the man flipped. But to him, it's like uh it's completely different. The expectations are completely different. I did not expect this. I did not know that marriage comes with this kind of responsibility.

SPEAKER_02:

Premarital training. That's all I can say. Absolutely. I think we can save so much like if we were to just summarize this entire topic, it's just premarital training. Just take a premarital training course. Times have changed so much. It just within the past six years. I mean, we just had our anniversary the other day, and premarital, I mean, we talked about premarital training, I think, in previous episodes, but really you can assess so much whether the guy or girl is gonna be a flipper, whether the guy's got red flags, whether he's like pre if it's a good premarital training course, granted, you will cover all of these things.

SPEAKER_00:

So I would say what's even better than premarital training, which is like a class you attend, is uh couples counseling for people who are still in the courting phase.

SPEAKER_02:

Pre-marriage couples counseling. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, because the therapist will help you learn about yourself and learn about the other person.

SPEAKER_02:

I believe Sister Hina Mirza does that. Absolutely, yeah. Yeah, she mentioned that in one of the episodes we interviewed her in.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, she has a compatibility therapy or something. Or a compatibility counseling counseling sessions.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. So yeah, basically, just like you said, two people that are looking to get married, she goes through the steps to assess whether or not you guys are compatible and um and helps you along.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

So as a reminder, guys and girls, if somebody is just telling you to pray Sakhar and have trust, or if they're telling you have Husnadun, which means give them the benefit of the doubt, that is not practical advice. And I would not recommend you guys move forward based on that advice.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, exactly. So these things are important, uh, Hosnid Dun and Istikhara and trust and all of that, but that's after you've done your due diligence.

SPEAKER_02:

But if someone's telling you just do that without doing your due diligence, then that's distributed, honestly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So let's talk practical now, okay? What are some actual tools one can take to minimize the risk?

SPEAKER_02:

Watch their behavior under stress, not romance. So an example. That I can think of is I remember Sheikh Navid gave this example once. You take him to a very busy restaurant. Right? Now, granted, your parents are aware there's no khalo happening, all of those precautions are taken. And you know the place is busy, you know there's gonna be a wait time, you know it's gonna be a stressful environment. Maybe slow service, maybe slow service, and maybe the service is really crappy service. And just observe how he responds.

SPEAKER_00:

Whatever stressful situation we're talking about, it can reveal a lot. Yeah. But during like when you're being romantic, whether now we're not talking about the halal and haram aspect. Like when you're having a nice good conversation, then it's it's easy to show you the their good side. Yeah. So watch out for those stressful situations. Or maybe there's traffic, there's um, I don't know, an accident on the way or yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Not to say that person is being fake, because naturally when you're in those situations, you're putting on your best face. Of course. You're gonna wear your best hat and intentionally you're gonna do that. Right. And you're gonna be the best version you can possibly be of yourself. Another thing to pay attention to is um how they talk about former commitments. So let me think of an example. Paying back a loan.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh.

SPEAKER_02:

Right? Yeah. How they've talked about that, how seriously they've taken that. Uh following up on, I don't know, if they run a service-based business, following up on clients, keeping up their promises, following up on um obligations to family, friends, all of those things. Like how do they talk about that? Do they take it seriously?

SPEAKER_00:

And if they don't bring up these topics, you find ways to ask these questions without, of course, making it interrogative, uh with a sense of interrogation or anything. But again, if you go back to our episode, How to Ask the Right Questions, it's one of our first episodes. It will get you give you great insight and great tools on how to ask questions in a way that will get you real answers, not fake answers. Another good one to pay attention to is noticing how they respond when they're told no. Do they become bitter? Do they become aggressive? Do they become defend defensive? Or do they find a way to cope with it?

SPEAKER_02:

Right. So is there room for disagreement? Is there room for you to agree to disagree and still move on?

SPEAKER_00:

It doesn't have the no doesn't necessarily have to come from you, but they faced a situation at uh in their job, or they faced a situation with their family or with a friend, and they were told no. How do they handle that? Okay. Yeah. Because during your marriage, you're gonna tell them no, they're gonna tell you no. Like you're not gonna agree on everything.

SPEAKER_01:

Right, right, right.

SPEAKER_00:

So it's it's good to get a sense of that before actually tying the knot.

SPEAKER_02:

I agree.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Remember, compatibility doesn't prevent the flipping, but character transparency does. So we're not just trying to assess compatibility, we're trying to have them be as transparent as they are, and us as well, be as transparent as we are about our personality and who we really are.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, that's a good point you made. Character transparency does. Um, but I'd have to agree and disagree. So sometimes, regardless of all the due diligence you do, regardless of all the you know, the questions you ask and the extensive courting you've done, and you've taken the premarital training and you've done XYZ and you've prayed a stighara, sometimes a person flips it anyways. Yeah, it happens. Yeah, that's life. So, what do we do in those situations?

SPEAKER_00:

First of all, don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. There's nothing to feel ashamed about. Sometimes it's just qadr. You like you said, you've done your due diligence. Uh no need to feel like you're you're stupid, you've been fooled, and you missed something, something that was clear, you just missed it. You shouldn't give husnad to people. No. Some things are just not meant to be. That's important.

SPEAKER_02:

I mean, there's those questions are always going to be lurking in the back of your mind. Like, what if I paid attention to this? What if I asked this question?

SPEAKER_00:

Don't start that what if? The Prophet said, Shaitan. Saying if will open the doors for shaitan because then you start doubting yourself, you start doubting Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. So whatever happened. Now we're talking about things to do before marriage, before the flipping happens, or things to do to prevent the flipping from happening. But if if like the thing already happened, then you just do ihtisab. You just leave it to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Hope to get rewarded from Him for this test and trial you just went through.

SPEAKER_02:

And also to add to that, we're not saying you just endure that you know, if the person is flipped and God forbid, you know, you're suddenly in an abusive situation. We're not saying you you endure and you just have sabr.

SPEAKER_00:

Have saber.

SPEAKER_02:

That's not what we're saying. What we're saying is pay attention to your circumstances, everybody's circumstances are unique, and uh Allah allows for divorce if the circumstances require that. So consult and make a decision that's best for you.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, a lot of times we hear people say marriage changed him, but marriage doesn't change people, marriage just revealed what was there, and they were holding together with so much effort. So, like you said, if you do your due diligence, take all the necessary steps, and then do tawakqul, leave it to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, then Allah will never leave you. After you're done listening to this episode, go straight to the description and you will find there a PDF file which we put together with some tools to help you avoid this situation. If you're single, you're talking to someone, things you can actually take uh as precautions, inshallah.

SPEAKER_02:

So practical things, things you can implement um as you're navigating this journey.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So inshallah, we hope you benefited from this episode.

SPEAKER_02:

And I guess as always, leave a comment, let us know what you thought, if anything resonated with you, and until next time.