Diary of a Matchmaker
Getting married is tough for the vast majority of Muslims in the West. We know because we’ve been there. My (Zaid) journey spanned nearly nine years. It was filled with rejections and self-doubt. While I (Hiba) didn't know there was a journey to be on in the first place. After we got married we decided to create something different to help single Muslims complete their deen. And so our matchmaking service Halal Match was born.
After a few years of interviewing singles, a friend suggested we journal our stories. We tweaked that idea and turned it into a podcast. In ‘Diary of a Matchmaker’ we’ll take you through this unfamiliar world of matchmaking. We’ll share our stories, experiences, and much more. So say Bismillah and tune in.
Do you have a story to share? Email us at: info@halalmatch.ca
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Diary of a Matchmaker
Can You Put That in a Nikah Contract?
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Episode two of our nikah contract series is about the part of marriage Muslims suddenly get weirdly uncomfortable about: conditions.
Because the same people who will spend six months arguing over a wedding venue will act shocked when someone says, “I want that written into the contract.”
Can a woman put a no polygamy condition in her nikah? Can a husband ask for access to passwords? Can someone demand separate housing, block in laws, or insist on a career after marriage? And why do some Muslims treat these conversations like a lack of trust… until the marriage falls apart over the exact thing nobody wanted to discuss?
This episode gets into the conditions modern Muslims are quietly negotiating behind closed doors and what those conditions actually reveal about fear, control, expectations, and compatibility.
If something we said made you think, laugh, or feel seen, leave us a rating and review! It helps more people find the show. And hey, if you know someone who needs to hear this episode, send it their way. Sharing is caring!
Welcome And A Tiny Guest
SPEAKER_04Assalamu alaikum. I'm Hiba.
SPEAKER_00And I'm Zayd.
SPEAKER_04You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
SPEAKER_00A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.
SPEAKER_04We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.
SPEAKER_00So let's dive in. As salamu alaikum. Welcome back to another episode.
SPEAKER_04Welcome back, Assalamu alaikum.
SPEAKER_00We are blessed to have a guest.
SPEAKER_04Special guest with us today, the youngest guest we've ever had, I would say. Only seven weeks.
SPEAKER_00Only seven weeks. Sharing her words of wisdom about food, sleep, diaper changes, giving us her food reviews about the taste of milk, all that good stuff.
SPEAKER_03So if you guys hear some funny sounds, some sneezing, some embarrassing sounds, no, it's not us.
SPEAKER_00Yep.
When Conditions Become A Red Flag
SPEAKER_00So alhamdulillah, we're on to our second episode in a series that we have titled Nikah Contracts. And I want to kick stuff with a question for you.
SPEAKER_03Sure.
SPEAKER_00At what point do marriage conditions become wisdom? And at what point do they become a sign that you probably shouldn't get married?
SPEAKER_04That's a good question.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_04I think it honestly, everything, like we always say, goes back to intention. Right. Where is this condition coming from? Is it because you had a bad experience that you don't want to repeat? Is it because you don't trust this person you're about to marry? Is it Yeah? I think she agrees on the second one. She doesn't trust this person.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, she doesn't trust us.
SPEAKER_04Or is it because uh this thing you're putting as a condition is a priority to you and you just wanna sorry guys, this is the only way to do it these days. We can't ask for a babysitter every time. I think it's cute. Yeah, it's so cute. Let us know if you think it's annoying or cute. But uh yeah, honestly, it just goes back to intention.
SPEAKER_00And the other thing is that, and I've seen this a lot with our clients too, that when people start um putting conditions, right, or addressing these things, it's usually because they've their sister had this experience, their cousin had this experience, or their best friend went through something like this, and they think it's gonna happen to them too. Right. I want to protect myself. Right. So whether it's the pursuing education, whether it's um living arrangements, whatever it might be, they've seen these experiences play out in front of them, and it's kind of shaping their expectations um when it comes to marriage.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I agree.
SPEAKER_00So let's set the foundation.
Why We Avoid Contract Talk
SPEAKER_00Why do Muslims avoid these conversations? It's mostly out of fear, people don't want marriage to feel transactional.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it kills the romance once you start talking about conditions. Yeah. Uh it might convey a level of insecurity or control. Maybe the person might be perceived as controlling or uh lack of trust, like I said.
SPEAKER_00Right. The important thing to note is that these are opportunities for clarity.
SPEAKER_04Exactly. Yeah. Right. And also to see how the other person communicates. Like if you mention a condition, will he immediately flip or say, Oh, you don't trust me? Or like sometimes it's not about the condition itself, sometimes it's about how the person reacts to it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. So it's important to understand the purpose of these conditions. All right, they're not traps, they're not punishments, it's nothing like that. Yeah, it's solely for the purpose of clarity and protection. Yeah. And we can kind of dive into prenups. Like we're not lawyers, we don't have any legal expertise, but what we do know is that prenups are allowed in Islam. And uh, and you were talking a little bit about this before we started recording.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, but I would suggest, honestly, why don't we dedicate an episode to that?
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_04Instead of just putting everything here in one episode.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, but I I'm just gonna briefly say in one or two sentences that prenups are allowed in Islam. They are very much encouraged by Muslim lawyers. And the lastly, the last thing I want to say is that if you live in the US and Canada, which is I believe where most of our listeners are, um, that if you don't have a prenup aligned with Islamic law, then you're just leaving the marriage or the fallout of the marriage to the Western legal system.
SPEAKER_04So yeah, it's any Western country, not just America or Canada. Any Western country. That's true. That's true. I didn't think about that. Yeah. But inshallah, we'll dedicate an episode to that.
SPEAKER_00As soon as we can find a Muslim lawyer. Yeah. Which we've been searching for for a long time, but we haven't had much luck. So if you guys know someone, uh hit
What Makes A Condition Valid
SPEAKER_00us up on info at halanmesh.ca. Yeah. Okay. So going back to the purposes. So yes, like I said, clarity, protection. Um anything else you want to add to that?
SPEAKER_04Uh not to that specific point, but before we talk about the types of conditions that can go in a marriage contract, a condition needs to meet certain conditions to be a legit condition.
SPEAKER_00Okay, there's a lot of conditions.
SPEAKER_04It's very simple. Let me just break it down.
SPEAKER_00Okay, I'm listening.
SPEAKER_04In order for a condition to be valid, to go in a car contract, it needs to be to meet certain criteria. Number one is that it uh fulfills an interest or a benefit to one of the parties. So you can't have just uh an arbitrary condition, I don't know, just because you want to make the other person's life more difficult. Right. Yeah. Like it needs to fulfill a certain interest or a benefit.
SPEAKER_00Um that kind of feels like common sense. Like, why would anybody put an arbitrary condition that like, I don't know, for example, you have to be okay. Um God, I can't even think of something. For example, Well, you have to be okay with the eating out every day.
SPEAKER_04No, somebody could put an arbitrary uh condition just because they need that sense of control.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_04You never know. Some people are screwed up in their heads.
SPEAKER_01Okay, you must always obey me.
SPEAKER_04Okay, something like that. Yeah uh number two, okay. Uh the uh the condition can't make a halal haram or a haram halal.
SPEAKER_00And we'll get into that because in that kind of leads me to my next point about polygamy. Yeah, yes.
SPEAKER_04Uh yeah, but not just polygamy, I don't know. You can't put a condition on the girl you cannot wear hijab in the future. You can't uh like wear hijab and embarrass me in front of my friends, something like that.
SPEAKER_00People put that kind of stuff?
SPEAKER_04You never know how people think. We are in 2026 if you haven't heard. I heard I heard yeah, so um these mainly are the conditions that need to be in a
What Happens If A Condition Breaks
SPEAKER_04marriage condition. Now, what what do you think happens if one of these conditions, like a legit condition, hasn't been met? Like uh the husband violated it or the wife violated the condition that the husband put?
SPEAKER_00Give me an example.
SPEAKER_04I don't know, like uh she put a condition that uh he can't take he can't relocate internationally suddenly for no reason. And he does it. And he does it. What do you think happens?
SPEAKER_00It invalidates the contract and which would hence invalidate the marriage, would it not?
SPEAKER_04So what does that mean?
SPEAKER_00So that's grounds for annulment slash divorce? I don't know.
SPEAKER_04That's what I wanted to hear. Annulment slash divorce, because they're not the same.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_04So if let me make it more simple. If a wife violates a condition, then talaq happens, not annulment, divorce happens, and she doesn't get any of her rights. Like for example, let's say she had most of the mahir uh set as a delayed mahir, she doesn't get that. Divorce happens and she doesn't get her rights because she violated a condition.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_04And if the opposite happens, if he violates a condition, then annulment happens. It's not talk, annulment, fessh.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. And he has to pay her her rights. So he has to pay the rest of the maher, he has to pay the nafakat l-dah, like edda um alimony. Yeah. Right. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um how long uh discussion.
SPEAKER_04No, I'd three months. That's it. Three months. Oh, yeah, for those three months. Okay. But this is just to say how uh serious conditions are. The Prophet said that Muslims respect their conditions. Yeah, their contracts. Exactly. So that's not something to be taken lightly.
SPEAKER_00Okay, wow. So let's dive
Polygamy And Career Conditions
SPEAKER_00into some of the kind of tricky areas. You and I getting married, and you put on as a condition prior to our marriage that I will not take on a second wife.
SPEAKER_04Oh, you immediately want to jump to that area.
SPEAKER_00Let's do it. Let's go right there.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, so number one, you are making halal haram. As far as my understanding goes, that there's a difference of opinion on this specific matter of polygamy. Is there not?
SPEAKER_04There is some um uh disagreement. Okay, but the majority of opinions is that this is a valid condition. Because it's not making hal taking a second wife, that's not obligatory, right?
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_04So the condition can't make an obligatory thing haram, okay, and can't make a forbidding thing halal.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_04Taking a second wife, that's not obligatory. It's a mubah.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_04It's allowed.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_04But I'm stopping you from doing an allowed thing, and you agree to that.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_04So you have to respect that.
SPEAKER_00Okay. But nonetheless, there's still a difference of opinion on that.
SPEAKER_04Uh yes. But the majority of opinions is that this is a legit uh condition. And there was one more thing I forgot to mention about the validity of a condition. It can't contradict the purpose of a marriage. So, for example, um you can't put as a condition that we're not gonna consume it. Okay, or that we're not gonna live together. Because that contradicts the the the principle or the the um what is the word I'm gonna put for the essence. The essence. The the the reason why Allah made uh marriage like sha'a alan al-zawaj, why Allah made uh marriage halal for us.
unknownRight.
SPEAKER_04So enjoy our company, it's to satisfy our needs. It's satisfy our needs, it's to whatever.
SPEAKER_00Okay, fair enough. So on the flip side, and we hear this all the time about girls. I'm in medical school right now, or I'm about to start medical school. I don't want to drop medical school uh for the sake of my husband, and uh my husband has to respect and allow me to not just complete my medical school but allow me to work post-medical school uh as a doctor.
SPEAKER_04Okay, so let me just ask you simply. Yes, does this make an obligate obligatory thing haram?
SPEAKER_00Uh no.
SPEAKER_04Does this make a haram thing obligation, an obligation?
SPEAKER_00A haram thing, an obligation.
SPEAKER_04No. Okay, does this go against the purpose of marriage?
SPEAKER_00That's kind of tricky because let me elaborate. Let me elaborate. Not the purpose of marriage, but what I'm saying is it kind of goes against the the role of a woman.
SPEAKER_04Okay, that's not what we're talking about.
SPEAKER_00That's why I feel like it's going to a gray area at the same time. Because a woman's role or her further responsibilities are to be the caretaker of the home, to take care of her husband and kids and things like that. And now she's putting a condition on her contract where it would take away from that. Well, if she's saying where And let's say they have children while she's in medical school.
SPEAKER_04First of all, or while she's in residency. First of all, this is uh a temporary thing. She's not gonna be in medical school forever. All right. Uh I mean that would bode really well for her as a doctor. I wouldn't want her to be my physician. And um number two, this does not uh contradict the the essence of marriage because if she says you and I are gonna live separately until I'm done with medical school, we are not gonna consume it, we are gonna be just married on paper, then that goes against it. But yeah, that's a problem. Yeah. And lastly, does it bring benefit to her or is it just an arbitrary condition?
SPEAKER_00It does bring benefit to her.
SPEAKER_04Okay, then all conditions are met. This is a legit condition.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
Money Rules And Separate Accounts
SPEAKER_00Let's talk about another example that makes sense. Financial agreements. Sometime I remember one of the guys that talked about uh a dual checking account. Yeah. Right? Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Um God, I have a feeling that guy would have wanted to put that into writing 50%, 50%.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we run into the whole 50%, 50% thing a lot, actually, with guys. So one of the conditions a guy could put is we're gonna we're going to have separate checking accounts. Uh yes, I'm going to fulfill my obligations in providing food, shelter, housing, maintenance, and whatever, but we're going to have separate accounts, and my money is going to be in my account, and you are not going to have access to my account. And uh if you want to give me access to your account, you're more than welcome to, but you don't have to. And then I think I guess that's fine. That fulfills all the conditions, right?
SPEAKER_04Yeah, if he fulfills his role and he's spending and he's not being stingy, then yeah.
SPEAKER_00Do you think girls would be most girls would probably have an issue with that?
SPEAKER_04Because not because of the arrangement itself, because it's exactly it draws lots of suspicions.
SPEAKER_00Very much.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yeah. What about if the guy wants as a condition that she has to contribute 50%? Do you think that's allowed? No. No?
SPEAKER_00No? Yeah. Because that's not for the exactly.
SPEAKER_04It's not an obligation, yeah. Because his obligation is to spend. Right. And he's making it an obligation for her instead of it.
SPEAKER_00Right. You can't
Pressure Privacy And Control Tests
SPEAKER_00put your obligations on somebody. Exactly, exactly, yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04What about this? You cannot visit your parents. Whether it's the guy or the girl asking for this.
SPEAKER_00No, because ties of kinship is a part of our deen, too.
SPEAKER_04Exactly. But something worth mentioning, when we're talking about conditions, there should be no form of pressure. And sometimes that could be actual pressure or pressure, emotional pressure. Like the woman feels like, oh, if I say no to this condition, then he might cancel the whole thing. I might not find another husband. So this is more like emotional pressure. Or if I say no to this condition, then my parents are gonna get upset because I wasted such a good opportunity. Conditions have to be agreed out of one's own will.
SPEAKER_01Okay, fair enough.
SPEAKER_04Okay, what do you think of this condition? You must give me access to all your passwords.
SPEAKER_00I don't know what guy would be okay with that.
SPEAKER_04No, I'm actually thinking that the guy is putting this as a condition.
SPEAKER_00Oh wow. Well, you're ending the relationship before it even begins. Exactly. Holy.
SPEAKER_04So you know, sometimes it's not about like this is Islamically allowed and this is Islamically not allowed. Sometimes that's not even the conversation. Yeah. Sometimes it's way deeper than that and more nuanced than that. Yeah, yeah. Where is this coming from?
SPEAKER_00Um again, back to what I said in the beginning that this guy has probably heard about a terrible divorce situation that happened with his best friend, and he wants to make sure it doesn't happen to him. So he's allowing his expectations to be shaped by his environment.
SPEAKER_04Or maybe the guy is just a control freak.
SPEAKER_00Or that.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Or that. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04There's a difference between privacy and secrecy. We're all entitled to privacy. Even between husband and wife, there should be some privacy, I think. Yeah, of course. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, but it should be addressed early on. For example, you can say, you know, I'm not I don't feel comfortable you reading my diary or having access to my inbox. Right? Yeah. That's totally fine. Yeah. I think we're at a point where we go through each other's phones. I tell you to check my text messages, I'll tell you to go to my inbox. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04There's nothing to hide. There's nothing to hide.
SPEAKER_00I open your mail, you open my mail, whatever.
SPEAKER_04But some couples might not feel comfortable because it's not a good idea. Especially, especially in the beginning. We weren't like this in the beginning. No, I don't remember going through your email, like I don't know, the first months we got married.
SPEAKER_00Well, there was no need for it. It's not like I was acting suspiciously. I know. Okay, let's try another example. You must always obey me.
SPEAKER_04What do we mean by obey? If uh if you're asking me to do something haram, then I'm not gonna obey you with that.
SPEAKER_00That's a no-brainer.
SPEAKER_04If you're asking me to accept and be okay with humiliation, lack of respect, with violence, with abuse, then I'm not gonna obey you with that. But what about this one? You cannot disagree with me in public.
SPEAKER_00No. No, that's not gonna work.
SPEAKER_04That's not gonna work. Because first of all, what do we mean by disagree? What if you are sharing wrong information? What if you are lying in public? What if you are uh, I don't know, uh doing uh verbal abuse to me in public? Like, and I can't disagree with you. So a lot of things are vague sometimes, and uh that's another thing I forgot to mention uh of what what constitutes a valid condition, that it can't be vague.
SPEAKER_00Right, just like any other contract. Exactly. The terms have to be clear.
SPEAKER_04So that's something that actually I think most Muslims don't think about when we talk about marriage and nikas, is that it's an it's a contract, it's an actual
Opposite Gender Friends And Boundaries
SPEAKER_04contract. When we think about contracts, what do we think? We think about financial contracts, we think about uh, I don't know, lease con lease contract. But marriage is uh actually a contract and it's the the holiest and most serious of contracts.
SPEAKER_00What's the what's the term again in the Quran for a binding knot?
SPEAKER_04Mitach and ralidah yes, it's mithaq and rhida. So Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala used the same words when he described the covenant he took from his prophets, he described that as a mithaq and ralidah, and he used the exact same words to describe taniqah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04So it just shows you how serious it is. So if you say yes to a con to a condition, you better fulfill it.
SPEAKER_00So this is a popular one we see, I think more so with girls and guys, right? That you can't have friends of the opposite gender. Can you put that as a condition?
SPEAKER_04Honestly, I think the average Muslim doesn't have friends of the opposite gender. And by friends, I mean friends, like somebody you turn to at the difficult times, somebody you text like once a week and ask about their well-being. I think more the average Muslim doesn't have that. But do we have colleagues of the opposite gender? Do we have um I don't know, acquaintances? Do we have family friends? Yes. But I don't think the average Muslim goes to, I don't know, unburden themselves by discussing uh personal matters with someone from the opposite gender. What do you think?
SPEAKER_00No, I think it comes back to boundaries.
SPEAKER_04Okay.
SPEAKER_00We have non-Muslim female friends. Yeah. Um, and we go over to their house, they come over to our our place, we know them, we meet them in different settings, we do a lot of activism work too. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04So but they're friends of the both of us. Yes. It's not like I have an exclusive guy friend and you have an exclusive girlfriend.
SPEAKER_00True, true, true. So mutual understanding, understanding the reality of the situation. Yeah, all of that stuff.
SPEAKER_04Exactly, yeah. But this uh like if somebody puts this as a condition, again, either it's coming, either it's coming from a place of distrust, insecurity, insecurity, or a need for control. Or a bad, really bad experience.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, usually guys get slapped with that label of control, but often it can always, not always, but oftentimes be girls too.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, uh lots of our clients they ask for this. Like when we ask, what are you looking for? Somebody who doesn't have friends of the opposite gender.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I see it on application forms all the time.
Culture Confusion Recap And Next Steps
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Do you think that the previous generation and the one before it, they added conditions to their marriage contracts?
SPEAKER_00No.
SPEAKER_04Do you think they were aware that you can add conditions?
SPEAKER_00No. I think uh most cases that I've seen, there were arranged marriages. They had no idea what the what conditions they could put. And so they just went with whatever the culture told them was.
SPEAKER_04So this is due to lack of education or because like they were just simpler times, simpler people, they didn't overcomplicate things like we tend to.
SPEAKER_00I'd say lack of education.
SPEAKER_04Do you think we overcomplicate marriage? Like specifically talking about specifically, I'm talking about marriage contracts by adding like this condition and that condition and whatever. Do you think or we just want to protect ourselves?
SPEAKER_00Um, I don't think people discuss conditions enough. I think people overcomplicate things by adding too much cost to the wedding, uh, having unrealistic expectations, especially when it comes to the guy. I think these are the things that are killing marriage before it even happens.
SPEAKER_04Some couples discuss centerpieces way more than discussing conditions and the marriage contract itself.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Hey, if you have a story to tell, we'd love to have you on. Here you'll find a safe space of listeners who can understand what you're going through. Just shoot us an email with a summary of your story at info at halalmaj.ca.
SPEAKER_00So the important thing to note, guys and girls, is that conditions are allowed on your marriage contract. They're and there's nothing wrong with adding reasonable conditions as long as they meet the conditions of the condition, which which Hebba mentioned early on in the episode.
SPEAKER_04So let's just uh go over them quickly. So a condition has to fulfill a benefit to at least one of the parties. Right.
SPEAKER_00So they cannot just be some arbitrary random thing saying, you know, ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner or something. I don't know. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Uh a condition cannot contradict the purpose of marriage itself.
SPEAKER_00Which is, you know, cohabitation, fulfilling one's one another's needs, yeah, things like that.
SPEAKER_04A condition can't make afford haram. And can't make a haram for example he can say that you can't wear hijab in the future and she can't say I don't know you can't uh visit your parents.
SPEAKER_00But that brings up an interesting point where um you know a girl is not wearing hijab and he puts on the niqa contract that she must start wearing hijab after they get married.
SPEAKER_04That's legit.
SPEAKER_00That's totally legit because hijab is far and he has every right to put that on the contract. And in fact, he shouldn't even have to put it on the contract because she should be wearing it technically.
SPEAKER_04But but he can't force her to wear it. So if she says yes to the condition, she needs to fulfill it. But anyway, you want to wear the hijab not to make a guy happy. You want to wear it to make Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala happy with you.
SPEAKER_00Of course, of course. So keep these things in mind, guys, that you have options, you know, whether you're a guy, you're a girl, and the one thing I want to talk to say specifically to the girls is that, you know, and we've kind of addressed this in previous episodes, that getting married doesn't mean you have to give up certain things. Right. Your education, your career, your independence. There are ways to put conditions and safeguards in your contract to make sure that you are protecting yourself in the future. You know, if your education and the time and money that you've invested into building your career is important to you, you can safeguard that in your contract. Yeah. So remember to keep these things in mind, and inshallah, next time we will dive even deeper into this series of niqaf contracts.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Until next time.