Who We'd Let Our Daughter Marry!

Our daughter, Layla, was only a few weeks old when we had a terrifying realization: one day some guy is going to ask to marry her. And just like that, the matchmaker brain kicked in.

What followed was a conversation that was equal parts practical, uncomfortable, and slightly ridiculous. We found ourselves debating things we never thought we'd be discussing while holding a newborn. What would actually matter? What wouldn't? What questions would we ask? And are some of the things Muslims fixate on completely missing the point?

This episode is less about our daughter and more about what happens when two matchmakers suddenly become parents. The answers surprised us. Some of them might surprise you too.

If something we said made you think, laugh, or feel seen, leave us a rating and review! It helps more people find the show. And hey, if you know someone who needs to hear this episode, send it their way. Sharing is caring!

Transcript

Intro And A Dad’s Wild Thought

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Assalamu alaikum. I'm Hiba.

SPEAKER_00 0:02

And I'm Zayd.

SPEAKER_02 0:03

You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.

SPEAKER_00 0:05

A podcast that will take you into our world as matchmakers.

SPEAKER_02 0:09

We'll share our experiences and offer advice for the single Muslim.

SPEAKER_00 0:12

So let's dive in. This match. Asalaamu alaikum, everyone. Welcome back to another episode.

SPEAKER_02 0:20

Assalamu alaikum.

SPEAKER_00 0:21

So today we're taking a short break from our series discussion about nikah contracts. But we will go back to it in the next episode, inshallah. But why are we taking a break?

SPEAKER_02 0:31

You tell me. This topic is your idea.

SPEAKER_00 0:34

It was my idea, actually. I think it came to me maybe about two weeks ago. And uh it was just actually the funny thing is it came to me while I was praying. Now I remember.

SPEAKER_02 0:44

Usually the best ideas come to us while all we're in the shower. Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

I don't know. Shaitan has a way of activating our creativity doing salah. Yeah, right. Yeah. But um the more I just thought about Layla, who, for you guys that don't know, that's our daughter, alhamdulillah, she just turned eight weeks just a few days ago. Uh and the more I thought about her, my mind just naturally started to drift way, way into the future. And I just started thinking about marriage for her. I don't know why.

SPEAKER_02 1:13

It's so crazy. She's eight weeks older already thinking about marriage. Right. That's the matchmaker's brain.

SPEAKER_00 1:18

Exactly, right? Like as a matchmaker, you can't help to think about this stuff, especially when you have a daughter yourself. Yeah. So I kept thinking about who would I let my daughter marry? What would the criteria be? How picky would I be? Would I turn into those parents that I hated when I was trying to get married? Would I turn into the person that I despised? Or would I be more flexible? And obviously, I think my at least my views are definitely gonna evolve and change as Layla gets older, as time goes on. But as it stands now, I don't know. I mean, there's just so much to unpack. So much to unpack.

SPEAKER_01 1:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

Um, but I don't know what let's start with the criteria. Like, would would you have do you have a set criteria in mind? Like if Layla turned 18 today.

SPEAKER_02 2:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:08

Right? And she came up to you.

SPEAKER_02 2:10

This would mean I'm in my 50s.

SPEAKER_00 2:12

Yeah. I don't want to think about that. And so Layla's 18, she comes up to you and says, you know, there is a guy that uh I've been speaking to for some time, and uh he seems interested in me. I kinda like him. What would be the next step for you?

SPEAKER_02 2:31

Um what would be the next step for me? Tell me more.

SPEAKER_00 2:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 2:36

Uh how long has this been going on?

SPEAKER_00 2:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 2:39

Why didn't you feel that you can come and talk to me about it in the beginning? Because hopefully, I hope that the way we are gonna bring her up is in a way that she would feel like we are the first person she wants to talk to about anything.

SPEAKER_00 2:53

Right. And I kept thinking about that, and you know where my mind went towards? What? Musa alayhi salam's story.

SPEAKER_02 2:58

Right, right, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:59

Like ideally, hopefully, we have that same relationship that Musa alayhi salam's wife had with her father. Yeah, exactly. And if you guys don't know the story, we have we dedicated an entire episode. It's the only proposal mentioned in the Quran, so check out that episode.

SPEAKER_02 3:13

You know, this reminds me of something. A friend uh mentioned the other day, funny enough, her name is Layla as well. She told me one thing you should always remember uh as your daughter is getting older, make her really hate lying. Make her not want to lie to you about anything, even if she messes up, you want her to come and tell you you will give her a listening ear, and you might get angry, you might get mad, you might even punish her, but it's all coming from a place of love, but you don't want her to hide things from you or lie to you about it.

SPEAKER_00 3:48

That's tricky. That's really tricky because on the one hand, that you you don't want to create a relationship where she doesn't feel distrust, but at the same time, how can you do that without bearing in mind that if she does something wrong, you ha there has to be consequences, whether that's punishment or something else.

SPEAKER_02 4:08

So it like when she understands that that these consequences are not coming from a place of like hatred, I'm not taking revenge on you. I want you to learn, I want you to do better, I I'm gonna protect you, I'm gonna help you. Then okay, maybe punishment remove the punishment part. So if we do a good job bringing her up, feeling like she's our friend, we are her friends, we're listening ears, there's nothing to be scared of. Then sh when there's a guy who shows interest in her, she's gonna come to us straight and tell us about it, not after like uh three months.

SPEAKER_00 4:39

Ideally, yeah. Hopefully we get to that point. Yeah. I can only imagine what the teenage years are gonna be like. Oh god, right? I've never had a sister, my dad had never had sisters, so this is kind of foreign territory for me. Uncharted territory. Yes, uncharted territory, that's the word. Yeah, okay. But going back to the original question, um, so your response would be asking those uh series of questions. How long has it been going on? Why haven't you brought it up to me, etc. etc. Um, but let's say we get past that.

Building Trust So She Tells You

SPEAKER_00 5:10

What how would you go about meeting the guy? What what would the next step be? Would you tell him, okay, he needs to call me and come over to my house and meet me? Would you go meet the guy at their house?

SPEAKER_02 5:20

Not necessarily like it it doesn't matter who comes to whom, but the important thing is I want to meet the guy.

SPEAKER_00 5:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 5:25

And I want to not interview him, but I want to know what his intentions are. I want to see if he's a good guy, if he's um genuine, or if he's just wasting your time.

SPEAKER_00 5:37

Okay. Yeah fair enough.

SPEAKER_02 5:39

What about you?

SPEAKER_00 5:41

So she comes up to me, she says, There's a guy that's been talking to me and stuff. So yeah, I would ask the same series of questions, and I would say that I want to meet the guy um and uh tell him to give me a call. Tell him to give me a call, come over. Now I feel like I'm turning into those parents I hated.

SPEAKER_02 5:57

Exactly, because yes, because you would always say that um this puts so much pressure on the guy and um not necessarily.

SPEAKER_00 6:05

What I would hate is that when girls would say when girls would not take initiative and say, you need to call my dad. Right? But in this situation, Layla's coming up to me and introducing the guy to me, and hopefully he's a good guy. Otherwise, why would Layla's mention the guy to me? Otherwise, she would end it right there with the guy if he's not a good suitable match, right?

SPEAKER_01 6:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:27

Logically speaking. Right. So the fact that she's brought it up to me says, like, even though she hasn't said it yet, to me that's a sign that she's also interested too. Of course. Right? Yeah. So that I mean, there's no room for ego in these situations. So I guess I shouldn't play, you know, who's got the bigger ego, who's who should call first? Should I call him first? Who should he call me first? But regardless, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, right? So by me saying, okay, he needs to call me and come over to my place, that's kind of me demonstrating my ego a bit. But regardless, yes, the first step is definitely meeting the guy. I don't need to meet the family and stuff, which is something that I would hate. Because why meet the entire family, the uncles, the grandparents, and the extended family? There's no need for all of that, it's just the first meeting. Yeah, you don't even need to meet the parents, you need to meet the guy. Yeah, that's the most important part. So, yes, I want to meet the guy.

SPEAKER_02 7:17

Um You know, I would also ask her, what do you like about him? So if I notice from her answers, is oh mom, you should see how he dresses. He's so handsome, uh, he's so smart, like she's complimenting circumstantial things, then I know she's lacking maturity. Maybe she's not ready for this. And 18 is a pretty young age. But if she mentions that uh mom, he's very polite, uh, he always like, I don't know, keeps um boundaries. He's uh I see him uh always like uh engaged with the MSA. I see him at the Musalah or something like that. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 7:53

Okay, fair enough. I think the one thing that I would want to see is after, let's say, assuming I invite him over to my place, I would intentionally invite him in the evening.

SPEAKER_02 8:03

Around the Aisha time.

SPEAKER_00 8:04

Or Maghrib time and have him lead Maghrib Salah.

SPEAKER_02 8:07

First see if he prays. Okay. Maybe he's not gonna get up to pray at all.

SPEAKER_00 8:11

Well, there you go. The fact that the guy's not getting up to pray, that is a huge red flag for me.

SPEAKER_02 8:16

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:17

Right? So I would love to invite him over to my place, and I would intentionally invite him at Maghrib time or close to Maghrib time, and just see number one, if he does get up for prayer, and number two, if he does get up, I would strongly push him to lead the Maghrib prayer.

SPEAKER_02 8:32

God, how nerve-wracking would that be?

SPEAKER_00 8:34

Hey, getting married is a nerve-wracking process. I've been through it generations before I've been through it, but there are certain deal breakers that I have. Of course. And it's not like I'm asking the guy to show me his paycheck and prove that he earned six figures. All you gotta do is just get up, leave Maghrib Salah, say Surafat Hasura at last. Just make sure you have some decent pronunciation in the way you're you're saying the the surahs. And there you go. I I don't have like some unreasonable criteria. I'm not saying that that alone qualifies.

SPEAKER_02 9:09

Of course not, but that's the bare minimum.

SPEAKER_00 9:10

That that's the bare minimum. I mean, come on, you you are going to be the leader of my daughter, right? And if you can't lead Salah, then what the hell are you are you good for?

SPEAKER_02 9:18

You know, this reminds me of something. Yeah. I have a dear friend. Yeah, she was interested in her funny enough, cousin who got he she got to know him and whatever. And uh the guy wasn't praying, and her father put his foot down. He said, I'm not giving you away to a guy who doesn't pray. So the guy started praying.

SPEAKER_00 9:38

Really?

SPEAKER_02 9:38

But turned out to be the

Meeting The Guy Without The Circus

SPEAKER_02 9:40

worst personality ever. Abusive, they ended up getting divorced. So now you don't want to say there's a correlation. No, no. No, no. I'm saying you don't want to put the salah condition, like if he doesn't pray, then you put that as a condition, and then he's just praying for the sake of marrying your daughter. Because, like I said, it's a bare minimum, but it's not everything.

SPEAKER_00 10:01

Yeah, definitely. That's that's one deal breaker that I personally have. Yeah. What's a deal breaker for you?

SPEAKER_02 10:07

Me too. Prayer. Uh smoking.

SPEAKER_00 10:10

Smoking.

SPEAKER_02 10:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:12

I wouldn't give my daughter to a guy who's smoking, especially if he's not showing any effort to quit.

SPEAKER_01 10:20

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 10:21

If he's like working on himself, he's, I don't know, following a program, he tries, he fails, he goes back, he but if he's so comfortable with this lifestyle, then no.

unknown 10:30

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 10:31

Now my question is are there any other values or qualities that you feel would be strong enough to overshadow that?

SPEAKER_02 10:42

Uh like I don't know, he could be a half or something, but not.

SPEAKER_00 10:48

He could be earning great money, well educated, could have a PhD in something.

SPEAKER_02 10:52

No, you know why? First of all, not to mention that there's already a disagreement about it if it's haram or not. Let's put that aside.

SPEAKER_00 11:00

Put that aside, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:00

It's a filthy habit, unhealthy. I don't want my daughter ending up a widow at an early age. She's gonna be inhaling those smokes he's smoking. Her children, future children, will be inhaling that too. He's wasting his money, money he could be spending on his family or giving to charity on this filthy habit. So no, that's a deal breaker for me.

SPEAKER_00 11:23

Wow. And what if Layla says, I love this guy? He's the one.

SPEAKER_02 11:29

Then if I want to marry him, then if he loves you enough, he's gonna try to quit. Who does he love more? You or his cigarettes?

SPEAKER_00 11:38

Yeah, that's tough.

SPEAKER_02 11:43

Like, I wouldn't force her, like, no, you can't marry this guy. No. It's all like through communication and explaining to her the repercussions of marrying a smoker. And I don't know. If at the end of the day she decides she wants to do it, even though she knows the risks that come with it for her, for her children, for their um finances.

SPEAKER_00 12:04

You will eventually give the green light if she keeps insisting.

SPEAKER_02 12:07

What is the alternative of her marrying a non-Muslim?

SPEAKER_00 12:11

Oh my god. Ya tu Yaksin Much. Good timing. Good timing.

SPEAKER_02 12:16

No, but I mean, I I would strongly, strongly, strongly disencourage her.

SPEAKER_00 12:22

Yeah, me too. Yeah, smoking, uh, somebody who doesn't pray or doesn't make an initiative or doesn't know how to pray.

SPEAKER_02 12:30

You know what? Let's make a distinction between two things. When we say this is a guy, I wouldn't let my daughter marry. So let's make a distinction between putting my foot down and saying, I will not attend this wedding, I will not bless this wedding, I'm not a part of it. And between I would highly discourage her, and I'm not gonna be a big fan of the guy, but I won't stop her in her way.

SPEAKER_00 12:53

Okay, so yeah, deal breaker for me is prayer. Uh strongly discourage smoking. I think we align on those two things. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Um

Faith And Lifestyle Deal Breakers

SPEAKER_00 13:05

let's talk about the big one that everybody loves to talk about education. Um, what would your expectations be if a guy is sincerely interested in marrying Leila?

SPEAKER_02 13:18

Education in itself is not a criteria for me.

SPEAKER_00 13:22

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 13:23

It's ambition, what I care about. Okay, library. So he could be uh, I don't know, a high school graduate, but he's very smart, he's very ambitious, and he's working on something. He has a flourishing business, or he's working on a a project, or he might be, I don't know. He might be very smart with numbers, with money. He's an investor.

unknown 13:48

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 13:49

He has a family business.

SPEAKER_00 13:51

I think I agree with you there because for me, at least the way education has turned within the past 10-15 years, number one, it's ridiculously expensive. Yeah. I don't know how it is out in the east, but here in the West, I mean, on average, you're looking at 60k plus. And if you're going for a professional degree, you're looking at six-figure loan debt for God knows how many years, etc. So putting the costs aside, I feel that most skills, with the exception of things like becoming a doctor or engineers, lawyers, whatever, that require professional certifications, most skills can be required through other means. Right? Whether it's becoming an IT professional, whether it's becoming a craftsman, a content creator.

SPEAKER_02 14:35

Craftsmen, exactly. What's wrong with craftsmen?

SPEAKER_00 14:38

Nothing.

SPEAKER_02 14:38

Nothing wrong. You could you know how much plumbers charge? Like a crazy amount.

SPEAKER_00 14:43

Right. And then these like apprenticeships or training programs are like a year, two years, right? Yeah. You know, and you don't need to take a six-figure loan to become these uh different professions.

SPEAKER_02 14:55

So what I care about is ambition and uh the the want and the desire to grow and spend on his family and be in a good financial situation.

SPEAKER_00 15:04

Right. And now at the same time, on the flip side, we're not saying that the guy can be illiterate.

SPEAKER_02 15:09

Like of course, when we say education, high school graduate at least. Right.

SPEAKER_00 15:13

So you mentioned that ambition is the most one of the most important things that you're looking for, more so than education. Yeah, correct? So let's play a scenario. Sure. Guy is 25, he dropped out of university, and um he dropped out because he had an idea that he wanted to pursue. And to make ends meet, he's Ubering, he's working at Pizza Hut, he's doing kind of dead-end jobs to make ends meet. And um he's coming to meet you and he's really interested in Layla, but doesn't have a stable job at the time. How how would you feel about this?

SPEAKER_02 15:50

So is he currently working on his great idea? Or is he just like, is he? Yeah. Okay. He just time. I would see how serious he is about it. Is he just like, I don't know, he wakes up at noon, he works on his laptop for like two hours, and then he goes, takes a nap. So I want to see how serious he is about this this idea of his. Maybe I can even help him and support him if I believe in it, if I see the potential. And um I wouldn't like give him my do I wouldn't like have the nikaha the following day. I would uh like consider him and all of that, but then I wouldn't uh allow them, not allow them, I don't I don't like to use this word allow and prevent and prohibit, but I wouldn't encourage them to actually have the nikaha until it's tak it takes off a little bit. So I know that there is some stability, some um reassurance.

SPEAKER_00 16:42

Okay, but what if Layla comes to you and said, Mom, I'm working, alhamdulillah, I have a decent job, I can support. Um you feel comfortable moving forward if Layla is saying

Ambition Over Degrees And Debt

SPEAKER_00 16:55

that you know she can make ends meet and and provide financial stability.

SPEAKER_02 16:59

Well there are other factors. Does he have a plan B?

SPEAKER_00 17:01

No, he doesn't.

SPEAKER_02 17:02

Okay, then no, I wouldn't encourage her. How many people start businesses with the grand ideas and ambition? But it just doesn't like doesn't pan out. Yeah. Not because they were lazy, not because they did anything wrong, it's just like wasn't meant to be. So if he doesn't have a plan B, is she gonna be the sole provider for the rest of their lives? Does he have another thing he wants to pursue? Does so if I see that he doesn't have a plan B, he's still in the beginning stages, his idea isn't hasn't been proven yet, then I would encourage her to wait.

SPEAKER_00 17:37

Now the trouble with that is they could already be at a stage where if you further prevent them from getting their nikah done, God forbid they could be some haram that could take place.

SPEAKER_02 17:49

So that's why I said I don't like to use these words prevent and allow. I would never like put my foot down and prevent her and say, like, I don't know, consider me not a part of your life if you pursue this and all of that, those extremes. I would never do that unless she's she wants to marry a non-Muslim or a Muslim by name, or someone who will 100% lead her to destruction.

SPEAKER_01 18:17

Besides that, last one's a bit subjective, though.

SPEAKER_02 18:19

No, like uh I don't know, the guy is abusive.

SPEAKER_01 18:23

Right.

SPEAKER_02 18:24

In that case, yeah, I will put my foot down. But all of the rest, like he's lazy, he's smoking, I would highly discourage her, but I would never like say you can never do I will disown you if you do this, because we're opening the doors to haram.

SPEAKER_00 18:38

Right. So basically, going back to how we were talking about it before, the deal breakers for you are somebody who doesn't pray, somebody who obviously the guy's a non-Muslim, somebody who's verbally abusive. So all the normal red flags that any parent would say no to. Of course, yeah. Yeah. Uh okay, let's try another scenario.

SPEAKER_01 18:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 18:59

The guy is great, he checks all your boxes, but the parents are a slight problem.

SPEAKER_02 19:06

Are they a problem for me or for Layla?

SPEAKER_00 19:08

I don't know. That's for Layla to decide. She has to tell us. Like, is she getting along with the parents? How are they to her? How are they treating her? And then is the possible scenario of her moving in with her husband. So that's what I was saying. Living with her in-laws.

SPEAKER_02 19:23

So if the guy is great and they they're both on the same page, but her par his parents are his parents hate her, for example. If they hate us, if she's fine with them, if she if they like her, I don't have a problem with that. But if they hate her, then I want to know. Does a guy does a guy know how to put boundaries?

SPEAKER_00 19:46

Nobody would say they hate their daughter-in-law. I mean, that's kind of a strong word. Why would they like they accept her if they hate her?

SPEAKER_02 19:54

No, so they're not accepting her. The guy is going against his parents' will.

SPEAKER_00 19:58

Oh, okay, come on, that's a deal breaker then. Like, why would you even let the marriage go forward?

SPEAKER_02 20:04

Because he doesn't need his parents' permission to marry her.

SPEAKER_00 20:08

Okay, then we would be nipping that in the butt from the beginning, right?

SPEAKER_02 20:11

So that's why I said I want to see if he knows how to put boundaries, if he knows how to protect my daughter. Yeah, this is a recipe for a disastrous marriage already. Yeah. Maybe he doesn't have a great relationship with them at all. He knows what awful people they are. So I'm not gonna judge him based on his parents. But is he if he's talking about moving in with them and uh they hate her, then of course not.

SPEAKER_00 20:36

Yeah, that would be a very tricky situation. For sure. Um let's say he has a past.

unknown 20:42

Oh god.

SPEAKER_02 20:43

Why did you have to bring this up? That's stuff. Okay, why don't you tell me?

SPEAKER_00 20:48

So when we talk about a past, there are a whole range of things that could come up from committing Zinna to possibly having an STD to I don't know, doing jail time, um, being addicted to addicted to drugs. What else?

SPEAKER_02 21:07

I think those are the major ones.

SPEAKER_00 21:09

Those are the major ones. And the bigger question is, is Layla okay? Like hopefully we've um raised a mature, smart, wise girl who would take these things into consideration and understand that these choices that the guy's made, even though they were at a previous chapter in his life, could have possible potential issues in the future in their relationship.

SPEAKER_02 21:37

Okay. For example, Malcolm X. He spent time in jail, didn't he? Yeah. Yeah. And look who he turned out to be. One of the greatest leaders. Yeah. Yeah. What I'm trying to say is I'd really hate to judge somebody based on who they used to be.

SPEAKER_00 21:54

Right, right, right.

SPEAKER_02 21:55

Like just because we were fortunate enough by like Allah Stawfield. To fall into certain sins, it doesn't mean and also some people had it difficult growing up, they maybe come from difficult backgrounds, maybe they had, I don't know, abusive parents. So I'd really like to think that I'm not gonna be the t the judgmental type. And if you keep blocking the the the path for people with pa with the past, then we are just leading them into that path again. That's true. So I wanna see who this person is right now.

SPEAKER_00 22:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:35

Let's say he used to drink.

SPEAKER_00 22:37

Oh boy.

SPEAKER_02 22:38

How long has he been sober for? Uh does he still have a support system?

In-Laws, Past Mistakes, Mental Health

SPEAKER_02 22:45

Like I wanna I wanna know where he is right now. He j he served time, for example. For what? Is it because I don't know, um he raped a child? Or is it exactly so it depends? Or was it like I don't know, uh what is the word for people who steal at shops? Um burglary? No, like when they are shopping, they shoplifting shoplifting. Like there's a huge difference between them, right? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:13

Yeah. So you would judge it in you judge each case on their own accord.

SPEAKER_02 23:18

Yeah, where he is right now, why did he share this information? Uh-huh. Did he mention it while gloating? Or did he mention it in a remorseful way? Like, this is who I used to be. I'm a completely different person now. Um, I've taken accountability, I've paid my dues, all of that.

SPEAKER_00 23:36

That's a good point because people don't really get looked at as who they are in the present sometimes, because I went through that. And many of the questions that I would get asked when I was getting married was okay, when did you come into the country? Uh, who were your parents? Why were you in the country illegally for so long, etc. etc. Like everything related to my past, or sometimes questions related to the future, right? Nothing about the present. So are you pursuing medicine? Are you where are you gonna be in the next 10-15 years, right? Like everything about the future. Yeah. And nothing about the present. So that's a good point. That we have to take people as they are and not who we want them to be or not who they were. I think the the part that doesn't get enough attention is that we have to be more trusting of our children. Like, yes, we are their guardians, we have more maturity and wisdom than them, but if we've done our job, then we have to trust that they're making the right choice also. Yeah. And hopefully we raise our ch our children in a way that we have developed that trust and that we can trust them to make the right decisions for themselves.

SPEAKER_02 24:46

Unless there's like a glaring red flag. Right. Yeah. Okay, let me ask you this. Would you let your daughter marry, our daughter, marry a guy who has mental health issues? Not had, but still has.

SPEAKER_00 25:02

Uh so what kind of health issues mental health issues are we talking about? Is it schizophrenic, for example? No. No.

SPEAKER_02 25:10

But he's taking the drugs.

SPEAKER_00 25:13

He's if it's under control, then I don't know. I don't think so. No. Because these some of these things I've seen or heard about through family members. Yeah. And it's really impacted the marriage severely. So I would highly discourage Layla from moving forward with in a relationship like that, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.

SPEAKER_02 25:40

Wouldn't be?

SPEAKER_00 25:41

Would not be.

SPEAKER_02 25:41

Okay. So you mean you wouldn't like put your foot down and No. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 25:45

So I might be contradicting what I just said, but the more I think about it, I don't think it would be a deal breaker, but it would fall under the category of a highly discouraged. But let's take this um these scenarios a step further.

SPEAKER_02 25:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 25:58

Layla is 27, 28, you know, she's getting to that age where we know as matchmakers, marriage becomes more and more difficult when you're a girl. Yeah. Right? We've seen it. Yeah. And not only is she not pursuing marriage or even considering the idea of marriage, but she tells you, I'm content with my life. I don't need a partner. Alhamdulillah. I volunteer in the community. I'm starting a charitable organization and I'm content with my life, and I don't feel like I need a partner. I don't want to get married.

SPEAKER_02 26:30

I would first try to understand where this is coming from. Okay. Is it because uh I don't know, something terrible happened to her friend who got married at 22 and now she's a single mom with two children? Or is it because um she genuinely just keeps meeting awful guys that are just putting her off the idea of getting married?

SPEAKER_00 26:56

Or is it because that's a good point. Like before you finish, girls don't naturally say those things, they usually say those things because of a bad experience.

SPEAKER_02 27:05

Or it could be because just she is just following if social media is still relevant uh at that time. She's maybe following like um ultra-feminist um personalities, and she's consuming all this nonsense about how you don't need a man in your life, you are self-sufficient, and all of that. And maybe she's watching uh movies or listening to podcasts that just keep trashing men. So you need to understand where this is coming from. And I would also try to make her see things that she's not seeing. For example, she might be happy right now where she is, but she might be ignoring the future.

SPEAKER_01 27:46

Right.

SPEAKER_02 27:47

Maybe she's listening to things that are relevant to white people, non-Muslims, and they don't apply to us.

SPEAKER_00 27:54

But what if she's this is just a product of her own understanding of herself that she is just happy the way things are and she doesn't want that to change.

SPEAKER_02 28:06

But you're happy now. Are you gonna be happy and satisfied and fulfilled when you're 57, unmarried, no children, your parents are long gone, probably you're not gonna have any siblings.

SPEAKER_00 28:20

We're not gonna have a second one? If it's in Allah's Qadr, but it's a joke. Yeah. Um but on the flip side, well, I don't want to risk getting into a relationship where I could probably end up divorced, miserable, maybe abused. And why take that chance and risk when like alhamdulillah, things are good for me right now?

SPEAKER_02 28:41

Why go to school when you could end up uh I don't know, investing five years, paying 100K, and then not find a job in that field? Why get out of bed and leave the apartment if you could get hit by a car?

SPEAKER_00 28:54

Oh come on, now we're going into extreme situations.

SPEAKER_02 28:57

No, because like why are you already assuming that you're gonna marry uh the wrong guy? Your father and I are gonna help you and guide you to find the right person. We are going to be here for you. And

When She Resists Marriage And Parent Role

SPEAKER_02 29:10

we're not gonna allow anyone to abuse you or leave you in um such a situation. I think this is our cat announcing he's hungry. Even though he just had dinner.

SPEAKER_00 29:21

Why did he turn his back to us?

SPEAKER_02 29:23

Because he's guiding us to the treat cabinet. Okay, Kiwi, you have to wait.

SPEAKER_00 29:28

Kiwi Habipi. Um Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I realize that people who come to these conclusions are usually doing so as a result of things like social media, these feminist movements, or like things in their environment. They don't naturally come to these to these conclusions.

SPEAKER_02 29:49

Maybe their parents had a terrible marriage and all they knew growing up was just fighting and shouting and breaking glass and yeah. Yeah. Hey, if you have a story to tell, we'd love to have you on. Here you'll find a safe space of listeners who can understand what you're going through. Just shoot us an email with a summary of your story at info at halalmatch.ca.

SPEAKER_00 30:11

How much of a role do you think as parents we should play in finding Layla and Match? Like, as soon as she turns 18, should we just start putting on our binoculars and start hunting? Or should we kind of trust our daughter to lead us in and let us know when she's married? Because of course married? Um let us know when she's ready. Okay. Because we already know the risk with that comes 28, 29, 30, maybe beyond 30, and she's still not married, and all this time we've just been letting letting her lead the the carriage, right? Yeah. So what do we do? Where's the balance?

SPEAKER_02 30:54

I'm not gonna lead her into marriage. I'm not gonna let her lead. I'm gonna walk next to her.

SPEAKER_00 31:00

Oh, look at that. Oh, very eloquently put.

SPEAKER_02 31:03

Thank you. Um, I'm gonna start talking to her about uh guys and marriage and all of that from way before 18.

SPEAKER_00 31:12

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 31:12

Boundaries, haya, all of that, right? So it's not like one day you wake up and you decide to start talking about it. Okay, right? The importance of marriage in our dean and whatever, all of that.

SPEAKER_01 31:28

Right.

SPEAKER_02 31:29

And I'm gonna be searching with her, putting the idea in her head and searching with her. And maybe I'm gonna see a good guy. I'll approach him.

SPEAKER_01 31:37

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 31:38

Um, maybe I'm gonna hear about an event that I see is like planned well and I trust the organization, all of that. I'm gonna be pushing her to go, or maybe not pushing her, introducing her, encouraging her, all of this. I'm not gonna be passive about it.

unknown 31:54

No.

SPEAKER_02 31:54

And I'm not gonna push her to get married if I feel she's not ready, she's not mature enough.

SPEAKER_00 31:59

Right. I feel that when she turns 18, I'm gonna be searching myself. And if I find a guy, then I'm gonna talk to her about it and say, hey, here's a guy, I know you. I've talked to him and I feel like your values align. I feel like you might find him attractive. Let me know what you think. And if it's a no, it's a no. Like you said, I'm not gonna be passive about it. I'm not gonna necessarily put all my faith and trust in her to lead the process. I'm gonna be actively searching for her. Yeah. And that's our job as parents. Because the problem that we've seen a lot with parents is that number one, they put too much pressure on education and that being like the first criteria or the first step in order to be ready for marriage, which is a big problem. But parents, if they are taking an active role in finding their daughter match, they're doing it with uh on these unnecessary filters in mind culture, occupation, and things like that. Yeah, so yes, we should be actively involved as parents from the age of 18, um, but also keeping in mind the the expectations and needs. So, first step is understand what is our daughter attracted to. Yeah, what does she find admirable, respectable, um, who has uh similar core values to what our daughter is to be, right? Yeah, things like that.

SPEAKER_02 33:15

You know, speaking about education, like a part of me almost hopes she doesn't go for a professional degree. A part of me almost hopes she becomes a painter or a photographer, a pianist. We talked about being a pianist, yeah. Yeah, because I don't I feel like in our um Muslim community, there's just so much uh pressure on getting like professional degrees and all of that. That leaves little room to creativity. Like it didn't. Either you become a businessman or a doctor, like either professional degree or a businessman.

SPEAKER_00 33:51

Yeah, but then that also comes at a price, too, because I mean there's a reason people say if you want to be poor, become an artist.

SPEAKER_02 33:58

I guess so that's why we're privileged to actually have a daughter that she doesn't have to worry about providing for a family, she can pursue whatever she wants without that pressure of having to support a family.

SPEAKER_00 34:09

Exactly, because the husband's uh obligation to provide.

SPEAKER_02 34:11

Yeah. But whatever money she makes, I would encourage her to contribute, of course.

SPEAKER_00 34:16

Yeah, yeah. Plus, this world definitely needs more artists. Yes. We need more artists, we have enough scientists, doctors. Not to say that those professions aren't important and that we don't need those professions, but empathy, compassion, you don't derive that from from these professions, in my opinion. Yeah, people may disagree. Definitely people may disagree, but I don't

Creativity, Values, And Final Red Flags

SPEAKER_00 34:40

think you derive that from I mean we're more advanced in today's day and age than we've ever been in in history. Right. Right? And yet we still got genocide happening. Yeah, we still got all we got like pedophilia happening more on a more global scale than we ever thought. Yeah it's nuts. Yeah. And if we really want people to develop and instill a sense of empathy, I feel like it starts with art. It really does.

SPEAKER_02 35:08

Yeah. Okay, let me ask you what are three qualities or even five, five qualities that would be deal breakers for you besides marriage? Like if a guy has this quality, you would never let your daughter marry him. Besides uh somebody who doesn't pray, uh somebody who's like abusive.

SPEAKER_00 35:29

Um besides that? God, okay. Um I think a guy that has a complete disregard for his health, like someone who's morbidly obese, um, but has no regard or interest for eating right, so just eats junk food 24-7. So just under the umbrella of unhealthy habits, no gym routine. No, I'm not talking that he has to be a fitness nut, but like some physical routine, some regard for eating right. Um, so that would be a deal breaker for me. Somebody who has no regard for physical health.

SPEAKER_02 36:09

Yeah, of course, they're just digging an early grip for themselves. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 36:12

So that's a deal breaker for me. Uh God, you put five. Oh, three.

SPEAKER_02 36:17

Whatever you feel like.

SPEAKER_00 36:18

Okay. Number two would be somebody who is uneducated. Now, when I say uneducated, that doesn't necessarily mean they don't have a high school diploma. Because I know pen plenty of people who have a high school diploma, but they're just completely clueless about the world. So for me, especially now, especially now, somebody who is clueless about now, God forbid, this doesn't isn't happening in 18, 20 years, but clueless about what's happening in Palestine. Like if Layla was 18 right now, or let's say 20, and a guy was to was interested in her and he had no clue what the hell's going on, that there's a genocide going on. That you shouldn't be drinking Pepsi and Coke and you shouldn't be eating McDonald's, that's a deal breaker for me. I mean, like, what? You've been living under a rock for the past three years? No, I was in prison for the past three years. Like, even people in prison, I'm sure they would still know what's going on. So that's a deal breaker for me. Somebody who is socially clueless, politically clueless, you don't have to be a political scientist, but at least know what the hell's going on in the world. Yeah. Right? And what you can do as a human being, as a Muslim, to make the world a better place. Yeah. Alright. So, what is that? Number two?

SPEAKER_02 37:31

No, three.

SPEAKER_00 37:32

Three. Okay. I think three is nice. Okay. Yeah. What about you?

SPEAKER_02 37:37

Someone who's uh misogynistic.

SPEAKER_00 37:39

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 37:40

Yeah. Fair enough. Uh someone who has a bigger ego than their head.

SPEAKER_01 37:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 37:46

I really hate people full of themselves. Like, oh, it just like boils my blood. Seriously. Like, I feel like punching them, I swear.

SPEAKER_00 37:54

Like in Donald Trump?

SPEAKER_02 37:56

Um, no, even less. No, don't Donald Trump is an extreme narcissist. Narcissist, yeah. Yeah. Um, a Zionist, of course.

SPEAKER_00 38:03

Oh, come on. Imagine. That's an easy one. That's a no-brainer.

SPEAKER_02 38:07

Um, someone who's stingy.

SPEAKER_00 38:10

Oh, yeah, you really hate that.

SPEAKER_02 38:12

Not just me, all women. And there are ways to test it, by the way.

SPEAKER_00 38:16

What if she's okay with it? What if Layla is okay with it?

SPEAKER_02 38:18

Because she might be just infatuated and just emotions leading her judgment, but living with a stingy person, like you don't wanna you really don't want to marry a stingy person. I think all or most women would agree.

SPEAKER_01 38:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 38:32

Yeah, and it's one of the most difficult traits to change. Okay. Yeah. Someone who doesn't respect their parents. Like, I would notice how they treat their parents, how they talk to their parents. Because if they're not respecting the the person who gave birth to them, are they gonna respect my daughter? No.

SPEAKER_00 38:53

Yeah, that's a good point. That's a good point.

SPEAKER_02 38:56

And someone who's cruel to animals.

SPEAKER_00 38:59

Yeah. You have a really big self-spot for animals.

SPEAKER_02 39:06

And for elderly. Like most people would say they have a weak spot for children. I do too. But I feel elderly and animals are the most vulnerable in our community, in our society. So someone who's just being cruel to a helpless creature, I can't trust them with my daughter and her children in the future.

SPEAKER_00 39:26

Yeah, I think I might have to add that to my deal breakers too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:30

Like they don't have to be a cat lover, but I'm not necessarily a cat lover.

SPEAKER_00 39:34

I'm not cat I'm not a cat later.

SPEAKER_02 39:36

He weet turned you. He converted you.

SPEAKER_00 39:38

That's up for debate. Yeah. A conversation for another day.

SPEAKER_02 39:41

Why then do you wake up at 2 a.m. and 3 a.m. to change him, not change him, to feed him and uh wipe his bum after he uses the liter box.

SPEAKER_00 39:49

To shut him up so he stops nagging.

SPEAKER_02 39:52

Well, you can just like close the door.

SPEAKER_00 39:54

And then he will start scratching the door.

SPEAKER_02 39:56

Okay, no, I think secretly, deep down, you love him.

SPEAKER_00 39:59

If it makes you happy to believe that, then okay.

Listener Questions And Goodbye

SPEAKER_00 40:02

Okay. He was happy. Um okay, so hopefully this gives you guys some um insight as to what parents are thinking. Um, I don't know if we are different than other parents that you are meeting when you are trying to get married, to whether you're a single guy or single girl. Um, but it's it's nice to kind of have a shift in perspective, um, especially as parents. Yeah. And if you guys are parents with children, you're listening to this episode, um, hopefully this resonated with you.

SPEAKER_02 40:35

Let us know what's your list of deal breakers.

SPEAKER_00 40:38

Do you have deal breakers? Are they realistic or unrealistic deal breakers? Yeah. Are ours uh unrealistic? Let us know.

SPEAKER_02 40:46

Yeah. And we'll see you in two weeks.

SPEAKER_00 40:48

All right, until next time.

SPEAKER_02 40:50

Salam alaikum.