Diary of a Matchmaker

Marriage Then vs Now: Who Had It Better?

• Halal Match • Episode 91

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Were our parents actually happier in marriage or were they just better at enduring? And more importantly… what are we supposed to do with that information?

In this episode, we push back on nostalgia, challenge modern assumptions, and wrestle with what really worked for previous generations and what quietly broke people. This isn’t a history lesson, it’s about pulling out practical takeaways for single Muslims today: what to keep, what to unlearn, and what not to repeat just because it’s familiar.

If you’ve ever felt stuck between “our parents stayed no matter what” and “our generation gives up too fast,” this conversation gives you tools to think differently about marriage, expectations, and long-term commitment.

As usual, we put together a PDF sheet to go with this episode. It’s practical, a little different, and meant to help you walk away with real clarity about expectations. Click here to download.

If something we said made you think, laugh, or feel seen, leave us a rating and review! It helps more people find the show. And hey, if you know someone who needs to hear this episode, send it their way. Sharing is caring!


SPEAKER_03:

Assalamu alaikum. I'm Hiba.

SPEAKER_00:

And I'm Zayd.

SPEAKER_03:

You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

SPEAKER_00:

A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

SPEAKER_03:

We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

SPEAKER_00:

So let's dive in. Bismillah. Asalaamu alaikum, everyone. Welcome back to another episode.

SPEAKER_03:

Assalamu alaikum.

SPEAKER_00:

I think the one thing that we haven't talked much about when it comes to marriage is the examples of our parents and our grandparents. Like we all know with age comes wisdom. Well, I guess sometimes it doesn't, but generally speaking, it does. And gray hair. And gray hair. And wrinkles. And stress.

SPEAKER_03:

No, actually, today's generation, by the way, is the generation with most stress and anxiety levels in all of history.

SPEAKER_00:

I wonder why. Yeah. We could dedicate an episode to that, actually.

SPEAKER_03:

I just heard the other day about these like retirement what are they called? Like retreat, not retreats, retirement centers for people in their twenties.

SPEAKER_00:

Retirement centers. What does it serve?

SPEAKER_03:

They just decide to retire from stress and work and whatever in their twenties. One was in uh China and one is in Malaysia, Malaysia or Singapore.

SPEAKER_00:

Do they have the money to retire at that age?

SPEAKER_03:

I don't know. How? I don't know. Maybe these are like people who made it early and I don't know, gamers and whatever, but they are filled with stress.

SPEAKER_00:

Wow, that's that's something to take from that. Was our were our parents or parents' parents as stressed or I don't know. How different was it back then?

SPEAKER_03:

Either they were stressed just like us, but they managed to hide it well.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay.

SPEAKER_03:

Or they actually weren't stressed like we are. They were just living simpler times, simpler lives.

SPEAKER_00:

That's a good question. So it kind of ties into what we want to talk about today, which is was the previous generation happier? Specifically in the context of marriage. Of course. Right? And uh when we think back about our parents and our parents' parents, um, I feel like a lot of people, at least I can't think of many relationships from that generation, other generation above them, that were very happy, fulfilling, nurturing type of relationships. Like the kind of relationships that I would model want to model myself after. Can you can you think of any?

SPEAKER_03:

From all the people I know, whether it's uh like my parents, my parents' friends, aunties, uncles, all those generations, I can think of one couple.

SPEAKER_00:

Tell me, tell me about that couple.

SPEAKER_03:

Uh well, you've actually met them when we were in Palestine.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

You've met the woman. She was a very pious person. She tested you on your Quran.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, yeah, the one who's very strict about the Hanafimadha.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, you could say that. Yeah. She's my mom's friend, she's a fam dear family friend. And uh from what I know, from what I see and from what everybody sees, they have the a good marriage, a healthy, loving marriage. Their life was filled with challenges, life struggles, but they are so peaceful and loving to each other.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. And so when we talk about happy, fulfilling marriages, we're not talking about marriages that are free of conflict and and disagreements and arguments. I mean the Prophet had those. Exactly. Right? So that it's not about that, but it's about a marriage where you're just not tolerating the other person. Where you're just trying to get through the day, get by through your life until you die.

SPEAKER_03:

Maybe you are tolerating them, but you're not happy, you're not fulfilled, you're not I don't know, how would you put a happy marriage in words? It's not a healthy marriage.

SPEAKER_00:

So let's talk let's try to frame marriages back then. What were marriages designed for?

SPEAKER_03:

That's a very good point because we're comparing two things, their marriages and our marriage marriages. Right. Times have changed drastically. But are they the same are we comparing two similar things like two things on the same level or what?

SPEAKER_00:

I think marriages today there is more an element of fulfillment and happiness, individualism. Individualism, which um obviously from any perspective, individualism is a bad thing. Yeah. Um, but yeah, definitely back then marriage was more about survival, it was more about um stability, uh following social norms. I remember something you always say about your dad when when you were sharing the fact that you were not interested in having children with your dad, your dad was like he was so shocked and just didn't understand.

SPEAKER_03:

It's like I'm presenting this foreign idea to him.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, like because I feel like he comes from a generation where like marriage equals children, right? The purpose, right? So that's another purpose.

SPEAKER_03:

You get married to have children. To have children, yeah, exactly. If you're not gonna have children, why get married?

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly. So to add that to the list, um stability, so following social norms, children, all of those things. That's kind of what family ties, maintaining family ties, yes. Um, but nowadays it's more about fulfillment, happiness, self-actualization. Self-actualization, like big word. Big word, big word.

SPEAKER_03:

I mean like I need to fulfill myself, I need to contribute somehow, I need to be like the the best version of myself.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. And marriage has to fulfill that purpose.

SPEAKER_03:

Marriage. So now we put way too much weight on marriage and on the spouse.

SPEAKER_00:

They have to be our financial coach, our therapist, our fitness coach, our we'll get to that. We'll get to that. So that's a big difference. So is it it is unfair for us to back project marriage today with marriage back then? It was different, it served a different purpose, and it serves a different purpose today. Yeah. But nonetheless, we can take some lessons from that generation. There are definitely things that they got right and definitely things that they got wrong. And same applies to us. Definitely some things were getting right and some things were getting wrong. Yeah. So, inshallah, we'll dive into that.

SPEAKER_03:

Let's go.

SPEAKER_00:

So, what did the previous generation get right? I think by default, um, they were just kind of by by luck brought into that that time and that environment. Less choices. Of course. Right? They didn't have to go into the grocery store and choose between a hundred different toothpaste that had maybe five, if that.

SPEAKER_03:

No, even five sounds like too much.

SPEAKER_00:

Right? And now what do we find at Walmart? A hundred different brands, and it takes us 15 minutes to go grab some toothpaste.

SPEAKER_03:

But uh yeah, so it's the same applies when it comes to marriage. They didn't have like you had to a choice between your two cousins or the neighbor's daughter. Right. That's it.

SPEAKER_00:

I think we dedicated an episode to that was the illusion of options. Yes. Right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we did that. So yeah, fewer choices is one point. Um, what else did they get right?

SPEAKER_03:

So because they had fewer choices, it was easier to commit, was easier and faster to get married.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

And they didn't have a lot to compare with. They didn't have the social media we have.

SPEAKER_00:

They didn't have Tinder or Minder or Musmach, right? Exactly. They're swiping through a hundred before they find the right person, right? And that's and that's the kind of the the irony that we're living in today, right? The we have an abundance of options, at least we think we do, and yet we're still fa facing a singlehood crisis.

SPEAKER_03:

You know, if you remember when we watched that show uh about minimalism, yeah. They were talking about the dilemma of choice. Like when you have three shirts in your closet, in your wardrobe, like it's not difficult to choose from them every day. But when you have 15 different shirts, you add that extra pressure and extra effort you have to put every single day to decide which shirt. Same thing you have to match it with one of 15 uh pairs of pants.

SPEAKER_00:

Not to mention the wastage of mental energy and time. Exactly. All of that.

SPEAKER_03:

So same applies here, I guess. But what they also had clear roles. It was clear for to them what were the man's role, what was the woman's role, even if sometimes it was unfair. Yeah. But that led to way less ambiguity. They didn't have this what you bring to the table, what I bring to the table, how will you contribute, and how will I contribute? It was all 50-50 discussion. 50-50, no, how will you balance life, were life and uh and home duties, um, sorry, work and home duties. Right. There wasn't any of that. Even like I said, sometimes it came on the expense of fairness.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And when they were if they assessed compatibility, there was no love language quiz. That's another thing. There was no Gottman Institute courts that they would go through.

SPEAKER_03:

There's no attachment styles, pre-merital training courts.

SPEAKER_00:

Like, I'm not bashing these things. These are great things to consider and go through. But also there is also something else which we'll get into in just a little bit, called analysis paralysis, right? Like people analyze so much that they get to a point where they just don't know how to move forward.

SPEAKER_03:

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00:

So simplicity does play a big part, right? We are overcomplicating marriages today. Another thing that the I really feel the older generation tackled well was this village concept that there was a good community system behind marriage. People were always always well connected and looking out for one another, suggesting spouses to one another. And we've lost that here.

SPEAKER_03:

There was uh like a heavy family involvement, and this has its good thing, good side and bad side. Yes. But marriages were were held by a system, not by emotions.

SPEAKER_00:

Or there was no individualism behind it. There was no individualism and also It wasn't like everybody looking out for each other or for themselves.

SPEAKER_03:

Uh exactly. Like now it's easier to act out of desire, out of a whim, uh out of um, like you said, uh individualism. But back then, like you had to think a hundred times before thinking about separation. Because it's not just you and the person separating, it's like two families separating. It's a village that's just coming apart.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, so apparently the previous generation got a lot of things right and that we didn't. The question is, if they got it right, why are we carrying so much trauma and so much negativity from those experiences, from our parents' marriages and and and our aunties and uncles' marriages?

SPEAKER_00:

Because we grew up, or at least I grew up, seeing the bad things. Obviously, we didn't see our parents get married. We saw our parents after they got married. We saw them fight. We saw our parents fight, we saw, I mean, I'm not gonna go into those details, but we saw many things that we shouldn't have seen. And um and so clearly there were some things they got wrong. And we'll we'll dive into that in just a moment. But just to make it clear, we're not painting a rosy picture, right? We're not saying that any generation got the perfect formula for marriage, because there is no perfect formula for marriage.

SPEAKER_03:

So I guess what we need to do is identify what they got right, what we got right, and try to fuse it and create something better.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. And also take lessons from what they got wrong and what we got wrong. Exactly. And so that we're not repeating the same mistakes. Exactly. Exactly.

SPEAKER_03:

You know, I would have loved to have this episode with a person from that generation.

SPEAKER_00:

Let's get your mom on the podcast.

SPEAKER_03:

No, seriously, like an elder, elderly person, an auntie, or someone just to hear from their perspective because we're judging them based on our perspective.

SPEAKER_00:

Maybe we can get my aunt on the podcast.

SPEAKER_03:

Do you guys want to hear an auntie on the podcast or hear about their marriages? Let us know. Yeah. Maybe we can make that happen.

SPEAKER_00:

So even though the older generation did get things right, they did get some things wrong too.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Right? Their marriages did come at a cost. What was that cost?

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, where should we start? I mean, we just started the episode by saying that we can't even think of a single happy couple. I was able to think of one. Can you think of a happy couple?

SPEAKER_00:

Um previous generations. Oh god. I have to do some major mental gymnastics with this one.

SPEAKER_03:

Just the fact that you can't think of uh the top of your head, it says a lot.

SPEAKER_00:

So the price was resentment as a parent towards your spouse.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, yeah, resentment was definitely part of the equation.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. And and the who paid the price for it? Kids.

SPEAKER_03:

Kids, yeah. Like I can I can think of many, many, many examples. I'm not gonna mention which couples, but they were like, you can hear it in their tone, always cynical about each other, towards each other, always uh critici uh critical. Uh like each one was trying to prove the other wrong. Each one was trying to put the blame on the other. So it was always like like we're in a battle and you're trying to win more points. But this is not a marriage, this is like a courtroom. Seriously. Just thinking about the couples from our parents and grandparents' generation, like I don't think when I think about them, I don't think the word love doesn't come to mind.

SPEAKER_00:

That's a good question. How many times have we heard from the older generation or the generation about them the like terms of endearment?

SPEAKER_03:

Like there was no affection, no it was more like roles, it was more like fulfilling roles. Like Okay, you buy the groceries, I do the cooking, uh the long time. Exactly. Yeah, we have to go to this like uh event, this engagement. Maybe that's what we witnessed, me and you. Maybe the listeners, I hope the listeners had different experiences growing up, but yeah, it definitely came on the expense of affection and love, and like you said, there was resentment.

SPEAKER_00:

No, I it the it came at the expense of children as well. Right.

SPEAKER_03:

Like I think about the women back then. They stayed in these marriages for many, many years, right? But uh did they stay out of choice or because of lack of choice?

SPEAKER_00:

That's a good question.

SPEAKER_03:

Like separation and divorce was frowned upon. It's like you brought shame to the family, even though subhanAllah it is halal, it is an available option to us. I feel like it's encouraged nowadays, not even just allowed, but they've gone a step further in uh exact especially like women like influencers, women, influencer women who get divorced, I feel a lot of times they just like come out with this like resentment and all of that, and they want other women to get divorced. I don't know. They're like push for that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get what you're saying.

SPEAKER_03:

But uh, but yeah, like women stayed in these marriages for a long time and they endured, and their endurance was praised, actually. It's like, yeah, she's such a pious woman, despite what she's going through with her husband, she stayed with him for the sake of the children, and but was that a healthy marriage? Like, was that a healthy model for the kids to grow up witnessing?

SPEAKER_01:

Not at all.

SPEAKER_03:

Not at all, not at all, yeah. Like I can think of one couple right now, like in the extended family, where since the beginning of the marriage, it was a miserable marriage. The woman was suffering in the marriage, the kids were suffering because of this like poor choice that the parents did, but they never separated, they never got divorced, nothing. And uh kept this way until the husband passed away a few years ago. And now the family is able to breathe.

SPEAKER_00:

Wow.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes. Another example, I tell you, from the extended family, where this couple, like, I can't remember seeing them in agreement with each other, and it's usually in public. They would just like bash each other in public and still together.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't understand why. I feel like people really like culture dominate their lives so much that they just forget what their religion allows them to do.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. Culture came at a higher place than religion. Now at least we have more accessibility to proper Islamic knowledge. Know your rights, know your responsibilities, you have choice. Yeah, this actually takes us to the next uh section.

SPEAKER_00:

Divorce.

SPEAKER_03:

Divorce.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So divorce is something that gets thrown around so much. Like I said, it almost feels like people are encouraging one another to get divorced. And that ties into money. And like I I know somebody who's already spent upwards of$80,000 on her divorce, and it's been pending for I think two years. Wow. And not to say all divorces are expensive, there are some on the cheaper end, but there is so much money to be made with divorce, it almost feels like there's an incentive.

SPEAKER_03:

The only person getting rich of divorce are divorce lawyers. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And so we're not bashing divorces, and but we also have to frame divorce in the right way at the same time. Because we can't just assume that higher divorce rates means that people don't have the strength and patience to get through a marriage. At the same time, lower divorce rates doesn't mean people are living healthier, fulfilling, um enjoyable marriages.

SPEAKER_03:

Absolutely not. No.

SPEAKER_00:

So how do we frame divorce the right way then?

SPEAKER_03:

It's an option, it's a halal choice, halal option. And by the way, there's a saying that people think it's a hadith, but it's not a hadith, which is a talak abadul halal illallah. Like the divorce is uh a halal that Allah hates, or is the most hated halal to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

SPEAKER_00:

I think I've heard that.

SPEAKER_03:

That's absolutely not a hadith. How can it be halal and Allah hates it? It's not a hadith. Yeah. Right. It's a choice saved for certain situations. Yeah. Yeah. But what what changed from back then?

SPEAKER_00:

So of course women uh have more employment options. They have independence, independence, there's financial independence as well. Especially especially now, like within the past 10-15 years, post-Me Too, people are more vocal about women's rights and female independence and things like that. That's great. Yeah, yeah. That's great. Obviously, back then people weren't throwing around the term gaslighting, and now we have a term for it.

SPEAKER_03:

Abuse today has names. In the past, it was there, but it didn't have a name. It was just part of life, part of marriage. You have to tolerate it. Yeah. Now, no, you're abused, you get out of the marriage. You don't have to tolerate it. And like we said, today we have way more options. So you get divorced, you get remarried. It's not a problem. Back then it was a shameful thing. I'm not saying it's easy, it is way difficult for divorcees.

SPEAKER_00:

Even today, because unfortunately there's a lot of shame associated with it.

SPEAKER_03:

But compared to the previous generation, it's very different.

SPEAKER_00:

If you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't know where to seek help, let us help you. We can be your personal matchmakers. Visit us at halalmatch.ca and book a free call with us. So our generation did get many things right.

SPEAKER_03:

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00:

Didn't it?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I mean, look at what we have available to us today that the other generation didn't. The list goes on and on and on. Therapists. Therapists, uh, like there's therapists providing free content all the time, pr they are doing free consults, and not to mention uh therap but Muslim therapists.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, Muslim therapists.

SPEAKER_00:

Muslim therapist ones that we've interviewed, they're great resources.

SPEAKER_03:

Choice. We have choice.

SPEAKER_00:

Elaborate.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, we have the option uh of choosing between more than one person. It's not just because he's my cousin, I'm gonna marry him. No, I have a say, I have a choice.

SPEAKER_00:

So marriages aren't as strongly pushed, I'm not gonna say forced, but like in the previous generation, you're saying they were strongly pushed to get married to a certain person. And that's it. And it's not as much now.

SPEAKER_03:

And in some cases, they were forced. We can't like dance around it, sugarcoat it. They were forced sometimes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, but I think the examples, like our immediate examples, I can't think we need that were forced.

SPEAKER_03:

No, no. But yeah, we have options. Um we have independence. Uh especially I'm talking about women. We have independence. We have consent. We can say no, like I said.

SPEAKER_00:

I mean they had consent before, but it just wasn't exercised as much. I guess you could say that. Right. We can't say I consent was completely absent.

SPEAKER_03:

No. We have access to Islamic knowledge beyond culture.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay.

SPEAKER_03:

We know our rights.

SPEAKER_00:

That's why it's so important we take premarital training.

SPEAKER_03:

Yep.

SPEAKER_00:

But what we don't have at the same time is, at least from what I can see in the media community, is a lack of support system. Yes. Right? That there is a hyper sense of individualism overtaking not just the immediate community, but I would say masjids, larger organizations, everybody wants to do it their way. I mean, w we've talked about this on previous episodes. How many MSAs and masjids have we reached out to to help them for free, by the way, completely for free, to do premarital workshops, to just really talk about the epidemic of singlehood, and maybe a handful got back to us. And even those handful didn't really follow up on a conversation. Yeah. Right? Like we were offering support and they just weren't willing to collaborate. So when coming back to the point of individualism, yes, everybody wants to do it their way. When you're reaching out for help, it doesn't seem like people are going out of their way to help them find a match. And even when people are masjids are helping out, it's just done in a very poorly way.

SPEAKER_03:

Poor way. Poor way, very poor way.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So that's something that I really do feel the older generation got that support system. It took a village and they understood that concept.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. What also hurts us these days is that we put too much pressure and too much expectations on marriage. We expect our spouse to heal our wounds, bring us close to Allah, to be our therapist, our fitness coach, our coin ads coach, everything to fulfill everything we lack in.

SPEAKER_00:

I mean we see it on the registration forms all the time. Yes. Like realistic expectations in a spouse. It's usually a half a page long. And then the other side, religious expectations is another half page long. And it's usually just there's these very flowery terms, emotional intelligence and um this and that.

SPEAKER_03:

It's like you know your spouse doesn't have to fulfill all of this. You could find some of these in other people, in a friend, in a sibling. Your your spouse doesn't have to be all of that. So that's what that's why it's getting harder to get married or stay married. Because we enter marriage with these expectations, and when they're not met, we're like, no, this is this was a bad choice, I'm leaving.

SPEAKER_00:

But you know what we should do as an experiment? What? Just do the registration form as if we're single. Now like at this stage in our life.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, that's interesting.

SPEAKER_00:

Right? And what I'm trying to imagine what I would put in those sections.

SPEAKER_03:

I don't know. Okay, you know what? Let's do it. Alright, we'll do it. We'll do it.

SPEAKER_00:

And then maybe we'll share the results on an episode, maybe. Sure. Okay. Sounds good. Um but yeah, like you said, we place too many unrealistic expectations on our spouse. So it hurts us more than it helps us for sure.

SPEAKER_03:

And another thing you mentioned before is that we overanalyze everything. We could have a proposal or a prospect, and we overanalyze the hell out of them.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, you're talking about analysis paralysis? Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes. And we do that so much that we just stay put. We don't enter, we're just we're not we're not moving forward.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, we were just joking about this before we start recording. So what is this person's attachment style? What is their categorization of their personality? Are they an INTJ or IFTC?

SPEAKER_03:

If they're not this type, if they don't have this attachment style, if they don't have this language, this love language, then they're not a good like these things, these tools are great. We're not against these tools. We use them when we try to assess compatibility. Right. But we don't heavily rely on them.

SPEAKER_00:

The best way but it's not a determining factor, right? It's kind of a a nudge, right, for lack of a better term. Like kind of like more of an inclination that okay, there is another level of compatibility that I should consider. Yeah. But no, it's not an end-all-be-all determining factor at all.

SPEAKER_03:

And you know, also what our generation has, unfortunately, lack of tolerance. We don't have patience anymore. I mean, just the other day I I read this um study. It's about this generation, not us, the millennials, but the uh what are they called? Gen Z and Gen Alpha. They don't have patience to watch a 30-second clip on uh TikTok, they have to play it a double speed.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, that's why the movie industry is struggling, right?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, so we don't have patience for to cook a meal, we don't have patience to watch a video or to uh watch a lecture or something, let alone how are we gonna have patience to delayed gratification is kind of completely out of the picture.

SPEAKER_00:

Out of the picture.

SPEAKER_03:

So, how are we gonna have patience to grow with this person and just like work on their relationship and try to understand each other and all of that? Like it takes time, it takes effort.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, that reminds me we really have to be diligent about not introducing devices to our kids. Yeah. Right? Yes, yes, yes, yeah. Because the moment you introduce that and the swiping happens, the the the dopamine starts to kick in and the instant fix mentality, yeah, it all has a ripple effect.

SPEAKER_03:

So we need to start training ourselves actually to use our devices way less.

SPEAKER_00:

That's true, that's true. We have to be those models.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So the big question is what is the solution? And the solution, obviously, like I've always said in almost every episode, is rooted in Islam. It's about understanding marriage through an Islamic lens. I clearly recall saying this in almost every workshop we've done. Islam does not give you a daily prescription of how to lead a fulfilling, happy marriage. It doesn't say wake up and do this, do this at 12 p.m., do this at 6 p.m. Um with your wife, and you will be happy. That's not how Islam works.

SPEAKER_03:

That would have been great to just have like a set ready formula.

SPEAKER_00:

Then it wouldn't work for every person on the planet. I know, I'm just joking. Obviously, yes. Um, but what Islam says is that it provides a framework, all right? And within that framework is, for example, as the Quran says in Surah Mawaddat, right? You know, the framework includes rights and responsibilities, um, it's about growing with your spouse. But what it doesn't promise is like I said, that conflicts won't happen, that uh you'll be happy every second of every moment of every day, right? I mean, if the Prophet had marital conflict, who does say who is to say that we won't? Yeah. Right?

SPEAKER_03:

Marriage is part of life, and just like any other part of life, just like your work, you'll have happy days, you'll have not so much happy days, you'll have days where you want to run away, but you don't. And you have times where you feel so loving and like your spouse is your best friend. So it has ups and downs. We have to make peace with that, and not just at the first conflict or the first disagreement, run away.

SPEAKER_00:

No, of course, of course not. Think of it this way, guys. The best way to understand marriage is that marriage is a form of satina and it is not your source of dopamine.

SPEAKER_03:

Exactly. You're not gonna be hit with this like excitement 24-7 and this like rush and the chemistry, and it's not it's not a source for dopamine. If you enter a marriage with this expectation, then just know that you're gonna be disappointed. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So you shared a lot of examples and stories of people that were in miserable marriages for a very, very long time. And obviously they stayed in those marriages for whatever reason. I don't know, it could have been for the children, could have been because of lack of options, financial stability, whatever it is. And obviously things have changed since that generation, and now now people have options, or there is the illusion of options, but more options than before, right? Because now there's employment opportunities and and support systems for women. So do you feel that women should stay in kind of emotionally dead marriages for longevity? I mean, ultimately what I'm asking is that is it better to be with somebody that is not making you emotionally satisfied, or is it better to be alone?

SPEAKER_03:

Oh wow, that's very deep.

SPEAKER_00:

Because the chances there is a good chance that you might not find someone else.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. I kind of feel uncomfortable answering this question because I'm not in anyone's situation, I'm not in anyone's shoes to decide. So it would be unfair for me to say no, you shouldn't stay, or no, you should stay. Each circumstance is different, but I can answer for my own self. I'm not giving advice to anyone for my own self. If I was in a miserable marriage, if I was emotionally deprived, if I was in a marriage where I feel that I feel the happiest when my spouse leaves home and I feel depressed when he comes back. If I was in that situation, then I would personally leave.

SPEAKER_00:

Wow, God forbid.

SPEAKER_03:

God forbid, God forbid, God forbid. Not to mention, like, God forbid, if there was any emotion um emotional or physical abuse. I'm not talking even about abuse. That's a separate discussion. That's a separate discussion. But if I was in a miserable marriage, then I think for me at least, being alone would be better.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah. I don't know how I would feel. I think I'm with you on that. Like why be with someone that's just sucking your energy when you can not be with that person. Right? Like Islamically, you don't have to be with that person.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, but like you said, you run the risk of being alone for the rest of your life. But maybe it's better. Maybe it's healthier.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, and that frees you up, right? Because now you don't have the commitment to the other person and you can find fulfillment through other avenues.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, and maybe that's just being uh too optimistic. Maybe life will get harder. Maybe it's true that the spouse doesn't offer the emotional fulfillment I need, but maybe he offers financial stability, he offers uh protection where I don't have to go and fend for myself in the society. So that's why every situation is different.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, couldn't agree with you more there.

SPEAKER_03:

So before we leave you guys, just like we've been doing for the past few episodes, and I hope you've been downloading them, check out the PDF file for this episode, the checklist for this PDF. I'm not gonna share details about it. Go and find it yourself because it's really interesting. And let us know your thoughts on the episode.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, anything resonate with you guys? Can did you guys feel I don't know, did your parents or grandparents have happy, fulfilling marriages? Um, can you guys share a marriage from that generation?

SPEAKER_03:

I'd really love just a glimpse of hope. Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

Please. Um, because we kind of painted a gloomy dark picture.

SPEAKER_03:

That's based on our experience.

SPEAKER_00:

Based on our experiences. But yeah, like you said, we'd love to hear something nice, something rosy and and beautiful.

SPEAKER_03:

Uplifting, inshallah.

SPEAKER_00:

All right, until next time.